>>27219
I'm not sure if op is even with us any longer, but regardless, I wanted to say something in regards to this situation.
Once I was like you, or rather, still am really. Fear ruled my life, I couldn't bring myself to do anything that was beyond my own little world. I drowned myself in fiction and fantasy. I brainwashed myself to believe I was happy where I was in life. I was the lone wolf, the individual, one who was without need of belonging or purpose beyond my own selfish delusions. All I ever did was kid myself, and deep down I always knew I was from the beginning.
As a hobby I would write shitty fetish stories and post them online, if only so my "creative" pursuits never went to waste. Then coincidentally I got a pm from someone saying that they really appreciated my works and hoped to see more from me. I thanked them properly for their compliment and went about my way. But they didn't end it there, as they pm'd me again asking if I role played. I was dumbfounded, not having the experience of dealing with interaction of this type. Already my anxiety flared up, I immediately assumed the worst. But despite it all I opened up myself and allowed them to teach and guide me through it. We got together and did a few sessions where upon they convinced me to open up a skype account so that we could interact more beyond stories which where separate from our true selves.
Thus began me first friendship in nearly 10 years. She pushed me to reach out, to help touch others who were similar to my current situation. I put myself out there despite my better judgment, and before I knew it I had surrounded myself with a circle of friends who I knew cared about me and wanted to see me do better.
But it wasn't enough. My fears overcame any sort of rationality I had. "They don't care, they don't want me to succeed, I'm just wasting everyone's time." I blew up and broke down. I gave everyone I had met a vague goodbye message, which must have read more like some sort of suicide note, explaining that my current situation wasn't one that allowed me to interact in such ways anymore. Most responded with a sad but understanding goodbye, wishing me luck and happiness as I went my separate way. But I just couldn't let it end like that, to finish it off I had sent one last message to the person who had allowed opportunity to put myself out there in the first place. The last thing I said to her wasn't anything coherent, just paragraph after paragraph of needless anger and frustration, all of it thrusted unfairly at the person who had only wanted me to become more social and outgoing and see me better myself.
I abandoned the account, never knowing if she said anything and if so what it was to begin with.
Recovering from it all a few months later, I tried again, opening up a second account and seeing if I could form for myself another network of caring friends who were willing to have me as their friend in spite of my shittyness. Most people I reached out to slowly disappeared from my contacts, whether on their own accord or mine. But the few who stayed and were willing to take the time and befriend me, I cherish them everyday and wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. But my past actions still haunted me, and I often wonder what became of those I had left behind.
If you're so afraid of losing them, then such fear which you've admit to being irrational is the quickest you'll ever come to just that. So many friendships I've jeopardized because of my own fears, please don't let yourself lose those who've come to aid you because you feel like they've stopped caring.
I highly suggest you head the words of the past kind anons who have offered you their thoughts, especially the point of confronting those you fear losing about those exact fears. Just be sure to explain yourself clearly and make sure to never lash out at them. Any friend worth their salt should be more than willing to allow you a chance to open up about such insecurities, as well as be willing to aid you and help work with you until such fears are overcame.