Mostly miserable.
Struggling to pay the rent, desperately looking for a job to squeeze in between my lectures at college while it also has to be something a cripple like me can do. I have no social life whatsoever as I moved to a town far away from where I grew up to study, and so far I haven't made a single friend - heck, I barely even talked to anyone within the last two months.
To add insult to injury, fall has always made me feel rather blue, often turning into full on Depression during winter. Life feels like there's nothing worth further struggling for. No friends or family that would be oh so sad if I were to put an end to it. I'm studying maths and had to realize that just because I was interested in the subject in- and outside of school that doesn't mean I am good at it whatsoever. This subject I once was fascinated about, maybe even passionate has suddenly turned into a mumbo-jumbo of formulas, signs and letters, devoid of all meaning and beauty.
But I kind of wonder: Should the absence of a reason to live be enough of a reason for its demise?
However, I said mostly miserable, so there's also something positive going on.
I started getting into Video game development, currently learning the ins and outs of the Unity engine. It has always been a dream of mine to create something, be it music, drawings or video games. I tried teaching myself drawing, then playing the piano, then programming and over and over failed miserably because I'm not the type to be self-taught. Fast forward to one year ago and I now had 3 years of programming at high school. So it wasn't all foreign to me, I had a point to start from, some baseline to experiment and broaden my horizon from, and with that I now picked it up again.
I probably sound like some whiny teenager in this, being all "boo hoo life's so hard", but if that's the case then so be it. I needed to get it off my chest, and after all you guys are the closest thing to "friends" that I have