/alpha/ - Self-Improvement and Motivation

Welcome to /alpha/ OP
I'm sorry for your losses.

I wonder, have you consciously allowed yourself to grieve/feel sad over all you've lost? If I were in your place, I think I'd be closing all the blinds, locking the door, curling up into a ball and crying.

The reason I say that is because when life hits you like this... the only way out is through. You can't go back to being who you were before. You've got to acknowledge how you feel about what you lost, feel it, and let it mold you into a new person.

This is not the typical opinion, but I think that when you don't have the energy to keep going it can be dangerous to power through. It would be more productive to lay down on the floor and just stare at the ceiling and *feel*. Do whatever you need. Kick, scream, shout, cry, or just lay there. Within a few minutes to a few days the sadness and despair will be over and you can go on to your new life with new goals, new perspectives and renewed energy. On the other hand, if you try to keep going through the motions pretending that things are still like they were before and nothing's changed (with the help of, say, drugs, medications, distractions, plans and so on) you could go months or years just dragging yourself through life until you inevitably have one breakdown or depression after another.

>I just want to be able to code, so I can eventually become full-stack and work enough so that I can go to school for what I was doing before I had to drop out, which was C.S.

Even with plenty of energy and motivation, breaking into a new profession is no easy task. Since you haven't worked in a while, it may be useful to start with something gentler like volunteering. Something like that might help rehabilitate you back into working around other people.

Any chance you could sign back up for university with loans or something? I'm not saying you'd be set if you got your CS degree, but it would be much easier to land a job. Shit, I've known people that had great paying jobs *while* they were studying CS, that is how desperate some companies are. Also, as a student you'd have access to a social life, insurance, counseling, medicine and all that.

Finally, is programming/CS really what you want to do? Sometimes choices may seem to make sense intellectually, but if any other part of you (your body, your feelings, or your long-term vision for your life, for example) is not into it, then all your energy can disappear because you're not "all in."

Derailing here for a bit.
>with how I'm sleeping all day
>facing chronic fatigue symptoms since 16
>went to PCP to see if anything wrong with me
>diagnosed with epstein barr virus
>everyone has that, no worries
>o-okay
>22, went to go see psychiatrist to see if there might be something mentally wrong with me because -so tired-
>diagnosed with ADD-PI
>makes sense, okay
>24 year olds, tired of side-effects from medications
>went to go see oncologist to see if I may have some metastasis from prior cancer
>tests turned out clear for even celiac disease
>alright, so maybe I'm depressed
>first psychiatrist tells me to take anti-depressants for life
>NOPE

Desperately need a second-opinion. Either way, $5k isn't that much for a semester at a community college for me to be making that a job that actually pays me what I'm worth. What I need is something, whether it be cognitive behavioral therapy or psychiatric drugs to help me focus on what it is that I need to accomplish to make having a job to afford C.C. or university come true.

>Finally, is programming/CS really what you want to do? Sometimes choices may seem to make sense intellectually, but if any other part of you (your body, your feelings, or your long-term vision for your life, for example) is not into it, then all your energy can disappear because you're not "all in."

The only thing that I'm worried about pursuing what I want my career to be is my learning gaps in maths, which is practically everything there is to C.S., I know.

>>194
>When you say that you need "constant handholding", why is that?
Reminders.

>Is it to keep you motivated?
Motivation. I lose interest very quickly.

(2/2)

Apologizing if the posts in this thread don't make any sense, I've been drinking to take off the edge from replying to this thread, probably due to the social anxiety that I have from talking about the problems in the first place. I still haven't seen a therapist, so it makes sense that I'd feel uncomfortable talking about my parents dying and me getting cancer, bear with it.

>>205
>>206
>>207

I'm not the one who wrote this:

>>192

But instead, I'm the one who wrote this:

>>194

You recognize several of your problems:

>I'm horrible at following through.
>I have so many learning gaps
>I feel dull.
>I'm sleeping all day

What is the next thing that you could do for each of these?

You also propose a solution for some of them:

>What I need is something, whether it be cognitive behavioral therapy or psychiatric drugs to help me focus on what it is that I need to accomplish to make having a job to afford C.C. or university come true.

What is the next thing that you need to do to make this happen?

From what you mention, it sounds like you have some measure of depression (which is not a mood, by the way, so you might not "feel" depressed). I think therapy can help you, even though I had some problems with a couple therapists not seeming focused or disciplined or structured enough with their practice, but the last one I saw seemed OK. I actually read the pictured book and found it extremely helpful for me and enjoyed it's "brutally optimistic"* tone. The title sounds cheesy but the book is the opposite because it instructs you on how to challenge some of your unrealistic thoughts, especially ones that are more negative than they need to be. The author was actually the person who developed one of the earliest forms of cognitive-behavioral therapy (he called his flavor "rational-emotive behavioral therapy"), which was a challenge when Freudian psychoanalysis dominated at the time (so you can see that he's willing to question things, just like he teaches people to question their irrationally-negative thoughts). He also gives you some solid exercises to do to put everything into practice. My criticisms of my therapists had to do with them not giving me these sorts of exercises; I wanted something well-defined to do between sessions make and measure progress. You can "interview" your therapists to see if they give this kind of "homework" as I call it. I didn't know this, but some of them will let you interview them for free, and it certainly doesn't help to ask for some to begin with.

>I just don't know if there's a way I can get someone to help me find the right volunteering job for me.

Why do you need someone else to do this?

>first psychiatrist tells me to take anti-depressants for life
>NOPE

Why not try them? You can always get off of them. You might worry that they will change you emotionally (I don't know if this is your reason for not taking them, but it is one I've heard from someone else and seems a common hone), but you complain a lot about how your emotions and lack of motivation are not helping you. You might think of it this way: you can use them until you get out of this rut you're in now (where you clearly can see taht you have problems but aren't doing what you know you need to do about them), and then rely more on the skills you develop through practice as you get better. Could you go to your doctor with this sort of plan and see if it's OK with them? You could propose some measure of progress to determine whether or not you could get off them or need to get back on them together.

>LSD, mushrooms, DMT, salvia, have also helped push me out of the fixation of death

I fixate as well, and it sounds like you saw that you can distract yourself to end fixations. Does it have to be done with substances which leave you dormant for long periods of time and might be adversely affecting you mentally and emotionally? What else could you do?

But here's the big "open secret" of people who accomplish a lot of things: they don't always feel motivated! I don't. I think others might chime in here and tell you the same. But here's another open secret: sometimes when you start anyways, you get motivated. And once you find out that sometimes motivation follows action, that inertia breaks. But after a while it won't matter so much if you are motivated because you'll start and get things done anyways, and it will feel better having done what you need to do afterward. And you can do things to smooth over the tedium (listen to music while you're doing chores, etcetera).

*I first heard this phrase from Henry Rollins.

>>210

Hmmmm, for some reason the picture doesn't display correctly. Anyways, the book is ''How to Stubbornly Refuse to Make Yourself Miserable About Anything: Yes, Anything" by Albert Ellis.

>>205
>I can't even afford community college at the rate that I'm living with how I'm sleeping all day to even get a job.

Ahh... the fact that you're sleeping all day suggests to me a kind of subconscious imitation of death. It's a repression of the desire to live. It's as if a part of you, after having so many brushes and experiences with death, is saying, "If I act as if I am already dead, then death cannot get me anymore." You see? It's a protection mechanism. It's like the human version of an animal playing dead to save itself from being eaten by a predator.

Of course, the animal is different because once the predator leaves, the danger is gone, and it can get back up, shake itself off and go on as if nothing had happened. But we as thinking, feeling human beings with memories, imagination, etc. can be haunted by whatever it is that has triggered our defense mechanisms. And so they stay active even when intellectually we might know we want to go on with our lives.

So if this is true, you have to make a decision for yourself. You have to become aware of this "living death" that you are enacting and decide if it is still useful or what.

Of course death is going to come to us all, but the typical person is not as aware of it as sharply as you are, exposed as you have been to the reality of it at such an early age. So this is how the typical person in their twenties is able to live without a fear of death... it's just a distant eventuality for them, something abstract to happen in the far distant future in old age or something. Of course, you know different, and you've taken steps to try to protect yourself (albeit unconsciously).

Well, so the question is, how do you reclaim your ability to live? How do you convince this part of you that you no longer need or wish to play dead? This may be a difficult question to answer in a general sense because a lot will depend on your philosophical beliefs and your religious views or lack thereof.

>>206
>What I need is something, whether it be cognitive behavioral therapy or psychiatric drugs to help me focus on what it is that I need to accomplish to make having a job to afford C.C. or university come true.

Yeah it'd probably be wise to see a counselor or a therapist. If you're in the US this shit costs money, but you might be able to find someone that works on a sliding scale. You can search on the Psychology Today website for practitioners near you:

http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/?utm_source=PT_Psych_Today&utm_medium=House_Link&utm_campaign=PT_Right_Find_Therapist

You could also try to find some kind of public mental health clinic. It may or may not be free or subsidized, I don't know, but since therapy isn't cheap they're probably going to want to give you some antidepressants. This is not a bad idea actually, because the right antidepressant can give you the much needed energy to help yourself. You can also see a regular doctor for antidepressants, as they can prescribe them. The only downside is that it can take a few tries to find the right antidepressant, so it can get a little pricey with the doctor's appointments if you don't have insurance, but the medicine itself is dirt cheap... every pharmacy in the land has generic ADs for $4 a month, and using the GoodRx app/site you can find great deals on other, non-generic ones.

Speaking of self-help, I'd highly recommend it. Read self-help books and listen to inspirational audios and videos. You never know where you might get an insight that can change your life. Your local library can be a great place to start looking, and of course there are lots of torrents and pdfs online. I personally recommend anything by Tony Robbins, Jim Rohn, Deepak Chopra... lots of good advice and motivation from guys like that.

Finally, you should give up the drink, my man. I know of nothing that can screw up a person's state of mind faster than alcohol. It's a slippery slope, I'm just sayin'. Alcohol, in terms of negative side effects, makes antidepressants look like breath mints by comparison, no joke.

>>209
Done and done.

For clarification, I don't want to give off the impression that I'm using alcohol regularly. Firstly, I can't afford it. Secondly, it was the holidays. I felt incapacitated to reply back sober and needed a push for the catharsis to happen.

So, moving along with the posts ITT:

I'm, again, impressed at the thought and time put together with these posts and wouldn't want to rush out any responses that would otherwise need some time for the "meaning" to soak in. /alpha/ is a slow board, as well.

>>210
>What is the next thing that you could do for each of these?

A bulk of the remedy for my complaints (apart my fatigue, which I've blown a lot of cash to figure out what it could be with no avail), could just be a "mind over matter" type of fix. Exactly that is what I'm having trouble finding. Executive function, for lack of better words. I've just been led to believe something entirely else by looking for a root cause as to why I act the way I do. If it's what I'm thinking is wrong with me, then that would confirm the diagnosis that I received when I was evaluated 3 years back that labeled by symptoms as ADD. Unless you're of the camp to tell me ADHD doesn't exist, then there's nothing for me to do but get on medication to treat it. If you are to tell me ADHD doesn't exist, then I'm chemically depressed.

Ideally, I'd just want a fix from the fatigue and sleepiness that I get from when I wake up and all throughout the day. I'm an anomaly to caffeine as well, and maybe someone out there could tell me why this is the case, but whenever I drink any form of caffeine I don't get a typical reaction from drinking it. Why is that? Sleep apnea? Depression? ADHD?

I've taken Vyvanse for a year and half, on and off. It would make me even sleepier, but that could have to do with maybe the comorbidity happening with the depression. Either way, I'm thinking of trying Provigil before going on antidepressants.

Why I'm so insistent on avoiding antidepressants altogether?

I'm afraid of messing up some neurochemistry, I guess. I know that the stimulant medication that I'm taking has a impeccably shorter half-time and withdrawal without any titration process that antidepressants have. I also want to be of the impression that my problems, which have to range from speech, lethargy, executive functioning, have more to relate with in ADHD than they do depression. Although, obviously there can be a coexistence and in my case more so, but I'd prefer trying every non-stimulant/stimulant there is before getting on an AD.

When interviewing a therapist (whenever I'll be able to afford a therapist, since none seem to want to work with my insurance), should I be asking specific questions? Apart from the exercises, what should I be asking? I'm really in favor of the CBT flavor than the psychoanalytical one for the situation that I'm currently in, being stuck at home and penniless. I need to form positive habits that can help me retain focus and motivation. A schedule to get back on things. Everything is unregulated, currently.

>awake at 3AM
>asleep throughout day
>when actually awake properly
>tired all the time
>excuses to not work
>distractions through vidya, movies, consumption
>know I need to get a portfolio, github, tutorials, website together
>don't have energy, focus, willingness to stick with it

A lot of it boils down to me, but I'm being avoidant to the problem. I want to really be able to do all these things too, but I'm afraid, tired, and pessimistic.

Do you have a .pdf for the book?

>Does it have to be done with substances which leave you dormant for long periods of time and might be adversely affecting you mentally and emotionally?

I haven't so much as smoked pot in about a year. I keep drinking to a minimum, usually during the weekends. Fixations are something that could potentially become exacerbated by them, either way. I'm drawing my thoughts out in the way that they come, but I suppose drugs helped them come out simpler. Thinking was cut out from the equation. No longer would there be a frozen period of not doing, I would just do. It felt good for a while until anxieties set in. As a principle, I'm a man of very short addictions. Longstanding ones have been in the form of diversion through video games, but I was never one to commit to anything. This is something that I would like to address. This behavior could resonate with how I'm coping, or have coped thus far, to my parents being dead. Maybe.

>>212
>>213
I'll be checking out that website to see if I'm eligible for someone under my coverage. Wound up with someone through ratemydoc.com and a slew of quacks on ZocDoc, wasn't pleasurable. I'm very much still on the fence when it comes to antidepressants. I'm worried in having an antidepressant mess with pathways that aren't related to my alleged ADD diagnosis. I'll wait for a second opinion on that one, but I'll need more convincing. Assuming, since you're versed in price brackets and types of ADs, that you're on one? How well have you tolerated the AD?

Treading back to the first post you've replied with now, your assessment had me choked up somewhat. No doubt that the episodes I've gone through have impacted me and shaped my worldview to what I'm imparting in this thread, how now I'm expecting a course with checkups at oncology and hospital visits to not wanting to participate with it at all. Tired of it all.

Where's the baggage claim in the airport terminal of life? I'm always attempting to reclaim or hold on to something, it seems. I'm not religious in any way, but I've squandered most of my rationale away by accepting the absurdity of what life throws at you, no matter how much you sleep or how much you do. I'd have to say, in the past year alone, I've made strides in continuing with life and sharing it with someone who I love more than anything else.

I just want to stand firmly on my own, beyond anything else.

>>219
Yeah, I was on venlafaxine and it was great; had no sides. It quickly fixed my sleep schedule, which was a big source of stress for me (used to stay up late and slept all morning). I was only on it for six months, and the only thing was when I stopped I had some shivers and wooziness for a few days but it wasn't too bad.

ADs are rather weak drugs, IMO, not much better than placebo, but they're better than nothing. It's just that you need to find the right one for you. You don't have to put up with any effects you don't like, since there are so many you could try. So if one makes you too sleepy, try another on; if one makes you too anxious, try another one, and so on.