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/otter/ - Otter For Your Soul

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File: d0951a8aa24f269⋯.jpeg (47.03 KB, 750x563, 750:563, seanbaby-5dff9da0-46a8-40….jpeg)


Seanbaby Explains the Universe

Turns out it's gay and retarded.


File: 1d4ee662509bf74⋯.png (862.75 KB, 885x1607, 885:1607, Screenshot_20180705-021737.png)

>Everyone in the world is getting sarcastic. It's not just comedians and dicks anymore. Years ago, sarcasm was reserved for people talking to people stupider than them. Now the stupids are fighting back, and doing it so badly, you can't trust anything people say anymore. Here's a true story that might show you what I mean. I was sitting in a local Starbucks, silently kicking ass with a book, and a man came in asking for a double diet frapacheeny decaf ventie some shit. The guy behind the counter said, "Ooooh… we're out of that."

Man: "Oh. Well then I'll have…"

Starbucks: "Ha ha ha, I was being SARCASTIC. We have [whatever]."

Man: "Okay. I'll take one then."

>After the man left, the people who worked there wiped their sense off on their aprons and called the guy an idiot. An idiot for believing what the coffee kid told him. If believing things that clerks say makes a person an idiot, then that makes every person on the planet an idiot, including me, and that's medically impossible. I was a little confused at the time, but I didn't ask the brilliant kid wiping the counter to explain it to me. On the ride home I realized it was funny because he said he didn't have the thing, but he really did have the thing*. All that man had to do to know it was a joke was sneak in the back to check the shop's inventory, make sure all their machines were working, and get back out as silent as the night. That coffee-ordering man really was an idiot. It proves the theory that the only true geniuses we have left are the people doing inventory at Starbucks.

>*There are variations on this gag. You might pull up to a gas station some day and the attendant will say "Sorry, pal! We're out of gas!" It's a good one. In fact, I might start keeping an empty gas tank in my house just for when I need a good laugh. Not having gas is hilarious! It's killing me! There's still no gas in the tank! Every time I check I laugh!


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>I understand that people at Starbucks or fast food places might just be doing it as a dayjob until their acting career takes off or until their patent finally goes through for Lazer Shoes 2000. When you see them at the bar, they might tell you they're a writer. No. They're a burger flipper with a diary. Let me give you an example from my own life again. Sometimes when I'm driving across town I might scream, "Are you ready to rock, Highway 26?!" and sing a Whitesnake song out the window. And when I get off the highway I'll scream, "How are you feeling out there, Market Street! I was just on 26, and they said they knew how to rock! But Market Street! Market Street knows how to ROCK HARD!!! YeeeAAHHHHH!" I can do that all day. But you know what? When I get to where I'm going, I don't tell people I'm a rock star.

>So if someone at the coffee shop starts to give you shit, don't take it. No matter what you do for a living, chances are you have a better station in life than someone standing next to a milk steamer making drinks that take longer to pronounce than drink. But power struggles with these people can be tricky. All it takes is one grumpy employee with a mouth full of spit to turn you into the bitch. You may wear a tie to work and drive a BMW to financial freedom, but that guy in the apron didn't drink somebody else's spit on his lunchbreak.

>I've figured out how the world got so uncontrollably sarcastic. It's warning labels. Everything we buy is covered in directions and warnings so ridiculous that the only people who could benefit from them have no prayer of actually being able to read them. How can you not be sarcastic when the packaging material in your stereo tells you it's not food? There are things the size of a football that are legally obligated to call themselves choking hazards. I understand babies love to eat matchbox cars, but if something's more than a foot wide, it shouldn't say "CHOKING HAZARD." It should say, "GO AHEAD AND TRY TO EAT THIS, MR. BIGMOUTH"

>Funtastic Fact: The only warning label on the Billy Bass singing fish is "USE PARENTAL SUPERVISION WHEN CHANGING BATTERIES." Of all the products in the world, this thing needs warnings more than anything. For example, "CAUTION: PRODUCT WILL ROB YOU OF ANY SENSE OF PRIDE." or "WARNING: YOUR PURCHASE OF THIS DEVICE HAS FLAGGED YOU AS AN EXPENDABLE CITIZEN IN THE GOVERNMENT'S DE-POPULATION PROGRAM."


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>You didn't really think these singing fish were invented to make us laugh did you? We have shitty senses of humor (see record-breaking opening weekend of Scary Movie), but we're not actually stupid enough to buy thousands of plastic singing fishes are we? That's the question our government asked in a ground-breaking sociological experiment where scientists released the Billy Bass to the public. Its arrival to the market coincided with a letter to the military reading,

"Dear military. I know you must get a lot of mail so thank you for reading this. We are from the other branch of the government that temporarily stopped making toilets that flush themselves to develop singing fish technology. If 2,000,000 of these units are sold, the American public will be officially declared uselessly (perhaps dangerously) stupid, and you can test whatever weapons you want on them. Thank you again. Enclosed: two chocolates & unicorn sticker."

>Funtastic Fact #2: According to Amazon.com customers, the Billy Bass' educational value rates 1.5 out of 5 stars. How does this affect your life? Well, not only are lots of people buying the fish, all of them find it at least a little bit educational. And I'd be very very careful who you talk to about that. Because the person who bought that fish is dangerous. And this buttoned-down oxford cloth psycho might just snap and then stalk from office to office with an Armalite AR-10 carbine-gas-powered semi-automatic weapon… pumping round after round into colleagues and co-workers. This might be someone you've known for years. Someone very… very close to you

>You almost can't pick a product up without laughing out loud. A plastic bag will tell you not to put it in an infant's playpen. A bottle of detergent might tell you not to eat it. Who the fuck thought I was going to eat detergent? "Honey, this makes our glasses spot-free, and I bet it tastes great on a cracker!" Do the plastic bag manufacturers picture us standing around a playpen and deciding whether or not to decorate our babies' cribs with plastic bags?

Wife: "You know, sweetheart, it looks like the baby's crib needs a few more plastic bags."

Husband: "That's right, honey. And if we covered the entire bottom in choking hazard brand plastic bags, we wouldn't have to change the sheets for weeks! We could just tip the crib and let all that time-consuming babymess drain drain! drain!! away from our memories!"

Wife: "All that sheet changing. All that cleaning. How did we ever get by without plastic bag bedding?"

Husband: "Plus, they make a great dental dam to keep those sores of yours off my face!"

>Ridiculous warning labels come from two places: fucking idiots and people pretending to be fucking idiots for the purposes of a lawsuit. If people find out you're intelligent, you're going to have a hard time convincing them that you didn't know it would hurt if you poured hot coffee on yourself. If you say something like that, you better follow it by saying, "UURBLLGGGG," blowing spit bubbles, and shitting in your pants. A non-idiot is never going to tell a room full of people that they ate an odor eater because "the box didn't tell them not to." No, if you managed to get to adulthood, chances are you've figured out what products kill you when you eat them, and what's okay to pour on yourself. It's only a matter of years before we won't even be able to watch TV because the screen will be obstructed by giant words saying, "DO NOT RAM HEAD THROUGH. NOT TO BE TAKEN INTERNALLY."


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>We don't listen to warning labels, and I can prove it. On every pack of cigarettes, it TELLS YOU IT'S GOING TO KILL YOU. This isn't a warning label on a plastic bag that was written by some asshole at the plastic bag factory. The warning on cigarettes comes from the Surgeon General. You can ignore advice from non-surgeons. If your stupid friend tells his girlfriend the key to curing her cold is plenty of rest and giving him head, she'll remind them, "Hey, you're not a doctor!" right before she gives him head. Well the Surgeon General is a doctor. In fact, they're the supreme commander of doctors. If doctors were to start a war against the bowlers or the bird watchers, the Surgeon General would have the biggest hat and stand at the back of the army shouting, "Hold the line, men! Take two of these FISTS and call me in the morning!" Read the pack of cigarettes. If the Surgeon General tells you something might kill you and give your future kids extra toes and eyes, listen to him. Do you need a warning from the Surgeon Jesus before you start taking advice?

>And trust me, if the world isn't listening to life-or-death advice from the Surgeon General, they're going to ignore the shit out of the fine print on a plastic bag. In fact, if through some tragic accident you end up looking through a Skymall catalog, people are selling plastic bags that you wear over your head. For fire safety. Because the best way to deal with a fiery death is to distract yourself with a smaller, stupider crisis.

>The non-smoking commercials are actually funded by the company that makes cigarettes. It's like they're taunting us. Are they flash-framing subliminal messages at us? How can half the country smoke when the only thing on my TV is lists of tobacco death statistics. We know more about what cigarette does to the human body than than anyone knows about anything else. Unless you count my knowledge of Wonder Woman's breasts, and you don't.

>They have to be mocking us. One of the commercials actually says "Tobacco is Wacko (if you're a teen)." That's the kind of shit you'd hear from a person in a fucking puppy costume. That's the kind of campaign that can get non-smokers called fags in their schools. Did the mormons decide to take over on the anti-smoking ads for a week or something? I know they did a great job spreading that crazy religion around the country, but getting cigarettes out of kids mouths is a lot harder than getting people to go to church. Church is seductive; you get everlasting life and those lenghty painful medical procedures are reduced to getting slapped in the head by a man on a stage. Convincing a kid to not smoke is a harder kind of mind control. You remember the mind control used on us that made us all lay down and cover our heads every day at 4:00? Of course you don't. Because the Russians don't want you to.

>People claimed Joe Camel marketed tobacco to kids. Bullshit. Think of all the forest fires that got started just to piss Smokey the Bear off. Kids hate you. They hate your irrational bitchy asses. Nicotine barely makes you high. You can smoke 50 cigarettes, and still get about as high as you would if you held your breath for half a minute. So they're not doing it to get high, and the fact that most of us are still sane after the Super Friends and the Banana Splits proves that kids don't base their lives on what cartoon animals say. Fuck Joe Camel. They're doing it because they know that if their lobbying parents are trying to get rid of something, it must kick ass. Remember video games, sex, alcohol, not being somebody, drugs, and fire hazards? Of course you don't. Because the Russians don't want you to.

>Cigarettes give you black lungs, shortness of breath, yellow teeth, your clothes smell like something you spilled on the stove, and then you die coughing forty years before your friends. The Surgeon General or a man in a puppy suit might have mentioned all that. But what they didn't mention was that cigarettes give your hands something to do when you're in a bar. People who don't smoke nervously fidget their hands around all night. Biology did what it could; it gave women breasts so man would have something to grab onto instead of fidgeting. This groping helps keep them from taking up smoking. So next time you're in a bar and a woman gets mad at you for pawing her chest, tell her to shut up. You're saving lives.


File: c7ff46001f77a98⋯.jpg (329.28 KB, 803x1711, 803:1711, IMG_20180705_024150_077.jpg)


>Suing someone for spilling hot coffee on yourself makes you money. But it's sort of admitting to the world that you're such a retard you can't be responsible for your own actions. You know, in addition to being greedy, helplessly stupid, and dangerously clumsy. Of course, most people respond to lawsuits like that by saying, "They won't think you're such an idiot when you have A MILLION DOLLARS!" Yeah… no one hates rich people. But think about this: if you would really sell your pride and respect for money, why aren't you doing it right now? If you want money, take a shit in your hand and eat it. There are travelling freak shows that are always looking for people that can do stuff like that. Have you seen the Tom Green show? He may not be a genius, but he was smart enough to know that if he makes himself look like a big enough moron, people will pay him for it. (See Lizard Man sidebar to learn more)

>There are other reasons everyone's turning sarcastic. Have you ever had a friend who gives you obvious advice? You'll be over at their house putting their pets in the microwave, and he'll say "Hey, if you need to use my microwave, hit the amount of time you want to cook the thing, and then hit start." You'll probably say, "Duh" or "No shit, Captain Microwave Handbook," but you shouldn't be mad at your friend. Eighty percent of the people they or you run into need help with things like microwaves and what's okay to rub into your skin. We've been breeding stupid people for generations. They're notoriously fertile [the stupid]. If you meet someone with 10 siblings, their family stories inevitably involve government assistance, parole, drunk driving, and a brother or two that sell pages torn out of porno magazines outside the middle school. The non-stupid have a tendency to have babies on purpose and at planned intervals, and it's raising the ratio of imbeciles to regulars to astonishing levels.

>Let's assume only half the people on the planet were stupid at one time. The nonstupid married, then had a kid or two, raised them like Dr. Spock told them to, and worked hard to put them through college. In contrast, the stupids had a kid or two, then got married, had a few more kids, found out about a couple more on a TV talk show, and worked hard to save money to hit the lottery to put their kids through a plate glass window after they got fired from the cannery.

>In a few generations, the nonstupid will have been bred to extinction. So don't blame your friend for giving you obvious advice. The guy he had over yesterday didn't know how the soap dispenser worked, had to chew it open with his teeth, and knocked himself out because you never told him there was no diving in the bathtub. Everyone wants to get treated like they're a genius, but the fact is, we can't afford the risk. You might look smart enough to hide the rat poison from your children, but there are others who are smart enough to know that if you don't get specific instructions for everything you do, it can cost them hundreds of millions of dollars when your kid makes a pesticide milkshake.


YouTube embed. Click thumbnail to play.

This video is from nearly 10



Years ago at this point

It makes me sad because it predicted SO MUCH of the whole let's play industry. But still manages to be funnier than most everything since.

You will also notice that Seanbaby, even with sjw xd hair, is more of a chad than than the most groomed, poised and confident twitch streamers of today.

There's no need to cry about this though, unless it's tears of joy and laughtrauma.


YouTube embed. Click thumbnail to play.

is this guy known in the gamer community?

>last system i bought was wiiU

<i never played on line


File: 03ce396eb70ec93⋯.jpg (205.18 KB, 600x887, 600:887, seanbaby-comics-5.jpg)

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Maybe by some older people. Almost all the ecelebs who've managed to carve out a niche early on YT certainly knew of him. The "channel awesome" guys and AVGN for sure. Seanbaby was a part of the whole "old man Murray" and "stileproject" nexus of talent that shaped modern internet lols and then were mostly discarded.

Seanbaby to his credit never seemed to care much about fame, was always too busy living life which included: thaiboxing, training to become a stuntman, making his own games and partying hard.


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He was an early purveyor of butthurt proto-sjws. One project he came up with that took the web by storm was simply "Fat Chicks In Party Hats" where he tracked down pictures of fat chick, a few in party hats, then had a Mexican named "Miguel" make hilarious captions in broken English. As simple as this sounds it led to one particularly fat chick to angrily remove her party hat and put on her less fun fat lawyer hat to sue Miguel and Seanbaby for…? I guess having the site at all?

He also got the same treatment from a guy he mocked for being a Nintendo autist. This was a man who mailed in letters to Nintendo Power to brag about being a cool guy who gets sex every other week, holds down a job and still finds time to game hard. He was 32 when he mailed in that letter to NP in the late 80's. Wrap your brain around that for a moment.




File: 81206152a3626b9⋯.gif (29.4 KB, 564x480, 47:40, fagsean.gif)

One of the weirder twists of fate is Seanbaby working for Cracked. Initially a MAD magazine rip off, it made a somewhat successful jump to the internet, pioneering the "10 things you never knew about something stupid!" genre. They also started throwing money at Sean to do whatever he wanted.

Somewhere along the way Cracked went full leftarded and stopped being funny all together, instead deciding that getting upset at white males and their white male thoughts would reap riches beyond their wildest dreams. They were wrong, but must have blown some powerful cocks because they're still around. Seanbaby's stuff seems to fly in the face of their current ethic (mostly by still being funny) but maybe he gets away with it because he's… compromised by the velvet mafia? He isn't actually, I just wanted an excuse to post this



File: d3605dc2dcf316c⋯.jpg (50.2 KB, 815x793, 815:793, d3605dc2dcf316cc826cd1af07….jpg)


fatchicksinpartyhats.com was great, thanks for bringing back those memories


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fagsean is not a fag?


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Debatable. He does/did live in San Fagsisco.


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Still somehow less upsetting than the '33 and '49 Alice in Wonderland.


File: f8811551b58a0c5⋯.jpeg (75.64 KB, 655x509, 655:509, FC283A79-4F61-401B-91FD-2….jpeg)


what a fucking nightmare

>cant unsee or unlearn at this point


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Here's some on topic eye-rinse.


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will whiskey ever get the girl?


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The only satisfying answer lies at the bottom of the bottle. The answer is that you use the empty bottle as a type of liquorscope until you spot something feminine enough to overpower


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i can almost taste it


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