OP here.
I wanted to be a big guy for someone very special. As it turns out, the fire isn't rising anymore. I don't want to get into the specifics. That would be extremely painful.
I'm an aspiring weightlifter, writer and lawyer. Whenever I assume one of these personas, I'm in charge. I'm a big guy. Then there's me as the lover. I like this person best. In my opinion, he's the biggest guy of them all. His masterplan is to make the person he loves happy, and if his flightplan listed just him and her, he wouldn't care. He'd happily be in the wreckage if that was necessary to make her happy.
As it turns out, in the plane scene that is my life, he's not in charge. He's not even CIA. He is Dr Pavelheer. Whether the plane crashes or not, he is lost. He is nobodys big guy.