063d91 No.308
Hello there /adv/
I'm not entirely sure what my problem is, or if that word should be plural, but I do know I'm running around in circles and I want to break the cycle.
Let's start with some info to let you know where I'm at and where I've been.
I've been a full on stoner (smoker of weed) for a little under 10 years, and I quit a month ago. It isn't the first attempt to give it up, but it is the first time I have had little to no trouble keeping it out of my mind. Also the problem was never stopping it, apart from the first two days quitting is easy. It's continued soberness that is the hard part. I haven't had the desire to smoke another joint, but I'm sure it'll come in the future.
Now that is not really the reason I'm posting here, the real reason is that for the past month I've been on a crashcourse trough all the supressed feelings and thoughts from the past 10 years. I've been euphoric, sad, somewhere in between and a dozen other words you use to describe your mental state. I've had the usual symptoms of stopping drug-use, I've been quick to anger and somewhat uptight.
Anyway, all of that is what I was expecting, I knew prolonged and intensive drug use would lead to some kind of explosion when i did finally quit. (and by intensive I mean getting up and the first thing i did was roll a joint)
What is really cracking me up is that while I feel better and I'm taking much better care of myself than I used to. I still feel incredibly lonely and detached. Most people I talk to don't seem to be able to relate to what I say or feel, in some way that has always been the case, but now it is just more blatantly obvious.
I have friends and I have people to talk to, but the conversations never go deep enough to really get anywhere. Most of what I hear is just well meaning advice: You should go out. You should find a girl. You should do what you like doing. And for the most part I follow their advice, I go out regularly nowadays and I do a lot of things I love to do.
But no matter how much I try and no matter what I do and try, I still feel empty inside. I always feel empty, I feel like there is nobody who really understands what I'm saying. And whenever I try to really speak my mind I just get some blank stares and clichés.
Anyway, I guess this is all still kind of vague. What I'm trying to say is that while I feel infinitely better than I used to, I still feel like I'm somehow missing the point. My mind keeps reliving situations I feel I should have handled better, I'm constantly critisizing everything I do and every day I come to a point where I really have no idea how to get better.
I'm gradually getting sceptical and I hate it, when I was stoned all the time I used to be a pretty easygoing guy, had lots of laughs and was all around pretty friendly. I could also be by myself for hours and hours and feel pretty good about it. But nowadays when I'm alone in my house, I just feel empty and I have a constant need and desire for some kind of contact. Nowadays I'm pretty direct and unforgiving towards anyone who does something I don't like. I'm afraid I'm turning into an asshole. And I don't want to be an asshole.
Anyway, long story and it probably still leaves anyone who reads it pretty clueless, but there it is. Feel free to ask questions or respond in any way you see fit, also feel free to completely disregard this if that suits you. I'm not really expecting anything.