/adv/ - Advice

>Part 1:

I'm (almost) at the deepest part of the abyss that I've ever been in. The only reason I say "almost" is because if I really was at the very bottom I would either be in a hospital psych ward or dead right now. I say that because I've tried to an hero once already via OD master race and been to the hospital and the in-hospital nuthouse twice (same ones both times, actually) for about a combined month within the last six months. I'm only 18 (19 in like two weeks), live in a first-world country with no health problems save for several mental ones, family loves me and I still want to an hero.

Been seeing a one-on-one therapist since I was about 7 due to parents' divorce, but last 5-6 years of therapy have been focused mainly on my depression. Been with this guy for a little over two whole years now and I like him but last several visits have barely done shit for me. Also only person I've ever told about (save for /adv/ now) my former stepdad molesting me when I was around 10. Never told anyone else because I felt guilty about it for some reason and was too much of a pussy.

It's weird because when I used to get on the verge of suicide I would always just sit up in my room and do nothing. Now I cry, think about an hero'ing, sit alone thinking about doing hardcore drugs that I can't afford and have no connections to in order to self-medicate and hopefully accidentally OD on, plan and almost go to stepdad's house to beat the shit out of him or kill him with whatever's lying around the apartment my dad and I share because of what he did to me almost ten years ago, then pussy out and go to sleep.

I have no energy or motivation to do anything and my parents are both pissed at the fact that I have no job, am not in further education since I graduated high school this past July and am just generally doing nothing. Both like to use the "suck-it-up-because-it'll-get-better" philosophy with me every conversation we have and revert to saying "Well I don't want to go to work every day but if I stopped then we'd all be out on the street in 90 days if I did that so you just have to do the same thing" pretty much every time as well.

Mom verbally and somewhat physically abused my brother and I when we were younger (and still a tiny bit now but not as much since I live with my dad and I'm not legally obligated to see her if I don't want to anymore) but she has depression and has been on meds for years now. Hardly every sympathizes with me in that field though and we have a shitty relationship so that's not going anywhere.

Dad is a workaholic who comes off to me as preaching an "if-you-don't-have-a-job-or-do-anything-with-your-life-that-contributes-to-society-then-you're-basically-worthless" kind of mentality. Also rides my ass constantly about finding a job or going to school, neither of which I have the energy/motivation to do in the first place. He recently paid $265 for an 8-day, once-a-week drawing course for me since I'm an artfag who sucks at drawing and want to get better at it, but it's nothing at all like it was advertised or I thought it would be and I've been absolutely miserable for three hours every week I've gone so far. Still have four more classes to go to and pretty much have to finish it up.