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/christian/ - Christian Discussion and Fellowship

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
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The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?

File: 836cbe3de7effbe⋯.png (139.44 KB, 394x360, 197:180, 1534023933759.png)

b95891  No.700722

>snapped at age 11 and became anti social when dad died and from being bullied by all my class

>bullied by class again in highschool (UK)

>see a school counciller for like a month and then dismisses me

>mum didnt want to pick me up from support group for dead parents after school so had to stop attending those

>be bullied by girls

>found reddit and became athiest. Started watching porn.

>be 12 and bullied on school trip to germany

>be bullied on school bus

>be bullied by friends (i did bully my friends too)

>had social anxiety, low self esteem, depression, suicidal thoughs daily and constantly.

>found solace in r9k, porn and anime for obvious reasons. Live a degenerate lifestyle. Masturbate as much as I could. At least twice a day.

>in year 11, all these people i've grown up with for the last 4 years want to be my friend. Completely ignoring what they've done to me. Don't want to do drugs or party or hang out with the normies. My social skills were non existent anyway.

>2 months from leaving i snap in year 11 (aged 16). Be a nihilist. Tell everyone I'm a pedo, that I watch so and so, beastiality, scat, rape, incest. Told a group of girls who asked me if I would rape my mother that I would.

>get in trouble for it. I admit I said it all. I deny that I do watch illegal porn (later found out that I can't do that from google)

> Get an isolation for it (spend a couple of days in a room away from your class).

>teachers act disgusted by me like im a roach (this is a catholic school btw). Threaten to call police.

>they didn't.

>three friends stuck by me because they knew that I wasn't a pedo and just a weirdo. Still friends to this day (3 years later)

Fast foreward today

>converted to catholicism one year later after I went to the lowest of low and thought about turning gay and cross dressing to feel loved and whoring myself out. I cried out to God to save me and ever since then gradually I've been lead to christ.

>unable to make new friends since word travels

>been bullied out of sixth form

>been badly treated by strangers

>priest won't even look me in the eye

>priest refused to shake my hand once.

>a woman refuses to shake my hand in church when we are doing a sign of peace

>reported myself to the police twice in one day and told them that I need to be arrested and I'm a danger to children because I believed that everyone thought I had raped someone when in reality I have no and never had sexual attraction to children nor have I ever abused anyone in my life. I'm a khv. They said I never watched cheese pizza and they weren't notified of what I said in hs. They chalked it up to what I did as a cry for help and what I'm doing now as a cry for help. I genuinely wanted to go to prison because I thought I was a monster. This was right after being bullied out of sixth form by the teachers and students. But since it's my word against theirs and I had just revealed myself to be experiencing an episode i guess they couldnt do anything. I had a mental breakdown.

>never wanted to killmyself because catholic until recently when I realised now that I'm in a new college, the rumours going to reach here.

There's this girl that likes me. It's going to happen again. I can't move away and I was on meds for a while but i wanted off them since they stopped working and it doesn't change the reality that people think I've done horrendous things. I only found out what people thought of me 5 months ago and I reported myself when my mum sent me to the psycharatrist. In sixth form they pretended to be my friend but then bullied me. Also, I think it happened on good friday because one of the girls who was in on the conspiracy against me asked me what day it was and I was confused and then she rebuked me at how I didn't know what day it was even though i was a practicing catholic.

9dc685  No.700727

It just sounds like you are a retard. I hope you take that as a compliment.


7f80c2  No.700728

>>700722

Sell all your possessions and take up your cross.


149ad2  No.700730

>>700722

Stop making duplicate threads and I am sure things will get better.


c7c3b1  No.700761

Talk to an exorcist or a priest about exorcism. Compulsive self-harm can be a sign of demonic influence.


b95891  No.700783

>>700730

Sorry I didn't know it posted so I tried again.


f51de9  No.700789

>>700722

Take up boxing.


c87ca7  No.700812

File: dbe32b5e8dd32be⋯.jpg (312.38 KB, 1350x2250, 3:5, 1536787953.jpg)

>>700722

If it makes you feel any better, OP, they did not break the mould after they made you. Your story is intensely familiar and all the direct result of systemic failures by probably pretty-much everyone.

I'm sorry you've had to suffer as badly in this life as you have. But remember this: Christ suffered the same rejection first. Different reasons, of course. You need to embrace a holy life more dedicatedly. Head people off at the pass: your new priest on campus (exists?), tell him your sorryful tale if he is a sympathetic type, emphasising that rumours aint for shit.

Don't worry about the girl. Concentrate on all things of God. If she hears things and runs, that's God sparing you from further harm.

SEEK FIRST THE KINGDOM OF GOD …


542dd7  No.700814

>>700722

>Am I a bad person?

>>converted to catholicism

Yes. Didn't read the rest, sorry.


11f6db  No.700837

>>700722

>Am I a bad person

No, just troubled. Try finding a new priest and telling them the whole story.


03bcef  No.700847

>>700722

Read the entire story. I feel for you anon. What kind of pathological and chronic and sadistic vengeful clinging does a person have to possess to rumourmonger and hound another from late childhood unto almost adulthood and possibly into it.

Then again. Monster are not born, they are made by men to be slain by men so he can claim glory and boast that he is righteous. Don't be a monster, seek professional help if you need it. Get /fit/ both physically and spiritually, become stronger. To the point that even if they will hound you into adulthood you will have the courage and strength to tell them to winnie the pooh off and stop being such a prick and turn it around. For goodness' sake, proper adults drop this school-yard bully/social bully shit like in the freshmen year.

Sorry, I cannot help you more than offering advice. But I will pray for you. And know that you have sanctuary here.


f370e9  No.700849

>>700722

>priest won't even look me in the eye

>priest refused to shake my hand once.

he's probably just disappointed that you gave up on the homo stuff


b95891  No.700853

>>700789

I did and they were a bit too rough on me haha

>>700727

>>700812

>>700837

>>700849

Thank you for understanding me. On tuesday I did experience paranoia and was going to cut class and drop out of college because I thought everyone thought I was a monster. I spent my lunch at the bus station waiting for the bus and then it when it was supposed to come it said it was half an hour late so I went back to class and got there 15m late. Then the class acted nice to me as they must have thought I was just shy. So it made me realise it was all in my head. But this is a reccuring thing. I'm going to complete college now and try to make friends.


936ee2  No.700874

>>700722

You're looking for safety in religion and not Jesus Christ. You don't need the fear of man, fear naught but God. Seek Jesus Christ, not religious institutions, including (no offense guys) a place like this where advice comes from religiosity rather than exactly what the Holy Bible tells you.


936ee2  No.700875

>>700722

Get peace as well. Start today. What are you doing that's keeping you in bondage? Shelter and power. You are a Child of God if you've given your heart to our Lord and Saviour, don't let the enemy tell you otherwise.

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/firefall-talk-radio/2017/10/26/the-porch--peace-be-still


62ed52  No.700915

>>700722

The beginning of your story is similar to mine, thank God I had no internet at that age. My father died, I was bullied and I turned violent, started several fights in school.

To think that if I had porn I would be way more winnie the poohed up than I am currently.

Ok let's do this.

You probably believe a lot of BS about yourself and the world around you, start by not trusting your thoughts. When the usual chat in your mind starts don't argue with it but think of hymns about God, praise the Lord, elevate your soul.

Your social skill as not as retarded as you think, your thoughts are retarded, the things you do when you try to control the outcome or give in to anxiety are retarded. It's not that difficult to be a normal person, everyone has the basic skill, just stop overthinking it and trying clever workaraound that backfires horribly.

Someone don't want to shake your hand? Who cares? Don't overthink it, just let it go. Don't make it a bigger deal in your head.

It doesn't matter what people think about you, it only matters what YOU think about yourself and what God thinks of you. Now, we know God is infinitely good and merciful, so if you repent he is going to forgive you but can you forgive yourself? Or, can you accept God's forgivance?

Plenty of people, myself included, hate parts of themselves so much they don't really believe in God's forgivance, they think they are not worthy and that God would never forgive them. While it's true that we are not worthy God's mercy is unlimited, far above our own understanding of forgivance.

Let's start from here. You say "It's going to happen again"

Again, stop being burdened by the old man and what he did. You converted and accepted Jesus, let the new man be born.

"Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you" (Psalm 55) "For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light" (Matthew 11:30)

Don't overthink, don't follow your irrational thoughts, don't act as if you expecy everyone to think you are disgusting, approach every social situation with a simple heart.

Have trust in God and leave your heavy burden behind.


4a621c  No.700963

>>700814

Hi Luther


4a621c  No.700964

>>700722

>find a new priest (try parish next to you)

>go to confession if you haven't before.

>apologise to everyone you've harmed.

>if you winnie the poohed up your reputation in the secular world monasteries are waiting for you.

Good luck anon. May God help you.


4a621c  No.700965

Btw OP when you larped as a pedo, raper etc you were still a teenager so no one will give a winnie the pooh about that outside your family and close one's but even them will forget that in one or two years once they find out you grew up.


7f80c2  No.701043

>>700874

>I love Jesus but hate religion xD


b95891  No.701166

>>700915

Thank you, finally someone who's been through something similar.

I am not violent. So all the anger and frustration I expressed toward girls because all my friends were girls and they bullied me multiple times.

I started a new college (my 4th further education institute) recently and I've wanted to drop out because I was angry and frustrated about how poor my social skills were. It's as if I have this mental block that makes me want to run and hide in the bathroom stall. For instance, today all my class was in a lounge area at lunch and I had just come out of the bathroom. I sat down then immediatley got up and went to the bathroom again because I cringed at the thought of socialising with them. Yeah they may not think i'm a creep yet, but I cringe at making friends, especially with females. And a girl was there who likes me and has made is explicitly clear by calling me cute in class and smiling at me. And if she didn't like me she'd be leading me on. I'm maturer than I was in highschool and I want to settle down but even without the thoughts there, there is somekind of repulsion within me. This has happened over and over since highschool. Now it's not funny. I'll go celibate if that's what God wants me to be gladly but I can't keep going on where a girl expresses a like towards me and I cannot physically respond. All I can do is look, as if I'm trapped in my own body. I'm done with it. If she isn't the one then I'll live the celibate lifestyle.

I can't live the rest of my life like this. I get angry at the thought of being friendly with a girl.


3e6af6  No.701170

>>700722

Sell your possessions and start a new clean life in some eastern European country like Lithuania for example


c0bd64  No.701787

>>701166

>I was angry and frustrated about how poor my social skills were. It's as if I have this mental block that makes me want to run and hide in the bathroom stall.

See this is what I said. Your social skills are not poor, it's that you don't use them. This mental block makes you act in a cringy way, gives you bad ideas, maybe it freeze you, demotivates, make you angry.

I'm sure your social skills do not make you hyde in the bathroom with people you are comfortable with.

So, first of all remember this: it's not the social skills, it's this cringy autopilot you have.

>I'll go celibate if that's what God wants me to be gladly but I can't keep going on where a girl expresses a like towards me and I cannot physically respond.

People who go celibate wills it. I don't think this is a call to celibacy if a girl likes you and you want to go celibate because there is something that makes you unable to interact with her against your will. I'm not saying you don't have a call but I don't think it would manifest itself by making you incapable of interacting with the opposite sex.

Now the big deal, you say you feel some kind of repulsion at making friends, especially with girls.

I may be wrong but I think this is about you not accepting something in yourself. Not forgiving something in yourself. As if you can't accept the idea some people can like you as a friend or love you. As if you think someone who like you must be wrong.

Or it could be an emotional scar that happen when you lose someone you love that made you scared of caring about someone. This is my case, I feel an instinctive repulsion when talking about feelings (even now while I'm writing), I don't like to display affection with words or actions, ever since my Father died I constantly have horrible thoughts about losing other people in my family.

This kind of issues are very difficult to heal, because they are often based on something inconscious.

They heal through behaviour, not through thinking, so it's going to be slow and hard. I'm also walking this path, I'm 27 and you have more time than me to work on this.

What can you do? You need to build trust with people, to get involved in a community, to learn to accept others and be accepted by them.

A community is a gym, a group of people you share an hobby with and also your college social groups. But above I mean a religious community like a church or a youth catholic group.

You don't need to force yourself into a group you don't like, but when you find one that you enjoy you will need to resist your avoidant thoughts and stick with it.

Since you will have many difficulties and contradictory thoughts and feelings about this, it would greatly help you to have someone you can talk to and who can give you advice and encouragment about it. A spiritual father, more than a simple confessor, is needed.

I also think therapy would greatly benefit you, just avoid freudian BS, maybe ask your church to recommend a therapist if they know one. I recommend Cognitive behavioural therapy.


b95891  No.702184

>>701787

God bless you anon. I will go right now and pray a rosary for you. That is what my friend said: that I believe I don't deserve someone who could love me. I spent my formulative years ( 13- 16/17) on R9k. Thank God you are here. What I learned at Church today (it's sunday) is that we all suffer and God will reward us for what we endured at the end. Right now, my priest said, the more we suffer, the less wickedness is in the world.

Thank you for sharing your feelings. Becoming Catholic was the best thing that ever happened to me. I spent my highschool years bottled up and people had no idea what was going on. I just didn't think people cared. But I have to be honest. And a youth catholic group is a good idea. I just hope I can find one. And a therapist makes sense too.


0b6a53  No.702430

>>702184

My prayers are not much but I will remember about you and pray for you to find a good community.

I don't browse here every day, but I will check from time to time to see if I can be of help in the future, if you have others doubts. Don't disappear.


b95891  No.702876

>>702430

I have a large chip on my shoulder and I cannot and do not want to get rid of it. I don't direct it at anyone particular but society in general. Especially girls. I just can't shake it.

Do you have grudge also? Against society?


d82bbc  No.702909

>>702876

>Do you have grudge also? Against society?

Only superficially. It's very common to direct anger outward when we feel something is wrong.

While I do believe society is upside down and really makes the situation of people like me or you worse, I don't think it's the main source of my state. The same can be said for parenting.

No, I think my unresolved issue are mainly about myself and my relationship with others.


b95891  No.703384

>>702909

Hey I realised I couldn't pretend I didn't have a problem anymore and decided to get help. I took psychosis meds for 2 weeks before and stopped them stupidly (i was suspicious of course) but I've realised I need help and need to get back on the meds. So I'm seeing my GP.

Thank God. I have psychosis and i hate myself for it. Since I was 11-13 I've had delusions.

Thank you for being there for me. I prayed and prayed today while I was out skipping class because of the social anxiety and delusions that I was happening. I came back to college and looked up the symptons of psychosis and I had just cut contact with my friends and was with my brother overseas and planning on retreating into my room. I had also canceled and froze my videogame rental sub and movie rental sub.

I feel alone.


f72d86  No.703531

>>703384

>I feel alone.

As I said, community is of primary importance. Religious community first of all, but also college, gym and friends.

It's also very important that you have guidance, both spiritual and psychological. Be in touch with an expert who can oversee your treament with meds and lead you to overcome social anxiety one small step at the time.


b95891  No.703702

>>703531

I keep reading that you need a spirtual director. But how do I get one? Who would be my spiritual director? Is everyone required to get one? And I've been referred to a psychariatist.

Thank you for speaking to me.


f51de9  No.703705

>>700853

Take up football/soccer.


b95891  No.704101

Well it turns out I most likely have anxiety and OCD. Going to an assessment soon. Just to keep you updated. It will be treated with CBT.


eb54e1  No.704114

Hope things get better for you anon. Ill pray for you tonight

John 15:18 If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first.


5773c2  No.704380

>>703702

>I keep reading that you need a spirtual director. But how do I get one? Who would be my spiritual director?

Search for a good priest, confess, if he understands you and his advice is helpful then you found a spiritual director. Tell him you would like to speak with him again and confess often. A spiritual director is a priest that knows who you are and can keep track of your religious and personal life and help you.

Often monasteries have the more gifted spiritual directors, you can go for a retreat for a few days, pray with them, spend times with the monks, help them in their daily works and then ask who can you confess to. For western monasticism I recommend Benedictines, the oldest order.

(it's still me, replying)


efde92  No.704404

>>700722

"am I a bad person?"

dumb question, OP. Read the Bible "none are righteous, no, not one"


b95891  No.704516

>>704380

ah then I had one but he moved to a different church. I confessed last weekend and it was with a new priest and was a bit taken back when he asked me how old I was and if I was married because I took for granted my priest knowing me just by my past confessions.

thanks




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