/8lounge/ - The "8" Lounge

love, not the romantic instinctual love, but just love is about mutually accepting a person for all their faults, and not being afraid to open your heart to them. no lies and nothing hidden. the absence of fear.

i think that kind of thing is a pretty important part of being alive and happy.

i also think too many people confuse lust and biological instinct for love. while both of those things play a big role in getting together in the first place, they're just temporary.

Love is definitely a distraction. It influences your decision-making big time. Most of the times, unconsciously, I take decisions that I would have never taken if I would have been single. The effect can also be seen academically because most of the time while studying,

my mind is already pre-occupied with her thoughts and tensions sometimes.

Remember Mr(s). Anon, the insults people use betray what hurts them most. If those people are hell-bent on painting women as insufferable wastes of space and time, it's probably because, at worst, that reflects what they see of themselves and at best, because their inability to have a meaningful relationship has caused them to launch into mudslinging to make themselves feel better.

With that said, I consider "love" to be a 3-part system: "Instinctual love" or "brotherly love", "lust", and "classical love", or "old couple love".

Instinctual love is the system in which we're wired to care for each of our tribesmen for the benefit of the species. That's the system that causes people to pick each other up and dust each other off.

It's grand.

Lust is the form of love that manifests physically. It's porn, basically. It's not so grand.

Classical love is biologically unexplainable. It often actively works against the better ideals of survival. It caused me to make stupid decisions more than once soohoy for the benefit of my partner. Decisions and risks that rarely had payback or benefit or even were matched in kind.

It was the greatest thing in the world.

She was my absolute best friend. She knew my faults and cared anyway. She knew my fears and comforted them. She was my pillar when I needed support and my roof when I needed shelter. I know this sounds cliche as fuck, but I mean it sincerely; in her, the boy I was found the man I wanted to be.

Find love, Mr(s). Anon. It will be confusing and mad and stressful and the best thing you can ever do for yourself.

>>4396

>>4396

Sweet typo to ruin the moment: "soohoy" whatever the fuck that means, fucking autocorrect = soohoy

>>4396

>>4397

sol ely

Wordfilter. got it.

Soohoy

Soohoy

>>4396

Should love be sought after?

What if you are in love with someone that is "broken"? Someone who has had a bad childhood &/r abusive marriage/relationships and cannot deal with or appreciate fully someone who is actually kind to said person. That it's frustrating.

Who says love is ideal in the traditional sense. And to accept someone faults can have it's limits, imho. What if your payment is a sex addict? Junkie? Mentally unstable? Is it then the first type of love you described?

>>4399

Payment>partner

>>4399

I personally believe that if someone can't appreciate you, or has an issue you can't work with, you shouldn't put yourself in a toxic relationship. If you cannot work with someone's extreme situation, you shouldn't put it on yourself to do as much because it will only shorten your life span and make the eventual breakup that much messier.

Me being mentally ill, I've never blamed people that can't work with me after they know. I know full well how hard it is to deal with it myself, and I can't imagine the strain it'd put on someone who'd have to work with it who doesn't understand it.

But if you're willing to go the extra mile because you think you can work with someone, and they try their hardest too; I believe that could be worth your time, and potentially be more rewarding.

I once had a love

Senior year high school

planned it out

made it through college

got back up with her

Married her, but

I then realized we wasn't meant for each other

We stayed with each other, but our love never rekindled

until 4 years ago

Our child was born

Now we stay together, and we just love each other

I don't know what it is but plan things out and love will cum

>>4402

hmm…I don't know Mr(s). Anon. Sounds like a hiatus, if not, congrats.

>>4401

I totally agree especially the

>and they try their hardest too

you are absolutely right and it was something that I had to accept in the long run.

Lost a best friend but life continues…

>Should love be sought after?

Yes.

>What if you are in love with someone that is "broken"?

Then you need to take a sober look at the situation.

The love of my life was repeatedly sexually assaulted as a child. To say she had "daddy issues" is a contender for understatement of the century. She was raped and beaten. Her earliest memories were of her biological father doing coke in the living room.

It didn't get better. Eventually her mom remarried and their favorite game was scaring the piss out of her in dark hallways.

She spent most of her years between grade school and highschool in and out of "mental health centers" and drugged up to the point of driveling coma.

Eventually she made the choice to go off of mood-stabilizing drugs, but by the end of high school, it sometimes took everything we had to keep her from relapsing back into drugs or alcohol abuse. Sometimes, it wasn't enough.

Sometimes, I had to talk her down off ledges and bandage her wounds.

I know "broken", Mr(s). Anon. I know "broken" intimately.

I don't say this as some sort of twisted braggadocio, I just say it lend credentials my beliefs.

Because I loved her. I believed in her. She was that best friend I was talking about, and she was so much more.

Was it stressful? Sure. Was it distracting? You bet. I'd give everything in my life to have it back.

Tangent aside, that's up to you. I loved her more than anything in the world, she was the 3rd kind of love to me.

I have another friend who has a strikingly similar backstory to her, but, I guess because she's never put the same amount of effort towards me as I have towards her, it's the 1st kind.

>potentially be more rewarding.

Agreed, wholly.

>>4406

Interesting, thanks for the share.

>>4390

It doesn't exist. Everything will always be terrible and nothing should ever have been allowed to exist.

Ashes and Echoes

>>4390

The fantasy of love in movies and TV isn't real. Love is a biochemical reaction which lasts a finite amount of time. Eventually that biochemical reaction ends and what's left is the real world instead of the psychological drug/delusion of love, where you now need one or more of the following to maintain the relationship:

- Compatibility outside of love. This is the biggest one and includes many reasons you keep a life long friend, including trust and respect, emotional support, similar interests, and compatible personalities.

- Mutually beneficial skill sets. You work well together in life's tasks.

- Social pressure. You need to stay married, you need to stick through it.

- Material gain. He's the bread winner. Her family is rich. She's good in bed. He has a promising career.

The first and second items are the most needed to maintain a healthy, happy, and successful marriage, but either can maintain a marriage on their own.

The last one, material gain, is very common and often needs to be maintained for a successful marriage. The divorce rate goes up as economic situations drop. The biochemical reaction of love makes me reluctant to accept this, but the person you love is statistically more likely to divorce you if you lose your job, make less over time, or fall into financial hardships. Generally the more of the first two items you have, the more financial hardship you can endure before you or your partner divorces.

In short: money matters, having practical worth to your partner matters, and not feeling like your partner is an asshole/cunt matters. Be nice, work hard, and do your part and you'll be doing your half of building a great marriage, but you really can't change it if your partner turns out to be a dud. Better to figure it out while biochemical love is still ongoing and before you get married.

Oh, love is very real, I can tell you that.

I will also tell you this, love is equally real, as it is rare.

>>5126

If you were to stay broke, have no future prospects, or not be a suitable provider when she wants to have a family, things could quickly change.

>That said, genuinely good girls are about 1 in a million, so I see where you gents are coming from.

Soul mates, 1 in a million, it's all in your head. Your girlfriend is one in a million like every guy's girlfriend is one in a million. When people marry, that's their one in a million and they found the right one, but the divorce rate is still over 50%.

I think you're still under the influence of biochemical love. Eventually that wears off. Hopefully you have something stronger and more lasting in your relationship along with a good foundation for a life by the time it does.

>>5139

>if you were to stay broke and a loser, your gf wouldn't love you anymore

That's because only God can love unconditionally, Mr(s). Anon.

>>5145

Biochemical love induces a shared delusion that makes you think it's eternal and unconditional. Freud was a total gentleman but he had some catchy things to say about it.

>>4390

"There are some people who would never have fallen in love, if they had not heard there was such a thing"

The philosopher La Rochefoucauld said that, or something to that effect at some point. He also said a lot of other interesting things about love.

As some others have pointed out, the type of love we think we need and the type of love we can actually experience are very different things.

We're made to expect this grand, life-changing, powerful, spiritually resonant feeling of fulfilled purpose when we find love. So many poets and artists have built up love as this supernatural force when it's really nothing like that.

Never forget that the romantics of eras past were often spoiled socialites and nobility who had the money and the free time to flit about from one impassioned romanced to another, never quite staying long enough with any of them to truly become burned out on the electro-chemical high that our brains literally create when we fall in love.

Which leads me to my next point: The problem of love is a social problem that extends and weaves itself into various aspects of our lives. It's practically an issue of class, more than anything else.

If you're working a poppycockty 40+ hour a week job and constantly trying to provide for a lover, you'll never have time for yourself. Since society doesn't value mental and spiritual health, you're likely to lose your sense of romantic love and see it as an obligation. Since society is so poorly set up, men and women cling to one another for financial support and abandoning a lover or significant other who is emotionally unfulfilling or just not exciting to you is seen as malicious and evil, even though it's incredibly fucked up to demand a person stay miserable for the sake of another person who would never do the same for them.

And all of this is based around the fact that society needs us to be productive and to get money to spend on property and goods and taxes, because otherwise, everything collapses.

Perhaps if we had more free time and money to spend on enriching ourselves, or getting a bit of therapy (and also if we lived in a society that treated mental health as important as it treats physical healthy), then maybe love wouldn't be such a difficult thing to grapple with. Somewhere between a social obligation and a biological urge, but never quite as fulfilling as we were lead to believe.

>>5150

Psychologist here. No one takes Freud seriously anymore. A lot of the psychological work of the late 20th C and early 21st has debunked most of what he said.

>>5152

I'm aware, he was a F - A - G - G- - O - T ( le word filters xDDDD ). But he wasn't wrong about his personal views of being in love.

>>5139

>If you were to stay broke, have no future prospects, or not be a suitable provider when she wants to have a family, things could quickly change.

An acquaintance of mine got married not to long ago and lost his job shortly after.

Before the year was out, they were fighting regularly, she was pretty much moved out to live with her parents again, and she was already starting to flirt and spend lots of time with a another younger, financially stable man.

Money and stability have far more to do with love than people care to admit.

>>5166

You're pretty okay yourself, Gent.

>>4390

No hoes no woes.

>>4394

This is very accurate, to me at least.

About the 'nothing hidden' part.. Though I know the person I'm with would accept me no matter what, there's some things I just won't tell anyone. I may end up telling them these things(like deep family issues or past traumas) in the future. Some people tell too much too quickly, and it can damage a relationship(or "scare" someone away"). And some things are just better left unsaid.

Here's my take on love. It exists, and we need it as humans. It's excellent for survival, and of course provides pleasure/emotional support. You're in college now, and youth can be trying. As far as the ratio, there are far too many who will use you(male or female) or just not be a good friend to you. Same applies to love. You'll have to wade through massive amounts of bullpoppycock to find a good person. Know that you've got to check yourself, as well. Always pay attention/study yourself & your own behavior. We're all human, so we can have bad habits. Don't be hesitant to say you're sorry or admit fault; it helps you grow as a person. Also, if you allow someone to treat you badly - they will.

>>4396

Very nice, Mr(s). Anon! Very nice.