/cow/ - Lolcows

Shared this one on one of the older incarnations, but figure I'll post it again for the newer members to laugh at.

Back when I was in the Army, we had this insufferable juggalo bastard in our unit. Typical overweight, obnoxious ICP fan. When we deployed to Afghanistan, he stayed at home due to not being in any way ready for going overseas.

A few months into the deployment, we found out that he'd gotten into trouble for using his government travel card to buy a bunch of games at GameStop and a bunch of other useless shit at Wal-Mart. Instead of learning his lesson, though, he managed to fuck up even more.

Seems his gf got tired of his shenanigans and tried to leave him, so the fat fuck actually sat on her to prevent her from leaving the house. Ended up facing unlawful criminal confinement charges and eventually got kicked out of the Army.

Another one happened while I was in basic. On our first field training exercise, we had a couple of white trash motherfuckers who were throwing rocks in the dark. One of them managed to hit the other one in the mouth, splitting his lip open.

The two ended up getting sent back to the barracks, with Mr. split lip getting a prescription for hydrocodone. ( Army doctors love prescribing dope) It surprised no one when the two chuckleheads ground the pills up and snorted them, leading to them running screaming through the halls in the middle of the night.

They got caught, freaked out, and ended up on suicide watch for several weeks while the higher ups decided what to do with them. Glad they weren't in my platoon, as someone from their platoon had to watch them 24/7 during this time.

>>204391

This reminds me of the JROTC kids that went to my High School. Pretty much everyone that actually took it seriously and weren't just doing it cuz they needed the PE credits were gigantic autists, hicks, or a combination of both.

I fear the fact that people like this will end up in America's Army of all places. I'd never think there would be total autists in the army.

>>204382

Take your Kiwi Farms shit thread back to the Farms and never come back here

Too lazy to really type this out so I'll just greentext it:

>middle school

>high functioning autistic kid named Christian there

>Christian was obsessed with Jim Carrey and dinosaurs

>In 6th grade he'd use crayons to draw on small rocks to recreate the stones from that 4kids show Dinosaur King

>Christian was always really to piss off, a ton of people liked to fuck with him

>this could be done as easily as saying something like "jim carrey's a gaywad"

>Christian often had cartoonish mannerisms, from what i can only presume is from a combination of autism and years of jim carrey movies

>his nickname from other kids has always been "mclovin" cuz he looked kinda like that character from superbad

>he hated being called this for some reason, would always get pissed

>he went on rants multiple times on how he wished that movie was never made because then he wouldn't be called mclovin

>7th grade

>Christian's in homeroom with me daily

>we not only have him, but this sassy white trash girl

>they have several feuds with each other, christian getting pissed off at her over trivial shit, and the chick getting mad at him for sperging out at her

>christian's also a big fan of the muppets

>some guy in the class is known for some weird dance he does where his legs go all floppy, known as "the muppet man"

>christian wants to be known as the muppet man

>the two organize a danceoff in homeroom

>they are supposed to do a danceoff to the opening of "the muppet show"

>"the muppet man" does his funky floppy-legs dance to the song

>now it's christian's turn

>he goes up there and tries to do these weird lip-syncs to the song while making ridiculous jim carrey-style facial expressions

>it's absolutely comical, i have to hold back laughing

>the original "muppet man" ends up being unanimously chosen as the winner

>christian is not happy

>later in 7th grade

>christian tries to make his own youtube series

>calls it "speechless steve", because his camera has no audio recording on it

>videos are done with him wearing a fake mustache, making weird jim carrey style expressions

>camera quality is terrible

>the videos honestly reminded me of mr noodle from sesame street- i think it's just the mustache

>christian keeps shamelessly plugging his youtube channel

>some of our classmates go shitpost in the comments section on his vids

>also obsessed with jim carrey's depiction of the riddler

>wears green a lot because of this

>>204406

>8th grade

>shit really picks up here, me and one of my friends decide to fuck with him

>friend is convinced that christian has piss stains on a bunch of his t shirts

>christian is, fittingly, a Christian

>he hates gays

>my friend acts like a flaming homo to him whenever the two are in class, pretends he's in love with him or something

>christian would allegedly make a cross with his fingers, shove it out, and go "evil, evil, evil!"

>one of my most distinct memories from 8th grade is how Christian would act when it was time for lunch

>he'd always be on his feet the period before lunch and RUN to the lunchline as soon as the bell went off

>he'd always try to cut in line and stuff to ensure he'd get his pizza

>sometimes he'd get caught by a teacher and get sent to the back of the line

>unsurprisingly, he'd grumble like mad, maximum salt

>both me and christian would have the second lunch period of the day

>this means the cafeteria ladies would often have extra food to get rid of, meaning we'd get seconds a lot

>basically every day that we'd get seconds on pizza, christian would frantically raise his hand and shake it around

>the janitors handing it out would often refuse to give christian extra pizza cuz he'd always act like a complete animal over it

>whenever this happened, christian would loudly bang his head on the table in rage

>the janitors would sometimes make him clean the tables for chimping out like this- most of the kids who behaved badly at lunch would be punished by having to help the janitors wipe the tables

>he'd always protest and yell about how "THIS IS CHILD LABOR!"

>one day at lunch they're serving meatball subs

>cue christian's running to lunch line, etc

>cuts in line, gets caught by teacher

>sent to back of line, pretty mad

>line's still going by the time i sit down in the lunchroom

>meatball sub line begins to peter out, i guess they ran out

>hear a loud scream from outside of the lunchroom

>christian also loved to use the computers for imdb and flash games

>he'd always turn the screen like 90 degrees to the side whenever he'd use the computer

>people always thought he was watching porn or something

>he'd always get really pissy when people would try to see what he was doing

>one day the librarian asks him to move the monitor back to normal, thinks he's doing things he shouldn't be doing on the school computers

>christian refuses and freaks out

>librarian moves the screen back

>christian is losing his shit

>it's only a mundane flash game on the screen

>my friend suspects christian has a foot fetish

>this is because one day the assistant principal confronts christian

>he says some girl was being told by christian to show him her feet

>christian's all like "NO, THAT'S DISGUSTING! I'D NEVER DO THAT!"

>assistant principal says they have security footage, and it was a tall guy in a green jacket that looked just like him

>misc details

>christian would do cwc-tier cosplays during "spirit week" at the school

>construction paper, random clothes from his closet, just like the cwc cosplay vids

>whenever he would get really mad he'd start hitting his head and moaning "headache, headache, headache"

>>204396

I joined in 2006 with 2 wars going on, so it stands to reason that standards were relaxed a bit. I'd hope they wouldn't let quite as many spergs in now as they did then. Of course, they let trannies in now…

>>204449

As a person who is fresh out of high school, I can guarantee that JROTC is still filled with spergs. But we can only hope they don't actually end up in the army.

>>204548

Turned 18 last year as well, and where I'm from most are nogs or white trash too dumb for tertiary education.

Remembered a couple more earlier today.

There was this dude I went to AIT with who we called Gerbil Boy due to his resemblance to a large rodent. Kid brought all his Naruto cosplay shit out to Arizona with him. He ended up hooking up with some psycho chick from Alabama.

At my unit, there was this guy who managed to get both the clap and chlamydia from banging some Navy slut while out of town on training. After visiting the Army Dr. and having to swab himself, he went right back and fucked her again. After he got home, he kept having to get into fights with his gf so she wouldn't have sex with him until the infections cleared up.

Last one is a chick from another unit I had to work with in Afghanistan. She was 24 years old and had a car, but couldn't drive it as she had no license. She had several DVD binders full of Disney movies and every incarnation of the Power Rangers there was. She rarely showered and smelled dreadful. Incidentally, the chick they assigned her to room with was a total whore. I shudder to think how bad that room must have smelled.

>>204382

I live in a little forgot beach town and everyone in town knows of the escapades of a retarded faggot named Phoenix.

I call him a retard but he technically didn't have a mental issue other than some mild manor ADD, he was in special ed for his last 4 years of schooling, mainly because he didn't do anything in class and would disrupt shit.

Around freshman year he got super into anime, mainly the most "kawaii desu moe moe" shit you could think of. One day he was sitting in the art room (my usual hangout room) reading some manga for like 20 minutes, I had to tell him he was reading it the wrong way to which he replied "still made sense".

The kid stunk like shit, he never seemed to shower even though he would always dye his hair different watered down colors. A friend of mine lent a pencil to him once, when he got it back it had a thin layer of some green shit (might have actually been shit).

My favorite story with him happened at the winter formal, where he was bumped by one of the football players. Instead of acting like a reasonable person he ended up punching him in the face like it was his first day in prison. The football player was a literal wall of meat, about 6 and a half feet tall. I've heard on multiple accounts that the football player picked phoenix up by his goddamn face and repeatedly slammed it into the wooden stage. When phoenix was freed he ran and cried under the bleachers, where a bunch of stoners poured soda on his head. Phoenix got 2 weeks detention for starting the fight, the football player got banned from the next dance he didn't even want to go to.

>>204970

Pheonix started cross dressing around his sophomore year. He started hanging around the drama department after school trying to get someone to iron his disgusting wigs he'd keep in his backpack. Eventually he got banned from the drama room all together because he was counter productive to pretty much everything they were doing.

To my knowledge Phoenix was the first furry in the school, but he wasn't the last. He had an almost Charles Manson like way of convincing awkward freshman do what he wanted. Withing two weeks there was a horde of little furries running around with cat ears and tails from the local Hot Topic. It became a game with some of the more asshole students at who could "poach" the most tails at the end of the day. They ended up throwing them in the dumpster and that shit ended after a week of that. I'm guessing all the little shits ran out of allowance for them.

Junior year I went to a vocational school for graphic design (yeah, I know. It's retarded) and like a disease, Phoenix followed me. While at the vocational school he went from a cooking student to a trash man within 2 trimesters because he couldn't clean his knives correctly.

Junior year I was walking through the halls with a 7/10 qt, when phoenix jumped out of nowhere with his 2 autsy henchmen.

"Hey, you're a cute girl, do I look like Velma Dinkley?"

"Uh…..yeah?"

The three of them started laughing like retards and disappeared as fast as they appeared. I'm still not completely sure it happened.

Phoenix came out senior year as a full transvestite. He started wearing the female uniform with his shitty wigs until the administrators told him to stop. He left the school and ended up getting some sort of GED, he has a shitty let's play channel (not gonna link it) now and still hangs out around the high school to taint the impressionable young autists.

The amazing thing is that I've talked around town with multiple people all with different ages and they all have a Phoenix story. He's a legend for all the wrong reasons and everyone loves to hate him.

>>204382

Great story, OP.

>He stuck his head in the bowl, took a big whiff, pulled his head back and gagged, and then he gasped loudly and ran out of the bathroom screaming.

How did he reconcile this with his beliefs about vegan shit?

>>204599

>After he got home, he kept having to get into fights with his gf so she wouldn't have sex with him until the infections cleared up.

I can't decide if that's incredibly stupid or brilliant.

>>204987

He tried to wave it off by saying some filthy carnist must have stunk up the bowl before he got to it.

>>204997

You know what would have been brilliant? Not having sex with a hooker when you're already dating.

Let me tell you about Moritz. Moritz was a kid in my school, a school filled with dicks. Looking back, it was kind of fucked up. The bullying was never especially cruel, no one committed any really hard crimes, but we have seen theft, we have seen one crazy kid bring a cudgel there, that kind of stuff.

Moritz was two things: One, an antisocial asshole that constantly got into fights. Two, hands down the worst fighter I have ever seen. Fighting against him was like the practice mode in fighting games. No matter what crazy shit you pulled, it worked.

He once called a Turkish kid a son of a bitch. Even the nicest, most civilized Turks will chimp out and honor kill you and your family if you insult their mother, and Moritz did just that. The kid took Moritz in an armbar. It looked very professional.

Another time, he insulted another Turkish kid. Got headbutted. The fight was over, Moritz was crying (as always). I later fought that Turk myself, and I can say that he really wasn't that strong.

Moritz once got into a fight with a classmate who was a head shorter than him. He got him into a headlock, but the classmate countered this attack and applied an armbar. He had seen that move in a Jackie Chan-flick, he later told me.

Another time, the class was making fun of me. Not gonna lie, I was a weird kid back then, too. I told them to fuck off, and Moritz, despite not even being addressed, was offended. Everyone with half a brain knows that the price you pay for being a dick is that you will be called a dick. Moritz didn't. He walked up to me, with his typical menacing Moritz-stare, and I did a hip throw. That was years before I actually learned martial arts, and I have no idea how I pulled that move off.

Then there was another Turkish kid, some sadistic piece of shit that frankly deserves to be overrun. Not by a truck, but a van would be adequate. He grabbed Moritz by the neck and slammed him on the ground. It wasn't a chokeslam, but still.

Moritz once had a chimpout in the locker room. A fight ensued, Moritz found himself in a headlock, from the son of a therapist. Then this dialogue happened:

>LET ME GO, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!

>Calm down, Moritz.

Several times in a row. I think Moritz did eventually calm down.

Not sure how fucked up all this sounds. Let's just say we had way too many sandniggers at my school.

>>205013

>Let's just say we had way too many sandniggers at my school.

Where you from? That's a lotta Turks.

>>205071

I bet it was Germany

This happened somewhere around middle school (here we don't call it middle school). Somewhere around the middle of the year, this girl called Isidora came to our class. Our school was a regular middle-class place for pampered, protected kids.That's why it has never made sense to me that foreigners escaping from war would throw their daughter in a place like that, full of common not-rich folks.

So this Isidora girl was pretty fucking ugly, but whitey white and blonde which aren't the type of things you'd see here in LatAm countries. Her Spanish was damn good despite the fact she was from some sort of Euro political clusterfuck of a country near Russia, forgot which one exactly.

Point is, everyone hated her for being obnoxious as fuck. She'd randomly pull people's hair as a prank even if they told her to fuck off and then when everyone tried to pull something on her she'd use "I'm escaping from war!" as a get out of jail card. She had no friends and used to spend her time playing with virtual pet type games. A couple friends of mine once broke them just to see her rage and scream.

But that wasn't the main juicy bit. A teacher told her to go to the computer's room once before the rest of the class got there. Everyone remembers it, when we got there she was facing the wall with her hands down. As in masturbating. We all teased her about it while she made excuses. She was just "scratching" herself.

Other strange Isidora things was that she lied constantly just to keep small talk going, making a list of fake consoles that never existed once.

The clincher was that somewhere around November (classes end on December here), her mother came to the classroom and started screaming about us saying how we were a bunch of "low-life, petty criminals" that picked on her precious children all the while using local slang to rip us a new one verbally. We were kids, so we were kinda shocked and in the silence everyone forgot to say "hey, your daughter's kind of a cunt to everyone".

Weird shit.

My cousin is a bit of a weirdo but nowhere near a lolcow, except one thing he did that was hilarious.

He is a huge boxing fan, and he was trying to become a sports writer at this point. A lot of the people in my family are writers or journalists so it wasn't a huge surprise. He came up with an idea for a book called "How to Fight Muhammad Ali". Seemed like a decent idea, since books about Muhammad Ali often sell and low-level pulp style publishers put out dozens of them every year. We all figured it would be a good start, at least.

A few months later we found out the name of the book had changed to "How to Beat Muhammad Ali in an Eating Competition." We couldn't believe it. Never mind the fact that Muhammad Ali was never in an eating competition, and isn't even associated with food. As far as I know he's still writing it.

>>205084

>How to Beat Muhammad Ali in an Eating Competition

I laughed way harder than I should've at that.

>>204406

>>204407

is his youtube channel still up?

link?

>>205084

Watch that shit make him rich.

>>205071

>>205075

Correct, Germany. One of the southern states.

To give the Turks some credit, they aren't the dirty, smelly refugees we are getting now. The spectrum of civilization with the Turks is just as broad as with white people; you have the complete fucktards, and you have freethinking academics. It's just all dragged downwards, so there are more retards and less academics, but the general principle still holds. Turks are much like niggers, except not nearly as terrible.

The refugees, that's another story. Many people are pissed at them, and for good reasons. I don't blame them for fleeing the country. Harassing our women, and demanding more generosity than we already gave them? That's something I can't excuse. If someone gives you a loaf of bread, you don't ask for fucking cheese, too.

Got another story from my school. This time, it's about a teacher of mine. She was a cunt, the stereotypical cruel, domineering teacher. Everyone, including me, used to be afraid of her. Eventually, though, we saw the lulz to be had. That being me, the son of a psychologist, the small kid that took Moritz in an armbar, and the only guy who was as shitty in sports as I was.

Shit we pulled included: Taking out chairs, especially her chair; reflecting light into her face; hiding the sponge; and, my personal favorite, soaking the sponge in water. When she told a kid to clean the chalkboard, the sponge naturally lost all the water and made a huge mess, as soon he touched it. You'd think she'd ask who soaked the sponge in water, but no, she was angry at him. Other times, she actually was angry at the entire class, be it because of our pranks or because we failed at french again, and then she would rant for the rest of the lesson AND THEN complain about how we didn't get shit done. At one point, she called the class an "amorphous mass". Not sure what she meant by that, but knowing her, it was supposed to be verbally abusive. It probably would've been, too, if she hadn't been so goddamn funny.

By the way, we did complain weekly to our tutors about how this teacher would insult us instead of teaching us anything, and they did jackshit. My tutor in particular was an asshole who would check whether your notes were complete, because muh discipline and muh orderliness, but it took him two years NOT to talk to that one teacher about being borderline abusive.