Yeah, i'd figure i'd post something here. It's probably going to be more pointless rambling and less asking for advice than i'd like, so i apologize in advance.
In short, my life is not bad but it kind of sucks right now. I suck at studying, or rather, i suck at actually starting to do it. I can't get myself to open a book for the life of me, i get really anxious whenever i try to see where i have to begin or start doing anything so i just procrastinate and do things on the internet, or whatever.
My mood is a constant grey fog, but i can't say i have been genuinely happy in a few years now. I kind of don't care anymore about what i'm studying right now, i guess i haven't come to terms with it yet, but i can't really get out of it now, after three years in uni not doing basically anything. And i don't want to fail. The prospect of having to become the average "work in whatever you get and hope you don't get sick, leave your dreams behind and just do whatever" for the next 50 years doesn't really appeal to me. Plus, i really have low self esteem and have a constant idea of people looking down on me or treating me as a child. I kind of see myself as a child constantly too and i hate that. I'm a balding piece of shit that never got to do anything and i suck at life. Fucking great.
I've been seeing a psychologist for almost 5-6 months now and it has helped for a lot of things but i still can't honestly study for the life of me. I don't know if this is what is usually deemed as ADD or ADHD or whatever, but it kind of feels like it and it's tearing my life apart. Really tempted to get into doing adderall and prescription stimulants bought over the internet to try and fight that. It's kind of my last hope that i can use drugs or something to turn around that shitty personality or whatever of mine into a study machine, finish this fucking college maybe having some fun and talking to people instead of being an isolated unproductive piece of shit, but i am still unsure.
I really have no willpower left. These past 3 years have been a daze with very few little memories retained, the only thing remaining being noticeable aging, lost exams and money, and the regret of not doing anything i wanted in either work or leisure for too much time.
What the fuck am i even supposed to do. Kind of envy americans, they get prescribed whatever and just turn into zombies but at least they somewhat function, and i partially gave up self-care a long time ago. Kind of explains why i don't give a shit about health anymore, haha.
I guess i'd ask if any of you have any similar experiences, and all that. It'd be welcome.
Also i know drugs aren't supposed to be the answer or anything but at this point it's either i start forcefully functioning and get out of my personal rock bottom while still trying to sort out my relatively shallow depression or i just try to sort it out with a malfunctioning brain, fail, and pretty much either become a bum because i really wouldn't give a shit anymore and/or kill myself after that.
Fuck, why the fuck did my parents ever think having a kid was ever a good idea. Didn't even ask me if i wanted to, fucking sonsabitches