Hello /mental/
18 year old diagnosed bipolar, anxiety, PTSD, undiagnosed ADD
So this is what happened:
>TLDR near tipping point during depressive episode, prepare suicide, when I get out of it realize I need to see a shrink again
>Go to shrink, get Geodon, doesn't work in the end and gives me paranoid fits, voluntarily go to mental hospital for three days
At the hospital people were shitting everywhere, dementia patients mainly, there was one guy who went over to my bed and defecated there too, the doors were unlocked, no security, 4-5 out of shape staff on hand, irregular meal times, irregular medication times, no safety at night, people walking into my room and watching me, other patients doing this as well not just staff
>Terrible in there, treated like liability not patient, boring as fuck, get Rispradone and Klonopin
>Get out, decide no more Shrink until I get manic then I realize I need one
>Make an appointment, desperately need meds since my child minded religious nuthead parents throw out my rispradone and klonopin
Have to wait a week for a fucking doctor because I'm poor and I have medicaid
>Fast forward a week of sleepless nights and terrible emotional swings, lack of concentration
>Finally get there go through retarded one hour process wait another thirty minutes
EXCUSE ME SIR, I'm sorry but you said you were getting treatment at the other mental hospital so you discontinued treatment here, you don't have a file anymore (my shrink is trying not to look at me she is a cute young one too would totally sodomize against her will/10) so you have to call this Access Med company and then you can make another appointment, the soonest is one week
>Literally about to go ballistic
>Take my survey sheets throw em out, take the card she gave me chuck it, slam the door on the way out start screaming outside
>Usual weird looks sit in my car for thirty minutes
Now here is the part where I need the meds to control me
>Go on a spree of speeding, cutting people off, near crashes and illegal maneuvers in front of cops and so forth
>Easily hitting 90mph, use special cop U-Turn places to speed down highway then speed down again
>Visit random places for an hour, family thinks I was at shrink
>Cut two people off going at 65mph, possible crash couldn't hear anything but a muffled thump since I was blasting music
>Continue being an asshole and getting into near crashes, skimming massive water barrels and concrete barriers
>See cop car
So first thing I do is slow down, luckily there was another car similar to mine right?
>He proceeds to follow other car
>mfw speed by and no fucks given
>mfw I got away with everything
>mfw I have no face
Well since I have free government shit health insurance from Obama, can't hold a job or go to school, can't see a doctor, stuck living with 6 other people in a cramped two bedroom apartment, /mental/ I come to ask:
How do I convince myself to kill myself? I just need that push. See this medical center I went to is SHIT and they let me schedule an appointment and think everything is fine and just turn me away at the last second, when that happened it was a miracle I didn't punch the desk lady's fat disgusting spanish face in.
Just tell me how to do it. Maybe you can convince me to do it. Help me do it.