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File: 1458715749666.webm (772.64 KB, 418x360, 209:180, 1446649463081.webm)

b9a53c No.915

I've known all my life something is wrong with my head, wrong with me. What specifically, I don't know and have little idea on how to go about knowing. (Hence this post.)

The only two hard facts I have are:

1) I was shaken as an infant

2) Like a handful of you I grew up severely bullied and socially isolated which only fucked me up even worse.

I have many, more "soft examples" of my many social dysfunctions and unproductive proclivities which I'm sure a handful of you habe experienced too but I won't go into them here. Blah-blah HKV, yadah-yadah vidya only friend, le attention-whore suicidal and le edgy homicidal thoughts, you know the same old story.

Though I will say I was put in the special education classes all my school years. I've been "diagnosed" (i.e., "fuck if we know, let's just stamp the dumb child's forehead with SOMETHING so we can toss him in the sped room and fuhgeddaboutit until the next time his mom or dad comes bitching at us for not doing anything, fuck actually helping him and fuck his nagging cunt parents too") with just about everything from retardation, down's syndrome, schizophrenia, sociopathy, autism, asperger's… That last one seems the closest but still not quite (I understand empathy, I don't have a laser-focus on pointless shit, and so on), but I'm not going to trust any "diagnosis" from minimum-wage-paid middle- and high-school counselors. Especially since the idea about asperger's came from my mom watching Oprah of all things. That alone is enough to trip my bullshit meter.

Anyway, post-HS I've tried several generic therapists and counselors to try and get help but they don't really listen. I think they expect me to "just bee myslef xD" and treat my introspective tendencies like it were a disease – some of them were quite frankly insulting, dismissing my 3-5 page "this is how I feel, this is a short history of my painful upbringing, these are what I think are wrong about me," self-introductions since I suck at verbal communication; that one asshole refused to even take it from my hands, calling it "just information" and "I wanna hear from the 'real you'" I so wanted to break his smug jaw right then and there.

And in almost all cases they just give me a one-page questionnaire with less than a dozen dreadfully hazy lines like "I feel like I am not as far as I wish to be in life: Strongly Agree, Agree, etc." and with that and that alone decide I am "chemically imbalanced" and try to put pills in my hands and send me on my way. Fuck. That. Shit.

b9a53c No.916

>>915 (continued)

What I'm looking for is PROFESSIONAL, SPECIALIST help, and I have no idea where to go to get it because I have little specific idea about what the hell is wrong (or right?) with me except vague symptoms and nameless negative (neutral/posititve?) emotions and desires like:

>All my life I've felt like I were wrong to my very core, like I don't belong in this society/on this planet. My values, wants, needs, and such are completely at odds with those around me; they don't understand mine and I don't understand theirs.

>I don't know how to lead a conversation.

>I often feel an overwhelming urge to create things, anything from writing to drawing to animating to singing to sculpting to painting…

>I can't reconcile the want to belong and the want to be left alone; this cognitive dissonance makes my brain hurt if I try to dwell on it.

>I find interacting with people beyond the superficial (e.g., grocery store clerks or passing by a coworker) for long leaves me mentally and emotionally drained and I can only recover by sitting quietly and doing 'nothing' in seculsion for a while, and if I don't get my alone time I start going neurotic and short-tempered.

>I have nasty and violent fantasies about people who slight me.

>People keep ignoring and talking over me, then asking "wat's wrong?" and "y so quiet?"

>I hate myself. I don't want to live anymore. Why? See above.

And so forth.

Who's to say if some of the things I've listed are actual "defects" in my being or are just personality traits/quirks that are incompatible (or I just don't know how to make them work "correctly") with the surrounding society I just so happened to be born in and need to learn ways to route around them like two pieces of electronics that have no way to connect on their own so need an "adapter" of some sort?

In engineering, one of the key methods of solving an issue is asking the right questions in the first place. As you saw in that list, I don't even know what specifically to fucking say! No wonder I can't get help, how is anyone supposed to help you when the only thing you can really say is "I feel my existence is badwrong" and other things 'everyone else' experiences?!

Trying to figure me out drives me up a fucking wall!

I hope some of you have experience trying to get specialized help. I'm not here to ask about disabilitybux or autismbux, what I want to know is how and where I can go to get professional help, from those who know well about autism/asperger's etc. as that's the closest anyone's come up with for what's wrong with my head. If I can get thoroughly tested (beyond pills for depression and those useless, insulting questionnaires) and find out "hey you're not actually a sperg!" that would be swell, too, because then I and my doctors can try something else so I can finally get real fucking treatment for once in my three wasted decades of existence so I can finally begin my goddamn life as a functional human being who has a place in this weird wide world aside from watching pirated cartoons in my bedroom.

Hopefully at least one of you are in the know, or know which direction to point me. I don't know where the fuck else to ask – if one or more of you do, please say so I can copy-paste spam.

Summary: re-read thread subject.




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