/lit/ - Literature

it depends on what you're writing.

>>8793

>Does it smack too much of "nice guy" self-insert fantasy?

Not necessarily, if there's been chemistry between the two, he's not acting like a nice guy and the woman actually has something resembling a personality.

>>8793

If you read it and cringed, then it needs to be changed. You're the only one who matters in your writing, unless you're like the GRRM types who are just writing for money.

>>8798

>unless you're like the GRRM types who are just writing for money.

You think GRRM is doing it just for the money? How come? I'm not objecting to it, but I'm curious.

>There's even decent chemistry between these two characters.

You have the idea right here. It is not enough for you as an author to simply state that, you have to show it in the story. Motivation? She may just be looking for a husband, and some stability. A idealized hero of a sort, though not a cinematic one. A display of dramatic heroism is icing on the cake, etc.

If you are cringing, something is not right. I would suspect you are imposing yourself on the character. You don't really know what she wants, nor who she is. Write a scene, or rewrite a few scenes, from her point of view. That's not an easy answer by the way, be prepared for a rocky bastard of a writing session. You may or may not end up using these scenes in the final story, it's worth doing even if they never see the light of day.

>>8800

Well his literature is shit, so if he's actually writing for himself, then he has truly awful taste.

>>8805

I enjoyed what I read of ASOIAF, that being the first and one half of the second book because the brilliant publisher decided to split them up in my country. What's wrong with it?

>>8811

italian?

>>8794

>>8801

Alright I'll explain a little further. Because I have some pretty shitty experiences with women most of which are my own fault. I learned my lesson just in time to lose all motivation to talk to them.

Basically this woman's backstory is, she was married off to an albino dude at age 17 to make her family rich, was treated like the subservient wife for 8 years, never loved him, had all her girlish dreams ruined, etc..

Then he died and her daughter went missing when they attacked, and she barely escaped with her husband's friend who was semi-responsible for the missing daughter because he made mistakes.

Fast forward to them living in a nearby village, big-time protagonist #1 wanders in and after a while they go back to the village to find the girl. After some sneaking around and shooting, they find her and go back, except husband's friend dies.

Later the other village gets BTFO and protagonist and woman flee into forest This is where they hook up, while out trying to hunt with barely any knowledge how to do so.

She says how protagonist #1 is a good guy because he had no stake in finding her daughter, he did it just to be kind (protagonist #1 did it to convince himself he could still do heroic things after he got absolutely rekt and tried to rape a woman while dying but that's a whole nother story), and that her husband's friend did it to assuage his guilt. Says she respects him and wishes he hadn't died but that protagonist #1 is the one who did something truly selfless. Then they start making out and fuck in the woods.

From her point of view, I think part of what drives her love for protagonist #1 is her lack of experience with actually decent men. She was in a loveless marriage since her adolescence, so latching onto the first man she is somewhat attracted to kind of makes sense to me.

Her passion for him becomes important later when she defends her children like momma bear on steroids.

I am rewriting the section right now because I think I found the parts actually making me cringe, once I finish it I will pastebin the short section (~500 words) and you can tell me what you think.

>>8812

Nope, Germany.

>>8816

>tried to rape a woman while dying

who of the two was dying?

>>8828

so they probably did the same in all non- english speaking europe.

i'm very glad i bought the paperbacks in english that btw cost less than one of the fractions of the book.

>>8816

>basically this woman's backstory

As an anon have stated, write it down. If this is going to be something in your head and not in the book, readers might get confused or cringe like you.

>>8831

Is your reading comprehension that bad ? If it were the woman who was dying, it would have been worded as "tried to rape a dying woman." Obviously it's the attempted rapist who's on the verge of death.

>>8831

He was dying of a Ebola-ish zombie-ish disease that had a 90% death rate. He realized he had to pass on his genes before he died because his genetic abilities needed to be passed on because of some destiny "chosen one" stuff that turned out to be garbage. Tried to rape a woman in the next room, one of the female soldiers they were hiding underground with. She wakes up and he is weak as fuck from the disease so he gets BTFO and ends up exiled because of it.

>>8835

I'll make sure to make it clearer. It's given out in bits and pieces. Like when the guy first arrives at town he learns a bit about her, learns more while they are sneaking around the ruined town looking for daughter, learns more after they hook up and she tells him how shitty her wedding night was.

>>8840

Delivar, fagget

>>8893

Delivar what?

>>8960

The written scene. Pretty plz :*

>>8961

http://pastebin.com/MVAvGw7T

Here. It's still pretty autistic, but I haven't worked on it in a while.

>>8793

The sex as a reward is unnatural. Have them kiss and embrace, then maybe an innuendo if it fits the mood.

>>9175

>“God, you must think I'm some kind of whore.”

>“No,” said Orion, “No, I don't think that. I understand.”

Cut this exchange. Makes it sound too much like a stereotypical nice guy fantasy.

>>9072

>>9175

>>9177

Accidentally the wrong post

>>9177

fair enough.

>>9135

It's not meant to be a reward though. I'm trying to work it out as just being a sort of side thing but it's difficult to do. The point is that she's attracted to him anyway. Maybe I should change the dialogue a bit to be more of a "you're alive lets fuck and celebrate" rather than "lol u were nice to me so ill fuck u as reward"

>>9175

I try to write out the conversations as I imagine them in my head. They are already bone thin by this point… perhaps I should poitn that out in the writing.

>>9182

>Maybe I should change the dialogue a bit to be more of a "you're alive lets fuck and celebrate" rather than "lol u were nice to me so ill fuck u as reward"

I would delete the scene and rewrite it entirely. It's hard to change a general impression when you're still working with the same scene.

>>9188

I won't delete it but I'll try writing an alternate version and see which one I like more. But yeah good idea.

I want to keep the "you must think I'm some kind of a whore" line in but I don't want the "no i understand" shit… maybe he just kind of says "no not really" then changes the subject.

They are supposed to fuck there because it's when she gets pregnant (I know that it usually takes more than one sex session but whatever its a book) and it's just kind of part of the story… I just want to make it so it isn't a reward thing. I mean if she was going to reward him with sex she'd do it when she got her daughter back, not a month later in the woods. The entire point is they are starving and she feels horrible and therefore just wants to feel better. Plus she's all in love with him because of reasons. I guess there isn't really reasons for those things.

>>9182

>It's not meant to be a reward though.

but that's what it comes across as

>Yeah. But that's not why you went. You went because you're a good man.”

>She slid a cold hand around Orion's neck, and kissed him.

Here's your problem. It's completely out of the tone of the scene. If they really have to be intimate in that scene and it can't be implied to happen, don't have it there. Suggestion:

>trielle: "you went because you're a good man"

>orion: "its what i had to do" or "it felt like the right thing to do" or something similar because he's not accepting the praise immediately

>trielle smiled warmly at orion feeling at peace in his presence

end scene