No.5522969
Once you fix everything, get a nice body, a good job, feel on top of the world, and ready to move forward, you realise you feel the same. Everyone else is the same. You never really fixed anything, just made it look different. You still don't understand
people, and they don't understand you. They still make fun of you, having spent all those years improving while you've just begun. You realise how important social development during your nesting years is, that you can never make up for that. You just can't.
You made a promise to yourself to kill yourself if things aren't significantly better by the time you're 30. You've past 30 and decided things don't feel so bad…then you soon realise nothing has changed, except you're no longer scraping by and get along with strangers better. No one wants to be your friend. You watch coworkers strike up friendships outside work. No one asked you. You're still not married. Your relationships with the opposite sex have amounted to distant acquaintances…just like everyone else.
You realise you'll never have friends unless they're just as insecure and pretending as you. They'll be fat and ugly and damaged. You won't, you're just damaged, nowadays.
You'll empty bottles of liquor every week. You tell yourself your shotgun is just for home defence, you're not interested in suicide. You know you've always been lying to yourself. You know you'd never fix yourself. You tried because you thought optimism is a good thing; was true. You learned that your lucid realisations gleaned in youth can really be truer than all the gloss adulthood forced on you to accept your miseries.
Fuck you, mom and dad. I'm going away, for once.
No.5522997
No.5522999
Fuck man, I've got nothing.
No.5523028
No.5523032
No.5523033
How do I stream my suicide with a smartphone? It's Jellybean Android, with front and rear cameras.
No.5523048
>>5523033
No one? I don't wanna become complacent again for another few months.
No.5523157
No.5523165
>>5523033
>smartphone
KYS cuck
No.5523216
>>5523165
Like I'm driving to Walmart to buy a computer and camera.
No.5523230
>>5523216
have fun earning millions for the datamining jew kike
No.5523232
Jesus Christ.
I'm tearing myself apart over a girl that I feel used to like me, but now things have become incredibly cold and formal.
I guess she finally caught on that I'm just some fucking loser and is now hanging out with some other guy in the class. I'm not her favorite anymore, and it fucking hurts. The other dude is actually pretty cool. I can't even hate him, so I guess that makes me a cuck.
Since then I've been wanting to reinvent myself. Become more mature. Get out more and live a little. Maybe then she, and the others close to me, would see me differently.Maybe they wouldn't see me as a loser. Maybe they wouldn't see me as a fucking man-child. Maybe.
I get that I should't change myself for anyone else, but it's the only thing giving me the urge to change.
I have to stop being a faggot and accept that things are the way they are. Accept that I am who I am.
No.5523235
Eh, well you could just chill out
No.5523307
>>5523232
You're right anon. But some things can never be fixed unless you had loving parents who taught you well and helped you learn to properly socialise. If you didn't have a safe, warm place to retreat to and recover and learn, you're likely irreparably damaged. Or if you had parents that were too worried about their own image and feelings to let you fuck off and freely learn on your own, and kept you at their heel, you never had the chance to learn.
Welcome to 8chan. Get comfy or you will kill yourself.
No.5523341
>>5523307
I get that. My father died when I was young. My mother raised me. She… cared… in her own way. She was doting, over protective, strict, controlling and emotionally distant. She is the only parent I have and she couldn't even open up to me.
I've still got trust and abandonment issues from my fathers passing.
Even still; I refuse to accept that they are solely responsible for who I am now. I refuse to rationalize my actions because of them.
I know I am incredibly naive for believing that, when it comes down to it, I jave the last say.
"You are who you choose to be"
No.5523354
No.5523390
File: 1458461852600.jpg (31.44 KB, 409x526, 409:526, tumblr_mukueqd7vw1supq6po1….jpg)
>>5523232
> I can't even hate him, so I guess that makes me a cuck.
that is actually a very mature response: you're not envious of the guy, you grant him something. It's hard, yes, but life can be incredibly hard.
>>5522969
>You'll empty bottles of liquor every week.
Stop with that. Life is full of pain. The pain does not go away when you take drugs or alcohol.
I felt like you, felt like shit over my shitty body and dito outlook. I started working on myself and now i feel better. people say nice things about me, but yesterday i realized that i am the person holding myself back, being so focused on trying to find ways to improve, while not being able to be content with the person i am,
I still feel oddly distanced from college buddies and most people (thank you acid), but i take pleasure in being a person who is able to enjoy his own company. i am certain a girl will come down the road that will see that.
see it like this: when you are a sulky person, people do not want to be near you. stop blaming your parents for your life: they may or may not have given you a warm place to grow (emotional neglect is abuse), but perpetuating their way of thinking by trying to stick a gun to your face will only confirm their lack of belief in you.., and you don't want, do you?
p.s.
stop browsing chans so much: they are shitholes
my point being
No.5523413
>>5523232
>a girl that I feel used to like me
>I guess that makes me a cuck
If you never had a relationship, she can hardly be cheating on you.
No.5523424
>>5523390
That's what I tell myself, too. About the girl I mean. If you cannot love yourself, how can you expect someone else to love you?
I realized that my world is very small. It's only really the college, the workplace and home. Maybe that's why I'm fretting over this one girl. If I see how big the world really is, and how different the people in it are, I could find someone amazing.
Skulking is something you do not want to do. I skulked and I not only made things more awkward, I made it difficult for people to approach me. It surprised me how much stress was relieved when I chatted with someone else.
Companionship of any kind helps.
No.5523455
>>5523413
That bothers me as much as anything else. I know we didnt actually have anything. If anything, she was just having some fun, and my pathetic, needy self took it as something more.
Believe me. Rationally, I undertand this. But I still feel shit. I'm tired of it. But I dont know how to stop it
No.5523456
>>5523424
I'm really good at making acquaintances. I'm terrible about friendships, especially long-term.
No.5523486
>>5523456
I used to be so judgemental about those bitchy cheerleders yoi see in tv shows. The ones that drive away people because of their insecurities so that they arent actually left by them.
Everything made sense when I realized I have abandonment issues. I see now that that is what makes it difficult to create meaningful, long-lasting relationships with people.
Acquaintances are easy enough for me, too. I almost literally freeze up when they want anything remotely past a shallow connection.
Just another hurdle i gotta jump I guess.
No.5523508
>>5523486
>abandonment issues
This is usually stated in terms of latching on to others too quick and forming codependence. Never thought of it in opposite terms. I guess it's good I learned to exist alone, but I'd rather not really be alone.
No.5523512
>>5523307
>If you didn't have a safe, warm place to retreat to and recover and learn, you're likely irreparably damaged
Probably the most logical thing I've ever seen posted on 8/b/. and something that I can relate to more than I really care to admit.
No.5523518
No.5523544
>>5523341
How old are you, anon?
No.5523570
>>5523544
Too old to be having these problems. I know I sound like some angsty teen.
No.5523571
So kill yourselves already and stop lingering and crying about it.
No.5523578
>>5523571
Looks like we have ourselves a certified edgelord here.
No.5523582
>>5523048
You don't. Go to a major train station and jump, footage will be uploaded to liveleak by some bored copper.
Also, your remains will cost more than thousands of dollars and man hours in repairs and cleaning.
Alternatively, don't be a pussy, and learn to love suffering. Become a buddhist or an edgelord
No.5523603
Protip: There are people who have had it worse than you.
Since you have access to a computer, I can safely assume you don't have a meth addiction. That is Step 1.
Step 2 is finding a purpose
This is the hardest part
sad thread, because I have no purpose, so happy webm
No.5523612
>>5523603
>tfw you don't have a litter of pug puppies
I have a couple of boxers, but that many pug puppies jumping on you looks awesome. I love dogs.
No.5523659
>>5523612
I posted that webm for the man's reaction.
The fact that pugs exist the way that they are makes me kinda sad. Imagine a long lineage of royally-trained Chinamen breeding manlets with breathing difficulties out of exceptionally healthy hunting beasts that are descendants of fucking wolves.
Not really cute
No.5523731
>>5522969
AT LEAST THERE IS STILL ANIME
No.5523750
>>5523659
Well, way to ruin that webm for me, ya prick.
That guy looked like he was having a great time with all those dogs, though. I'll stick with my boxers since I'm not really into little dogs.
No.5523756
>>5523603
Russian sounds so weird when it's used to express happiness.
>>5523659
>Imagine a long lineage of royally-trained Chinamen breeding manlets with breathing difficulties out of exceptionally healthy hunting beasts that are descendants of fucking wolves.
Dogs don't have pride in their size in that way. They aren't ashamed, they're lovey-dovey and happy. Don't go finding problems where none exist.
No.5523768
>>5522969
>tfw can't even get a shotgun here
;_;
No.5523782
>>5523768
Guns are unreliable anyway.
You should be able to buy cylinders of helium, nitrogen, neon, argon, krypton, xenon, or radon gas, so just hook one of them up to a breathing mask and have fun.
No.5523786
>>5523768
Anon visit a doctor.
In worst case scenario dial 000
No.5523874
>>5522969
You could always stop blaming your parents, stop whining on chans and quit alcohol. Become a painter, you'll get to draw naked women and meet other eccentric weirdos that way or become a drug dealer and meet lots of other "broken" people.
No.5523883
>>5522969
OP, pls stop.
I'm just 20 and I feel the same.
Is it too late for me? I tried changing how I look, from clothes to fitness to hairstyle, I tried becoming more social, yet no one wants to be my friend.
No.5523889
>>5523883
There's an entire planet to explore. You don't have to confine yourself to the well-worn path directly in front of you.
No.5523898
>>5523889
What I want is friends. Real friends.
People to connect with and just feel happy when I see them. People I would buy gifts for for no other reason than the fact that I love them, no occasion behind it.
People to hang out with at each other's places and do nothing but talk for hours from the middle of the night until dawn.
Physical stimulation is not the same to me as emotional.
No.5523901
>>5523898
>What I want is friends. Real friends.
Where are you from?
No.5523903
No.5523905
No.5523908
>>5523903
>Not the West.
What country? I'd be your bro, but I'm too poor to fly to another country just to chill ;_;
>>5523905
I'm in your WV thread.
No.5523911
>>5523898
Are you in any clubs or hobby groups?
Just find people who you have something in common with, talk to them, and start inviting them to do things with you. If they reciprocate, then you're on the right path.
No.5523926
>>5523911
>>5523908
I tried that, then I got rejected by someone I really liked, and simultaneously found out that a group of people whom I call friends don't see me as a friend, all the while fucking up in some courses I'm taking.
It's a shit semester overall.
Not gonna say where I am; most people wouldn't even consider coming here.
I'm stalker anon, btw >>5513389
No.5523940
>>5523926
Wait, are you the one that followed a dude to another country to go to the same college as him? If you're who I think you are you made a few threads about following the guy around. I don't remember all the details, though.
No.5523950
>>5523940
There were multiple stalkers on here. I think that's a different one but I'm not sure.
No.5523951
>>5523926
>>5523940
You moved to another country? KEKOL'
No.5523963
>>5523940
>>5523951
Still haven't gone yet.
Exchange program starts at the end of August.
He got approved to a different uni. I tried the same thing as him but it didn't work because my grades are "too high" for that uni.
Basically, I'm not gonna see him for around 7 months. A lot of time to try to get my shit together and improve myself.
No.5523968
Just stop pretending that you need friends. My mood has only been improving since I did that.
No.5523975
>>5523968
You don't need friends. No one needs anybody.
This is something we want.
If that's something you don't want in life, that's fine. But that's you.
No.5523976
>>5523968
>Just stop pretending that you need friends. My mood has only been improving since I did that.
This. When you stop feeling like you need people, at least in my case, my depression virtually disappeared. It's nice to socialize every now and again, but I'd much prefer to just hang out by myself.
No.5523978
>>5523307
>If you didn't have a safe, warm place to retreat to and recover and learn, you're likely irreparably damaged
This is something we'll have to learn to live with, I suspect. Or give up.
No.5523981
>>5523786
I have
anxiety and chronic depression
nothing really works
just recently I starved myself for over a week
shit only gets worse
No.5524000
>>5522969
Hey, fuck you. Try going through all that, but add a crippling depression and a marriage that somehow just happened to a wife whom you genuinely care for. Then things are feeling okay, so you decide to have a child. Maybe you have this figured out. Maybe you can give another person a fair chance at a happy life.
Suicide is a selfish act. What is one supposed to do if there are two people in the world you would never harm, nor would you want to see them come to harm? That's what ending the pain for yourself would do in that situation: it would deeply injure the only two people in existence who matter. You would no longer feel pain, but it would only be transferred to the last people who should feel that suffering.
So fuck you. You're not in that trap. Do us both a favor and take that exit. Show us both that the door is still there.
No.5524019
>>5524000
Nice projecting, faglord.
No.5524185
>>5523898
This shit right the fuck here. Having someone to whom you can entrust your life and vice versa.
I saw a thing about wolves where when an upsart comes to challenge the leader of the pack, his 'wife' would 'cower' underneath him.
What she's actually doing though is protecting his throat and staying at the ready to grab at the other fucker's throat.
That shit is so raw and fucking beautiful.
I want that.
No.5524241
>>5524217
Should've seen that coming. Nice meme, lad.
It's not that I want to be a wolf, it's just that mutual trust, or whatever that is, that would get them to even risk their lives for each other. I just thought that it is just something much truer and more powerful than amy word could express.
And yes, I took the bait. It's early here and Im hungry
No.5524307
>>5523874
Being a small time drug dealer worked out pretty well for me. When I was still a psych major, i was misled into believing that we were all delicate little flowers, raped by the cold, unforgiving wind, and that my anger stemmed from neglect and pain. After dealing with all the autists who like drugs I came to realize most people are just whiney cunts and I was just an asshole. I'm still a bit depressed, but at least I'm not an emotionally stunted manchild.
No.5524323
>>5523603
OP shouldn't kill himself, he should kill you.
You're fucking terrible at trying to make people feel better.
No.5524359
god damn this thread is full of normies
No.5524371
>>5524359
fuck off wizardchan
No.5524389
I know someone who for 35 years would say variations of "I'm going to kill myself."
He finally did last week.
No.5524390
>>5524371
GO BACK TO PLEBBIT
No.5524401
No.5524426
>>5524389
Why did he do it?
No.5524432
>>5522969
>You realise you'll never have friends unless they're just as insecure and pretending as you.
Why don't you just try to not be insecure and pretending? It's a much better way of living.
No.5524433
No.5524461
>>5524432
>why don't you just uncancer yourself?
No.5524466
>>5522969
I feel I don't have real friends, last night I cooked for ten people and I have worked almost 60 hours this week and all I felt from them was then being cold and angry at me for small insignificant things. I feel bullied all the time, I am starting to refuse to eat or drink. In the last two days I ate poptarts and a small thing of noodles. I think I am reaching my breaking point where I might just kill myself. What's the point any more? Does it amount to anything in the end? I don't think so, if everyone wants to bully me and I work my ass off to do all this stuff I might as well end it now.
No.5524566
>>5524461
To be fair, he could at least try to not be such a faggot.
No.5524701
File: 1458497042660.png (439.54 KB, 850x864, 425:432, Literally a pack of nigger….png)
>>5524241
lel wolves are fags. The only reason they pack hunt and look out for each other is because they are weaklings who can't survive alone most of the time. As soon as they see they don't need a member, his ass is toast. It's like asking why do niggers need 5 people to steal an iphone? None of them can 1v1 effectively.
No.5524768
>>5524701
Fuckin' aye! Bears are best animals!
also, cats
No.5524914
>>5524466
Ive been considering it, and maybe you should too.
Have you tried therapy? Having someone help you figure out who you are and what you want in life?
Maybe other people aren't for you. Maybe you're enough company for yourself, and anyone else is just a bonus?
No.5524936
I just realized something: Suicide prevention is a liberal's pro-life.
So you prevented a person's death, okay. Now what has changed for them? How will you solve their problems for them?
Say their problem is emotional, that they just want to make friends, so you try to become their friend. Would you have become their friend if you didn't know they wanted to kill themselves? They're still the same person that can't make friends, now with someone who is a constant reminder of the failure that they are at that as a "friend". And even if they were okay with that, what guarantees you wouldn't leave them because of how much of a burden they've become for you? What guarantees that you wouldn't get irritated because of their flaws that prevented from getting friends in the first place? That you wouldn't enjoy being with them at all?
Nothing has changed other than they suffer more for a longer time.
Talking someone out of it doesn't solve anything; you have to get to the root of the problem.
No.5525184
>>5524466
Take some time off work.
No.5525380
>>5524936
Basically. The root of the problem lies in the fact that they believe that their happiness depends on external factors. If it is possible to be happy under your given circumstances and you are unhappy, then you are solely to blame for your unhappiness. It only takes one person being happy under circumstances that are identical to your own for it to be proven that you are to blame for your misery. People being happy in situations worse than your own only provides further proof.
No.5525419
>>5525380
I'm going to lock you in a dark room and torture and let Tyrones rape you for a year. If you're unhappy and insecure after that then it's your own fucking fault.
You can always just look on the bright side and man up, stop being a pussy.
No.5525457
>>5525419
>You can always just look on the bright side and man up, stop being a pussy.
lmao what a shit method of dealing with depression lmao
No.5525530
>>5525457
>It only takes one person being happy under circumstances that are identical to your own for it to be proven that you are to blame for your misery
touché
No.5525543
>>5525419
If there's someone out there who could endure that or worse and manage to be happy, then my unhappiness would be my failure.
No.5525740
>>5523756
I'm not talking about the dog's feelings on racial purity, dumbass.
I'm talking about how the dog has an unnecessarily hard life
>>5524323
thanks :^)
No.5525784
No.5526121
>>5525380
So, what? Is there some internal switch that suddenly turns off your unhappiness?
Is it really as simple as "I think Ill just be hapoy now"?
No.5526189
>>5526121
For me, sort of. There's resistance, but you ignore the voice in your head saying life's fucked. Fake it till you make it isn't all that inaccurate. Initially it's a bitch but repeated attempts get easier over time. After you get good it basically is like flipping a switch even though it used to be like nervously smiling and ignoring the fact that your house is on fire and you're about to die. Hard at first but it gets easier.
No.5527479
>>5526189
Is it that much healthier than wallowing in misery, though?
What the fuck am I saying, of course it's better than being a mopey shit.
Regardless, do you think that there are any negative side affects to this, though?
Like reflexively shying away from problems rather than dealing with them?
No.5527598
>>5527479
accept the way you feel, commit to changing it
No.5527840
>>5527598
I have, multiple times, and I honestly felt better.
I just hate that it comes right back. I know I can get through it, because I have, i just need to figure out how to keep it that way.
No.5528093
>>5527840
I dunno. I feel like I basically have to live a dull life, otherwise I get too worked up in the wrong ways. Can't enjoy shit and I'm either boring as hell or totally nuts and annoying.
No.5528111
>>5522969
go to wizardchan and get cucked by the lunatic mods there?
No.5528117
>>5522999 (checked) and ('mirin)
You got dubs dubs and trips boi
No.5529895
>>5528117
That's not how dubs work
No.5529910
>>5528093
And that's what worries me. Am I supposed to go through life expecting the worst? Expecting it to fuck me in the ass and be pleasantly surprised when it pisses in my ear?
No.5530081
>>5522969
This is generic as fuck suicide posting
Afaik OP could be a troll trying to get someone to anhero, else he would give more details about his shitty life
>>5523424
> If you cannot love yourself, how can you expect someone else to love you?
BS advice, plenty of popular people are more self-destructive and hate themselves even more than the average chan dweller
No.5530359
>>5530081
I dont want to be self-destructive, though. I want to be better, and stay better.
Hell. I want to be the kind of person I would like to hang out with, you know?
I dont want to be someone Im not, just be the me I should be.
No.5531912
>>5530359
>I dont want to be someone Im not, just be the me I should be.
Lots of people you find cool and friendly are wearing a mask anon
I once ran an experiment: I created new online personas and engaged people I knew IRL in other sites they went too. Because they all thought I was some guy/girl in another country they would open up far more than they did IRL
The answers I got were astounding, their thoughts about me and other friends were completely different from what they said to me and others, sometimes the exact opposite, so much that even today years later I can't have a conversation IRL without wondering if I'm talking to a complete liar
Your problem anon is that you think you can "be yourself" when in reality you can't, nobody can do that and everybody does their best to stay within the acceptable parameters of society which is why everybody looks and thinks more or less the same, even the counter-culture is now a standard you can't deviate from.
The difference between other people and you is that they are better at hiding their true selves, the whole "hide your power level" meme is not that far from the true anon
I suggest you take acting lessons, maybe practices speeches and stuff, that way you can fake it in a more convincing way
No.5531961
I know a few people who are in a similar situation, the one person has gone off the deep end, he smokes DMT everyday among other things and preaches how reality is an illusion, probably doesn't have many friends but doesn't seem interested in making friends either. He's gone to the world.
Another guy I know started hanging with a strange crowd, he also didn't have friends, no he's doing meth and it's hard to even have a coherent conversation with the guy, his mind is slow from doing too many fucked up drugs.
I guess they isolate themselves for some reason.
No.5533400
>>5531912
I think we are all entitled to our own opinions, and to keep them secret. Sometimes, or even often, there are things better off left unsaid.
I just want to be who I want to be and hope that's good enough for me and/or one other person at least
No.5533409
Nice blog post mate. Here's to hoping you feel better!
No.5533470
>>5523307
My parents had a "let him do his own thing" approach to parenting. I ended up on my laptop 24/7 and I have the same problems socializing.
No.5533494
>>5533400
Well put. It's essential we be polite and sociable to others as best we can. The next leap, of moving past acquaintance to friend, is something I can't help with. Never figured it out myself.
I did run an experiment at my last job, which to be fair was fast food so no one gives a shit if you're weird and it's hard to get fired, where I was very open. Not exactly "niggers are subhumans" open, but still. It was def liberating and had very good relations with my coworkers. But I only made two friends who saw me outside work, one was a demanding, lying faggot and the other stabbed me in the back in the end.
Nowadays I just play nice at work and put them on Restricted list if they fB me. Guess I'm a faggot who holds wrong opinions. I dunno how to meet new people since I'm not in school or into any hobbies.
No.5533563
>>5533494
I know i make mistakes with coworkers as well. I doubt id intentionally stab someone in the back, but I wouldnt be surprised if I upset someone with my idiocy.
And Im in the same boat with friendships. I wouldn't even begin to know how to make a new friend from out of nowhere.
I figure that if I go to places I find interesting, Ill eventually come across some pretty cool people. At the very least, Id be enjoying myself. Bonus if I make a new friend.
>>5533470
My parent had an overprotective, controlling and emotionally reserved approach to raising me. Didn't figure out till later that that was probably the reason I become hoplessly "in love" with abusive gold-diggers/hoochies/emotionally distant women. Prolly because it's the only love ive ever really known.
Regardless, I know there's better out there. Ive seen it. I just gotta get out there.
No.5533649
>>5533563
>My parent had an overprotective, controlling and emotionally reserved approach to raising me
I feel mostly the same. They told me "you can be anything you want," but fuck everything I ever considered. They had a purely negative approach to teaching. They encouraged or feigned interest in nothing; only said "no, don't do/think/feel that." They mostly left me alone, in my room, but going outside was severely restricted. If I made friends and brought them over, they'd fuck with them the same they did me. My mom was worse, I think. A creeping manipulative poison. My dad was an explosive autistic SOB. And every little thing was blown into either a cause for death or dismemberment or torture. Or the worst decision ever.
So, given I didn't think it was right other people get fucked with by my parents, I learned to subtly push people away to protect them. No one should deal with my parents, or my cunt sister. I dunno wtf my dad wanted in the end, but I'm pretty sure my mom wanted to engineer someone to be her sick, overly-concerned puppy. I haven't spoken to either in a while. Neither could admit they did anything wrong or could've done anything better, or concede they might've been incorrect.
So fuck it. My parents were shit people. No one wants to deal with a harmless loser in their presumably self-found adulthood. I guess I'll wait for that 0.001%. I've found one good friend, but it helps he wants to bone me. I fear I'll have no equal friends who like me for me, because I'm so broken. And I don't blame anyone who refuses to deal with mentally ill people, they're very draining and don't give much back.
Fuck.
No.5533827
>>5533649
I remember my mom would blow shit out od proportion. If i didnt dice tomatoes right, she would go ape shit, (she used to whoop my ass but I think we both got too old for that)
She would refuse to the the poison i made.
She would constantly tell my brother and I that we were pieces of shot that wouldn't even make it as busboys.
I knew that she was just a fucking lunatic, but those words bit deep. I had a surprising amount of patience with complete strangers wanting to pick fights with me because the worst shit that has ever been said to me was by my own mother.
I remember she would exlaim that we were the reasons she would go off to an early grave, because we were jobless deadbeats. When we mustered the nuts to call her out on her bullshit, she would say that we could leave if we didnt like it.
That was when I was most suicidal. I genuinely believed that my death would be one less financial burden for her. That she would be happy without that stress i caused her.
I remember heading out to a vacant lot near some train tracks and laying my head on the rails. So many close calls.
One night i went out to that lot with my pocket knife. I was going to slit my wrists, then i flipped out at a thought. I was fucking livid because I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of me offing myself. I didn't want her to be so smug that she had that much control over my life.
Less than half a month later, my sis helped me find a job. It was a shit job, but it kept me busy and helped pay the bills.
In the end, I payed her bills and then some. She tries to talk shit now, but I mostly let it slide or snap back. She doesnt have that power over me like she used to. If anything, things are better. Much less cabin fever and less stress with the bills.
Im lucky that she is at least somewhat willing to change. I know other people that arent so lucky with their parents.
And I've felt that too. Ive felt that i was/am unworthy of peoples love and friendship. Now im just worried that they'll see what a loser I am and leave me. It's not much better, but it's not as bad as it used to be.
I guess what helped me is that I saw that I was worth something. That could be useful to some people. It helped my self esteem for damned sure, but I know I have a ways to go.
I hope you can see that youre worth something too, anon.
And sorry for being so faggy. Just in a faggy mood, I guess
No.5533839
>>5533827
Anon, I am so happy you had a sibling to help you and help you out of that situation.
No.5533858
>>5533839
Shit. I never really thought about where Id be now if my sister didnt bust my ass to get shit done.
Im sorry you don't have a decent relative that gives enough of a shit to help you out.
Everyone needs someone to help them when they cant help themselves.
Im here to at least talk shit out while this thread is up, for what it's worth, anon
No.5533989
>>5533858
It's okay, anon. I stuck to my inner senses enough about my family's behaviour being wrong and left it as soon as I could. Stopped talking to my cunt manipulative destructive sister as soon as she left around 18. Last I heard she was still a total cunt when she was 32 and I 28. I stopped seeing my dad about 21. My mom was more insidious and harder to pinpoint, but i left her completely at 28 after a long period of strictly business, almost zero feels. Things were on the surface calm, so I persisted until I boiled over from a lack of answers. So sterile and distant she, even as we were adults. I mini-blew up on her a handful of times and she could never admit she did anything wrong or could've done anything better. She couldn't even recognise I had deep wounds or feelings. She was energy-wise opposite my dad, she didn't have explosive anger, but that made it much harder to recognise her poison which I think was much worse. Creeping shadowy claws.
I guess I'm not a complete fuckup. I moved out at 18. Moved back in with my mom for a couple years after the 2008 recession. Was married, divorced. Never moved back, and can't now because I burned that bridge with the worst fucking napalm i could conceive (no ragrets). I'm 31 now. I fear I'll never heal to the point I wish, which I've read is absolutely common for people in my position.
I just hope I'm not one of those people who turn 80 and realise they held out, made themselves endure the shit, for nothing. That nothing got better like a normal person said it would.
And I should've saved myself the 50yrs of heartache.
No.5534046
>>5533989
Fuck. There's gotta be something worthwhile in your life? Something to keep you going? Something that could make you happier?
No.5534051
>>5533649
Fuck your faggoty story post more pictures of girls peeing
No.5534105
>>5534046
Not really. I'm pretty sure I need psychiatric drugs. Alcoholism keeps my bipolar from getting too crazy. i still flip my shit on overdrive, but less than once a year now. I've learned to deal with paranoia, though it flares up now and again. I've gotten over social phobia, but still can't connect with a real person or complete strangers. My PTSD features I doubt I can ever shake, they're too primitive/primal/triggered over minor shit. Yeah those are all professional dxs. Heh I'm fucked up, I guess. Fun for me.
I have a really good friend I met <3yrs ago who has done the world for me since. I still feel too dull. I've come real fucking far because of him, his emotional and small financial loan support I've repaid. Even things that excite me, like a new pistol or car, have this dull gloss inhibiting them. I think if I won the lottery and could afford to repair everything that can, it would never fix the slow encasement and erasure of my higher feelings.
I just think I'm permanently damaged. Not just emotionally, but because I didn't learn or have the honing of things I should've at the age I should've. It's something I try to not think about. I have no answers or places to look, except suicide.
No.5534187
>>5522969
>believing normalfag lies
You poor fool, embrace the void for is the only truth of life.
No.5538189
bump
Let's talk it out, anons.
No.5538667
>>5534105
I'm somewhat past my parent issues, I think.
I remember that I would never want friemds or classmates over because my mom is a hoarder. I saw that other kids didnt have shitty houses like mine, so i didnt want them to see mine.
My mom also lost her god damned mind so much I was afraid people would think Im crazy like her.
I havent had a single friend over to my place since elementary school. I didnt get out at all because we always had to clean. I couldnt go anywhere because she never wanted to give me a ride. I wasnt allowed to take the bus because it was too dangerous, as was walking. Couldnt get rides from friends because she didnt know them, meaning she had ti met them at the house, which I wasnt having.
All in all, it was a lonely childhood.
I blamed my isolation, loneliness, anxieties and social retardation on her. It's only later then that I realized that she is who she is. She prolly went through some fucked up shit herself and doesnt know how to put it aside for her kids.
I realized that in the end, I decide who I am and what Im capable of.
At the very least, I wont gove her the satisfaction of me being a fuck up at her hand.
At the most, I became my own man.
No.5538952
I'm a girl with emotional problems. What do I win?
No.5539147
>>5538952
>I'm a girl
As always, post tits or GTFO!
No.5539199
>>5538952
You win everything. Life is handed to you on a silver platter. You get to sit there and just let the compliments and offers of romantic and sexual and platonic companionship roll in, crushing the hopes of the men who ask you for permission to care about you, until you finally decide to take your pick of the litter. Meanwhile, you get constant automatic sympathy from most of society, with a legal and political system that bends over backwards for you. Don't worry, though. You'll constantly be told you are a victim, so that you never have to feel the sympathy that is automatically given to you.
You automatically win a free ride through life, complete with all physical and emotional needs. Congratulations.
No.5540136
>>5540134
>implying that is a woman
No.5540164
>>5540134
why would he suck on pussy when he can fuck her with strong dick.
ficky ficky
No.5540171
>>5540164
He is just prepping her for the bull to take over
No.5540173
>>5540164
Virgin detected.
Eating out girls is fun as fuck, they way they squirm, buck, and get embarrassed is so cute.
No.5541405
No.5544182
No.5545122