/late/ - Late Nights

>>2443

It varies a lot. Sometimes I am thinking about my life, how I will pay the bills, what I will have for breakfast. Other times I spend thinking about deep stuff. Philosophy maybe.

How fucking bored I am, and how the withdrawal fucks with my head

>>2445

Withdrawal?

Girls mostly...

lewd stuff

What I've done to bring me to where I am

What I can do to bring me out of where I am

What I would do if I could do it again with knowledge of my current life

And whatever I'm writing/working on, I guess.

How I can change myself, not as a person but how I can make myself not so afraid to make moves forward. (In relationships and such)

Kinda pathetic, I love my life and the people around me but I hate myself. How does one solve self hatred without therapy or pills? I'm not too keen on either of those. I don't want to be put on tons of medication like my mother, she's a real wreck sometimes. It's a shame too.

I also think about what I could have done better with certain people. Great people that have slipped away due to my wrecklessness in relationships, both friendships and intimate relationships. I guess I feel like they're better because they're gone and human tendency leads me to want what I can't have. Who knows.

Although nobody would ever expect it from me in reality, I involuntary fantasize about moments of tenderness with a girl at night. No lewd stuff, just things like hugging, touching, lying next to each other. I'm not looking for it in reality, I think really striving for it would lead me to something bad. From my experience, girls want to be treated roughly and being subtle they interpret as a sign of weakness. So I drift away at night into this tender escapism and fulfill my desires, while during the day I'm more closed

I think I'm better off this way. Another way of suppressing it is to play with a cat or a small dog, stroke its back etc. express your warmth this way and then you feel cleansed and can better focus only on things that are constant, down-to-earth and in the physical realm.

After all, I think tumblr people are right about gender identity not being something clear cut. I have a lot of aspects of character that probably count as feminine. I would never consider playing with my gender using drugs etc. that's a horrible idea in my opinion (or maybe I just don't have as many feminine characteristics as people who destroy their organism with hormone therapy)

Mostly my crush, who shows no real interest in me. But, I guess I can continue to try. Don't know if I still will in the fall since I'm attending community college classes and I'll be surrounded by older women (who will probably show no interest in me). That, lewd stuff and what the fuck am I gonna do the next day and determine how much sleep I will need for the next day.

>>2702

>>2703

Excuse the double post. ;-;

What's the next piece of media I can watch/hear/read next?

I try desperately to convince myself that my life will be different when I go to university. New city, new life. Maybe it will be, maybe I'll finally get some friends.

I just kinda dwell on my loneliness and think about other lives I could've had. I think about how all my friends are dating and I'm just sitting here lonely gay virgin.

Someone put a bullet in me.

I'm seriously worried about my memory, I have extreme trouble remembering anything from ages 4-16. I spend a lot of time trying to remember.

Ronery shit. When that runs out, I mull over media I've consumed and media I want to create. If I get too restless, I'll jot down analysis and idea stuff. It's all illegible and poorly structured because it's written at four in the goddamn morning, and I've been doing this for at least five years and nothing has come of it really, but it's immensely relaxing.

I suppose lately I haven't been thinking as much as I used to. Ever since I started dating Allison the way I've lived my life has kind of changed.

When I was 15, which honestly is the furthest back that I can really remember myself developing any real conscious thoughts, I used to fantasize about my future, leader of an anarchist revolutionary army against the oppressive totalitarian United States government. I started fantasizing about this after watching Code Geass lol.

I remember I drafted a whole plan. I would establish internet contacts in North Korea (through what channels we'd communicate i dont know maybe darkweb? lol), and then they would infiltrate the DPRK government and on the side recruit a team of disgruntled DPRK citizens to join a guerrilla army. After this, a war would be started, and eventually I would lead the army (wearing a mask, concealing my identity of course) to Pyongpang, killing Kim Jong Un himself.

After this, I would establish a pseudo-democratic government in the DPRK, and pretend to disband the military. However, I would conduct a secret invasion of South Africa, and my army would make its way North until we toppled over all the corrupt and weak african governments.

We'd then move to gain control of South america, europe, and finally the USA.

MEANWHILE:

while this whole thing is going on, I'm running for president in america. I win (easy for me, hoho) and am publicly opposed to the army mysteriously trying to take over the world. then suddenly, one night, i unveil myself on television as the leader of the army, after a dramatic speech.

Cont

>>2813

I remember late nights PLEADING with myself to work up the courage to ask her to prom. I would flip coins and say "If heads, ask her tomorrow. If tails, I wait another day." Regardless of the outcome, I would wait.

I found out from my friend Ed that Caroline was going to prom with an out of towner. I felt as if I had blown my chance forever. I ended up going to prom with a random girl who I had been kinda friendly to over the past year. She was hot, a /fit/ mulatto girl. We danced all night. After prom we never spoke again.

In the last 2 months of the school year, after pulling some cosmic strings (i had casted sigils (/fringe/) saying that i wanted to be friends with Caroline, and talk to her more in the future, and date a girl LIKE her). I ended sitting with her, her best friend, and one of my best friends at a table in math. We all gelled very well and Caroline and me became friends.

On the last day of school, I swore to myself I would ask Caroline out. i didn't

2 days later, a girl named Allison, who I had always admired but had not spoken to that often, asked me out on a date over facebook messenger. Allison was on my shortlist of girls I would like to date before that, so of course I said yes.

>>2928

You won't be able to help anyone if you can't help yourself; it sounds like you want to be a writer in your previous post, why not give that a shot? That could help you while also making others happy with what you can create, at best you could leave your mark by inspiring others with your writing. You sound like you know what makes a good story.

If I think too much I can't fall asleep. Doesn't even have to be bad thoughts or stress in my life or anything like that. I have to watch something on TV or listen to music to switch my brain off or else I can't sleep.

>>2931

>>2932

>>2933

i am sure you had nothing but good intentions wanting to be a part of a group like that but modern social justice is nothing but a pissing contest, its full of people who are like spoiled children. even if you give them everything they want, they'll never be happy and will continue to keep asking for more. i can relate to what you're feeling though, before i fucked up my brain i was a decent artist; i am a perfectionist when it comes to my own art, which you could imagine is very counterproductive. if it was not perfect it was trash, i caved in one day and accepted my current skill at the time and started selling paintings at anime and comic conventions so i could afford more supplies to keep my hobby. i was good enough to sell over $500 worth of paintings each time, i sold things that would normally be priced at $100 for as low as $30 because i didn't care about the money. i was not happy doing it because i knew i could do better; over time i noticed everyone treated creating art more like work that should be avoided at all costs, these people were at most above average skill but acted like they were masters and should be treated as such. it was depressing and disgusting, to them it was only something they did for attention and/or money; it was inspiring seeing people with nearly no skill confident enough to try selling their art at these conventions, i would make just enough money to make more paintings then spend the rest buying their art. i have not drawn in years; talking with you though, i am considering it. it will be more difficult since i cant think as well but maybe i can show another person losing hope that not everyone is in it for the money or attention. life is full of regrets, you will stay in the same situation trying to impress those people. in my opinion you should not write for terrible people like the social justice community. write what you want to see, if you cant do that then write for the people like yourself.

>>2445

It's ok. The shrooms will come soon. Just a little bit longer my friend.

>>2443

And this is why I stand above your grave, alone in the sleet, with nary a rose or a message to pass along to you. To you dear stranger, you, who lived life without humble footsteps or large foot prints, I write your eulogy. Cheers.

>>4054

What you need is to engage with supplication with us.

Here lately I've joined a Jiu jitsu club and every night I'm on utube studying.

>>4074

That's awesome anon. I used to wrestle and it was lot of fun when I wasn't getting pinned.

Nothing usually. I tend to fill my head with the thoughts and worries of others rather than my own because I've only very recently developed a sense of self. Whenever I do take time for myself I'm usually struck with awe at how lost I am and how almost everyone else I have ever encountered is just as lost. The heavily ordered world that I saw as a child is being slowly revealed as the tangled mess that it actually is and I don't know whether this is a relief or a reason to panic. A part of me is saying that this should be fixed and that I should have a hand in it but another side is telling me to just block everything out and to let it all collapse into itself as I sqeeze it for all the pleasure that it can give me. I probably sound like a child right now but I needed to put my thoughts down somewhere.

>>4112

No, I feel the same kind of angst. Ought I to 'serve' the world somehow, or is it better to keep my head down and just try to find a way to be happy in it? And supposing I do devote myself to some greater cause, how can I truly know what I'm doing is right, when I'm limited by my own narrow perspective? I guess that's the trap of postmodernist thinking.

>>4120

Wowa, what is this?

>>4128

The possible results of the >3000 year old Chinese book of divination called the I Ching, or Book Of Changes. Fascinating stuff.

How much I hate insomnia and how it's stealing all my /fit/ gainz.

thinking about how i need to actually use my time instead of idling on the net 24/7...

i dont want to numb myself but again and again i find myself sitting in my same clothes at 5 am smoking a cigarette and asking myself the age old question: why am i doing this

sometimes i feel that ive become addicted to pulling all-nighters. i like the feeling of sleep deprivation mixed with coffee, tobacco and ephedrine... i nod out in class and it's a heavenly feeling. though it's been getting better lately i'm not the sort of person that gets up in the morning. i'm late to school everyday, sometimes skipping classes.

i wish i had a hobby. starting out is the biggest hassle of all. once you get momentum going its smooth sailing i know that but theres somehting inside of me that draws me back again and again to numb myself with the same old shit that ive been doing for the past 4 years.

life is so boring. sometimes i daydream about becoming a street racer or doing urban exploring or spraying graffiti. i think how cool of a life i could have and the bittersweet feeling hits me just before i have to get off the bus.

i have made so many plans and so many time scedules to organize my life... more than i even care to count. why wont i just do it? theres nothing stopping me. is this what they call addiction?

i need to get my ass up. i need to just take the initiative. lord grant me strenth for i am but a walking shell

>>4172

but i guess its OK. it could be way worse but if someone asked me if i was genuently happy i couldnt say yes i am. i am not happy. sometime it hit me hard that until this very day ive been numbing myself, commuting to school without a puropse.

do yall think about suicide? i sometiemes do. i cant imagine dying of old age. if youd ask me how do you think you will die id say ill probably kill myself sometime. im not depressed but i cant shake off the feeling that it will eventually be this way

>>4172

but i guess its OK. it could be way worse but if someone asked me if i was genuently happy i couldnt say yes i am. i am not happy. sometime it hit me hard that until this very day ive been numbing myself, commuting to school without a puropse.

do yall think about suicide? i sometiemes do. i cant imagine dying of old age. if youd ask me how do you think you will die id say ill probably kill myself sometime. im not depressed but i cant shake off the feeling that it will eventually be this way,,,

>>4173

i do not think of how am i gunna do /IT/ but the afterlife more of.

hope is there - just keep looking at the sky.