Do you guys have any memories that have made you physically cringe because of the amount of autism in them from your part? One pops up every few minutes for me.
I've spent the past hour or so going through old photos from yesteryear. It's funny how those frozen moment in time can say a lot about the context in which you existed back then, who you were, how you perceived others and how might have been perceived.
As of late, I've been thinking about the past in regards to uncomfortable memories from as far back as my childhood and adolescence, about the plethora of situations I should have handled better, about the kind of person I was back then and the people whom I should have cherished a lot more. These are the kind of memories I've had to literally sing out of my head at times to silence them. The more I think about it, the more I start to realize how repulsive of a human being I must have seemed like to people through my actions, my words, my beliefs and my blatant ignorance. The amount of people I've pushed away because of the way I've acted and the lack of understanding I had back then about the bonds of friendship.
I lament the fact that I'm not friends with most people I used to know back in primary and junior high school. I lament the fact that it's most likely because of how I pushed people away the moment I got too close to them because I was too busy getting caught up in my own little world inside my head. Every single memory I have in my head of myself being this Mary-Sue that had to leech off others for vitality makes me think of the amount of people that I pushed away because of it, and how much of a cringeworthy fool I was yesteryear.
And yet, despite my own concerns, I can never know how others saw me back then. And whilst all I can do is speculate, the rest of the world's moved on. Perhaps most people don't even remember any of the bad things I've done? Or maybe they remember it too well? I don't think that's something I will ever know for sure.