My air force security buddy has some interesting stories
>Be security at nuclear missile silo
>Get a call that there's a bunch of hippie protesters outside the fence and move out
>Show up, yep, there's smelly hippies waving signs and chanting
>Missile silo is literally in the middle of fucking nowhere, nearest people are farmers a couple miles away
>The only people here beside them are the security team that just rolled up and the surveillance cameras, so who the hell are they chanting and waving signs for?
>Ordered to stay out of sight and not interfere unless they do something stupid
>Hippies begin climbing outer fence, are stumped by razor wire on top
>Some enterprising hippie brought tools, and a pair of bolt cutters make short work of the chain link fence
>We call it in, ordered to sit tight and wait for MP's
>Can't we, at least, yell at them or something?
>No, that might hurt their feelings
>Hippies are through the outer fence, cheering themselves on, and begin cutting inner fence
>Inner fence is electrified; watching them figure this out is like watching a monkey figure out that orange glowing stuff on the log is hot
>Hippie with bolt cutters finally nuts up and cuts through fence, making an opening
>Hippies all cheer as they make it through this obstacle and pour into the clearing around the silo itself
>NOW can we stop them?
>No, wait for the MP's
>What the fuck are we here for then?
>Hippies climb onto silo hatch and begin looking for a padlock to cut so they can pry the hatch open with their one crowbar
>They seriously think missile hatches are secured with padlocks and that steel plates weighing several tons can be pried open with a fucking crowbar
>They finally resort to just beating on the hatch cover with a sledgehammer, shouting that if they can't destroy the nuclear missile inside, they can at least 'prevent it from launching' by damaging the hatch
>MP's finally show up, swarm all over the hippies, and handcuff them; any who resist are pepper sprayed
>We literally sat there and just watched this entire time because we weren't allowed to even let them know we were there, much less stop them
>Hippies are arrested and charged with destruction of government property; air force agrees to drop charges if the hippies pay for the damage
>Hippies think they're replacing some damaged fencing and agree
>Air force hands them the bill for damage to a missile hatch, to the tune of several million dollars for replacing the whole thing
>"B-but we just scuffed it!"
>"Better safe than sorry, we need to ensure national security by being able to launch at any time, and we don't know if you might have done damage that could cause the hatch to jam at a critical moment."
>Hippies are bankrupted, along with whatever organization was funding them, air force gets new fencing and several million dollars
>Doesn't replace the missile hatch because they literally just scuffed up the paint on it
>Suddenly, I see the genius in giving the hippies enough rope to hang themselves
>Get called out to missile base at 3am
>Unidentified aircraft is hovering over the silo
>Peel out in shitty camouflage CUCV, since we don't have any armor, and arrive at silo
>There's a huge ball of blinding light hovering over the silo, shining a searchlight down on the missile hatch
>Report a helicopter hovering over the silo
>Suddenly realize that it's dead silent; shouldn't we be able to hear it if it's a helicopter?
>Light suddenly disappears
>Base command reports that the light is now at the other end of the base
>We're ordered to stay put
>Nearby air base is scrambling F-16's
>Other security teams are chasing unidentified aircraft all over the other end of the base
>Light suddenly reappears over silo hatch
>Base command sounds frantic, reports that the missile is armed and preparing for launch
>If the missile launches with the hatch closed, it will explode; if the hatch is opened to prevent that, the missile will launch and go God knows where
>Technicians are scrambled to prevent missile from fueling
>Technicians report that missile isn't fueling, nothing is active, everything is fine
>Command is still freaking the fuck out saying the computer says the missile is armed and prepping for launch
>We ask if we can shoot the light, everybody ignores us
>Helicopters from other end of base scramble; we can hear them, so now we KNOW the light isn't a helicopter
>F-16's report they have visual on the light
>Light shoots straight into the sky and disappears, never to be seen again
>Computer readouts on missile say everything is normal
>Official report says there was a computer malfunction that coincidentally occurred at the same time as an accidental deployment of illumination flares, which were mistaken for an unidentified aircraft
>Yeah, bullshit