Hello adv, I could use some help.
I've recently recognized and begun addressing sexual guilt issues I've had due to how I was raised + some bad experiences in highschool/freshman year (like I had it in my head that I could be too aggressive and that being…myself I guess was wrong. )
The problem in question is a girl that lead to this realization.
the long and short of it is that she was the first girl in three years (I'm a college senior) that I felt attracted to. She also happened to have a crush on me and we kinda awkwarded out for about 3 weeks. That entire time I felt like going strong on her would be wrong or something.
As in that feeling was strong enough for me to do the most autistic thing I've done in a while: the most awkward foreplay ever in the history of man (can I do this? Can I do that?) And lying about not having a condom when she asked so it wouldn't go further (which is how i learned she was a virgin too, which was further confirmed at other times). Plus having her take top out of some weird ass fear that I would be too much if I went top.
So of course neither of us are feeling chemistry. Half the time was awkwardly handholding in silence andth the like. And I've also blueballed (I never knew it was a real thing. The throbbing is real) myself TWICE. Yet despite that, when she broke up with me (and to be honest I was thinking of breaking with her) she made a legitimate effort to try to remain friends with me. We've studied together, chilled with mutual friends, etc…
So after that clusterfuck, I realized that the was something fucked up in my thinking and worked on the issue.went out more than usual, put myself in situations I normally wouldn't have, and asked out/went out with girls I had no interest in to just get more comfortable with the situation.
So I want to go out with the girl in question again. Maybe it will work out maybe it wont. That isn't the problem in itself. I just have no clue how to approach this. She's a good friend regardless and has my back when I need it. But how do you even introduce the idea of retrying with someone you basically epically failed with. And how can I go about it without possibly fucking up the friendship? I don't want her to think I became friends to just wait for another opportunity or some shit that I've seen others do unintentionally. Hell I wouldn't want to try again if I hadn't enjoyed the person she is over the last half year.
So what do adv? we're both uni students. Any suggestions, or should I just keep the friendship and find someone else?
(She isn't my only female friend, but she is one I'm still quite a bit attracted to. She's a real introvert. Into twin peaks and tends to be quiet. it also isn't from a place of weakness. She enjoys writing? Dunno what information is relevant here… things just seem easier with new people/strangers)
Pic unrelated because my phone… guess a little relayed considering I'm Brown. Also feel free to mock me for my autism, because I'm still laughing at myself for some of that.