Forgive my faggotry, /atheism/. I tried doing this in an independent thread, but got denied because I can't start threads here while using TOR.
How many of you have had experience with mental issues, /atheism/? I'm posting here because I can't think of any other place on the internet that I can go without having everything I post logged and fed into an advertising system, and you all seem like level-headed, intelligent people. Forgive me for being offtopic, but I sure as shit ain't sharing this with the likes of /b/ and I can't think of any other board with people who aren't assholes.
Growing up, I had a pretty acute set of mental symptoms; I would stave off social contact as much as possible and lived out life in a fantasy world. I had imaginary girlfriends and imaginary friends in a world that I controlled, but in the real world I was incredibly socially awkward and could not function as a normal person socially. I couldn't talk to people and my mom, thinking that all I had was ADHD, proceded to drug me out of my mind with Ritalin, thanks to a doctor that just took everything at her word. I also exhibited OCD-like symptoms such as mumbling "SHIT! GOD FORGIVE ME! SHIT! GOD FORGIVE ME!" over and over in my head, as well as thinking that my parents could read my thoughts if they were touching me, especially on my head.
I knew that what was going on in me wasn't normal, but it got really bad during puberty. I began having delusions that all sorts of fucked up things were true that weren't. For instance, I got it stuck in my head that the Yeerks from Animorphs were real and that my parents had them in their heads. I lived in fear from about 13-14 that they were being controlled by aliens. Later, religion started to play a part in it; I would get by myself and think that The Rapture had happened, terrified that I was going to hell and would come home running to my parents, crying out of fear. I also found myself terrified of thinking that I was the antichrist and would find myself staring at my hand and a scar on my forehead, making out patterns that I was convinced were the mark of the beast.
The worst part about all of this was that I knew that I was crazy, and I fought it every single day. Eventually, I won. It took years, but at 15 I had a girlfriend and by 16, I'd managed to develop a circle of friends and was on my fifth girlfriend. Now in my mid 20's, this all seems like a distant, echoing memory of a guy I knew once, a guy that doesn't exist any more. Still, I know that I am the same person who thought all of these fucked up things. It's terrifying that I was like that then, but I'm nothing like that now. My wife, who knew me back then, as well as my parents talk about how different I am, how it's like I'm a different person. Thing is, I never told them about it. I can't imagine what they'd do or say now if I told them how I was. My blanket of secrecy has never been lifted before and I can't help but to think that I'm not all that rare, that there may be a lot more people out there like me.