/mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders

I've noticed lately that sometimes when lying in bed that I'll face one side, as if someone is there, though I know really there is'nt, and I'll raise my middle finger.

Similarly, I'll tell someone in my head, again who I really know isn't there, to "fuck off." It's subtle and odd.

Maybe it's something that isn't a person I'm hurling profanity at.

I burned the bible out of anger from my parents telling me things like "God has a plan for you" or they will say "God allowed the bad things in your life to happen for a reason. There's so much shit in my life that I have went through and I think that it has fucked me up mentally. If I die soon and there is a hell then I guess I deserve to be there for being this way.

>>12350

I hear ya. I'm not really shy anymore, I can talk to people no problem. I just don't really like to, I prefer being alone. But oh god when I'm on my own I don't shut up. I have like full blown conversations out loud between the two halves of my brain without even realising most of the time. I always joke with myself that i am my own best friend and i can talk with myself about anything.

The other week I had a massive rant about Microsoft (fuck their shitty hotmail website), my mum told me she heard me swearing at someone on the phone and looked alnost scared when i told her the massive expletive-filled tirade was entirely a one person affair.

I've been caught by so many people IRL talking to myself when I think there's nobody around.

I have a fantasy world which I've maintained since childhood. It's a political simulation to sum it up quickly. There are wars, which are usually arguments or fights but sometimes there's also civil wars, which is inner turmoil. Talking to other people is diplomacy. Whenever I listen to songs I imagine it's being played on the national radio. Whenever I need encouragement or motivation I imagine some sort of propaganda campaign in the nation. Other people are different nations. There's also invasions, usually of people I really hate. I enjoy thinking of these tiny troops being transported to the other person and just bombing the fuck out of their nation and capturing parts of it. I watch this https://youtu.be/zq6KiTXkcQM every time there's a specific operation. Mostly I watch that for the civil wars. I imagine the battle is taking place inside me. If I get physically hurt there are ambulances which are rushed to the scene of the physical pain. Emotional problems are symbolized with the economy. My first and only relationship ended quickly and pretty badly for me so there was a complete economic collapse. The foreign relations ministry always has its staff fired because I used to be a social retard and it's not much better now. The current foreign minister has actually been in office for several months now and she's doing really well. This can be attributed to risperidone, that shit boosts the economy and makes the workers better. I name some of the ministers, and one of the generals had a name. There's also a football (soccer) league. I have a paper which lists all the teams and even full squads of the first division. Too bad the latest FIFA games don't let you create fantasy leagues. Sometimes I imagine matches and there's commentary too. I spent quite a bit of time imagining the defensive wall once (my skin). It's a multi-layered metal wall with turrets and places for the soldiers and vehicles. There's specific events that correlate to real world events. For example a fight where someone brought me to the ground but I quickly got up has corresponding happenings in the simulation. In that case there was a brief power outage but power was swiftly restored. It makes me feel a little good to correlate events like this. There's a national media which reports sometimes on events that happen and my opinion is presented in the reports. There's also tourism between people. Some foreign tourists were arrested recently when someone fell out of favour with me and there wasn't enough time for them to leave but I released them because relations improved. Yes I realize that was a dick move. It's pretty much a dictatorship. Maybe that's why there aren't many tourists. I don't really see people in real life either so it works. ;_; That's all I can think of for now but I'm sure other things have happened.

>>12318

>I carry on lengthy(hours at a time) conversations with things that no one else can see.

Does calling your appliances by a name count as this too?

I fucking wished that my two washers could talk like Toaster or Wittgenny the Supercomputer, fuck having no friends.

Yeah, I watched Brave Little Toaster a bit too much.

Not noticeable at all since I manage to stop myself, but sometimes whilst I'm at work doing idle things, I might think about kissing someone and I almost pout or make out with thin air.

>>12363

Yeah, I do this shit too. Usually when I'm annoyed about something I start talking to myself.

I've noticed that I end up sort of lecturing my dog about some subjects, usually about history. It would have been interesting to be a history teacher for underschool kids. Kids of that age are willing to ask questions

>>12365

That's incredible. I don't know whether I should be impressed or scared by that amount of imagination.

>>12381

Not the person you're replying to, but you'd be surprised what vast and complex things people can come up with when they feel isolated or disconnected from the outside world. Often those who start feeling this early in childhood will subconsciously "retreat" into a sort of fantasy land and that is where it all begins. Shoot, I've gotten myself to the point where the "universe" I've maintained and created is pretty much on auto-pilot, the people and events within all happen independently without me interfering and I just sort of 'watch over it' as it goes by. In a disturbing sense, I'm basically a god of it that has been able to give them free will…I even recall some of the folks not liking me and trying to rebel against me in some ways or another, but it matters not as I love them anyways. Of course, I'm not the most stable of individuals so this may be nothing more than the effects of mental disorder.

One thing that bugs me, though, is that a recent star trek episode I watched really made me question what defines something as living or real. The plot had to do with a guy who created a town where everyone and everything was a hologram because he was so alone. The holograms were so lifelike, that the man became attached to them. The holograms even had emotions, desires, wills, personalities, you name it. When it was discovered that source of the 'problems' the town was having was due to the hologram generator malfunctioning, the man who had the machine placed there came to terms with what they were and wished the machine shut off because they weren't really 'alive' in a biological sense. The crew that repaired the machine argued that these holograms had their own desires, emotions, wills and personalities and as such, they were alive indeed. Not necessarily life as we know it, but alive nonetheless. I sometimes wonder if the creations I have created are alive as well. They have everything like those holograms, they also grow, change, and even make peace and war between eachother from time to time.

But in any case, I'm just crazy old me in the end. The cynical part of me just wants to attribute it to the madness that plagues me and that it's nothing but a byproduct of it. The idealist thinks it is a real and living thing. But the stoic wins as always, saying that it does not matter what it comes from or its nature, but what matters is that it is here and that it is good.

Well into my teens, I ate paper.

I take in stray animals.

I pace back and forth for hours almost every day. I have my best ideas during this time. I remember them all, but I rarely write them down. I feel like my brain functions best during this period. Sometimes it's a business idea or a story idea. I'll pace back and forth and map it out. Girls I've dated don't like it. My cats don't either. Shadow, god rest her soul, would get square in the middle of my path, and then as I passed she'd reach a paw out and meow at me like "Dude, stop."

Oh fuck here goes

I used to fantasize i was some jacked blonde dude that was hugging and cuddling and laying with all the other Sailor Moons and shit, (big sperg and I didn't know what fucking was yet) we'd just rub our bodies on each other. It got weird at some point and we were cuddling and kissing in poop, big giant massive things of poop. Idk I used to think of it for maybe a couple months. Just while laying in bed before falling asleep, then i either did it less and less or just stopped all at once I can't say.