>Be French footman under Jean de Metz
>Hanging around in the garrison of Vaucoleur
>Shit sucks, have been locked in warfare with the English for almost a century know, and no sign of it ending
>Moral is on an all-time low
>Enter Jeanne
>She's some kind of peasant girl. A batshit insane peasant girl at that, won't stop babbling about going to Chinon to meet the Prince
>But god be my witness, she was hot.
>Shoulder-length black hair, soft tan, small but firm breasts, and dat ass
>Mother Maria of Jesus Christ, DAT ASS
>Most of the garnison hasn't plowed the field in what must be months. Some of us are this close to humping cattle, for fuck's sake (quite literally)
>Metz and his fellow Poulengy instantly whiteknight her in the faint hope of getting a farmer breakfast
>Thus, Jean and a small army of desperately thirsty soldiers go to Chinon
>Arrive in Chalon. King Charly is fully aware Jeanne is completely nuts, but also sees she managed to get an entire garrison to fight its way through Burgundian land
>Decides to make her the mascot of the French army as the later moves towards Orleans
>Soldiers donate her a sword and an entire set of plate armor in the faint hope of catching a glimpse while she changes clothes. They don't. Shortly afterwards, Jeanne stands before the men in full armor.
>Thus, de Metz's codpiece explodes (old lecher has a tomboy fetish)
>After a longish marsh, we arrive at Orleans. The city's been besieged for months, but the defenders are to fucking scared to attempt a sortie into the surrounding English camp
>In a brilliant tactical move, the local commander steals one of Jeanne's panties, binds it to a stone, and shoots it into the English camp with a catapult
>The earth shakes and the island monkeys are paralyzed with fear as not just every soldier, but every male inhabitant of Orleans above the age of twelve promptly sprints out of the city and storms towards their camp with a look of unyielding primal lust in their eyes
>Thus, the five-month siege of Orleans is lifted within a single day.
> Have an entire series of successful battles. Although the Duke of Alencon nominally has the command, Jeanne goes and the army follows.
> Eventually end up attacking Paris, as the defending English and Burgundians take a bloody toll from our forces. Still we press on.
> Disaster happens when the English suddenly send hordes of Parisian prostitutes into the French siege camp. Although Jeanne chases after them with the fury only fire-and-brimstone puritan (or a jealous teenage girl) can develop, the men nonetheless find ample of opportunity to take care of their needs
> More than half of the French army promptly deserts. Jeanne tries to take Paris with what few blue-blooded and blue-balled followers she still has, but gets a crossbow bolt to the knee and has to be evacuated from the battlefield, and the siege is lifted.
> Thus, the siege of Paris ended with King Charly frantically claiming he had ordered a withdrawal to lessen the humiliation.
> After a short truce with England, war resumes. Jeanne (who talked the king into making sex with a prostitute punishable by death in all of France) moves out to Compiegne in order to defend the city against a French-Burgundian siege.
> During a sortie to attack the Burgundian camp, we get into an ambush
> Jeanne is struck in the lower body by the longsword of an English knight. The blow is so powerful that it not only dismounts her and knocks her out, but also cuts precisely through her codpiece and the clothing beneath, but not an inch deeper
> As Jeanne lay there, her groin exposed for everyone to see, time seemed to freeze. I came to a sudden realization.
> It was a trap. This had been a trap all along
> AND I DON'T MEAN THE FUCKING AMBUSH
> The morale of the raiding group shrunk as fast as the boners that had risen in expectation of what their owners would see. As the Burgundian ambushers wouldn't stop laughing, we eventually just told them they could have "her" and then promptly deserted.
> And thus, Jeanne of Arc was "captured".
And that's the story folks. I don't know why the English never blared out Jeanne's secret to anyone, nor how we eventually one the war, but here's the morale of the story:
If you are willing to give your life for a fair maiden
First make sure it's actually a maiden
Holy fuck, I didn't think this one would be longer than the Hannibal one