Anonymous 11/04/14 (Tue) 05:26:50 No. 1767
Does anyone else wish for that final push to drive you completely insane?
Anonymous 11/04/14 (Tue) 05:46:40 No. 1770
All the time.
Anonymous 11/04/14 (Tue) 06:24:10 No. 1774
I have these thoughts sometimes too. I just want an excuse to go nuts, get sent to a funny farm, and live out the rest of my days there.
Anonymous 11/04/14 (Tue) 15:21:19 No. 1852
Oh god, yes. I really, really just want to burn things. Literally. I want to burn buildings. It's all I want to do anymore.
Anonymous 11/04/14 (Tue) 23:56:49 No. 1935
>>1767 It's not worth it. I did this and you just get sent to a mental hospital till you're on meds and stable. Then when you get out you constantly have to feel guilty and crazy around people that know what happened like family.
Anonymous 11/05/14 (Wed) 04:41:41 No. 1967
Yes. I can't give a fuck any more. I just sit on my ass and play vidya all day long. The worst part is that I can see exactly where this will end up, but I simply can't motivate myself to get my shit together. I'm tired of being lucid.
Anonymous 11/05/14 (Wed) 07:42:00 No. 1983
I'm already disconnected from this world in more ways than are bearable. Might as well go all the way.
Anonymous 11/05/14 (Wed) 08:36:30 No. 1985
>>1767 I just wish I would. I have this thoughts that are almost invasive in my mind of fucking murdering people. I'd love it even more to do it in front of others. I just want to snap, to go insane. To have a reason to follow through with these wicked thoughts in my head. I don't know what's wrong with me but there's obviously something.
Anonymous 11/05/14 (Wed) 13:01:23 No. 1990
Paranoid Schizoprenia
Anonymous 11/05/14 (Wed) 18:53:01 No. 2022
>>1767 Quick fixes don't work.
I feel the same way too.
Anonymous 11/06/14 (Thu) 01:29:43 No. 2051
I struggle with BPD and sperg (No really it's possible I guess) and I wish for it every day. I could finally snap, enter my state of emotional turmoil 5ever, and either get drugged up to where I don't know who I am, or off myself.
Anonymous 11/06/14 (Thu) 05:57:39 No. 2068
I don't know about you but my time in a mental hospital was some of the most peaceful days I ever had. No worries about the outside world and something to do every hour. I didn't like sharing a room because my roommate kept waking up to say he heard voices; finally he admitted "Guess I do belong in here after all."
Anonymous 11/06/14 (Thu) 15:56:23 No. 2107
>>1767 No. Been there, done that, don't want to go back.
I went insane a few years back. Anger, depression, lashing out at people, the lot. And a few years before that again. Nearly killed myself, decided against it at the last minute, then went home and blocked everyone I was sick of on IMs.
Therapy kinda helped with that.
Mostly, I just want to be NOT depressed. Not angry, not insane.
I don't want to be normal, but I want to be myself again. Happy, like I used to be. Part of something, going somewhere, with a future.
Gaming helps a LOT with destructive urges. And my urge to build and create, as well.
Hell, the other day I FINALLY organised my bookmark folders. Now I can find things easier!
Anonymous 03/12/15 (Thu) 18:36:35 No. 8362
>>1767 >Well, after all he's been through, we can't really blame him for snapping like he did Thing is they won't understand. Society will continue to hold the moral high ground even though it's society that creates us.
And also finally… Someone I relate to. I know these feels
Anonymous 03/12/15 (Thu) 20:42:50 No. 8367
>>2107 >Hell, the other day I FINALLY organised my bookmark folders. Now I can find things easier!
Anonymous 03/13/15 (Fri) 00:14:01 No. 8382
Anonymous 03/13/15 (Fri) 06:27:00 No. 8392
>>1767 Oh, well I'd kill myself were that not a horrible, horrible use of my personal resources and abiltiies.
Anonymous 03/13/15 (Fri) 06:27:28 No. 8393
>>1852 >>8392 Oh, yeah, also I want to kick and scream and fight or flee etc
Anonymous 03/13/15 (Fri) 10:51:49 No. 8401
What did you all do to suggest you went off the rails? I'd like to get admitted, not arrested.
Anonymous 03/13/15 (Fri) 18:02:19 No. 8406
I envy the people who break completely. Some of them recover, I know few who did.
Anonymous 03/14/15 (Sat) 01:11:21 No. 8409
>go to sisters bfs birthday party >help set shit up >pretty tired and down today >sit minding own business on phone >people coming up to me asking what's wrong and shit >thinking about traumatic childhood, my inability to socialise, how I'll die alone and there is a means but no end to almost everything, it's all pointless >phone battery dies so I sit staring at the table >outspoken auntie calls me rude, ironically in a very rude manner >my tired and sad demeanor turns to one of anger >me, parents and auntie finally get hom >threaten to cut my mum in her sleep, walk off for a few minutes ranting and raving about mass murder and suicide, call Christian aunties views outdated after she tells me to pray >tie sock around neck…
Anonymous SAGE! 03/28/15 (Sat) 14:07:30 No. 8764
oh god I know that feeling
Anonymous 05/08/15 (Fri) 13:34:44 No. 9566
Sometimes when someone is getting shitty with me I'm hoping they do something that justifies me kicking the shit out of them. That's about it.
Anonymous 05/08/15 (Fri) 18:17:47 No. 9574
>>9566
Heh, this. Every day i wish someone would say some shit to me, or do something that would justify me punching them in the face and stepping on their throats untill they cough up blood and die. But, no one does that.
When i log in to online communities, i pray someone will say something so autistic that i can just rant at them to my hearts content, but no one does that.
I mean, people do retarded shit to others all the time, i guess they just sense the crazy coming off me.
Anonymous 05/08/15 (Fri) 19:30:27 No. 9578
I'd rather just disappear.
Anonymous 05/08/15 (Fri) 20:24:00 No. 9580
Heh, that'll probably be a fun day, with a shitty aftermath.
Anonymous 05/09/15 (Sat) 01:29:32 No. 9583
Yeah, and the fact that it might not, that I might actually have to live a life, that my life is just going to continue getting invariably worse as opposed to reaching any semblance of a plateau just makes everything so much harder.
Anonymous 05/10/15 (Sun) 00:43:41 No. 9593
>mfw this would probably happen one day here at home
I've threatened my parents numerous times with knives or anything else that's sharp or heavy and blunt (my Toughbook for example), but never really hit them, I guess it will happen soon.
Not that I give a shit about my parents anymore, the last 6-7 years they haven't got me any results.
Anonymous 05/10/15 (Sun) 10:55:46 No. 9608
>>9593
you would better go to mental hospital bro
Anonymous 05/10/15 (Sun) 15:53:24 No. 9611
>>9593
Don't harm other people in your madness, that's just not on.
Harm yourself, destroy yourself, but don't inflict it on others.
Anonymous 05/10/15 (Sun) 17:01:30 No. 9612
>>9611
what about harming bad people
Anonymous 05/11/15 (Mon) 04:06:44 No. 9625
>>9612
You're not batman. Don't try to be batman.
Anonymous 05/11/15 (Mon) 04:22:47 No. 9626
>>9625
it'd be one hell of a ride though!
Anonymous 05/12/15 (Tue) 18:02:02 No. 9665
>>8367
They were really fucking disorganised, and huge-ass folders of misc junk.
I'm slowly working through all my files, tossing them into appropriate folders, sorting and deleting things, etc.
Next up is my bedroom. I'm prepping for a music festival in a few weeks, so I'm slowly becoming buried in Useful Stuff as I chew through my shopping list.
But the storage crates arrived the other day, so I can start sorting things into them.
Anonymous 05/14/15 (Thu) 13:35:55 No. 9694
>>8409
Traumatic chillhood ?
Anonymous 05/20/15 (Wed) 22:17:57 No. 9822
>>9694
Yes, I made a post in the fucked up childhood stories thread. With the Bowie video.
Anyway, I walked out of work today, the intrusive thoughts telling me to walk out got to me and I submitted to them. This can only get worse
Anonymous 05/21/15 (Thu) 03:07:26 No. 9828
>>9578
Same here, but going going completely insane and getting permanently stuck in a fantasy world where everything is perfect is the next best thing.
Anonymous 05/27/15 (Wed) 21:49:11 No. 9961
I always have the thought of self inducing amphetamine psychosis in myself. I love speed and I have enough control to not use it that often, but what if I did? What if I just went 'fuck it' and bought a shit ton of it and went to town until my mind is mush? What now, world?
I wish I could make myself really really stupid, so much that I'd be so fucked in the head I'd be happy all the time. All I'd need is food and a toy train or something and I will be satisfied in life forever.
Anonymous 06/20/15 (Sat) 18:18:35 No. 10429
Yes. I would have lost it long ago but I have a wife and children now and I keep it together for them, but everything in my life right now is just too much. The love for my family outweighs the pain, but the scales are balanced close and I'm not sure when the scales will tip the other way.
Anonymous 06/21/15 (Sun) 20:34:27 No. 10452
>>10429
What is your pain?
Anonymous 06/23/15 (Tue) 06:45:52 No. 10484
>>1767
If I still prayed, this is the one thing I would pray for. The feeling on being on the edge for so long, the break would be the ultimate selfish mercy. Immediately after comes suicide, but the break, it will be sweet.
>>9593
I know this resignation, I've been there. I couldn't do it in the end, had to kill myself instead. Luckily I was pussyfooted and lived to find a therapist and an accurate diagnosis of harm, purely obsessive OCD and find out that there's a life beyond that desire for it to end and the life is sweeter.
I still feel like it will happen some day but for now I have patience and general peace.
>>9608
I second this and also think you should move out of your parent's place asap. Removing the main obsession makes the turn around so much easier than trying to fight through it.
I got kicked out for trying to kill myself and threatening to murder my father. If I had stayed, I would have tried again.
>>9625
I've tried that, substituting someone else for the person I was fixating on, it does not work and I got blackout drunk instead of following through with the plan because I couldn't do it.
Even so, the break is still appealing sometimes.
Anonymous 06/24/15 (Wed) 14:23:51 No. 10517
>>1767
>go nuts
>get taken to mental hospital
>come out a genius
Anonymous 06/24/15 (Wed) 17:53:20 No. 10525
>>10484
tfw when i threaten my parents about killing them, no one takes me seriously
Anonymous 08/31/15 (Mon) 03:59:40 No. 11419
YouTube embed. Click thumbnail to play. >>1767
>Does anyone else wish for that final push to drive you completely insane?
YES. I want a rich fantasy world and a whole new wonderful personality like Holmes in They Might Be Giants. Knowing my fucking luck, I'll end up like Sam Neill in In The Mouth of Madness.
Anonymous 09/02/15 (Wed) 07:23:08 No. 11443
>>9961
I've thought of this before, then feel guilty afterwards.
>tfw self-aware
Ignorance is bliss.
Anonymous 09/09/15 (Wed) 02:15:05 No. 11552
>>9961
I have thought of trying to trigger mania with it. If it's even possible.
Anonymous 11/25/15 (Wed) 13:13:22 No. 12370
After on/off therapy by my own admission for 2 years and nothing ever changing, I've decided I'll rather slowly sabotage my life until I reach psychosis.
Fucking shitty NHS. People can blame me but I tried to get help
Anonymous 11/27/15 (Fri) 00:36:55 No. 12376
Schizoaffective here. I had one episode where I had a bunch of vivid dreams going from one to the other. Many of them involved being in a mental hospital interestingly enough. When I woke up it half felt like it was another dream. I really enjoyed the dreams. It was like fucking drugs man. So I decided I wanted what half felt like real life to be a dream too and I started acting like it was. I ended up in hospital. Then I decided to troll everyone by saying that I am a messenger bringing a new system of logic to the world where contradictions are allowed. That shit was fucking awesome! It felt so good. I started getting really into it and I talked loudly to myself about it in my room. I wish that could happen again. It was so amazing just not giving a single fuck about the miserable mess that is my life. I dropped out of school for the third time this month, I think I'm in a pre-episode. I just hope it will last for a long time this time, the first one was just a week.
Anonymous 11/27/15 (Fri) 09:14:35 No. 12379
>>12376
That's hilarious anon
Anonymous 11/27/15 (Fri) 20:46:15 No. 12383
>>12379
I saw everything as a big joke. That was my second episode, was just a couple of months ago. It's what got me the diagnosis. Sometimes I think nothing was wrong and I was just pretending, but I think it's more like I just went along with what I felt.
Anonymous 11/28/15 (Sat) 20:21:48 No. 12390
>>12376
I've been there anon. This state of mind is our redemption. You can actually function in society like that as long as you keep it on the down low. You'll have to learn mental discipline though to make sure your mind goes where you want it to instead of becoming a slave to psychosis..
Anonymous 12/01/15 (Tue) 13:47:18 No. 12399
>>12370
Me again…
I've been becoming increasingly agitated and aggressive at work recently. I snapped at one of my workmates when I had to repeat myself saying something.
I'm done, probably going in tomorrow or ever again
Anonymous 12/02/15 (Wed) 23:28:01 No. 12412
>>12399
It won't work unless you have some genetic predisposition
Anonymous 12/03/15 (Thu) 11:13:13 No. 12415
>>12412
Doesn't matter right now. I've been much happier these last couple of days. I'm still having a few homicidal thoughts but they're not bothering me today
Anonymous 12/03/15 (Thu) 18:45:02 No. 12416
Anonymous 02/28/16 (Sun) 07:21:44 No. 12762
>>1767
Sometimes I feel like insanity would make me more creative and let me see beyond the herd in some ways. Is there truth in madness? Only the mad are truly free from social constructs.
Anonymous 03/05/16 (Sat) 22:22:12 No. 12781
Histrionic personality disorder would be a fun way to lose it. You would slide from being a dramatic manipulative slut to being a sociopath or something.