/pone/ - My Little Pony

>The stallion get spooked at your razor.

>"NO! Let me go! I can pay, I have the money!" he's pretty much crying now.

>Let's just get this over with.

>"Calm down, so I can do my job so it's over easier. Look, it's not easy for me either, so I'll give you some freedom about it. So, how do you want it, any colors?"

>It's the best you can offer, wishing the "customer" would get creative.

>"… write it as small as possible."

>For a moment you're really close to this pegasus.

>His breath smells like blood and fast food.

>You like his thick fur. It's easy to shave.

>It would be nice to chat, but you don't want to embarass him.

>On the other hand, you haven't had any fun today yet.

>"All right boy, we're about to get started" You hum to him as there's a decent bald spot on his forehead.

>"If you get hurt, just say," you whisper to his ear, "banana."

>While you assemble your tools from a leather case, you can almost hear him sweat.

>You wipe his forehead clean with alcohol.

>You activate your machine. "I'm going in now."

>"Ouch," he says reminding that your needle may be a bit rusty.

>"Stay still. Good."

>The letters form quickly with single lines.

>You could have fucked with the dogs since they probably can't read, writing something totally random there. It would still humiliate the victim, but that must be the point anyway.

>Well, you decide to twist the original request to "pie," using the leftover ink to draw a small pie next to it.

>What a cheeky little cunt you are.

>"Done," you show the work with a mirror, "how does it look?"

>The dogs look it for a while, and like you guessed, simply nod. The pegasus lets out a weak chuckle.

>"Just wear a bandana until the fur grows back," you whisper to him some advice.

>"Let's go. Here bits," the smaller dog throws you a bag that chimes when it hits the concrete.

>Hopefully there will be better gigs later, like more those diamond rings. This isn't your special talent, damn it, even if you can sort of do it.

>Now you want to clean the tools as quickly as possible and go get some breakfast. Food stash and stomach needs to be filled.

>Ink-stained hooves are the least concern, when you haven't had a breakfast.

>With your backpack on and mane combed you head to the stores.

>On your way you see Flower Pot and Snow, your neighbors, sitting outside their equivalent home.

>Addiction is a terrible thing.

>"Business was going well, but then I met this mare!" Flower said jokingly when you talked about it earlier.

>You wave your hoof at them.

>"Hi!"

>"Yep," and "hi Ruby," they reply.

>"How's it going?"

>"Fine. Got any spare bits?"

>"Oh, your mane is beautiful today!" Snow adds.

>Heh, it's nothing special. Reminds how you shouldn't sit on your tail to keep it good looking.

>You want to be generous, but you still can't trust them any money, from your little.

>"I'm going to the shops, want to join?" you offer. It would be nice to have some company, too.

>"Hey, that's great. Come on, Pot."

>"Wait. Do you still have that empty cart?"

>You begin your brief walk through the fences, by a construction site and across the railroad.

>When you get to the streets, Snow jumps into the cart. "Yay, shopping!" she cries like a filly.

>"So, Ruby, do you have work tonight?" Flower asks.

>"Yeah," you sigh, "in Appleoosa. It's not that bad."

>"Not that bad, eh? Would you rather work there?" he points a jewellery shop across the street.

>You stop for a while. "I must have asked every of those shops before. They are more interested in factory-made items than the very expensive…"

>Your tail drops. "And without at least five years of experience, or so."

>"Start your own business like I did," Flower suggests, still going forward.

>You catch them up. "With what money?"

>"I dunno, rob a casino or something."

>"I'm not a criminal!"

>Snow giggles, "yet, my dear. I think there's no easy way out, it's the rule of the tunnel. The casinos above want to keep you as their happy low-wage worker forever~"

>You roll eyes.

>"I'll figure out something."

>You go to the post office first. There's a card in your postal box.

>It reads: "Happy birthday Ruby! Hope you are doing well. Write us again soon! –Mom, Dad"

>You forgot your own birthday again?

>There's a picture taken years ago.

>Picture of a filly.

>With a messy bright red mane on mornings like that.

>But without a cutie mark.

>She's wrapping gold wire to her hooves.

>There's also beads and a gem on the table.

>Where did she get those? It's a mystery.

>You used to hate pictures of yourself, but now it's kind of cute. You'd love being there again.

>…

>"Ruby, are you okay? What is it?"

>"S-sorry. It's a birthday card from home. Just in time."

>"Aww… c'mere," you three hug each other.

>"It's okay. Happy b-day Ruby."

>You wander at downtown rest of the day.

>"Let's go there!" one of you cries and points to something interesting. For a moment you really blend in the picture.

>There's some food in the cart. It's almost exclusively dry and in a container, something that stays good a while in a murky tunnel.

>Tourist ponies everywhere. Some weird looks.

>"Hey! What's your name?" a filly from the crowd asks you.

>"I'm Ruby, what's yours? Nice to-"

>"HEY! No talking to strangers!" a stallion, presumably his father, shouts and grabs him.

>"Your tail is funny," she manages to say before disappearing back into the mass.

>There's a free bench ahead.

>"Mine!" Snow jumps ahead, taking it all to herself.

>Flower sits on the bench anyway, squeezing Snow.

>"Eep!"

>"Can I get a massage here? This bench is fancy."

>You giggle a bit.

>"L.P. is really fun from this point of view."

>"Yeah."

>"It comes with a price, too. Seeing how superficial it all is makes me sick."

>"You'll eventually get bored to all this, will you?"

>"Yeah, let's get moving."

>You eventually get back home, and share the foods.

>Now that's solved, you prepare for work.

>You empty the backpack from food except tonight's meal, and put in your cosmetics and ID.

>Appleoosa Hotel & Casino. Back door.

>There's a little hassle, kitchen ponies moving the dishes and laundry ponies their stuff.

>First thing to do is to find the manager in this chaos.

>There she is.

>"Hello."

>"Hi, you must be Ruby," she flares her nostrils, "go get a shower first, I'll explain your position then."

>You would gallop there if there wasn't ponies on the way. It's the favourite part of the job.

>Getting into the shower, washing the dirt away. It almost feels like losing weight when it flows down the drain.

>You rub you coat and mane throughly and apply some shampoo.

>It feels so nice you don't give a damn about what others think when you're rolling on the shower floor.

>The hotel's towels are fluffy as always. You dry yourself and brush your coat, polish your hooves.

>Hardest part is grooming your mane so it's smooth and just a bit curly.

>A little make-up to hide the bruises and bug bites you get underground.

>"How does it look?" you ask your colleague, who's also at the mirror.

>"Oh, it's absolutely beautiful," she replies, "here, let me fix something."

>She positions your mane a bit better.

>"So, anything new?"

>You gossip a bit.

>"… and then the bum put the last bit in slots and won the jackpot in front of the security!" she laughs.

>You laugh too. "That's funny, but hey, see you at the tables."

>"Yeah, see ya."

>The manager points you to a familiar blackjack table.

>There's a poker tournament coming, so the casino is full of ponies and other creatures.

>Your table is right next to the bar, so you can expect flehming players that can't get their eyes from you. At least they love your card tricks the most.

>There was a late night when only a one pony was playing and the rest were either about to pass out or watching your levitating cards show. Your boss must be happy as long as the customers are.

>On your way through the casino a dark green hoof stops you.

>"Hi there, remember me… Ruby?"

>Well fuck.

>That green colt looks very familiar.

>Game Changer. Your ex from years, years ago.

>You were "dating" but you eventually grew bored of him and his games.

>He hasn't changed a bit. Have you either? It would be too dumb to ask him.

>"Is it really you Game? No, I work here. That's nice, good luck with the tour," you smalltalk a bit.

>He follows you to the table, taking chips out of his purse. You sigh, but keep your cool. It's a bit embarrassing to have him here, but since he's a customer, you get the bits.

>There's another familiar pony, Fianchetto, the bartender. He greets behind his table.

>He's a handsome crystal pony with a chess piece cutie mark. Game orders a shot from him, after a few rounds another. A rare sight outside their empire, even though he looks like ordinary stallion.

>Ponies come and go. Filthy rich stallions with a bunch of giggling mares. A ton of fine jewellery on them.

>You recognize a ring on a mare's ear. It's the type you made lots of in training. You're tempted to ask where she got it from, but it's not probably made by you, even if she remembers its source.

>One card, two cards, back to deck. Shuffling. Game Changer gets bored, drinks a bit more. Yet he still keeps playing. Why? He looks at you.

>"Didya know Rub, *hic* I also play mindgamesh."

>"Really?"

>"Yah. Areya a single? Coz yer eyes are thelling me ya are."

>"Game, please…"

>Better not tell him you're homeless so he doesn't try to talk you to his hotel room. Suddenly he feels very different, but deep down he's just the same Changer. That's what you want to believe at least.

>Will he talk about his feelings next? No. His head hits the table. Other ponies look at him. You press the security button. Guards arrive shortly and take him away.

>It's terrible to see him like that. You excuse, get a rag from kitchen and clean his place.

>The accident made you upset, making it harder to focus. You play with the deck nervously. Is your mane right? You feel thirsty and drink glasses of water until break.

And that's where we left. Sorry for terrible Jewtube quality audio, I can't have everyting as FLAC on my hard drive, and the motivation to download them.

>"Hi Fianchetto."

>"Ruby! I'm sorry about that customer. How's the tunnel?"

>"Heh. It's been an eventful day. Got a card from home and spent some time with my neighbors. Made a tattoo."

>"That sounds great. I've been planning all day with my papers."

>"Tell me about it when it's ready."

>"Listen, I think I can trust you this, but… let me first put on the dishwasher on to make some noise."

>"Suspicious!"

>"Okay, here it is. I'm going to rob this casino."

>"What? No, you can't be serious."

>"Dead serious. Can you help me? Your magic could be useful at picking locks, I see."

>"Why are you doing this? It's not like you're totally broke and homeless."

>"You know why I left the Empire in the first place? Adventure, big wins and risks. This is my next big move. I'll go back home only after seeing it all, or getting jailed. So, how does it sound like?"

>"I don't know, it sounds dangerous."

>"Indeed it is, but as long as we don't kill anyone, the sentences are manageable."

>"As much as it disgusts to do a job like that, it does sounds like a super fast way outta here. Wouldn't be short of materials for my real job, like it says here."

>"Now you're talking. Here's my address on this paper. If you're still interested, come tomorrow evening. No talking about it!"

>"Okay…"

>You finish your soup mix and go back to the table.

>Lil' Flank has always been nice, but that chat weirded you out. He doesn't seem like evil or anything. You're still not sure about his intentions. And you certainly don't feel any less tensed.

>Whatever. You play with cards again instead of brain. It's numbing, like you've done this from the creation of the world. Still, the eternity feels short as an eyeblink. You hold the 52 universes at your hooves, shuffling them, creating all that is possible to exist. Seeing it all from above makes you peaceful.

>Back to current point at temporal dimension, it's getting late. Eyebags are growing under your eyes. You listen to the music coming from the stage. Did somebody call you? Oh right, the game.

>Slowly the number of ponies wandering around shrinks until there's only a few left. It's getting really calm.

>Guards checking the areas signals you can wrap up your table and go home.

>Manager's words raise your alertness a bit, like an espresso.

>"Kroisos wants to talk with you."

>Now you fucked up. Is it about Game, or did you think about that Fianchetto's plan aloud? Hopefully it's a raise, of course.

The drawing is really boring right now, I couldn't make it more dramatic without being cheesy. Otherwise it would be never ready.

Coming up

SOON(tm)

>>137714

>mfw a reader

>You go downstairs to a pathway you haven't been before.

>There's a light coming from one of the doors. It's actually a huge round vault door.

>A pony is waiting at the crack, looking at you. He must be Kroisos. A shiver runs down your spine.

>"Hello, my name-"

>"Ruby, please come in. You must be a bit tired too, so let's not spend much time with this."

>He pushes the door open so you can easily hop in. Inside there's a cold fluorescent light and rock floor. Everything is in order, very clean looking place. This makes you wonder.

>"Why am I here? About what happened with that Game Changer earlier, it wasn't my fault I guess."

>"Oh, it's nothing like that. You did your job well," he says, calming you down a lot, "instead I'm offering you a bit extra."

>He opens one of the safes behing him with a fine-looking key. Inside there's a paper bag. You've given so many bags from gangster dogs you're so sick of them. You're sure they're not casino chips either. His plan is pretty clear at this point, and visible under him. It is a different kind of raise than you expected.

>"My fiance has a headache, so I have to rely on my Casino's services. You really seem suitable for this, watching your work earlier."

>Suddenly you do remember a pony at your table with a weird moustache. The bits seems really generous for you, but it costs your dignity. You're not even in heat.

>"Right. So how we should do it? This vault is rather uncomfortable place."

>"Well. You're right. It's just the fact that my bits are here, and here you'll get most privacy. Will do something about it later. Now, let's take a look at here."

>Backpack falls to the floor. You should've cleaned your areas better if you anticipated something like this could happen.

>He's sniffing your rump to get more aroused and doesn't seem to mind. It does feel a bit off-putting. You want another bag of bits right now, but it's not the right time to get greedy.

>If you'll ever proceed with Fiancetto's plan, it would be useful to take a good look around. The door looks big enough you can't pick or force it with your hooves. Would the gangsters help? The lockers do not looks that strong, it's the game over if somebody gets this far anyway.

>A warm breath hits your behind, stopping your train of thought.

>"Please, use your magic," the stallion behind you requests. His voice signals he's already enjoying this very much.

>"All right," you reply and look back, "fast or slow?"

>"Very slow-OH!"

Bump

Had a break on the story, hopefully there's some time to cr8 during the weekend.

>>136163

Bump keep up the work this is really good.

are you tavifag?

>>145681

Two-part mane?

I rather have her like a pony's mane.

Something like this

>>145682

Yes, but how the back mane connects to the front?

Guess I have to cut her mane a bit.

A post, whose purpose is to bring thread back to first page to keep it alive a little longer.

>Well, luckily they didn't.

>You gallop out of the silent building and to the streets. Which way the home was again? Gotta get there, fast.

>You don't know the contraception spell, so in case of pregnancy, you have some really dirty stuff ahead. Like this wasn't enough, but very unlikely. Tail tries to hide the shame drops while you move.

>The broken mane flows in the air. There's not much ponies in the streets, but the hooves wouldn't let you stop to talk any of them now. They got the fire that was around your butt and horn earlier. It's a biological and terrible thing of a mare. It makes you so exhausted, that's for sure. You dash from the lit path through the railroad to a hole on a fence, by the construction site and to the sewer path.

>The hooves find their way home without thinking about it too much. Opening the "home door" more panicky than the situation requires, you jump in to the stone cold concrete. Everything is in place, which is good. You look at the graffiti with your lit horn. No, it's not a meme.

>It suddenly upsets very much – you live here, damn it, and have these kids nothing else to do than to ask these silly questions from homeless ponies? Hooves hit the wall, trying to scrape the text off. You see red, and it's not your mane or long gone sister.

>Why didn't Celestia, or whatever Cosmic Matriarch there is, give you an easier life? "You just haven't solved all the question marks yet," you can hear in Luna's voice, as heard so many times during the nights.

>You scream some horse noises. Flower Pot must respond with "Ruby, go to sleep!" from far away, but you don't care. The walls are your dad now, quietly listening to your venting. This can't go on, you have to move. Move above, start a normal pony's life. Fianchetto, can you help me? Only solution is all-in, isn't it?

>Even the scorpions must be confused by the scene. The red-maned body falls to the floor, yelling turning into sobbing, and finally snoring. Last bit of fire erupts from the horn, turning the tunnel pitch black again.

>Windows. Renting signs. A fancy door.

>The door opens, revealing an empty room. There's large shelves, a counter covered in white blanket, and a bit of dust everywhere.

>This is it. Your workshop. You walk through the shop to the back door, where you find a bathroom and some empty rooms. Bedroom and work room now, of course.

>Finally there's some real space to do the things you love, not just filthy shopping carts. In no other place than your home town. This is the real thing. You can almost feel your cutie mark glowing.

>You walk back to the shop. It's now fully set up, shelves full of shining works a pony can imagine: earrings, necklaces, chains…

>A young looking blue earth pony walks in to the store. She looks around, fascinated.

>"Hey, uhh. My name's Silver Locket, and… I'm a student. Do you have a training position?"

>She's so cute. Reminds of how you got started.

>"A student? Nice to meet you, Silver. There might be a place for you, just bring the necessary papers before someone else does, teehee! Tell me, is Big Hammer still teaching?"

That was some melodramatic crap, but there's an action plot starting.

>>147132

Music for the scene (fan-made for once)

this is a post

>You are Ruby.

>With messy mane that's glued together with dried semen and dirt from the floor. It's not that red anymore. Ring cutie mark that must symbol your ponut more than your "talent." It's definitely not one of your best mornings.

>You just had a dream about what you want to do. How do you achieve it? That's still a mystery, but there's some extra bits at your purse, and more waiting at the casino basement.

>The faint light and cold wind woke you up. Why did you shutdown on the floor again? Limbs are numb. This sucks.

>Looking around, it's all clear in the darkness. The card you got yesterday, on the wall, shines the little light coming from the manhole. With help of horn, which takes some effort to light, your right eye detects a snake wrapped up right next to you, enjoying the little warmth still radiating. It's like this morning couldn't have started better. How is it even possible to move away slowly with frozen limbs?

>You try to get up slowly first, but as the snake moves a bit your unconscious proceeds to the dumb opposite. Which is: The snake's still sleepy, so maybe it is not able to react if you jump away quickly. Executing it, you manage to jam your horn to the bed cart thanks to still clumsy hooves. Without thinking too much about it, hooves push forward, getting warm blood in no time. The cart hits the others, forcing you to pull the horn and climb over it to the manhole, which appears to be improperly closed. Maybe the snake got in from there.

>One look behind, to confirm you weren't followed, and then a exhale of relief. Fresh air. Hooves are still ice cubes, but it's getting slowly warmer. You stretch, like every morning. It's becoming another sunny and just fine day, no rain clouds in sight. Being a constant prey does not help you enjoy it.

>Running from place to place really takes all the energy and motivation. You're still alive, but could get into danger at any moment, which is stressing, and on the long run, depressing. At moments like this, the candle must be kept burning somehow, the inner voice that keeps telling how beautiful little filly you are, still keeping up the fight. It's not time to resign yet, you'd rather battle until the end. Reminds of Fianchetto's words: see everything or burn away.

>Life is a beautiful gift. What matters now is trying to enjoy it, with all the bumps and long slides up and down, at least it's not all boring. There's time to be alone at the grave.

>What is there to get to the next step? Doing a horrible crime to get back to hooves. What are the risks? Is it too tempting to stay at the bad side, and repeat? What if you get caught later, shattering whatever plans you were having?

>Stomach brings you back to the present, reminding of the next routine: breakfast. Only thing to lose is last bits of sanity if the brain doesn't get carbohydrates right now.

>Looking back at the dark hole, there's no movement. You bring some rocks nearby just in case, and crawl back in. The snake's still at its place, but a bit more alert, licking its eyes with tongue, partially uncurled. You can't read what it's thinking, or if it's hostile or poisonous, but you don't want it here. Besides, the skin looks lovely. Sorry, snake.

>First stone hits the snake, not head, but still. Another rock, which you can't afford to miss, you move on his head and crunch it. You get closer to do a better job, stepping on it. Yep, totally dead. Hooves examine the body. The stones did make some scratches, but it's mostly usable. Carts, which are in unsorted group like moved by floods, get to use again. You take some bread and a knife, eating and skinning the corpse. It's not easy to do both, but the hunger takes care of that everything will sink right now. Having some new materials, for free, makes you a bit giddy. What beautiful creations you could make from this previously harmful pest?

>The bread is dull and dry. Just great. At least it's not rotten. It makes you thirsty.

>What now? There's whole day before getting to Flank. At least you have to wash your homelessness away. When there's no work, it's the gym where to do it. For a few bits so much, and all the water you can drink. Oh right! better take some bottles with. You could even lift a while. Maybe that'll get you to a better mood, exercise always does.

>There's a newspaper in the trash bag. You wrap the snake guts in it and put them in backpack, where your hard-earned bits were. Better not leave that mess rot here. How do you secure the bits? There's some chain and lock in the tool cart. It looks obvious, but maybe they'll stay there for a day. It's good there's neighbors nearby watching each other a bit, but you don't want them to see you right now.

OK, it was a risk to get too edgy here. Edited the chapter a bit, because it's not going to be a disaster yet. Pay it no mind, as always.

Bottom of the catalog again? That was fast.

Not going forward yet, but there has been some little work on it, among all the other stuff going on. Re-link for the curious: http://gitgud.io/ponet/Rubidium-Auride

>What would a bodybuilder Ruby look like? These thoughts are the entertainment of the travel. She would have such a heavy hooves, hammering a lump of steel, and making huge pieces of decoration for huge emos, even without the help of magic.

>She would eat well, and lots of protein, like from that snake you just threw away. Also she would be very successful with business. A real colt-magnet.

>Would you love that character though? She wouldn't be pretty in that girly way. Muscles are fine for stallions, but it collects maybe too many looks on a mare, whose cutie mark is not even related. It's best to just stay in some kind of shape. The dexterity to do fine work is more important to the job than brute force.

>The gym has not changed at all. It feels like even the same people are in at any given moment. There's the group of lifters, some athletics running on a treadmill and a few older ponies with light weights. Shower. Coat becomes slippery again from the second time hydrated semen, but it's soon washed away by house's soap. It has to be done twice, now to wash the dirt, and after workout the sweat. With a bottle filled of fresh water, you walk to the room full of mirrors and metal.

>"Get mad already! It's your biggest so far!" The crowd of bulls is cheering a rookie on top of a row of plates. You could swear at least one of those is nicknamed 'Boulder,' and another 'Spartan.' The yelling peaks for a moment, then a painful crunch. A brief silence, and the noise starts again, but with a different tone.

>"Are you okay? You take that side, I'll help here. In 3, 2…"

>There's a set of hoof weights you usually do. They are good for magic too. A spell grabs one and starts carefully swinging it up and down. It makes the head hurt, but is a good practice. At least it hurts less to do some actual careful work. Then the actual hooves. Walking did warm up a bit, so it's easier to pick up an average weight.

>It goes like routine, which is not a bad thing: it's more effective. You clearly know what to do, or at least have a good idea. So much better than going randomly. The energy stored in the muscles are being burned once again, but contrary to fleeing like last night, it liberates. Each pull makes you want to fight more. And it's lovely feeling to unpussy oneself, see the dirt gathered in the mind wash away. A lot more important than a bit of cum on mane. Exercise is great.

I'm asking you to post a qt picture, and, you know, say something. Anything appreciated. This masturbation is starting to become dull.

>>156888

>She would have such a heavy hooves, hammering a lump of steel, and making huge pieces of decoration for huge emos, even without the help of magic

Holy diver

You've been down too long in the midnight sea

Oh, what's becoming of me?

Bumping with some older gems.

What do you think of the story and OC so far? There's planned to be three chapters, and one of those is written.

I'd happily listen to your opinions. Because it's sometimes hard to determine what works and what doesn't, with just one pair of eyes. How long to go until it's book quality?

Stand-alone snippets for comparison: https://gitgud.io/s/ponet

>>158211

Thank you.

About those moments where things just happen from situation to another without too much control, "above." When thinking about the plot, I thought that they would be some kind of horse instincts. That is how Ruby's character is in my mind. She's kind of the element of fun(posting) in /pone/, and that shows as an impulsive nature at times. Sometimes there's no brain activity at all, which may or may not be helpful. But maybe there should be written a bit more of it.

That example about shower helped see: I have been a bit lazy there. Also tried to avoid some useless you's there – there's already 451 of them, but maybe it's pointless. However, the edit is perfect, and it should be put in the latest version at git. If you, or anyone else reading, are familiar with the tool, feel free to rob my rare picture folders with patches, even small ones. Or just post about them ITT.

My biggest fear is actually that the story goes too much into melodrama and feels. You know, all that homeless alone stuff, which the whole story depends on. And the amount of background characters to the keys. And that the plot barely moves at times. And bland voices, language. The list goes on. What would you say about those?

As you may have guessed, I have taken no writing courses (didn't find any), and last painting class was in high school. Plus non-native English. Hell, I barely even read. But as long as there is hope I'm going to try. It just needs a bit of shaking every now and then. And someone wiser to point out the improvement areas. I am asking you to be one – even once-a-month advice is worth many egg-kisses.

Those doubles are definitely checked.

>>158266 (sweet)

It's fine, I'm lazy reader too.

>>158257

>But maybe there should be written a bit more of it.

It is profoundly difficult to tell a story from the perspective of a character who does not register her surroundings the way that a regular person would. *Forest Gump* is an example of a popular book that attempts to do that, but it took some short cuts. As Robert Downey Jr.'s character famously said in "Tropic Thunder," he never went full retard. Ruby is not retarded, which means that all you need to do is present her thoughtlessness as an eccentricity. When she gets like that, it is important to verbally clue the readers into the fact that she is behaving that way. Otherwise, they could easily not pick up on it.

>Also tried to avoid some useless you's there – there's already 451 of them, but maybe it's pointless.

Really, you are doing well with limiting the number of times that "you" appears. It is not a distraction now.

>My biggest fear is actually that the story goes too much into melodrama and feels.

Ruby definitely feels like a tragic character right now. She is positively Dickensian. Good things need to start coming her way quickly, because it will be difficult to laugh with her otherwise.

>And the amount of background characters to the keys.

You do want to keep the number of secondary characters few. Character descriptions use up a lot of words that could be better spent elsewhere.

>And that the plot barely moves at times.

Second-person stories do tend to move slowly. As long as a sequence includes something to keep the audience interested (comedy, tragedy, action, or some other titilating quality) that is not a problem. If you find that a sequence is important to the story but not particularly interesting to read, you can write it as a past-tense memory of the protagonist. Example:

"The home and garden store clerk had made a funny face when you put nylon rope, duct tape, and industrial lubricant on the counter, but he could not know what they were really for. It does not matter. You now have everything you need to carry out you plan."

That lets you skip a sequence about shopping while establishing the existence of items that will be important later.

>And bland voices, language.

A quick and easy way to make a secondary character stand out is to give him a gimmick. He could whistle his "s" sounds or scratch an ear when he gets excited or slip into an accent when he gets surprised. Even a prop like a pair of glasses that frequently fall down his nose will work.

>Plus non-native English. Hell, I barely even read.

Well, that ratchets the difficulty of Creative Writing up to "Battletoads." Second-person stories require some creative word-smithing as it is. You are still writing better English than half of FimFiction. If you do want to make this into a novel, you should definitely work with an editor. A native speaker with a broad vocabilary will help you get your idea on paper, so to speak.

>>158287

It is not fresh, but there's no known saves, so feel free to steal it.

>>158310

This is all very helpful and needs to be processed for a while. Talking to someone about these questions puts the inspiration on a whole new level.

>nylon rope, duct tape, lubricant

I can see what you did there

I wonder if our grand-OP is still lurking. You know whose birthday is next week? Not counting the thread creation day, but the introduction in pic related, which may be more important to you. Hard Reset, the third of the "birthdays." That is in January. Was that fic any inspiration, by the way?

Finally the first scene is made into acceptable quality. At least you won't cringe when you first see it, I hope. The details and lines could be improved, but it's fine for now. I've been stuck with this for pretty long already.

If quads I'll close this issue

>>158888

It is objectively ready.

>>162491

Pic related