>>2185Lobsterdog was me.
Continuing:
I do not feel depressed.
I have difficulty sleeping. I have difficulty eating. I am usually quite nauseous in the morning which contributes to me not eating. I'm underweight. I have little energy for things. It gets harder and harder to walk to the bus stop for class.
I see myself as a burden to my friends and family, and now that I've involved myself in the health system I'm now taking away resources that could be used for a patient with much more severe case than me. I had attempted in my teens during highschool to hang myself, also after much consideration that I'm headed nowhere.
> Reasons:1. If I had not been around, I'd have saved my parents hundreds of thousands of dollars. Dollars they could have used to better themselves or my siblings.
Similarly, I'll save my family more money by having my exit sooner than next year.
2. I wasted time. I had no energy to get out and volunteer, and for that I cannot compete with my peers. I have been unemployed for 3 years, and rejected/not received callbacks for any jobs. I have too much pride and am a dumb fuck for not just sucking up a shitty McJob where I hate myself every day.
3. My circles of friends all have their parents pay for everything. Half of them don't even pay for their own phone bill. This has given them a stark advantage against me. I will not ever come close to their success, and they wish me to take "any damn job" so I will be stuck and not have to be competition.
4. The research assistants, TAs and other grad students are clique-y and horrible people.
5. I will never have the grades to achieve my dream.
6. The people in positions/good careers have specific conditions met that allowed for it to happen. I do not have any of these and will never have any of these. My dice came up short, and everyone just wants to say deep down "suck it up and take what you've been dealt".
Stories of picking yourself up are too rare occurrences to be useful. They're used to keep people complacent and unrealistically optimistic. People see themselves as 'temporarily embarrassed millionaires', and that as long as they stay and "work hard" they will eventually be chosen by hollywood/someone and be rich and famous.
7. There is absolutely nothing any of the few good people in the world can do.
I do not have a pessimistic or depressed view. This is being realistic. To delude myself into thinking things will get better is just a sham. If anyone really cares, they'll see that: my future is set and it's terrible. Would you be any more unrealistically optimistic if our situations were switched? Would you like me telling you to lie to yourself that it'll all be okay, just so I can dismiss you and move on, knowing full well you're fucked and I've got it so much better?
I don't want to ever let tomorrow come, because that means I have to wake up. Waking up means another day where nothing changes, that I'm just closer to the inevitable realization that I should not be here. There is nothing on my horizon.
People will say "yeah lol life is suffering, man up." but it's just so they know one more person is suffering along with them. One more person will join them in fearing death and scurrying around, cheating, stealing, lying, all justified in their fear of death.
Same with telling people about this. They will ask you to stay alive for their sake. Which is infuriatingly dismissive. Their suffering of my disappearance will only marginally affect them for a fraction of their life.
I've been afraid to write anything down for fear someone I know will get a hold of it and run with it, removing my free will by getting me hospitalized. I may remember more of my justifications soon.