/legion/ - Outer Legion

We begin our first tale with Hobgoblin, who was merrily handing our presents to the boys and girls, but not for free. No, my friends for you see these gifts cost a fee.

He waved them off merrily, "Have a merry Christmas kids!" He wondered why kids were out so late at night, but he didn't care as long as he got paid.

Far off in the distance, though he was being watched. Watched by a man who was very familiar to him. He didn't notice, he just kept on peddling his products which were very illegitimate. What do I mean?

Well read on to find out what the horrible Hobgoblin was selling. Was it knick knacks or t-shirts? All the above? Knowing him, it probably was...

Who else could it be watching watching, but the man named Moon Knight! He and Hobgoblin had a feud to settle...well Moon Knight thought they did. To Hobgoblin, Moon Knight was a pest.

But how could he be here, but also at the Legion right as this story is written? Well...don't ask questions.

Moon Knight looked at the Hobgoblin inquisitively. "What's he doing down there?" he thought to himself, "Is he selling drugs to kids without remorse? Is he really so desperate he'd do this on Christmas of all days?!"

He pondered and he pondered, but then he heard a voice in his head, "I doubt it's much at all, you're just acting crazy."

Moon Knight groaned, "Not now, Khonshu. I think for once, I'm thinking I'm not crazy. He's up to something and I should find out."

"Well whatever gets you off." Khonshu said with a cackle, "Spill his blood! Blood for Khonshu!"

Moon Knight sighed, "We'll see...''

Within mere seconds, Moon Knight started to move his feet. They crashed against the snowy ground, causing it to 'crunch.'

He then leapt in a flying leap, with his cape billowing behind him in a crescent shape. How that works, we may never know but it sure looked cool. Hobgoblin looked up at the falling vigilante and he gasped, "Oh dear!"

Moon Knight crashed into the ground in a kneeling pose. He got up from his knees and stared the Hobgoblin down, "What are you doing?"

"Selling Christmas cheer!" Hobgoblin said with glee. Moon Knight looked at his pearly grin and he sneered, "Bit late to make a profit on unsuspecting children for Christmas, isn't it?"

Hobgoblin laughed, "It's never too late, besides I am selling legitimate products."

Moon Knight looked at Hobgoblin's selection and he pulled out a shirt, "Do you call this legitimate?!"

He held the shirt to Hobgoblin's face, and even an idiot could tell this was unlicensed crap!

Hobgoblin shrugged it off, "Oh that? I didn't even see that in the pile!" Moon Knight squinted and got real close to Hobgoblin, "You're really pushing your luck!"

Khonshu run out in the crescent crusader's mind, "You don't need anymore evidence! Kill him, him him now!"

Moon Knight yelled at the blood thirsty god, "Shut up and let me think!"

Before he could act, a voice cried out, "Hey!"

Moon Knight turned around, "What?"

When he looked away, it was the Hobgoblin...again! He was flying away. When Moon knight looked at the other Hobgolbin's sales stand, both it and that other Hobby were gone.

He stomped his foot, "Hell, if I can't get one, I'll get the other!"

He got out a walky-talky and began to talk to someone on the other side, "Jay it's Moon Knight."

Jay picked up and asked, "What's shakin, Moonman?" Moon Knight asked of him one thing, "Get the chopper."

Within seconds, he heard the whirling of a helicopter. It was Red Hood driving. He asked, "How'd you get here so fast?"

The helicopter got close to the ground so Moon Knight could hop in, "I was waiting for you to call."

Moon Knight sighed, "I don't know what I expect from you anymore."

"Good, gotta keep ya guessing." red Hood said with his cheesy grin at a maximum, "Alright you gettin' on this thing or not?"

Moon Knight crawled inside and they took to the skies.

The two Outlaws flew their helicopter after the bootlegging badguy. Jay turned to Moon Knight and asked, "Don't you think this is overkill?"

Moon Knight stayed stern, "Yes, but I don't care."

Jay smirked, "Good, because there's kill quite like overkill."

"Besides," Moon Knight began, "he's immortal like me, who cares?"

The whirring of a whirlybird was quite unmistakable, and Hobgoblin heard it, "Well that's a bit unfair."

Moon Knight looked at a control panel and saw all his options. There were plenty of buttons that were labeled with things like, 'missiles,' 'more missiles,' 'double missile,' 'lots of missiles,' and of course 'extra explosive missiles.'

Moon Knight asked, "Which one am I supposed to fire?!"

Jay just pressed each and every one, "All of them."

"I really should've expected that." Moon Knight said with a lack of shock, "Now I think it's overkill."

>>716813

Well the missiles hit the Hobgoblin over and over. Each one causing more and more damage. Eventually he exploded.

It was like fireworks on Christmas night! The only difference is that there were charred Hobgoblin remains instead of confetti and ashes. Nothing says Christmas quite like that.

The two Outlaws celebrated another successful night of vigilanteism, but while they were cheering...another Christmas night shenanigans were happening. Because this was just too short of a tale, so let's have more...this new story will is...

CHRISTMAS PRISON ESCAPE

Our story begins with a Fred Myers, who was breaking out of prison. Or at least attempting.

He was running through the longer corridor. Prisoners were banging on bars, asking for help.

Guards were chasing after him, and he was nearly caught. What was Fred to do in a situation like this?

He continued running as he thought, "Shit man, I don't want to go back behind those bars! The presents they give here suck!"

>>716821

He flashbacked to the gift exchange, and what did he get? He got carpet samples!

He ranted about this in his head, "Carpet samples! Freakin' carpet samples! I hate carpet samples! I really really really hate carpet samples. Who gives away carpet samples?!"

His anger continued to grow, he want to lash out but all he had was his outfit. He lacked his boomerangs, and his jet boots were empty. He had no choice but to run unless he felt like getting beat up by a bunch of guards.

He then got an idea...he had the keys he stole from a previous guard, so why wouldn't he just use it to just sneak into another cell? He did just that, and he went into another cell to blend in. It worked! The guards ran past the cell and he was hidden well...

But now he'd have to deal with the other person in the cell...

>>716822

"Hey Boomer." he heard a familiar voice say.

Fred looked back and saw Carnage, "Oh...hey Clete."

The symbiotic mad man looked at the bottle in his hands and asked, "Where'd you get that piss water?"

"Guards were drinkin' on the job." Fred replied nonchalantly, "So how'd you get in here?"

"I was stealin' stuff for the family on Christmas until Stumpy came in and ruined it for everyone! When I get outta here, I'm gonna make him double crippled!"

Fred looked at the window and wondered, "Hey, couldn't just slip through that window with your symbiote?"

Carnage confirmed that, "Sure could."

"Why don't you?" he asked. He shrugged and said, "Waiting for the wife to pick me up."

"You're married?!"

Carnage face palmed, "Yes, I'm married! To two women! More than you'll ever get."

Fred scowled and tried to think of a response, "But...but...fuck you." He walked out of the cell and heard a crash. After that crash, he heard both Carnage and a woman bickering and then...other things he tried to drown out of his mind.

He locked the cell up and kept walking like nothing happened.

As he walked by, he heard another prisoner demand his attention, "Myers."

Fred looked over and saw Magneto, the master of magnetism, "Oh now isn't this a treat."

Magneto remained unamused, "May I inquire what you find so humorous?" Fred laughed, "Nothing except the oh so 'homo-superior' is asking me to help him break out."

"I said no such thing." Magneto denied, but Fred kept chortling, "Whassa matter big man? Goin' back on what you said? Never thought I'd see the great Magneto backing down, but there's a first time for everything!"

Magnero continued to stare, unfazed, "I wouldn't do that if I were you."

"What're you gonna do from behind those bars? Threaten me to death?!" Fred asked as his laughing began to fill the entire prison, "Shouldn't you be able to break out or somethin'? Ain't these bars metal?!"

Magneto continued to stare blankly, "I am just biding my time. As you should've been, but now it looks like it's too late for that."

Fred looked condescendingly at the mutant, "I don't see how."

"Your laughing has attracted the attention of the guards." Magneto replied. Fred gulped, "Shit."

He went back to running from the guards once again. Would he escape?

Now Fred eventually found his way out. The guards may've tried to get him, but he was free! Free at last!

Sure, he nearly got shot multiple times, and he got bruises but he's free! Now he can get decent Christmas presents! He walked out with a confident smile, "Well I did it."

He strutted around and even mooned the prison, "Eat it! Bahahahhahah!"

The alarms went off and eventually guards on the guardtowers began to shoot. He looked up and gulped, "Oh crap!"

He ran again until he lost them in the woods, "Home free again! They'll never catch me now." The guard really did lose him, but yet...something wasn't right. He felt someone was watching him. Someone who was...TRYING TO SELL HIM SOMETHING!

And right he was! Who else would he find in the forest except the Hobgoblin! Now what's the Hobgoblin doing here? Well how else are we gonna tie these stories together?!

Fred looked at the Hobgoblin, who's cape was on fire. He asked, "Wait, what are you doin' here?"

"I took an unfortunate crash!" Hobgoblin answered, "If I weren't immortal thanks to that potion I surely would've died."

Fred tried to understand that sentence, "Wait...so you crashed here but survived due to a potion?"

"Yes." The Hobgoblin confirmed with absolute conviction. Fred yanked at Hobgoblin's mask, "I thought that was a costume! You ain't a fantasy creature!"

Hobgoblin shrugged, "Well how did you get here?"

"Escaped out of the prison." Fred pointed out, and Hobgoblin looked, "Huh. I didn't notice that."

They both stared at each other awkwardly until Fred asked, "Uhhhh...where's the city?"

Hobby pointed to the east, "Right that way, my friend! Try not to get lost!"

Fred instantly took to the east, "Yeah yeah, I ain't gettin' lost." Hobgoblin watched him wander off, "He's gonna get lost."

As he wandered the east of the forest, he got deeper within. He heard the crunching of leaves, and the crushing of snow. Those were footsteps!

He took a big sip of the 'piss water' he found back in the prison and peaked over where he heard the footsteps. He looked and silently groaned, "Aww god, it's one of those Spider-People! Do those creeps just wait in forests near prisons on Christmas to see if anybody escapes?"

Luckily for him, she didn't hear the foot steps as she thought, "Well waiting in the forest near the prison to see if anybody escapes has been unproductive."

He gulped and slowly tried to step away. She turned around and saw him, "Now it isn't!"

He tried running, but she webbed his feet up which caused him to trip. He fell in the snow and yelled, "Hey lemme outta here ya weirdo."

She kneeled down to him and picked him up, "Looks like I got me a keeper."

He struggled and squirmed but despite his best efforts, nothing worked. How was he to fight her without his boomerangs?

Despite his pleading, she dragged him all the way back to prison. He pouted all the way there, "Stupid spider-people...stupid prison...stupid everything!"

But it wasn't over yet...could Fred learn the true meaning of Christmas?

Fred sat in his cell, he thought and he pondered. He pondered the rest of the night away. He wondered, "Just what does it mean?"

He sighed, "Could Christmas be more than just gifts? Maybe I should be glad I got carpet samples."

He looked at his book of carpet samples and smiled...but then that smile faded, "Wait I hate carpet samples and this cheesy Christmas schlock!"

He threw the book down and stomped on it, "Christmas sucks and I hate it! Especially behind bars! I should be out drinking and having fun, but instead I'm just here alone with a book of carpet samples! What's this still doing in here? Oh right...nobody wants a book of carpet samples!"

And you see, some people say, Boomerang's salt reserves grew three sizes that day.

But don't think it's over yet, for you see we still have one more small tale to tell. A finale with a good ending, I assure you. Because these endings have been dreary and bad...so we're gonna tell one that's sure to make you glad.

I'm not sure why I sometimes rhyme and other times I don't but still let us begin out last story of the night...

A VERY SPIDER-MAN (after) CHRISTMAS

And now, for our final story of the night. This story takes place at the Spider-Man residence. It was the night after Christmas. Right around midnight to be exact. Everyone in the house was sleeping.

Peter Parker and his wife were cuddled together, Ben Reilly was sleeping in a web hammock, the three children were sleeping, and even Kaine was sleeping peacefully in the night down in the basement. What could go wrong this night, you ask?

Plenty could go wrong...but nothing more truly terrifying than what will happen soon...

So what could so bone chillingly frightening that it'd scare the Spiders witless...except Kaine?

It began with a shatter! Despite the loud noise, nobody woke up. Peeking from inside a now smashed window was the Green Goblin! He thought to himself, "I maybe be late for Christmas, but I'm early for New Year's!"

He went inside through the window and peaked around the house. The decorations were still up, and fresh for wrecking!

So that's what he did. He smashed the tree, he tore down the stockings, and he even took each and every sweet treat from their fridge...

But this noise alarmed someone upstairs! Could the Green Goblin handle him alone?

The Green Goblin was wreaking havoc in the kitchen, which was surprisingly not decorated.

But then he heard a thud, and on one of the cabinets was Ben Reilly, the other Spider-Man!

The Goblin looked at Ben with a grin, "Don't you know Santa won't give presents if you don't stay asleep?"

Ben quipped, "Don't you know it isn't Christmas anymore? Besides, Santa you're not!" He shot a web right in Goblin's eyes, blinding him! He screeched, "Ahhh damn it! I liked seeing through those eyes!"

Ben kicked him in the face, sending him off of his glider. The Goblin went down, but he absentmindedly threw a pumpkin bomb, taking Ben off of his feet too. He peeled the webs off and sneered. He threw another bomb, which sent Ben right out the window!

Where he fell and...actually survived. With broken bones, but hey he's still alive.

This clone commotion startled another Spider, one who would not appreciate the Goblin doing that to his stuff.

And that Spider was Kaine. He ran out of the basement as he yelled, "Don't touch my stuff!"

Green Goblin was just getting back on his glider when Kaine tackled him. The Goblin fell down and said, "Ough, that hurt! But it's not gonna hurt as much as what I'm gonna do!"

The Goblin punched Kaine in his face, which only made him angrier. At this point, Kaine decided to summon the Spiders! Lots and losts of Spiders

The Goblin tried to shake them off, but for one he removed, there were two to take their place. It seemed it was over, it was through.

But then one of the spiders caught fire. This spider bumped into another spider, which then bumped into another one, which bumped into another one!

Soon, everything was on fire! Thanks to one spider being burned alive. The smoke rose throughout the house, and the Goblin escaped. But would the Spiders be so fortunate?

Whether you can believe it or not...no.

The Spiders didn't make it out of their house alive, and in fact they were burned before they even made it out of their bedrooms. Even Ben died yet again, despite having survived his broken bones.

The only person who survived was the Green Goblin, who was as triumphant as he ever felt. He ruined Spider-Man and his family once and for all.

That was all he needed for Christmas, even if it was late. And what better Christmas present could there be?

And so ends our little Christmas special.

Wasn't it fun, if short? Well I guess that's it, maybe next year we'll have another fun set of stories to tell. But for now, it's over. You can leave now for the happy ending has come.

So what'd you think?

>>716870

I think I hated it.

I know I hated it.