Living with an abusive parent

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Living with an abusive parent Anonymous 06/12/15 (Fri) 15:39:24 4429bb No.413

Hi, /adv/. This is my first time being here. I really needed to talk about this today and this was the only place that I could think of. I'm not sure whether my situation is even one that's possible to give advice for, but anyway.

I'm 19 years old. My mother has been abusive towards myself, my siblings and my father since I can remember. She has some sort of frontal lobe damage or something which makes her get really angry over stupid things, or at least that's how my dad has explained it. She will fly off the handle unpredictably about anything, things like whether we did the dishwasher etc. (which is what set her off today, about an hour ago). She used to hit us a lot when we were younger, but that mostly tapered off as we got older, I think because I started mentioning it to teachers. Now she mostly screams at us and smashes things, although she did kick my sister's dog in the face today, which is what kind of drove me over the edge.

Usually all three of us just take it (since dad has to be out working all day), but today I said some things back to her. Lately I have been getting 'braver' and standing up for myself more. I understand that this only ever directs her anger squarely at me and makes the whole situation worse, but sometimes I feel like I couldn't live with it if I were to say absolutely nothing. This is one of the things I hate about my dad, of which there aren't many. I don't know why he stays with her. I can't understand it and I don't want to, because if he doesn't leave with us/make her leave for his own sake, he could at least do it for ours.

Anyway, she's pretty much angry at only me now. She (mercifully) went in to the sitting room to eat so I managed to run down, get my food and get back here, to my room. I don't have a lock, though, so I never really feel at ease. I'm waiting for this netbook to charge and then I'll probably go in to the bathroom and stay there for a while, so I can just calm down and stop crying. I look like a gross mess right now, haha…

Anyway. atm I'm freaking out because what I said to her isn't going to just blow over. I know as soon as my dad comes home he'll come up to me and ask me to apologise to her. It's been his reaction every other time I've tried to stand up for any of us. And I just don't think I can do it, not this time. I don't think I can go down there and face her and apologise for something I'm not sorry for, and make it seem like she's in the right yet again.

Never in 19 years can I recall her saying that she's sorry for anything. Nothing is EVER her fault or her mistake, it's always her who's cursed with us ungrateful fucks for a family. I called her a selfish cow and I asked her to take a poll and see how many of us wanted her to stay with us in this house. And so she's been ranting on about how she is, I kid you not, "the least selfish person in the world".

I've thought about killing myself for a few years now. The main thought that stops me every time is that I don't want to give her the satisfaction of 'winning'. I'll admit that I've also thought of killing her, and the only thing that really stops me there is the fact that I don't want to go to prison.

My dad's going to come home and he's going to ask me to apologise to her and I don't know what to do. We live in a countryside village; there's nowhere for me to run to. I don't have money to live on my own. Social services would never believe there was enough of a problem to make her leave, especially since I think my dad, as well as my brother and sister, who are more scared of her than I am, would deny anything.

I'm stuck and I don't know what to do. She throws a tantrum every few days at least and it just seems like there's nothing I or anyone else can do.

In case I get any replies, she did threaten to cut off our internet, so if I don't post that's the reason why. She's addicted to the internet herself, though, so I don't think she'll actually follow through on it. Sorry for how rambling and disjointed this post must be. I just really can't put things down neatly right now. It feels like I have too much to say but I'm not sure what the point of saying it is.

Anonymous 06/12/15 (Fri) 16:09:28 0a43cf No.414

i've been there, man. is there any way to get her to the doctor? if she's got brain damage, surely the best thing would be for her to get some control through sedatives, whatever, than permanently harming her family. explain this to your father. do you have a job? or plans to go to uni? anything that can get you out of this hellhole? if you want to talk, anon, i'm here and can empathize. we can exchange skype and brainstorm, if you're up for it. how old are your relatives? i don't know what the equivalent of child protectice services is in ireland, but if your siblings are still children, maybe it would be best to get them involved?

Anonymous 06/12/15 (Fri) 16:10:06 0a43cf No.415

>>414

by relatives, i meant siblings. whoops.

Anonymous 06/12/15 (Fri) 16:12:48 0a43cf No.416

>>414

ugh, i'm on mobile and missed the whole bit about your siblings denying. is there any way you can record her outbursts? even if they deny, with hard evidence, social services has to understand that victims of abuse often lie out of fear.

Anonymous 06/12/15 (Fri) 17:05:55 4429bb No.417

>>414

Hi, thanks for the reply. My father generally uses her brain damage to excuse what she does. I'm going to try to have a serious conversation with him about it tonight. I know there's no way she would willingly have any kind of treatment, though, since she sees herself as always being completely in the right and having every reason to act the way she does. She doesn't seem to register that normal families don't act this way.

I don't have a job, though I have been planning to look for a summer job this year to get me out of the house. It's just awkward; the places I can look are really limited, because we live out of the way. But I'm planning to ask my father for help today and see if we can find me something.

I just finished my first year of uni. It was the common first year of a science degree, with next year being the one where you can specialise. In Ireland, though, no one actually stays at uni full-time unless they live very far away. It actually left me at home even more than I had been while back in school. Would have stayed there and just camped out in the library all day or something, but there's no bus that comes within walking distance of our house, so in the end the amount of 'freedom' that I got from uni was very disappointing. The worse thing, though, is that the year has made me pretty sure science isn't exactly what I want to be doing. I was strongly considering deferring my next year and repeating my exams to try and get into Dentistry. But, obviously, if I were to do that it would leave me at home and at her mercy all the time.

To be honest, my comment about social services was an off-hand thing. I've never really seen them as a serious option. I don't know how it is in the US, but over here it's more like 'lodge a complaint, wait a few months, and when the social worker sees you don't have bruises, you're out of luck' kind of thing. I was assigned a social worker when I was in hospital with leukaemia four years ago, and , well, let's just say it didn't fill me with confidence for the system. No easy way to record her, and while my brother is still a minor, I'm as certain as I can be that Social aren't a viable option.

Whenever I'm away from her, I feel so much more at ease and happy with myself. I've always held off asking about renting my own place somewhere, though, because we're always short on money. But I think my best option might be to seriously look for a job and see about moving from there. Of course, that leaves my brother and sister high and dry, but I'm not sure what I can do besides.

Of course, then I get all caught up with the fact that I have no experience at anything. But my dad will probably know better than me whether I'll be able to find something.

Anonymous 06/16/15 (Tue) 22:47:08 60f57a No.425

YouTube embed. Click thumbnail to play.

>>417

If she's a credible, serious threat to you and/or your property then I would strongly advise you to either run like the wind or inform the authorities and explain to them that your family make excuses for this violent sociopath because they are afraid of her.

If that's not the case, then perhaps you can do a few short-term things before you find your own place:

1. For god's sake get a lock for your door.

2. Charity shops nearly always have a stock of "rags" (clothes that are damaged or unfashionable) in the back. Explain your predicament to the staff there and ask if you may have some of them. Duct tape them to your door frame. Screaming at the door will become less effective. Note: this does not prevent the door from being kicked in, but as I said if she's a threat to your property then there's no living with that. That's when you go to the authorities and mention in addition that you live in the household alongside a minor.

3. Develop a taste for yeemania-style music. It covers up door-banging drama fairly well.

Expect these solutions to tide you over only a couple days. Don't expect it to work forever;- you'll simply become a recluse confined to your room. I speak from experience when I say that doing that for a prolonged period of time is "not ideal".