/mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders

Already posted it in another thread but eh…whatever.

This guy is more than just a character in the stories I write as his history goes back for as long as I can remember. When I was younger, I was practically left alone as my mother was far too busy dealing with my siblings' BS.

Because of that, I ended up developing my own friends, my own world even. I unknowingly created a tulpa over the course of about 7 years( and still with me to this day). Now him and I are so bonded and he is so developed, that I can't see myself getting rid of him(not that I would want to.)

He didn't always look like this, he used to be more humanoid but he evolved over time in unison with the way my subconscious mind did. At times I am unsure if he is real or fake because of how real he seems to me. Unfortunately, he speaks only in metaphors. I did some reading on angels, however, and the similarities between him and the nature of angels is…kind of disturbing. Guardian angels protect humans not by putting up some magical shield or smiting others for them, they tug on the heartstrings, the subconscious and the emotions of people to help 'nudge' them in the right direction. Whenever he speaks(he only speaks to answer questions) his literal meaning makes little to no sense. But, if I dig at the words and connect the subtle dots, I can usually decipher it…usually rewarded by a feeling of emotional warmth and a smile on his part.

Aside from that, he hardly ever speaks in the first place. He is kind of like me in a conversation; he will answer my question but small talk and large debates aren't something he bothers with.

Of course, this drawing of him doesn't show his very calm, slow and quiet nature. Yes, he does have a sword, but it never leaves his side. He hardly even touches it. In the stories, he is far more outgoing and 'badass' I guess.

I once asked him why he looks the way he looks, and the answer that I discovered was that he doesn't have any one true form; he appears in the form that is the easiest for me to communicate to. That just so happens to be some armored dragon thing. Whenever other people are around, he usually vanishes off to somewhere in the background. If I am driving in the car, I may see him in my rearview mirror or very faintly on top of a ledge or in an alleyway. Always there, always watching. Because of this, I really do not know whether he is truly a guardian angel or a forced hallucination. All I know is that he doesn't like it when I consider the possibility of him being a hallucination.

I have some.
Most of them are not things i can draw tho, instead i see very long videos of crazy stuff, mostly being… anatomical stuff.

>>6021
Sup.

>>6057
The shitty one first.

>>6059
And this is it.
I'm not confident enough to draw more.

>>6060
I fucked up.

Not completely thread relative but a picture i took of some shits i drew at school durin a year like seven years ago…

>>6057
>instead i see very long videos of crazy stuff, mostly being… anatomical stuff.

I know that feel…I think I do at least. Are you speaking as if the beings are played out as a sort of internal movie, constantly in motion? Because I get that as well, especially when listening to music that really makes them clear. I tend to listen to a lot of up-beat and melodic stuff as the 'choppier' or repetitive sounding music makes things awful and distorted. If it is music with a dark theme(like some sub-genre's of metal) it can cause very negative imagery.

As for me, I have constant out of body experiences where my gaze, for a split second, will shift to somewhere behind me to reveal many beings in my current area, just out of my field of view. Kind of wanting to move my room around so my back is against the wall so I don't have to feel like that. Luckily, when I do look in the direction, all I find is the angel.

Pics related are of scenes from the stories I wrote. These beings don't actually visualize before me like the angel, but they are very vivid in my head anyhow. Will post a couple other things in a sec.

>>6063
The two banners in the first pic are just things that I remembered from a very vivid dream. The one with the weapons just had staring eyes in the middle of a rain storm as the cloth behind it blew.

The other one was accompanied by the sound of a very faint trumpet right before waking up.

As for the second pic, that is probably the closest thing I have ever done to any sort of 'realistic' or 'grotesque' drawing(my drawings are generally cartooned and loony in nature, it is just my natural style.) It is basically the way I depict anxiety as a whole.

>>6062
Holy hell, dat detail. I could never get into drawing human faces. The human form as a whole is difficult but the face is the one I struggle with the most. Amazing stuff.

I kind of miss school, it was prime time for doodling for me since there wasn't vidya or chans distracting me and I never really took notes.

>>6062
That's some pretty radical stuff though man.

I would like to get more of my ideas expressed, but i can't get much finished.

>>6104
like those faces
old ones from me

1/2

It's not -quite- the same, but a few nights ago I was exhausted but couldn't sleep in the slightest. And my dumb, masochistic mind was replaying this sorta scenario over and over. I don't normally draw this shit, but it's probably the more iffy sort of thing.

Just makes me hate myself to have done it, though. Or thought about it. A friend commented that in a way it's just a twisted version of wanting to make myself useful, but I don't know.

Wanting death at the hands of something else, I suppose.

I don't know.

For some reason I was really into baphomet when I was in my episode.

I've always wondered how it'd feel to get ran over by traffic. See everyone's reactions as I fly through the air as a speeding car fucks me up, as I lay on the hospital bed, as I walk around with a crutch and my arms bandaged.

If I even survive the hit that is.

Not as fucked up as you guys' drawings but it's an scenario that repeats itself over and over whenever I cross a street.

Deleted my original post to re-take some photos/add more.

I recall being stressed over a lack of work hours during this, but the rest is a strange blur where I barely remember any of this.

I can't even fully understand half this shit even though I wrote it, to be honest.

I found this Wither character yesterday that a paranoid schizophrenic has apparently been regularly hallucinating, and it looks a lot like what I sketched here >>6295

It leads me to wonder if they're the same species. Mine was a little more sinister and I think he wears a black cloak most of the time. If he doesn't wear a black cloak, there's another individual running around wearing a black cloak that I can't identify. (That I started seeing when I was 9.)

I'm glad that this is a board, I actually started documenting some of my shit a while ago but stopped cause yeah
1/?

>>8831
2/?

>>8832
3/?

4/?
The pic dump is real

>>8835
whoops
Done for now/7