/adv/ - Advice

Ever since I was a little I wanted to be an inventor. I wanted to create things.
I don't know how to compile these emotions into a comprehensive essay, so I'll do my best to tell it like it is.
I am a struggling developer. I know some code, I google a lot of my work, but I've never been good with getting in depth with my trade.
Right now I'm a web plumber. In between contracts too, and in a terrible amount of debt. I know SOME PHP, but never bothered with the OO too much. I can do javascript and css and html. But damn, I'm shit compared to the real guys out there.
I don't even want to stop there. I have to learn C++. I have to learn robotics.
I want to be able to manifest any idea I have with LIGHTNING speed.
I've been a fucking "Ideas" guy for too long.
I put my life on hold for trying to be a tough guy and running a drug house. It was all "part of the plan". I guess I've always been angry. Angry and fearful. Technology is the only thing I feel can save me. I still have a hard time trusting people.
Shit, where was I?
Goddammit. so many people believed in me, and now we're totally cut off. but at the same time we're not. it's the internet, I can email them, but it's just best that i focus and stop trying to talk to them. i feel like my interaction itself is the hope for a promise. a promise i could never come through on.
I worry about what people think. I worry about people looking me up. My arrests.
I fear I'll never be able to be great without the world hating me. I was disgustingly narcissistic and even more disgustingly socially-clueless.
Then I lost my mind in 2013-2014. so fucking gone on marijuana. so fucking gone. I could afford more than I could smoke.
and I feel like that's damaged me. but I can repair. I HAVE to repair.
I think about the past, and maybe I shouldn't. It makes me angry how much pressure my mother put on me to be smart. I got whipped for bringing home a C in 3rd grade. I'm sure there are asian families that are worse about it. Black family.
I went through a phase where I worried about if being black has anything to do with why I can't keep up. I try to forget about it. Maybe I'm still there. There are none of us in the I.T. industry.
and I feel like a fucking quota every time I go in between projects and I see those eyes I fill with promise. Fucking shit.
I've trashed so many people I've worked for too. All in hopes of getting rich quick and being able to buy time so I can learn the harder shit.
This is everything to me. Learning how to program, becoming an engineer is everything to me. There is nothing else important in my life. and I'm fine with that.
I feel like friends would be a waste of time until I got good at this. but I know i probably need some for my health.
I over think a lot of things. I'm constantly in my head.
People notice…

I'm trying to learn OpenGL right now. I got SFML to work. I drew a circle from the example.
That was a hassle. I had to be painfully tedious in how i worded my conversation with the IRC group.
I'm working on GLFW now. I still feel like I'm building in the dark, but I have to fucking keep this up. I can't fucking give up. I just fucking can't. I'll hate myself if I'm 30 and still shit at this. I'll hate myself.
I just want to relax and learn. without the pressure. the pressure i mainly put on myself now.
Thanks for listening.