>>222
First, allow me to congratulate you on getting this board's second pair of trips. Very impressive.
Second, I have not had to deal with alcohol addiction myself, but I am familiar with it to some degree, and I have my own addictions I deal with. All addiction follows a similar pattern. I also sympathize immensely with your misery and misanthropy, as I used to be the same way. Heck, some days I still am.
To answer your questions, though:
>Considering that, is my future alcoholism such a bad thing? Is there no justification for knowingly abusing drugs under any circumstances?
I don't know about "justification"; justified to who or what moral law? Certainly it is not illegal to be an alcoholic, and knowingly abusing any drug does not consist of malice, but of self-medication, no matter how ill-advised. One enters into that kind of situation in order to ameliorate what he sees as a bigger problem than the resulting addiction. In your case, you don't feel much pride or gain much enjoyment out of your hatred for yourself and others; you think it's wrong. You've noticed that you tend to open up emotionally when you're drunk. You desire to do this. Therefore you think that becoming an alcoholic may lessen your hatred and loneliness. It is perfectly understandable.
It is also, however, a very bad idea. It won't do what you think it will. When you're drunk, your mental and emotional inhibitions mostly dissapear. Some people become angry and violent, others melancholy, some playful and joyous, and still others compassionate or affectionate. It mostly seems to depend on what sort of thoughts and emotions that person doesn't normally express due to inhibition; though in the case of naturally uninhibited or outgoing people, it tends simply to magnify and caricature their normal behavior.
In your case, it seems that you have a lot of bottled-up love and charity for your fellow human beings that some emotional barrier doesn't allow you to express when sober. The problem is that simply smashing that barrier for a few hours does not get rid of your underlying insecurities. You do not genuinely, at the core of your being, hate yourself or others. You plainly desire to love and be loved. You are instead forced to hate, because something is preventing you from safely expressing your desires. I do not know what that something is, but you will need to find that and deal with it to solve your real problem.
I can try and give you some guesses, though. I think maybe you have a fear of rejection; this is very commonly a cause for misanthropy. It was for me. You feel different from other people and think they won't accept you as you are. You decide not to bother with the risk involved in opening up to them, and isolate yourself fromt them. This isolation results simulteously in contempt for the aliens you have shut off from your experience, and in contempt for yourself for being unworthy of sharing in the cares of other people. Just a guess, though. I could be wrong.
Keep posting and maybe we can work this out.