/younglove/ - Pedophilia Discussion

I'm worried that I'm a hebephile/ephebophile and that I'll be put in prison or something. So, I guess it all started when I first learned how to masturbate. I did it so much (and I still do), like I'd say I've consistently masturbated at least 3 times a day for the past 7 years. I've actually masturbated in school before (in the bathroom and in class) and I'm super embarrassed about that but I don't think anyone knows. My mom died when I was 13 and right after I turned 14, that's when I really started to masturbate a lot and my tastes got real weird. I actually remember before my mom died, I actually masturbated to 2G1C and I was absolutely disgusted with myself afterwards. When I was 14, I remember explicitly trying to find porn of people my age on my PS3's web browser but I never found anything (obviously). My tastes started getting absolutely sickening, I got into scat, vomit, watersports,pretty much every fetish under the sun except for shit like BDSM and bestiality. I remember when I was around 15 or 16, I actually downloaded Tor and looked at chronological peppers from pages I found on the Hidden Wiki. The recurring theme with all of this is that I was absolutely disgusted with myself afterwards and I was worried sick that people would find out. I've thought about killing myself I hate myself so much. Then, the past few years. I haven't downloaded Tor, but you know those spam/honeypot posts that have a picture and link to a forum with pics on it? Yeah, I've gone to those a shit load of times and again, I feel absolutely disgusted with myself afterwards and I'm extremely worried that I'll just get arrested any day now or that I'm on some list (like, I'd love to work for the government but I'm scared if they do a background check or a polygraph test they'll find out). I went to a friends house recently, and his sister had her 12-year-old (soon to be 13-year-old) friend and I thought she was so god damned attractive. My friend agreed with me but he is about a year and a half younger than me. I mean, her face was just so perfect and her body was amazing and she was funny and fun to be around. I don't know if this has anything to do with my fucked up past. I was emotionally and physically abused by my parents and siblings growing up although they would call it discipline. I think there is also a possibility that my male cousin or I were sexually assaulted because when we were really young, like around 5 or 6, we both gave each other oral sex and made out. I also used to wet the bed (still do if I drink too much before bed and don't go to the bathroom) and I used to have accidents too which I read are signs of a kid being abused even if they don't realize it. I'm only 18 now but I'm just so scared that this is something I'm going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. I fucking hate myself, I want to die, and I have no clue what to fucking do. I should also mention that I'm not exclusive, I probably find more woman older than 18 attractive than the other way around.