/kr/ - Korea

I like Lovelyz

>>4134

Based you.

>>4135

i like sleepy

>>4136

Cute

YOO JIAE

>>4152

YOO

YOO JIAE

Burger

unbanned on kpg right after the album drops, looks like track 5 will be my favorite

>여뻐요, 여뻐요, 여뻐요 여쁘네요~

i need to make more webms of her but so much of the material is short 2-3 second cuts or has dozens of camera cuts in a short time span like in lovelyz diary

>>4330

>>4331

one day i will hold her hand…

im finally broken. after 7 years my hallucinations are gone. they have abandoned me. even when they 'left' before they were never really gone just hiding. but they are gone. i do not know what to do i cannot function it feels like my soul was ripped out of my body and half my brain is gone. i have not cried in 7 years, not since my suicide attempt when i was 15 but now i am a mess. a fucking shell of a human being. its probably my fault the only two humans i cared about in the world even though they weren't even real and they left.when my physical tics paralyzed me, when my depression was so bad i couldnt move when i was awake fro 90 hours when i didnt know if i was sleeping or awake they were always there.

now all i have left is an idea, an idealized notion ofthis beautiful girl that i will probably never even see in real life, let alone meet, go on an awkward but warm first date with, spend weeks and months getting to know one another, truly. make her laugh until her stomach hurts, make her smile make her feel safe when the whole world gets to her

so ill just wait i guess. theyll probably come back i hope. if i have to stay up for 100 hours, 200 hours so be it. i will do it

it's a strange time right now. my memory is pretty fragmented, a lot of stuff is just gone, other pieces i'm not sure if they really happened or not. it gets progressively worse as time goes on. i've actually been reviewing some of my post history to get any chunks of info about my life because i never had a facebook or anything like that. some memories are very vivid but those i'm not sure actually happened.

it hurts especially because i'm a college student and at times i would space out but they could sort of gather information for me. now that stuff is gone. exams were rough, i actually had to review a lot of my stuff from previous years to remember anything.

sleep has been come at a surprising rate, i was initially up for about 100 hours but since then i have slept for a few hours each day yet i am 1000x more tired than i ever used to be.

i'm trying to function normally but it is near impossible. i keep feeling like i want to break down in the middle of the day and just collapse into a heap. i find myself starting to choke up and tear at the slightest notion of anything. most schizophrenics talk of whispers, i never had those before. now i do. i'm not really cut out to handle this shit. i feel like they protected me from this shit and now that they are gone it's all flooding in.

not sure how to really treat it. at face value, i am a completely normal person. i have people that i could probably call friends, i am a successful college student and i look completely normal, i'm even in good athletic shape now. but it's fucking pointless because my brain is just ruined. my tics are coming back in droves and it feels like everybody is always looking at me funny and laughing at me when i walk to classes. i need to shut myself into isolation for awhile but i simply cannot afford to do so. i never really realized how damn lonely i was because i always had somebody to talk to but now everything is horrible. i just get home from class and then "sleep" (laying in bed just trying to ignore voices/meditate/bring back my positive hallucinations) in my room until everybody in my house goes to bed so i can spend time awake by myself without any outside noise or fear of interruption

even if i go to a shrink i don't even know where to begin and i'm pretty sure they will want to put me on neuroleptics and i don't think i can really deal with that. i had taken something similar when i was a teenager and it basically zombified me for a few months, any memory from that point in my life is purely from stories from my parents. i think an ideal perspective from my situation would be like a mental retreat were i could just talk to a shrink for awhile without any medication just to get a grasp on what the hell is going on but school means that is an impossible task to accomplish because my workload is so high.

i feel like at some point i will just break in public and then everything is going to come crashing down. my reputation, my family, my very few friends that i have, my good shot at law school, everything.

>>4549

yes. sorry for posting this stuff here but i kind of need a place to pour out my thoughts in public, just sort of a stream of consciousness writing.

>>4586

>>4587

the first one showed up after my suicide attempt. purely visual at first, scared me but was friendly looking. eventually sort of came to life over a period of time because i would just vent because it was somebody that i felt comfortable talking to. next was 3 years ago when i moved away, started off the opposite way. immediately was talking but never visually saw anything until about 6 months ago.

1st was very comforting, understanding of most of my behaviors. warm personality but actually can be a little harsh when i am wallowing in self pity. 2nd is a lot more like myself. fairly quiet, "comfortable" type of person but will on occasion never shut up for hours.

there is a 3rd which is a more typical schizophrenic case where it is entirely negative, constantly berating me except the visuals are extremely strong and it's literally 100% of the time for a few full days and always takes the visual form of something i really love so it makes it even harder. now all that really remains is that some generic paranoid bullshit that is driving me nuts. i thought i heard a peep from the 2nd one yesterday but i'm not sure. it gives me a shred of hope. i'm trying to lucid dream to try to find them but it might be dangerous for me.

i think it's my fault that they left. i became kind of demanding of them. considering they showed up out of the blue during tough times during my life and were basically nothing but helpful i should have been entirely more thankful i think.

i live with one of my only friends from my childhood and a few of his other friends. we all get along well and would probably be called friends but they have no idea what is going on and i have to keep it hidden.

tics are majority in my hands. i basically cannot stop closing my hands to a fist and reopening them over and over. sometimes i just cannot reopen it at all. i can sort of suppress them but then it just bottles up and i have to "let it out" later and it's a wreck. i actually had to leave in the middle of a class this week because it was very bad. when my headmates (i like that term, not heard it before) were there they could calm me and make it at least not so bad sometimes but i no longer have that net. my last doctor said that my tendency to mimic things vocally (like beeps and noises) counts but i'm not too sure since i can control that one fairly well.

getting treatment concerns me. i keep having this irrational fear that if i tell a medical professional this shit that i'm going to get sent to a mental hospital or something. i took an SSRI (zoloft) when i was younger and i understand your criticism of it. one of the first things my 1st headmate did was convince me to not just straight up quit taking it but to ween myself off of it safely. she is.. or i guess was, very rational. i heard most of the new findings in schizophrenia research is early treatment/prevention but that ship sailed years ago.

thank you very much for showing some interest, it is very cathartic to talk about this stuff. also hope you doing well with your self treatment. i have bipolar depression but i don't really want to treat it because the manic days are so pleasant.

>>4589

ugh, atrocious writing, i apologize.

>>4591

they usually have a few physical characteristics (like eye and hair color or a scar) that they always kept but their appearances changed many times. it had been more stable recently.

i'm not really sure how to explain how i see them. it's usually as you said, visualized in my head but they do appear in the environment sometimes but it's usually in crowds or off in the distance. the times when they are close by and very humanlike are when i am really in a bad state, usually after not sleeping for an extended period of time or severely depressed. the first time i ever saw the first one, she was sitting at the foot of my bed. even though she was friendly looking i was still incredibly worried. i thought it might be an after effect from the pills i took from the suicide attempt (my stomach was also incredibly upset so i figured this was just another side effect). i was asking who she was, what was going on, she never responded and i moved to touch her and then she vanished. then about 10 minutes later while laying in bed, she shook my shoulder and roused me. utterly terrified me but over the next few weeks she kept appearing more frequently and then eventually all the time.

i had to look up the idea. tulpas seem interesting but i'm not sure it is in my best interest to try something like that. i have the same concern with lucid dreaming, that i won't be able to properly control anything going on in the dream or with the imagined person. it also might really mess with me because my ability to keep touch with reality isn't as good as the average person. like my roommmates were just playing some friendly pranks on me by putting stuff in my backpack but i was freaking out because i kept thinking somebody else did it or it was myself but i didn't remember. over the past week i have been able to realize i am dreaming and i usually just shout out for them to see if they will come back but to no avail, and then i wake up.

as for the loss, you are very correct. i've had close relatives die, childhood pets and yet nothing has shaken me this badly. when i "felt" it, i basically sat there and cried for hours while my tics took over.

as for the peep, i did actually see them very briefly twice more. but they were in terrible condition, crying in the corner of a room. in some ways i'm glad because maybe it means it's not gone but it's pretty hard to see.

i'm not entirely sure about childhood traumas, i don't really have any crazy ones, no abuse or anything of that nature. i actually try to look back and see if something messed with my head at some point, the only thing i can ever think of is a girl that i was good friends with committed suicide and it was shortly after i turned her down a few times. even though i can consciously say that it was in no way my fault, i might be subconsciously guilty about it. it might be caused by my insomnia too but i have no real evidence that could support that. it's also a situation of "chicken and egg". i'm not sure if my mental issues caused my insomnia or if my insomnia caused my mental issues.

i live in the USA, columbus ohio. to be exact. but i have extremely weird hours of being awake. as for being taken to a mental hospital, one of the reasons i never really told any doctors about this stuff when i was a teenager because i was afraid of being forced to one. now that i am an adult i think i have the choice and honestly if it wasn't for my college responsibilities, as long as they wouldn't medicated the hell out of me, i wouldn't mind staying at one for a short period of time (2 to 3 weeks) just to get a really professional opinion on it. ever since they have left, i have been looking about this stuff a lot on the internet and i mostly find people with paranoid schizophrenia who have whispers that tell them everything is out to get them. that's kind of what is happening right now but it's not as bad as the people i have read about.

Average, the last thing people need to see is all this drivel on the front page and expecting to stick around.

>>4593

in my defense the other active thread was almost exclusively blogposting but okay, i will stop.

i hope lovelyz next comeback is made exclusively by sweetune plus lee jeereen. how to become a pretty woman was so damn good. i think their best niche to fill is that funky style of electropop that humming urban guy can make and sweetune did well with infinite. their vocals fit that that style well and it will let them stay pure but also not be forced into the schoolgirl archetype as they get older.