A bit of a stream of consciousness post, so please feel free to ignore it if you don't like that kind of thing. This seemed like the appropriate board for it.As cliche as it is, I feel like I'm utterly dead inside.I've been pushing myself hard, but

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Anonymous 11/19/14 (Wed) 16:42:23 No.3466

A bit of a stream of consciousness post, so please feel free to ignore it if you don't like that kind of thing. This seemed like the appropriate board for it.

As cliche as it is, I feel like I'm utterly dead inside.

I've been pushing myself hard, but I always fail because I have no goals in mind and don't believe that I can succeed at anything. So usually I end up putting myself in situations where I have to perform, but end up sabotaging myself because I don't believe in myself.

I also feel no allegiance to anything, from my family to "human values" or whatever the fuck. I don't like or love anyone, I don't believe there's anything good that can come from people, so I usually just ignore them. Most of the time when someone makes a joke I don't laugh. When they make a statement expecting a reaction, I just say "okay".

My face is a stone mask. I'm not scared of people per se, but I'm sure this is one of the things that make me bad with them. I don't enjoy their company or feel any interest towards them either, and of course there's few things that are as off-putting. In general, I don't want to create anything or contribute to humanity in any way because it seems indifferent at best and hostile at worst.

Going to university was a mistake it seems. Even though I tried hard, I still gained nothing from it. I was hoping that would change with the MSc, but so far it hasn't.

I fell utterly powerless because life seems random and unpredictable and effort is not rewarded. Guess I should just wait until I die, because I swear I can't find a single thing worth fighting for that is achievable and every time I seem to be making progress, reality just ups the difficulty.

22 years have amounted to nothing. No relationships, no achievements, no happiness. I'm tired. I'm so very, very, very, very fucking tired.

Anonymous 11/19/14 (Wed) 18:11:47 No.3474

You got up to university level, that's an achievement.

You sound like you're burned out in a sense.

Anonymous 11/19/14 (Wed) 18:26:06 No.3476

I can relate to a lot of this.

Do you have any idea what you may have?

Anonymous 11/21/14 (Fri) 21:16:03 No.3656

>>3474
Yeah, I think so. One can only go so long without almost any external support. But thanks, I guess it is something of an achievement.

>>3476
Probably Depression. I was treated for it, but I guess it wasn't long enough. As a poorfag student I didn't have the money to continue though.

Anonymous 11/22/14 (Sat) 22:41:04 No.3737

>>3656
Going without external support isn't an an achievement, it's an excercise in masochism. You should be able to lean on people you know a little.

Anonymous 11/23/14 (Sun) 03:46:57 No.3754

>>3737
>You should be able to lean on people you know a little.

Well, I guess I do somewhat, but I don't think I do it to the same extent as people around me. Also, I look at it the same way as I do at eating. I just need my daily(or I guess weekly) "fix" of interaction.

Anonymous 11/23/14 (Sun) 12:13:37 No.3771

>>3737
There's nobody I trust enough to burden with my issues, however.

They'll either turn on me, leave me, or just use them against me.
It's never not happened when I try and rely on people.

Anonymous 11/23/14 (Sun) 13:19:50 No.3775

>>3771
How many people have you trusted?

Were they of a similar "group"? Can you find people outside that "group"?

Is it possible you scared them by being to intense?

Anonymous 11/23/14 (Sun) 20:47:26 No.3791

Are you constantly wondering what makes other people tick?

Do nihilists make you upset?

Anonymous 11/24/14 (Mon) 11:03:54 No.3831

>>3791
I am a nihilist, more or less. But yeah, I'm wondering what makes people tick and I have consumed an enormous amount of literature on this topic.

Anonymous 11/24/14 (Mon) 14:54:17 No.3842

>>3831
Kek, then you would appear to be of a different species.

Anyway, objective truth in this world may never be fully defined, but as math has proven to us we can get closer and closer. We can define what definitely *isn't* objective truth. We can filter truth through the test of time and see which survives, thrives, and leads to greater heights. For all intents and purposes, it might as well be objective truth, because someone dead certainly can't uphold subjectivity.

And when you embody ideas like truth and justice, you become immortal. You may be killed but you will not die. You may look and sound completely different but you will still be alive.