And times got harder. Eventually my family and I were homeless, we had to stay with my grandparents for some months. When we did move out it was to an effeciency apartment, which is basically the size of an average bedroom. Kitchen, bathroom, and bedroom all in one small spot. 4 people had to live there. I stayed there for about a year. My bed was in the closet, luckily I was small enough to fit. I had prayed to be saved from this life. I asked God many times to deliver me from this. After a while, he did. Someone had robbed my mom and her boyfriend while I was at school (Freshman in high school), and the police took me and my drugged up mom to some police place downtown. They knew something was up with my mom, and began questioning me about it. I knew I had to seize this moment, and I told them everything up until them. I was taken by CPS and placed in my grandparent's custody. I was out, finally. God had listened.
Unfortunately after I was taken away I drifted further from God. I didn't go to church anymore. I didn't see that friend much. I didn't go to Royal Rangers, and I didn't go to FCF. My connection to all that was through my friend and his dad. My life itself was better, at the very least. Eventually, after a long time, my mom got her act together. Some time after that I began living with her again, since we never really "lived" together in the first place. Here I am now. 23, live with my mom and brother, and numb.
I can't feel anything, or rather the only thing I can feel is anger, hate, contempt, anything negative. My life for the past 4 years maybe has been: go to work, play games, sleep, repeat. That's all I do. I feel empty, like there is nothing for me. My grandpa died on October 16th, 2016. He was a huge father figure for me. At his funeral I cried, but when I look back at it and remember him I feel nothing. I understand that I should feel sad, but I cannot. The same goes for my mom, or brother. I know I should love them, but I cannot feel that. It doesn't help that I'm a fucking degenerate with a lot of fetishes. I feel so alone. I don't even know why I'm posting here, or why I've recently started thinking about Royal Rangers or God in general. I can't trust anyone but myself. I just don't know what to do. I'm scared.