/monster/ - The Last Bastion of Romance

>>146718

I still think that the outbreak though is a placebo affect

>>146798

For now I agree. The study hasn't shown any results. We'll see next year.

>>146925

Unless you dispel the placebo effect it's still believed.

Anyways I gotta go help Millie milk herself. Probably won't be back till later tonight seeing how Milking always leads into sex, not that I'm complaining.

Hey guys this is Nicole. I was gonna ask your input on this. I asked anon if working at the same place he does would be a good idea, which is a really nice bar/grill. He seemed pretty enthusiastic about the idea, so I think he's on board with it. I'm a bit nervous about applying though, I haven't really done a service job before. Any pointers to help?

>>146936

Also it's legal for me to get a job right?

>>146990

Just contact your handler and get some forums, everything here in the US is paperwork so they can furnish a work permit for you

>>146692

I'm hosting this dragon girl who's trying to act uninterested in me and keeps failing miserably and adorably

>>147066

Were you the guy with Elizabeth, the dragon with a broken wing or someone else?

It's Harper's housemate. Unlike so many of you, I don't seem to have a demi-human wo is interested in romance. She says the last thing she needs is more legal trouble. That's why she also wouldn't drive on public streets even though it probably would have gone unnoticed because she was sufficiently good as a driver.

I asked about the full moon thing, and she said it just makes weaker-willed individuals unable to conceal their true natures, whether those are good or bad. I asked if that included her and she said "sometimes", so of course I had to know what "true nature" might be revealed and she said "I act my age". This might be why she has turned into a cranky old lady when angered the last couple days, or that might be how she is all the time. Even she's not sure since she hasn't been around anyone who annoyed her for long enough since the treatment.

I asked her if she had any resemblance to Slappy Squirrel, and she didn't know who that was, so we ended up getting stoned again and watching Animaniacs on DVD for a while. Then we degenerated into watching Aqua Teen Hunger Force, which she also had not heard of. We got high some more. She asked if whether I'm Frylock, trying to keep the idiots around me from trashing the place – or whether she's Frylock, and I'm Carl or something. Now that episode with eyeball Carl is going to be more painful than usual.

>>146645

Pre-made coffee is expensive. Ground coffee or roasted coffee beans are much cheaper. Besides, it might not be all that bad an idea to keep roasted coffee beans around for her to munch on.

You can get decent coffee starting at about $2.50 a pound, up to about $8 for the really good stuff. It took me a while but I found a pretty good tasting $2.50/lb. coffee under the brand name of "Plasset", but it tastes even better (for the same price) if you grind the beans yourself because they stay fresher that way.

Harper has indeed started to make it up to me for the $100 she borrowed. Stepfather's not a stoner, but his neighbors are, and she came back from driving practice with an eighth of an ounce of really dank weed. Holy shit I was mad faded, and I think she was too.

Harper says the "tidal" theory of full moon influence is bullshit. Slithen is a landlocked, desert country and they still experience full moon effects. She says the number of vagrants found dead the morning after a full moon spikes, but then she also says this could well be "clean-up crews" operating when they have the most plausible deniability. Still, they too have the cultural understanding that full moon influences behavior in strange ways.

She's too busy fumbling with my bass guitar to come to the keyboard. Fumbling because it's strung backward for her, and because they don't use 12 tones to the octave in Slithen music, they use a subset of 31-tone equal. Most Western music maps onto this system and sounds good, so they do play some human compositions on their instruments. If they need 12-tone instruments to play music that doesn't translate well, they just buy them from us.

She made a weird contraption out of a rag, duct tape, and a thumb pick that she's wearing on her left arm to play the strings. She's not naturally left-handed but most Slithen are, so that's how their instruments are built, which means that's how she learned to play. They have right-handed instruments as well but they're not as common and thus hard to find used (which equals cheap).

She also wants me to correct some inaccurate information from the CIA Fact Book. Whether they distorted things or merely tried to simplify them for Americans, or whether they just plain got them wrong, she's not sure.

● Their venom is highly toxic to humans. They could kill a honey badger easily just because of the sheer amount of venom they could inject, but it's not any more deadly than normal, and they are partially resistant to it as well. It will take them down (out of battle) but generally isn't lethal. Of course, laying on the battlefield, paralyzed, is a pretty good way to get killed all by itself.

● "A vegan slith? The fuck is that? A slith that doesn't like meat is like a whore that doesn't like sex."

● Sliths use the female pronoun because motherhood is considered valuable and fatherhood is not. Slith birth records have space for the name of the father, but it is often left blank. Only someone who hasn't had children of her own would consider using masculine pronouns.

● Twins are more common than the CIA seems to think, but usually the mother will select the weaker of the two and eat it shortly after birth, because they just don't have the capacity to be chasing after two babies. Only high-society sliths that can afford nannies will attempt to raise twins.

● Monarchs rule for life because abdicating would mean having to face a trial for killing the previous monarch. Also, it's not just the queen herself that is assassinated, but generally anyone in her cabinet that wasn't part of the coup d'état is also put to death.

● "Parliamentary monarchy". Talk about euphemisms. It's feudalism with the outward trappings of democracy. Decisions are made by the queen and need to be approved only by one of the two chambers of Parliament. The upper chamber is made up of members (who are all nobility, either inherited or knighted by the queen herself) chosen because they agree with the queen, making the objection or consent of the elected chamber purely symbolic. The upper house is basically little more than an extended cabinet, except they aren't subject to being executed if the monarchy falls. They may well elect exile over being stripped of title though.

>>147245

the breast-obsessed should forget us sliths. ours are small because we barely use them. our young are born with very sharp teeth, and able to eat solid food. we milk ourselves and then feed it to them, they do not nurse. they are venomous from the moment they are born.

that reminds me of an interesting bit of trivia, i was unable to sleep so i was channel surfing and some detective show or another referred to identifying a body by dental records. such an idea is absolutely absurd to sliths as we continuously grow new teeth. the only ones that do not fall out and get replaced naturally are the fangs, and those will regrow if pulled. the usual treatment for a broken fang is to simply pull the remainder and let a new one come in. "dentist" is not a separate profession, it is just something handled by normal doctors.

p.s. to anon when you wake up and read this: i may talk in my sleep, but you snore.

>>147269

So you're basically land sharks. great

Millie went into town today with my mum. Meanwhile I'm stuck back on rotation. Though I won't complain after last night, not with what me and Millie did for god knows how long felt like the entire night.

>>147245

>Abandoning a girl

You're being a cunt to her just for something that won't crush you? Sometimes I wish the program forced people to keep the meta-humans they were hosting unless it was a risk to either party's health

>>147271

lol no. shark teeth sort of rotate into position from the area around the tongue. ours grow in the jawbone and erupt just like yours do. the difference is that humans do this twice, we do it more or less continuously.

>>147334

life is astonishingly cheap in slithen. the only reason average, hard-working sliths aren't murdered in the streets by their rulers is because there's no value in it. it's sure as fuck not because of any respect for law or due process or any other such quaint notions. you've watched game of thrones? i still need to catch up on the last season, but i presume it hasn't changed all that much. slithen is a lot like that, only with today's level of technology. we may actually be ahead of humanity overall when it comes to medicine. i'm not worried because they've already marked me for death. one of them will probably catch up with me someday, and one of us won't be going home that night. you seem to believe that just because i am cultured and well-adapted to human society, i have no experience with violence or depravity. you couldn't be more wrong. during my time in the army intelligence corps (military service is mandatory for all able-bodied young adults and i didn't want to be a grunt), i was forced to kill one of our own agents to prevent my cover and those of my team from being blown. outside of the operation, she was a friend of mine. so don't try to intimidate me. i have sliths that want to kill me. i've killed a friend who didn't deserve it, because i had to. my two middle daughters won't even return my messages, so i have to assume they feel it is safer to dissociate from me entirely. at least my oldest had the courtesy to tell me to fuck off. frankly, some pissed off humans just don't mean very much to me at this point.

die in a fire. i did, and it saved my life.

>>147271

I hadn't even developed a proper "girl" or "waifu", for you to even make that assumption. Besides a lot of it had spelling mistakes and other errors i wasnt happy about. Maybe ill have an Ushi Oni in addition. I still have my story saved on Evernote about her you wizard. Also im not breast obsessed per say. Just wanted a reference frame for my brain. Giant physics defying tits like Senran Kagura are silly.

Anyways, Euphrys slowly became acclimated to her new home. She was curious of many modern things so i had my hands full explaining it to her. After touring the the neighborhood and introducing her to people, we came upon the Public library. She was thrilled to be with so many old books. I felt her arms squeezing me as her other palps quickly signed a sheet for a library card, the librarian giggled and handed it to the excited Arachne. "Here you sweetie. Welcome to our town." When we got back to the house I flumped into my armchairm and she layed onto the rug setting her webbing full of books ontop the coffee table. I flicked to fireplace on and sat down with her. "Want me to make some tea or coffee for us? Also look up the books on the Blasted Heath and Innsmouth in your books. Peculiar towns." Her palps pulled me towards her and i leaned into her. My god shes cozy.

Ill get back to you all later

>>147368

someone get this hot head outta here

>>147373

I wonder if she would be interested in classic Castlevania and Megaman X1. Sounds like she might get bored from JRPGs in general.

So I recived a letter from Ms. Corona to visit her at a hotel room at the edge of town to finish some more paperwork. I left a voice mail. She hasn't gotten back to me yet.

Look I know the twin sneks are celebrity freakshows but… Nevermind. Having something happen is better than being told to sit and do nothing.

Should get my demi-human certified first aid certificate tomorrow.

I'm going to go. Wish me luck.

>>147140

Different guy from the one with Elizabeth, i found all my ammunition for my guns under her bed. She tried hording it because the brass was shiny

>>147466

christ, if she's gonna hoard ammo let her just do so with the casings

>>147473

I cant really do anything at this point except store it under her bed because gun safes are for faggots

>>147466

At least she's not eating brass like gold or silver. Is she a green dragon? They're known for hoarding everything.

>>147481

Nah, her scales are purple

Well I think I either experienced full moon bullshittery or Nicole was just very drunk. Either way, never before would I ever imagined my Nicole making 17 hot pockets at once in a microwave while desiring snusnu. I think we did the last bit since my pelvis is on fire, and when I woke up, the microwave was fucking layered with hardened cheese and exploded hot pocket.

We also celebrated my roommates birthday. He Germanbro so many chocolate was had. It was a nice time. Anyone have full moon stories to share?

>>147761

>17 hot pockets

christ

Also, was it a full moon last night? wasn't paying attention. Would probably explain why Millie got a bit aggressive during sex last night, she even ended up taking the lead…not that I don't mind that but it's interesting when your making love and suddenly your partner asks you to stop, lays you on your back and mounts your dick. Though to be fair I still sorta managed to take the lead, turns out she likes it if you give her love bites on her breasts. Though that DID make her seem to go at it harder. I think today I'll just stay in bed, kinda feel sore

Full moon seemed to be in effect here as well. Harper was unusually emotional last night, and while I don't want to get into the specifics of what we talked about, it was clear that the situation does weigh on her mind. Then this morning, she didn't want to get out of the bed because that would mean abandoning the electric blanket. It wasn't particularly cold last night, either. In fact it has been a rather mild winter, even by Southern California standards.

We have been sleeping in the same bed because there currently is not the budget to fit the second bed with a memory foam mattress (this one cost me almost $1500), but no snusnu. I haven't pushed for it, and she doesn't want problems. I'm willing to give up the electric blanket, but not the mattress, so we share. I moved a dresser to the end of the bed and put a cushion on it, so she effectively has a longer mattress. I've certainly noticed that her body temperature goes down quite a lot when she falls asleep, and she says she doesn't dream if it's cold, which means she doesn't wake up refreshed.

I fear I may have gotten her started on a junk food habit. She is now in love with Jack In The Box tacos. I get coupons in the mail all the time and just set them aside, but she started poking through the junk mail and pulled out the JITB flyer and saw the "Bacon Ultimate Cheeseburger" and was like "ooh what's this?" I explained that what makes it "ultimate" is that it has no vegetables on it, just meat (x2), cheese (x3), and condiments on a bun. Of course she immediately wanted one, so we hopped in the car and got drive-through at one in the morning. Since we were already there, I also got a bunch of the tacos, as they survive refrigeration and reheating quite well, and we had those for breakfast this morning. After her fourth one (and I had two in the same span of time) she looked in the bag, then flipped it over and dumped the hot sauce packets on the table and wanted to know where the rest of them were. I explained that I'd only ordered six.

We might be going back to JITB for lunch. I think she is a taco junky.

Well it was full moon last night, who else had their pelvis utterly demolished followed by cuddling

>>147880

I let Karen take the lead last night, which meant she was on top the entire time while she asked forced me to suck on her tits while she rode me into the ground, figuratively of course.

>>147869

that does not sound healthy, I'm pretty sure one of those burgers has enough calories in it to keep a ork running for a week.

not to mention how she demanded more tacos after she ate four of them in one sitting.

and she should be careful, who knows what sort of pharmaceuticals are put into processed beef nowadays.

>>148026

Well something strange is going on. We're not sure if it's related to the full moon or not, but apparently Harper got a little too enthusiastic on the bass guitar noodling because she managed to scrape the end of her arm stump raw and now it's really starting to bother her, itching like mad. It even started to blister, so she's going to have to baby it even more than usual for a while. I offered her a lidocaine lotion, but she says that if it doesn't hurt, it won't heal.

She also discovered that as much as she likes the taste of it, cheese made from cow milk does not seem to agree with her. She has not been feeling very good today after the bacon double cheeseburger, but since she has had both bacon and hamburger previously without incident, she assumes it is the cheese at fault. I ate the same thing she did (two for $5, how could I not?) and I just feel a bit bloaty from the meat overdose, so I know it wasn't E. Coli or anything. (If it was salmonella, I would be sick and she wouldn't. Sliths are pretty much immune to salmonella.) When we went out for lunch, she decided maybe tacos weren't such a great idea after all. We got Yoshinoya. I think that might be better for her in the long run.

I haven't said anything yet, but I have been wondering if maybe she would have the same reaction to goat milk cheese. I don't know if she's in a mood for that experiment or not.

>>147917

yeah you got the tit sucking too?

Like I said Earlier not much changed, Millie just got a bit more aggressive, didn't mind really.

Kinda just bummed around didn't get much work done today so my superiors might reprimand me, but I spent most of my day just with Millie, showed her Shaun of the dead which she found funny. I've got an old pirated copy from around the time it was still relatively new, friend mad it for me before I got my job

>>148090

Yeah. Apparently holstaurs are actually a distant cousin of minotaur, but more "docile" compared to their sisters due to one resembling a domesticated cow and the other a wild one.

Still doesn't stop Karen from acting like a scared little girl who wants snuggles when there's a storm passing through.

Woke up in a hospital bed four hours ago. What'd I miss?

>>147334

Contact me at eBowLeChan@goat.si pls.

>>148156

Umm, why? Did you get bit by a rattlesnake while clearing your property or something? That would be very ironic, you know.

>>147880

Ditto nigga. It was the first time either of us did it, so it was amateur as fuck. She was way aggresive tho. Nicole basically rendered the bottom half of my body useless, so I had to take a sick day. Kinda sucks because today's her interview, and I just wanted to be there for support purposes

>>148146

Proceed

>>148199

Sorry about the long wait. I had to finish up my meeting last night.

So what happened?

Yes, I got bit by a rattler. However this rattler was about four meters long and had two human girl torsos for heads. According to Ms. Corona I got bit preemptively just by walking into the meeting room because full ass moon. Next thing I knew I woke up in the hospital bed. Garnet and Ivory were barred from visiting my bedside due to family request. It's noth that mother was scared that they wanted to kill me. It's that mother couldn't trust the snakes not to kill me.

But she's not the host of the twin snakes either.

Ms. Corona asked if I wanted to press charges and request another tenant. I don't have a personal attorney so I declined. Besides mistakes happen. And now I know what it's like to get bit by a venomous snake. It was only a graze to my shoulders less than a centimeter deep. Ms. Corona had anti-venom on the ready so no permanent injury.

Got through finalizing the lease with legal shit no one here cares about. Garnet and Ivory are being sanctioned by DHEP with a no biting rule under threat of deportation (where they will face criminal charges in their home country).

Garnet and Ivory are visiting me today. As of last night I became their guardian and host. House isn't done yet but at the moment Garnet and Ivory are staying at a hotel by the hospital. By the end of the day I should be checked out. Until then Garnet and Ivory are staying with me to talk.

The twins said they're fine taking questions from /monster/. So go ahead and ask them anything.

>>148399

does twice the hands mean twice the handholding?

>>148399

Well since it went so well with the other guy, ask if they have a vagina or a cloaca. If they have a vagina, do they have two? Maybe more?

>>148456

The lamia twins are two separate brains and therefore they're two people. From the belly up they have full control over their arms. So really it's holding the hands of two girls instead of holding one girl's four hands. Sadly I can't really hold both of their hands without being in the middle thus requiring them to be on top.

>>148465

Sorry Grimsby, they share one uterus and one vagina. Because their vagina is right when their spines merge both sisters can feel the sensation. Make what you will of it but this has led to some relationship problems between Garnet and Ivory fighting over mates.

>>148061

So Harper's situation with her arm is starting to make more sense, as is her recent behavior. She had me take off the bandages today, and we both inspected the trouble area. The bumps that have been itching and bothering her so much aren't hives or infections as best we can tell, because they appear to have tiny claws. It looks like they're the buds of three new fingers.

No telling if or when two more will appear, but regeneration is happening, with or without her growth hormone. However, the intense itching and hypersensitivity is driving her absolutely nuts. She says it's like having new teeth come in, only ten times worse. The need for protein also appears to be why she is so damn hungry all the time. Despite her size, she normally eats less than the average human, but right now she's eating about twice as much as me, and it's almost all meat.

We don't know if the regeneration started because she scraped the area raw, or because of the full moon, both, or something else entirely, but there it is.

>>147880

Tarantula anon here, Excella wasn't fazed a bit by the full moon since every door and window was closed.

cuddle and handholding happened though

>>148552

I dare not show Millie how deep my love of giant robots are, she's seen my kits and a few of the games I play but outside that I've never shown her any she doesn't seem interested in them. Oh well

>>148553

>Implying you don't want Millie to become a turbo-nerd.

I've already gotten Karen into a few anime shows. Nothing serious though, just the "entry level" stuff. I almost regret showing her Girls und Panzer though, because now she's obsessed with tanks. Her favorite is the Sherman Firefly. We constantly get into arguments whether it, the T-34-85, or the Panther (my two favorite tanks) were the better tanks.

>>148570

Nah I tried to explain to her what a Zaku II was and why it was important to the evolution of Mobile suit tech in the original gundam

Maybe I'll show her something like Overman King Gainer or something, not many people can stomach the old shows due to animation

>>148741

Isn't that sort of the idea?

>>148750

i'd rather not have her talking about tanks all day despite the fact that the only things about the tanks she knows is straight out of gaijin entertainment's sekrit dokuments

>>148819

Shit… And all I did was pass out for 24 hours from a snake bite. It's going to take at least six weeks for that broken leg to heal if there's no surgery needed.

>>148819

Did she thought "JUST FUCK HIS SHIT UP" during full moon or what? That's savage, even with a Ushi Oni.

>>148819

God dammit, we warned you not to wear the Three Wolf Moon T-shirt during Full Moon.

Harper had been humming fragments of a song all day. The same ten seconds. Over and over. I didn't say anything, I know how it can be to have a song stuck in your head. It was taking me out of my flow state though, especially since I am fighting with an ear infection. She finally asked for my help somewhere around 4:30 this afternoon when I popped out of my studio for a restroom break, asking me what the song is because she couldn't figure it out.

I informed her that the song was "Rain", by the Beatles, to which she responded "Well fuck. Of course it is." She pulled it up from the network storage and listened to it while I headed off for the desperately needed restroom break.

When I came back, she had moved on to "When I'm Sixty-Four". Hearing me approach, she smiled and winked at me, then returned the audio to the show she had been watching.

Ellen.

I wondered if the song was a reference to what happened last night, even though we had agreed it was because of her fever delirium and that we weren't going to talk about it again. However, it might not be. After all, I didn't even know when her birthday is, and she is sixty-three.

So I followed her not very secret lead and asked her what her birthday is, and she said it's in a couple weeks. I asked what she wanted, and she already had a browser window set to it. A radiation detector. What the fuck?

She told me that while they are partially resistant to many poisons both natural and artificial, they have no particular resistance to radiation poisoning.

"You have nuclear power in Slithen?"

She nods.

"And you think they might try to give you the Litvinenko treatment?"

She nods even faster.

Shit's getting real now.

>>148819

Why did they give Sanic a fivehead?

Hey guys, I just wanna know if anyone has news about the current laws about mamono/human relationship on Earth. Did anything move?

Finally got out of the hospital. Feeld great to sleep in your bed again. I'm on antibiotics but I should be fine. Shoulders stung like a mother fucker in the shower though.

The house is just about built. The proper pipes have just been buried. Now all that's left is waiting for the electrician to arrive. DHEP took a survey around town to ask which people they should contract to build the house and my uncle happened to be on the list.

Got to talk to him today. He asked me what's all of this demi-human exchange nonsense about? I told him that it's a job, a dangerous job, but a job nonetheless. The only thing my uncle was upset about is that he can't lease our lots for a trailer park. Funny, because me working for DHEP is pretty much an identical plan of leasing property for rent.

Garnet and Ivory are staying with Ms.Corona in the hotel until the house is ready. They don't mind really. Though the manager might kick the trio out for using the hot tub too much.

The barbecue is almost ready. I asked Ms. Corona what the twins want me to grill when they move in.

Garnet and Ivory are craving snake. They want some grilled diamondback.

•__•

I suppose that's why they're called lamias.

>>148819

Holy fuck, all i had to suffer was a smashed door, scorched bed, and a cracked rib

>>149807

Neat

No real reports on my end really, Falling into a daily rhythm with Millie so not like there's much to talk about. She's actually taken an interest and has been keeping up on what it takes to be a DHEP handler when she's eligible in about 2 or so years.

Speaking of handlers the visits are becoming less and less frequent I notice, last time it was just that Cyclops girl who I learned is named Nina. The older guy, Monsha retired not that long ago and she's flying solo now

Millie and her kinda chatted after she asked us how we're doing, the typical stuff

Purple dragon anon, lilly tried raping me in the park, im not sure but I think mating season is coming up

The personnel's arrival was much later than expected, I think it's due to preparing my new guest as to what is coming up.

They warned me about some leaking issues when she did come over, but the floor is mostly tiles and woodboards. I have some rug mats around for show and that's about it. I don't like vacuuming out rugs, probably because of my younger years. I also covered some of the furniture in plastic wraps as well.

When they did arrive, I had everything set for them on the occasion, though I must admit, the new Gazer that was going to be living with me was a bit shocking to say the least, even if she was a pretty sort. I also learned about that 'leaking' problem and that was from the unusual tar(?) substance that seemed to ooze out of her. Good thing I don't have carpet around.

The agent introduced himself as "Antares" and told me he was his contact for anything that goes on during the stay. He also introduced me to the Gazer, Miriam. All of us sat together and he laid out the ground work that went on for the exchange program; Since the fact that I have my own house to use, they are willing to help accommodate for some of the costs that will occur during the program, it is limited by months. They did seem to hammer the 'no-mating' rule rather hard, but I could understand why.

After the group rules, he also tells me that I have to do specific tasks during the program; They will be routine tasks that will mainly show Miriam what the local area is like and to see how she performs in an environment that is uncommon to her (She lives in mostly dark places, and Florida is mostly sunny.) He will tell me what the tasks are over time, and he'll give me a decent time frame to complete them.

After he lays that out, he had to take his leave, and now I am left with a Gazer that loves to stare at me it seems. Those eyestalks of hers like to track my movements.

I'll post more when I get the free time.

harper here. you seem to know more than most about the DHEP program. i don't think tony at legal assistance is telling me everything, he seems to have a vested interest in keeping enrollment numbers up. so i ask you. i asked my youngest daughter jake (it's short for jacqueline, but nobody calls her that, not even me) if she would be interested in spending some time here and she squeeeee'd so loud i dropped my phone. maybe i should have had it in my hand instead of pinned to my head but i wasn't expecting that reaction. by human standards she would qualify as a dependent, so assuming i get to stay, i can bring her over too. but maybe it would be more enlightening for her if she didn't stay with me and went into the DHEP program. your thoughts? we could always change her status if need be.

>>150116

Your daughter wants to come over and if I remember right you also have concerns for her safety, right? So I'd play it smart and use whatever means would be the quickest assuming that it's also the safest … you do have some "concerns" that need planning around after all.

After she gets over safely then do whatever you want because you have a lot more time to sort it out at your leisure.

>>150137

we can't do it for a month anyhow, her semester ends at the end of march. anon tells me this is a "japanese school year" so she would have time to get her applications in order to continue her education here and if all else fails the community college takes everyone. i'm not guaranteed to know my status in the next month so maybe we'll start on the DHEP plan and look at dependent status if that falls through. it's funny, she thinks more like me than any of my other girls, but looks the least like me. she looks more like her father. or at least she looks more like who i've always assumed her father is. we've never bothered to do the tests to find out.

i was filing down my claws, even the brand new little ones because as tiny as they are, they still come in sharp. i noticed that each of the two outer finger buds actually has two claws, so i guess those are going to split into two fingers each somewhere down the line. now if they could stop itching and aching so much, that would be greeeeeat.

Nicole reporting in. So we were having the friend with the Cheshire move in with us, since stonerbro found a job here. Thing is she made muffins, which have some kind of wonderland bullshit in them because anon's freaking out after he accidentally ate one and I think he's tripping. It wasn't really their fault since it was meant for them, he just forgot. What do?

>>150465

Well first is to make sure he isn't going to hurt himself

Narcotics isn't my thing and I'm not sure of the legality of substances from even a warped hell hole like wonderland.

But yeah top priority: make sure that anon ain't gonna hurt himself

>>150465

Give him orange juice and tell him it will weaken the trip. (It won't, but all that matters is that he thinks it will.)

>>150483

The stuff in it is legal here I think, so there are no problems. And I thinks he's calmed down. He's just sort of fucking around, trying to hug the TV, usual trip stuff I think.

>>150465

first rule of wonderland: do not eat the caterpillars. second rule of wonderland: no matter how annoying they may be, do not eat the caterpillars.

i might be busy for the next several days. i have to make accommodations for jake, and there is a paper a colleague wants me to critique. "on the phosphorylation of 4,5-benzoderivatives of oh god i'm yawning already."

>>149823

It is most certainly dragon mating season, god help me

>>150699

Harper just showed me a link in the paper she is critiquing, indicating that the chemical she synthesized does not make a slith permanently ageless. They ran multiple-treatment courses on cerberuses (cerberi? I'm not sure how to pluralize these) and found that each time it is used, it becomes less effective. At some point it kills the subject.

It appears that while you can induce senescent cells to die and GTFO the way, you can't so easily stop cells from becoming senescent in the first place, and eventually you run out of "young cells" to replace them with. It is not yet known whether several courses close together wear out one's abilities faster than treatments spaced further apart, though that is suspected to be the case. Senescent cells are still functional to some degree, and killing them off forces young cells to take up the slack. (At least that's how Harper understands it, neither of us is a biologist.)

So for any of you who thought the "fountain of youth" was right around the corner – you're not entirely wrong, but it's not as promising as you had probably hoped. It approximately doubled the lifespan of the cerberuses, and kept them in good health for a much greater proportion of their lives than normal, but they still died eventually. Either the treatments themselves killed them, or they were allowed to cease treatment, get old, and die that way.

CAPTCHA: dnaowa (DNA, no way.)

>>148656

Nah Biggs. Thats what it's about with her. She's practically a rucksack that the boot camp boys wear x2 when she wants me to carry her. Shes so clingy it's cute.

>>148656

Replace every caption in that picture with "NOPE" and you know how I feel about spiders. They have their purpose, and I let the harmless ones live, but that doesn't mean I like them.

Speaking of dangerous spiders, we have black widows around here. Lots of them. I had to let Harper know that she's welcome to kill those, and any other hazardous NOPEs, but that the others are better than the ant infestations we're prone to without them.

Tomorrow I'm packing. Looks like I'll be moving into my new house early to set up my network. I'm contractually obligated to set up an IP whitelist according to Ms. Corona. Sadly 8chan is not on the list. Plus only Ms. Corona can log into the router. Online gaming will be allowed for consoles but not PC though I am allowed to have LAN parties.

Movers will handle the furniture while I'm toured through the house and its features. Going to be busy. See you Tuesday.

>>151205

I fucking want hotdogs now.

Hey, anon that got punked by my monster agent Danny.

Danny put another monster girl on me, and it's gone to hell.

Thankfully Danny had my house built for a complete lock down, because the bee girl and I are locked in the panic room waiting for help to arrive.

Let me start the story from the start.

>"Danny, why are you calling me at three in the morning?"

"Ready for your new monster girl?"

>"Is it a hellhound?"

"No, but-"

>"Fuck off."

"Oi, is that Danny?"

>"God fucking damnit, you woke the bee up."

"What can I say, I'm a ladies man."

"Tell Danny that I found yer porn collection!"

>sigh

>"Just fucking send me the files."

"Was it human porn?"

>"Send. The. Files."

"Fine, fine."

>Since it was three in the fucking morning, I didn't read much, all I got was that it was a kind of slime.

>The next morning, the short bald fucker Danny had the slime girl with him

"Nice morning isn't it?"

>"Wait, she's moving in now? isn't it supposed to be a week's notice?"

"Yep, I sent it in through fax."

>"I don't have a fax machine."

"Anyway, here's Lucy, she's your new monster girl."

>"Oh, hi Lucy."

Ayy, lmao.

"Enjoy your girl Anon!"

>As danny walked away, I closed the door

Danny told me there was another girl here, is that true?

>"Yes, and she's probably sleeping upstairs."

Nice.

>"Make yourself at home while I try to settle your stuff in."

Sounds good bruh.

>Lucy immediately started playing vidya on my couch, and after I moved her stuff upstairs, I got to reading the files Danny sent me.

>Name: Lucy

>Species: Cell Slime

>Bio: blah blah blah

>Nothing that interesting

>Decide to look up Cell Slime, the least I could do is learn about her species

>Open web monsterpedia

>Cell Slime: A subspecies of slime known to dwell in very harsh climates. Because of the harsh environments it lives in have so scarce of food, they split rather easily with very little protein needed.

>Very little protein needed

>I have so much unused protein powder lying in the basement

>It's literally several shipment boxes full

>Oh fuck

>Why did I want to get /fit/

>Run downstairs

>Vidya is paused

>Lucy is nowhere to be seen

>There is a slime trail heading to the basement

>"Hey Lucy?"

>Hear about ten "yeahs" coming from the basement

Now I'm in the panic room with beetits in a house that's on lockdown.

Do any of you guys know a way to solve this?

>>151500

Bro, do you even lift?

Keep the door locked until they start to starve and have to recombine. She'll be mad as a cut snake, but at least there will only be one of her.

At least I think that should work.

Harper got a voicemail today that has her shaken up. It was in her native language so it was incomprehensible to me, and she said that it doesn't really translate directly without losing its meaning. Her closest attempt at a paraphrasing translation was "Blood is thicker than water, but softer than steel." She takes this to mean they plan to use a close relative against her somehow, or perhaps that one has already betrayed her. The number of the caller indicates it was sent from the Capitol. Not just the capital city, but the actual seat of Parliament itself. She's not sure whether it's a threat meant to intimidate, or a heads-up from a secret ally about something that has already happened.

We also had reason to believe someone had entered the house while we were out, although they were quite careful not to leave a trace. Fortunately for us, both of us know how to place tamper seals on things that don't look like anything out of the ordinary, so there is no doubt about it. We might have to start putting my computers in the Faraday cage as a precaution. I found their microphone, and clipped it to the back of my power supply. Now they can listen to fan whine all day and all night.

Or at least I found one of their microphones.

Well i proposed to lilly and she almost broke my back from hugging me and saying yes over and over

>>151933

Nice. 16a053 here again, things have been interesting over here in Zipangu. Don't really have enough time to type shit out since Karen and her family have been dragging me everywhere all day long, and by the end of it I all but collapse into bed.

Planning on proposing to Karen myself a few days after I get back to the states with her.

What kind of ring did you get Lilly?

>>151966

>>151933

Work kinda keeps me from formally doing that for Millie, and as much as I don't show it to her it's been eating at me, did manage to get her birthstone Onyx

She's dead asleep right now, Work had me processing some data files for them because of an increase in the workload

>>152007

When you do have a day off you could always take her out somewhere nice for dinner, and afterwards you could pop the question. I'd be prepared to be proactively dated loved tenderly and have a face full of cowtits if when she says yes.

Got 8ch on mobile. Never could sleep in a new bed on the first day of the move.

Now I hear some slithering next to the door. The knob just turned

Right when I was going to fap too.

The twin snake is coming. Should I be worried?

>>152012

Millie knows my work is near round the clock, would probably be 24 hours if they could force it

I think this week will be good though there's a bit of slack and it seems the workload has been lighter

Son of a bitch, Harper woke me up because she heard a helicopter hovering.

"We live near a freeway. It's probably just a news helicopter doing a traffic report," I said.

I looked out the back (where the sound seemed to be coming from) and couldn't see anything, so I put on shoes and went outside to check. The helicopter was not a news chopper, but police, and not hovering over the freeway, but over the business park on the other side of the freeway. I wonder if we had another robbery at the jewelry store.

In any case, I'm awake now so I can tell you about last night.

Harper "broke" my bass guitar. By that, I mean it just stopped working. No signal was coming out. I offered to check and repair it, but she declined and asked for the tools to do it herself. I fetched solder, a soldering iron, a small bag of jumper wires, a multimeter, a Phillips #2 screwdriver, and my SOG tool. Then I played some vidya from the couch while she went to work.

She got the back cover off the body and started poking around. "It looks like the volume control is bad. Do you have a spare?"

I should, but I don't, so I told her to just solder a jumper wire instead, and control the volume from the amplifier or a pedal. I also fetched the pedal while she finished the repair and put the body back together.

Alright, no big deal, she has basic electronic repair skills. This is not totally unexpected for someone who ran a lab. What was more interesting was the way she held the solder between her newly budding fingers. (They aren't yet long enough to be useful for playing the instrument. Not even close.)

She played another couple minutes before coming to join me on the couch. "Want some competition?"

"Go wash your hands." I tipped my head toward the kitchen. "That was lead-tin solder. There's Lava soap in the cabinet under the sink."

She snorted a little bit in annoyance, but went and washed up. When she came back she curled up on the floor in front of the couch as she usually does for vidya, then asked me, "You told me to 'wash my hands'. Was that just from habit?" She held up her asymmetric arms.

I pointed at the little finger nubs. "No, I just watched you hold solder with those. I think it's fair to start calling them a hand."

She sprung up from the floor and knocked me over, wrapping her arms around me. When she let go, she gave me a kiss. It was a small, innocent kiss, like she might have given one of her own children back in the day, but it still made her spill spaghetti all over once she realized what she had done. Then she didn't want me to go to bed until after she was already asleep.

I wish I could understand her native language, or whatever she uses when she talks in her sleep.

>>152060

Were they warm?

>>152126

Warmer than I'd like to admit tbh. Lamia's underbelly is like a dense rubber but feels soft and comfortable. Once it warms up it stays warm for a while.

I digress.

By the time the alarm went off I was completely wrapped by Garnet's and Ivory's tail. I slipped out as much as I could before waking them up. Garnet and Ivory sit up and yawn together. I got a nice view of their naked breasts staring at me with perfect areolas. Ivory is slightly bigger than Garnet. The twins wished me a good morning.

I have a confession to make. I am a virgin. I tried to greet them without making things seem awkward. Then Garnet and Ivory slid down my belly until morning Woody was rubbing against their conjoined belly and kissed me on the lips…

Garnet and Ivory are taking a bath while I'm in the laundry room washing my sheets. They might not make any further moves knowing what I am. Fingers crossed.

>>151966

A silver one with a real sapphire to stand out from her other shiny shit. The wedding is gonna be on the 21st, first day of spring

>>152267

Im not in zipangu

>>152470

My bad

Guy in zipangu how is it

A helicopter was just hovering nearby again, accompanied by the sound of police sirens. What the hell is going on at the business park?

Despite the turmoil outside (Harper was willing to take my word for it that a chopper outside is not automatically a threat, this time), we have been getting the guest room ready for a visitor, or maybe two. We don't know yet.

"I want new sheets," Harper tells me.

"Are you suddenly made of money or something? I'm sure I have _fresh_ sheets, but I washed these after the Harpy's stay ended. They've-"

She has taken the time of my rant to slither over with that mind-boggling wiggle of hers, and puts her finger to my lips. "Relax. She'll be fine with these. I want new sheets. I saw blood on the ones you have. Is it yours?"

"No, it was a little uhh, accident from my last girlfriend. It's not like you have to worry about me running off with her or anything. She's sorta, um… dead."

"How?"

I mime making a noose and hanging myself, while trying to read her thoughts through her face. She'd make a fine poker player.

"And where?" She tilts and twists her head oddly as if trying to protrude an eye in my direction.

"Umm, about fifteen feet that-a-way."

So we sat on the end of the bed in the guest room while I explained that I'd gotten mixed up in someone's life because I tried to give her a gift. I'd given Lira my old car because I had bought a newer one and she had flown halfway across the country to pick it up.

>Lira didn't want to take off right away, I was fine with that.

>One night on the couch turned into two, then five. Finally I asked her what was going on.

>"I don't want to go back… at least not alone."

>So to make a long story short, we drove the car from Los Angeles to Little Rock, Arkansas, in a day and a half. I stayed for as long as her husband would tolerate me, and I flew back home.

>Let me skip a lot of dumb shit, on both of their parts and on mine, but fast forward to four months later and Lira is driving that same beat-up little car, loaded down with everything she could carry, to move in with me. This was her room.

"So you weren't banging her?"

"Not then, no. That didn't happen until she picked up the phone and said she wanted a divorce. After that, oh hell yeah."

"But she still had this room?"

"Look, I was under no illusions that I was gonna stay entranced with this chick. Operating out of the same room would have had us at each other's throats months before it actually happened. Did I dig her? Yeah. Did we share a lot of the same bad habits? Yeah. But did I love her? I sure thought I did at the time, but in retrospection… I did not. And some small part of me knew that from the start. I wanted her to pull herself together and start over, whether that involved me or not."

"I take it you failed."

"Epically. I even let her stay when we were no longer attached, but then things changed. She

started getting all weird, all 'oh plz u 2 b mai senpai'. Fuck that. That's not what I signed on

for. I want a partner, not a pet, and I told her as much. She threatened to leave, as if I somehow

thought that was a bad idea. Then one day we found a cheap box of wine at the grocery and drank it

all between the two of us. I made it back to my bed and crashed while she dug a tie-down rope out

of the garage, took it in the bathroom there, and 'gak'." I supplement this with the motions and

cartoonish expression associated with being X-eyed. "Needless to say, I haven't been quite the same

since. It doesn't happen every day anymore, but I still feel from time to time like I killed her."

"So that's why you won't touch me? You're afraid you'll kill me too?"

I watch her slit pupils flicker as she stares me down. "You said no. That factors into it as well. But… yeah, I guess it's a little bit like that. Maybe not that I'd be the cause of your death, but that I would fail to prevent what I should have seen coming." I sigh heavily and fall back onto the bed. "I don't think I could take another such body blow."

"How do you expect to recover if you aren't willing to let go of the signs of her? Let's get those sheets changed. You'll feel a little bit better."

"I still don't think–"

She interrupts me. "Good, keep it that way. Don't think. Just let me lead." She leads literally, back-sliding into a coil on the floor then springing back up before heading to the linen closet. "Which set fits?"

"The one that looks just like the current set, minus one blood stain. I still insist that bothers you more than it bothers me."

"Hey, we need all the available space."

"Space? For what?"

Without even looking back over her shoulder at me, she whips the tip of her tail between my feet and smacks me on the ass. "For making our own stains."

>>152818

>divulging your private life with a bunch of autist on an imageboard

Bad idea my friend

So, remember when I said the twins would leave me alone because I'm a virgin?

Guess what?

I was wrong.

I heard Garnet and Ivory giggle while I was making breakfast this morning (scrambled eggs with bacon and grilled home made hash). I asked what was so funny? The twins said it was nothing I should be concerned about.

Alright, I thought to myself I'll play the fool for a while. When the twins slithered up to the table I noticed as I serveed they are wrapped together in a big towel.

"So, do you always share a towel together?" I asked.

"We share towels at home too," said Garnet.

"I thought you two didn't like sharing?"

"We only share if we have to," said Ivory. "Where we live there isn't much water."

I overreacted by slapping my crown and saying, "Oh wow! That makes so much sense." I ploped into the chair. "You have to share the towel to save wash water right?" The twins noded a "mm-hmm" in unision.

"We had to conserve wash water where we lived," said Garnet. Then she and Ivory sighed together and said, "it was a pain."

Their synced voices are so moé. I can't imagine eating together being comfortable for how close together they are. As they were eating I saw piece of bacon fall onto Ivory's breast. "Sorry I dropped a piece, said Garnet as she immediately moved down down to lick up the egg with her long forked tongue.

Ivory blushes bright read. Then she pushed Garnet away from her plate. I didn't notice this before but Ivory has a Yin-Yang tatoo on her right shoulder. Ivory warned Garnet, "I know this trick. You're not stealing my food again."

"It's only because you eat too much sis," Garnet commented. "That's why you have the bigger bust. Besides you need to lose weight."

"WE need to lose weight Garnet," Ivory countered. "And we can't lose weight if you're stuffing our stomachs. Besides, I've always had bigger boobs than you do. Deal."

The twins glared at each other. I could hear the rattle shaking underneath the table.

"Okay well breakfast is over. Perhaps you two should get dressed."

Garnet and Ivory broke eye contact. Garnet sat up. "Ms. Corona says we can wear different outfits now right?" Ivory looked at Garnet inquisitively and says "Yeah…?"

Garnet pulls the towel away from Ivory. Ivory shrieked. "Then we don't need to share towels anymore." Ivory covered hdr chest by folding her arms. "Give it back," I said. "So you want to see me naked now?" Garnet asked.

"Either you two share the towel or no one will."

Garnet tossed the towel onto the floor. Before Ivory can ask Garnet pulled Ivory's hands over her breasts. Garnet then puts her bands over Ivory's breasts. Then Garnet and Ivory crossed their hands to cover their crotch. Then the twins "stand". I have to admit. Seeing them in the nude like that was quite arousing.

They must have known. Because after that the atmosphere changed.

They both blush as they slither closer and closer with lustful eyes. I felt like pray. As I stepped back into the kitchen the twins corner me next to the sink. I reached for the pitcher of concentrated orange juice I just made. The twins striked at me. They were stopped by the ice-cold juice splashing their face. I tossed the pitcher into the sink. Then I took the shower head and rinsed the girls off with cold tap water. Garnet and Ivory are frozen in shock. I grabbed the towel on the floor and tossed it over their head. Then I pulled the curtain open so the sunlight from the sink can warm them.

"Dry yourselves off. After that you're mopping the kitchen." I handed the twins a mop and bucket from the closet. Then I gave the twins a hug. "I'll turn up the heat for you so you can get dressed." I nearly slipped as I left the kitchen.

>>152947

Is "splashing orange juice" going to be the new "spilling spaghetti"? I sure hope so. "And suddenly, orange juice was flying everywhere." Heh.

Right, me again

Managed to talk to my higher ups, they're going to shunt work onto someone else for a bit letting me focus on what I need to get done.

Right now Millie and I are still with my folks and our house hunt was put on hold due to the work load which comes from having to deal with a narcotics problem within the company

I've got my eye on a house that isn't far from here and being in the country is a nice bonus, I've also talked with DHEP and with some string pulling they'll be helping cover the cost of buying the home. Next step is obviously getting around to formally proposing to Millie, probably gonna get a pendent for her with her birthstone embedded in it on top of the traditional ring, might scale back on the ring since I want to allocate as much money as possible to other things for her. I mean I won't cheap out on it but the ring won't be massive and flashy

>>153096

Drug trafficking isn't usually what I'm told to look out for but when it crosses into the sectors I'm paid to 'watch' so to speak it becomes my problem

>>153102

Makes sense. I live in the sub-burbs on the outskirts of town. Wishes to you and Milllie getting a nice homestead out by a green pasture and live healthy lives with lots of happy calves.

second worst day of my life. i'm still shaking. so anon heard the sound of the mail arriving, and went to collect it. this happens every day almost so i don't pay too much attention to it but this time there is shouting. i look down the entryway and anon is arguing with someone poking through his mail. when he opens the security door to confront the man, it is taken as an invitation to enter. i size him up and ready a sub-lethal dose of venom in case i am called upon to bite, but he just casually tosses me a package in an amazon box. probably my radiation detector, which i don't feel like opening in front of this intruder, but i see anon slipping around behind the guy and down the hall. i pop the tape with a claw and open the box more carefully than necessary to drag things out, while he watches.

anon returns with bright orange ear protection and a dark black mossberg 12-gauge, which he doesn't point at our guest, but does make a big show of chambering a round. ch-chk! "guest" turns to face the sound, hands in the air. "relax, i'm not armed. i'm just here to make an offer." he seems remarkably relaxed as anon has me pat him down for weapons. he's clean. "aren't you going to check me for a wire too?"

anon answers, "why bother, you probably already have the place bugged. we found one, but presume there are others. what 'offer' are you talking about?"

"oh ye of little faith, hear me out. mind if we do this just a bit more casually?" he waits for a signal from anon and makes his way to the couch. i take up a place on the opposite side of the room, and anon pulls up an ottoman and sits to form a triangle, to my right and slightly ahead, keeping the shotgun in his lap but pulling the ear protection around his neck. "i'm ned b. phillips, and i'm here to offer you a place at the table. i understand you have something that could be of great assistance to the world. the human world and the slithen world. we want to help you make that happen, but of course, not for free." he starts to lay out his pitch just as the front door bursts in. all of us leap up, and ned, being nearest the door, is who the intruders encounter first encounter. he gets bit and goes down immediately, which probably is why his head is still attached because anon's first shot splatters the lead slith's. the second one makes me hesitate because it's my half-sister. she doesn't hesitate though, and when she makes a move toward me, anon lights her up too. she takes two shots to put down. i race over to see if anything can be done but neither one is coming back from damage like that.

i start rescue breathing on ned, but i feel something rising in my throat and abandon him and break for the kitchen. anon takes over while i deposit what is left of my breakfast in the sink. "how - long - will - this - take?" he asks between breaths when i come back.

"twenty minutes or so, maybe thirty, i don't know. i'm not the one that bit him. i got this now." i resume being the emergency respiration system, and ned starts to breathe on his own in about the expected time frame. it's another fifteen before he can hold himself upright and we lean him against the railing.

>>153229

"what the fuck just happened?" ned whispers.

"you got between slith assassins and their target. me. shit anon, what are we going to do now?"

anon closes the security door, which was left open when ned came in and thus not battered down. "that's an excellent question. i don't see a sign in front of my house that says 'dead slith storage'."

"i can help." ned doesn't look like he's in a position to help anyone but he continues. "dig out my phone and call walter lupin, then put it on speaker. i can't move my fingers." anon does this.

"that will pass," i assure him.

"wally, we got a spinner," ned tells the man at the other end.

"how many?"

"two, but they're uh… size extra long."

"fuck me ned, when are you going to start listening to us? alright, give me the directions." ned looks at anon, who volunteers the address. "alright, it'll take me five minutes to get my kit, and twenty to get there. i'll see you in fifteen." he hangs up, and i wasn't watching the clock but he did get here very fast. he glances at the busted-up doorway on his way in. "i'll get that taken care of. these them?"

"what's left of them, yeah," anon says.

"alright, let's get to work." wally takes one look at ned. "you're about as useful as a cock-flavored lollipop. you, get the tail," he says to anon, "and you help with the middle," he says to me. we lift the first of the two bodies, the one i didn't recognize, into a bag wally brought. he has to fold the tail over. "you weren't kidding about the extra long," he says as he zips it shut.

before we start to move the other body, something occurs to me. she's much younger than she should be. there's only one way this could happen, and it would have to be recent. she has to be full of the growth hormone still. "wait. i need something from this one." i head to the kitchen and pull the cleaver from the knife block. when i come back, wally steps out of my way and i start hacking at the right shoulder.

"the fuck you doin' lady?"

"it's slithen battle tradition to eat part of your enemies. they would have done the same to me."

"yeah, but you're makin' more mess for me and gonna chip the floor. gimme." he holds out his hand so i pass him the cleaver. he pulls at the wrist, turning the body sideways, and takes the arm off with one hack, tossing it in front of me. "you need the other one too?" i nod, so he does the same thing on the other side. "that's how it's done." we work the rest of the body into his second bag, and i retrieve the cleaver, taking it and the arms into the kitchen where i remove the hands and throw the arms into the sink. i throw the hands into the body bag.

"you're going to need those to make a positive identification, but i can tell you who she is at least. we have the same father."

>>153236

if they're willing to send my blood after me, they'll use it against me any way they can. oh, fuck. they better not touch jake. i call to check on her and she says everything is fine, why would i be worried about her? i want to explain but i'm sure the line is being tapped so i just tell her she needs to make her move. like now. she promises to take her remaining exams tomorrow as we agreed and then vanish, but i make her promise to hang out with someone else overnight.

wally mops blood from the floor while whistling atonally, then goes to work on the walls. he says the carpet will be a total loss, but anon says it's twenty years old and needed replacing anyhow. he says someone will be by in the morning to fix the door, and to keep the security door locked. like he needed to tell us that. he fetches ned's car and backs it up in the driveway so we can move the bodies into the back, because wally showed up in a corvette. wally tells ned to drop off the 'vette and pick up his own car as soon as he feels fit to drive, and leaves in ned's car.

it takes half a pot of coffee and half a bottle of pepto-bismol to get ned back on his feet, but he finally gets on his way.

"i fucking need a drink or three," anon says. "how about you?"

"bring the bottle." so we sat there, shotgun loaded and ready, drinking vodka straight out of the bottle for about twenty minutes. once i started feeling it kick in, i felt something else stirring as well. fighting does that to me, win or lose, so when anon waves off the bottle, i make my move. we are so gonna need new carpet now.

Hello, a friend of mine told me that you guys can help me.

I am housing an inari since yesterday, because the camps are all full with """"""""refugees""""""".

The problem is that since she arrived, she barely talks but follows me wherever I go.

She doesn't even eat much, but rather keeps staring at me.

Shit is starting to creep me out, what should I do? Is there something I am doing wrong?

>>153244

We're on the move, staying in some fleabag motel with cracks in the walls and mold in the shower, because the house is under significant reconstruction and it just got too much to deal with. We only have to stay here two nights before a place opens up that's nicer and a couple miles down the road, we just had to pick a weekend with a convention in town.

Posting through my personal VPN, I don't trust this fleabag's WiFi security. At least I have a pretty good idea who is listening in on my own network.

This place has a bar and a restaurant though, and the bar serves a free dinner to all registered guests between 5 and 6 pm. Two drink minimum for adults, I have no idea if they'll consider her an adult or not but I'm more than willing to buy us each a couple drinks if the meal is free.

We already met another couple here on vacation, they came to check out Universal Studios. The centaur and Harper hit it off pretty well, each talking about the trouble they have with airlines not knowing what to do with them. We plan to hang out with them tonight after dinner. It's a lot cheaper to buy our own booze than hang out in the bar, there's a liquor store half a block away which boggled them a bit (they're from Washington where all the alcohol is at government stores), we brought a portable sound system, and they said they have some decent smoke. Besides I'd much rather chill with a couple newfound friends than have to pretend to be best buddies with a bunch of strangers in a bar. It should be fun.

I cant decide on where to take lilly for our honeymoon, any ideas?

>>153543

Go BASE jumping. Watch everyone else turn green with jealousy when all they have is their feeble wingsuits and she can actually fly.

well stonerbro finally moved out after Nicole had enough of his shit. Cheshire sold wonderland brownies right out of the house and almost got arrested apparently, so we decided we can have that

Also just got promoted so I can actually buy stuff that I want again. Yay

>>153552

Thats a fantastic idea

Looks like Garnet and Ivory have been avoiding me since that incident. I just finished rubbing the rattlesnake meat with rub. Now I'm waiting for the grill to heat up.

I asked the twins if they wanted to help me grill. They said that they have school work to do online. I've been checking up on them every three hours or so today. They've been typing away at their computer saying nothing.

Even at meal time Garnet and Ivory are focused on their tablet studying. I asked them what's wrong and they said nothing.

Hopefully it's just the twins catching up their school work after the move. Otherwise I think I goofed our relationship.

>>151966

Possible blog post incoming.

Finally back in the states again after a week or so in not-Japan. The more "urban" areas ("urban" being generic suburbia) are actually rather close to what you might see in an anime. Karen chuckled a bit, punched me in the arm, and called me a weeaboo when I mentioned this, and then told me not to tell anyone because they'd get upset. Karen's childhood home wasn't anything special either, just a simple small front yard/garden with a path leading from the sidewalk up to the front patio and door. Not going to bother with the other generic house stuff since that's boring.

I was a little surprised when all three of Karen's younger sisters answered the door before screaming in Japanese and jumping into her arms, although I suppose I should have expected people here to speak that language. Thank god nearly everyone in Zipangu (or at least where I visited) has some grasp on English because after making myself look like an idiot when trying to introduce myself to Karen's sisters in broken audio moonrunes, they giggled like schoolchildren (to be fair they were since the eldest of the three was only 12) and then started talking to me in English.

Karen's parents were at least better since they only joked about my shitty Japanese for a little bit. Also turns out that Karen is basically a younger version of her mother, at least with looks. Her mom's face is a bit softer, and she doesn't quite have the same muscle definition that Karen has. As for the rest of her, Karen's mom is what you'd expect a minotaur to be like after four children when comparing her to her eldest daughter. Karen's dad was your stereotypical Japanese businessman, if perhaps a bit more relaxed than one might think. Also, he kept his hair a bit longer than what you'd expect too. Karen's sisters also looked a little more like him than their mother as well.

Typing the shit I did over the course of an entire week would take too long and I don't really feel like it, so I'm just going to mention only a few important things. The rest of the stuff I did is what you'd expect a foreigner to do in his girlfriend's home country: going to every single fucking museum and local attraction as possible.

Anyways, it was probably the fourth or fifth night of seven when I managed to get Karen's parents alone after convincing them to have Karen go out with her sisters for some shopping. It was purely a formality of course, and I expected them to agree but was going to marry Karen even if they said no, but I asked them for their permission/blessing in marrying their eldest daughter. I told them that while I respect their decision as her parents, I didn't couldn't see myself with any other woman and I was going to ask Karen regardless of what they thought of me. Her mom almost started sobbing on the spot before crushing me with a hug after saying she'd love me as a son-in-law. Her father, however, was more stoic than usual and told me he'd think about it.

On my last night there, Karen's parents took her, her sisters, and I out to some fancy Japanese food place. Holy shit, if you ever get the chance to have Japanese food cooked by a real human bean Japanese chef, go for it. Anyways, later that night after acting like a filthy American pig dog and racking up the bill, we headed home and Karen and I cuddled in her room for a bit. After a while though things got a little more intimate, and she and I made love again for a few hours.

The next day after many a tearful goodbye from Karen's mom and her sisters to Karen, I was about halfway to the sidewalk when Karen's dad called out to me and saying he wanted to tell me something. He took a little black box out of his pocket and stuck it in my hand, and the only thing he said was "She'll understand." before giving me a small smile. Naturally Karen asked what her dad wanted, and I told her 'nothing'.

Planning on showing her that little black box in a few days after we get settled back in. I imagine though that when I do show Karen that box, her reaction is going to include more than a few happy tears. :^)

>>153770

Consequences will never be the same.

>>153799

Why is everyone jumping into waifuism? Harper's take is "ain't nobody got time for that."

Thank goodness for the unlimited towel supply from the swimming pool. (Yes this fleabag motel has a pool and a jacuzzi.) Otherwise the place would be just about soaked by now. Talk about irony, sliths don't have urethras (they dump uric acid straight into the fecal stream just like birds, to conserve water), but she's the biggest squirter ever.

We spent the morning at Hollywood Park Casino, had lunch there as well (not recommended actually, but she wanted hot dogs and they have a Pink's). She sucks at poker, as she has no ability to keep her emotions off her face, so I'm glad she was content to play $1/2 limit hold'em the whole time. I went off to the $2/5 no-limit table and picked up a few hundred dollars, which will cover her losses and our hotel room for our mini-exile.

They made her sit, or rather stand, directly on the floor because otherwise she occupies too much space at the table, and they take ten at limit tables. She got her tail run over by beverage carts a couple times too, which was more shocking than painful because they don't weigh anything. And of course she got the usual lack of respect from the old farts who think "women can't play poker". In her case they happen to be right.

People who used to be famous can be really annoying, especially when they're not famous anymore. I had David JUSTICE seated at my poker table, and he kept pulling the "don't you know who I am" routine until one old Jewish guy finally said "yeah you're an annoying cunt and a shitty poker player, but every table needs a cash machine". Both of them apologized to each other later, so hopefully the point got through. I picked up maybe $80 off the guy, so I wasn't about to bitch about him being moderately annoying. It would have been more if he hadn't sucked out on a couple hands.

Dude, just because you were a good baseball player, that doesn't mean you're necessarily good at anything else. Earn your respect.

Enough blabbing, time to wreck some more towels.

Just as I pulled the snake off the grill I got ambushed by a pair of hugs. I hear two identical voices say, "we're finished."

"That's nice," I replied apathetically. I can hear Garnet mutter, "geeze, have some compassion."

I told Garnet, "I mean I'd love to, but I'm not sure if I'm going to be bit or raped." Garnet and Ivory coil up as if they're hiding behind their tail.

"Listen girls. I don't hate you. I actually quite enjoy your company."

I could see Garnet's and Ivory's eyes light up.

"However you both have a long way to go building my trust. It's not about my health. It's about whether or not I can trust you not to harm other humans out of instinct."

Garnet and Ivory sunk behind their tail. I bring out the rest of dinner: sasauges, potato salad, roasted corn, and coleslaw (the sides ate mostly for me though).

"We humans try things in what are called 'baby steps'. Little things one at a time."

Garnet and Ivory slithered up to the table. They each grabbed half a grilled snake and begin eating. They seemed quite impressed with the flavor.

Dinner's discussion was mostly about laying down some house rules, lists of chores, and scheduling plans between the twins' online classes and walking around town. We have to be extra careful in this neighborhood because Mexicans smash beer bottles in the street.

While I wait for the training spears I suppose we need to pick a place to visit next week. Could maybe arrange a ride out of town. Any ideas?

>>153877

some of us are lonely sods mate, not much we can do and if happiness approaches then we'll take it, not to mention a lot of the girls in the system are using it as a free dating service in a sense

actually so much so that here in the US we've had to adjust the system because we'd have girls asking to be bounced around so many times. We've placed a limit and we actually saw a bit of a drop off, though to be fair, the ones who wanted out of the program ended up being the kind to 'proactively date'

In lighter news, This monday I'm making the big move, I asked my mum to take Millie out on the town while I prep stuff, I just have to sign some paper work

actually now that I'm reminded of work I just remembered a while back I had a buddy bug Millie's computer to see what she was looking at, kinda tempted

I can't find any good Churches in the area for the wedding with lilly because im in the middle of the bible belt and terrible baptist churches are a dime a dozen here

>>154217

I know life in the bible belt. Hell I'm surprised the babtists didn't come flooding on my porch to protest me housing mamono.

Fucking let me post Hotwheels!

>>154217

I'm lucky in the fact that I live no where NEAR the Bible Belt.

West coast is best coast. Except California Commiefornia. The San Andreas Fault can take that festering pile of degeneracy with it.

>>154217

Did you manage to find any of those newfangled Justician temples instead?

>>154217

There are some ordained ministers that work with DHEP on this situation, but outside that I dunno

>>153379

Stare back? Touch fluffy tail?

>>154251

Alabama is full of Paladindudus, Paladindu sympathizers, and baptist that refuse to even dance

>>154458

http://www.ulc.org/

Getting ready to pass out for the night here, had a very long day. Started with taking some last opportunities to wreck some more towels, then headed for the airport to get Jake. Flight was delayed due to weather (connecting flight, not here) and we ended up eating Pizza Slut in the airport. Harper seems to be acclimating to a Burgerland diet, when she's… well, I don't even want to talk about what she's been doing with the ice chest containing the arms. I have to leave the room when she does.

Jake's flight came in two and a half hours late, and imagine our surprise when there were only a handful of humans on the entire flight. Otherwise it was all monsters of various shapes and sizes. There was a ki-rin, a couple cobra lamias steering well clear of Jake, and whole assortment of others I don't even know the names of. Some of them were clearly families here on vacation, but others looked like DHEP candidates, or maybe just girls (and some boys) looking for Hollywood stardom.

So Jake came off the plane near to last, still chatting with a couple humans. Several of the other passengers took special trouble to get out of their way. She introduced herself to me (as if that was necessary) and then to the people in the group – one of whom was a guy who looked a lot like Danny DeVito. Turns out this was Tony from Legal Assistance. Tony says "it is my pleasure to reunite mother and daughter. Welcome to the United States". He hands attempts to hand Harper a folder full of documents, but realizes that will have to wait until after the handshake. He and his cow-orkers depart, and Jake stands silent while Harper sifts through the papers. There is a lot to be signed and returned, typical government bureaucracy, but at the back is a fancy pink page.

"Funny, I was expecting it to be, you know, green. " I explained that once upon a time, green cards were indeed green, just like the money used to be entirely green, but for anti-counterfeiting reasons, both have changed over time.

We wandered over to collect the baggage, and as Harper had warned me would probably be the case, both of Jake's checked bags were exactly at the 20kg limit, plus she had a carry-on. Good thing they had wheels, although one of them broke a wheel in the parking lot.

We headed straight back to the fleabag motel, my car complaining with the extra strain. We're staying one more night because the house should be habitable tomorrow. It didn't make sense to relocate for such a short period of time. Sadly, our new friends have already started on their way back home, since they have plans to meet with other people they know up in wine country along the way.

(to be continued)

>>154627

By this time, it was already getting on the early dinner time at the bar-and-grill, so Jake brought out her little gift: a liter of Slithen "gin". It doesn't really have a name yet, but gin is good enough considering it's ethanol and berry flavor. Like 90% ethanol. I doubted that it had been legal to check that in her baggage and she just smiled at me. "It helps to make friends with the crew." I wonder what kind of "friends" she meant, but I didn't ask. Anyhow, both of them took theirs with only a hint of water, while I had to mix almost equal proportions. We all had a pretty good buzz going before we went to dinner, and then we had to have a couple more drinks each, per the rules. Nobody asked for Jake's ID, though I don't know if there are even laws against serving alcohol to monsters of any age.

Jake got the stank-eye from the restaurant staff as we entered. I guess they've had problems with lamias cleaning out the meat supplies in a hurry in the past, but they needn't have worried despite the fact that she's uh… round. The entire flight had been fed very well. It keeps them from getting on each others' nerves and slows them down if fights do break out. Neither alcohol nor caffeine had been served on the flight, since it can be a logistical nightmare making sure the wrong species don't get the wrong beverages.

After that, we sat for a while and talked, at first in the bar and then in the room. Once we had sobered up slightly and digested some food, we went swimming. Or more accurately, I casually did laps while Harper and Jake raced. Good God can sliths swim fast, even fat ones. Now I see why the Slithen equivalent of Navy SEALs are legendary despite the fact that Slithen is landlocked. Both of them managed to lose their skirts in the process, which I had to hang onto until they were ready to exit the water. I did say we only sobered up a bit, so it wasn't long before both of them were giving young children water rides on their backs.

The pool closes at 10 pm, so we finally had to head back to the room and have been watching a Slithen soap opera that Jake brought with her. I don't understand a word of it, but I don't think I'm missing all that much. They explained the important bits, and it sounds just like a Mexican Telenovela, except in Slithen instead of Mexico.

Jake is on the short list for a job with DHEP Legal Assistance. If she gets it, she would receive at H1B visa of her own.

Time to sign off, in the morning we get to go home.

>>154628

We're back. The place looks spiffy with a new coat of paint across the entire front where the entryway was reinforced with steel. Anyone trying to enter by brute force again will have to splinter the door itself. The frame is not going to give. The carpet has also been replaced in the living room. The contractor wanted to know how all that blood got there, obviously suspecting something nefarious, and I was about to give him the "if you don't want scary answers, don't ask scary questions" line when Harper held up her currently bandaged arm. I watched the color drain from the guy's face, and he just gave me the clipboard and said "sign here".

Her arm is bandaged because during one of those swim races last night, she managed to tear the webbing between her new fingers while reaching for the wall. It's nothing serious, and in fact that webbing will end up disappearing on its own, but right now it hurts.

Jake is getting settled in next door, but I told her (and her mother fully agrees) that she cannot connect her laptop to our network until we have had a chance to inspect it thoroughly. She asked what it would take to get a bed upgrade of her own, and I said I have a waterbed frame in pieces in the garage, though it will need a mattress. She had never heard of a waterbed, but now she wants one badly – especially the heater part. She boggled that everything is "so expensive" here, but she has it wrong. It's not that things are so expensive, it's that the exchange rate sucks because Slithen has very little to offer that we want to buy, and we don't go there on vacations. (We have plenty of desert.)

Until Jake's laptop passes inspection, she's stuck with my little netbook, or sharing the laptop I have lent to Harper. Both of them like my studio machine, but it's not mobile (desktop PC, four monitors) and has a strange keyboard.

She might sign on later, if anyone has any questions. Right now it's her turn to make lunch. "Since when?" she just asked. "Since you bragged what a good cook you are," I shot back and she sighed loudly.

Harper, meanwhile, is back to catching up on work, checking into a couple more papers that came out in our absence. She knew they were there but figured they could wait. These are in snakerunes so I haven't a clue what they say.

I expected to hear back from Ned by now, or someone in his organization, but things have been silent so far. Maybe he's still spooked by what happened. I can't say I blame him. I've had some bad dreams myself the last few nights. You could argue that they weren't people and that I only did what I had to do. I'll agree with the second part, but I defy you to look Harper and Jake in the face, and speak to them for an hour, and tell me they're not people. I don't know Jake all that well yet, but she's not stupid, and Harper is at least as intelligent as I am, just oriented in a different direction.

>>154473

Ehh in Kansas it's only triggered sjws who do that. That and Westboro but who cares bout them?

>>154715

Back from the DMV, and lunch. Harper is now officially allowed to drive as a student driver on California roads. She still can't drive my car, because it has a manual transmission and she doesn't have the capacity to work the throttle, brake, and clutch simultaneously. If I had a hand clutch, she might, but we'll be looking for a car of her own in a couple weeks. I'm not looking to have mine modified, beyond the removal of one seat. She is already working on designing a driver's seat that will accommodate both her and Jake, in the expectation that Jake will need to drive as well. The current sketches involve a roll cage and something that looks more like a hammock than a seat, attached to that roll cage. I told her that if she gets a Jeep Wrangler, she won't even have to have a roll cage installed, and she just might do this despite the poor fuel efficiency.

The arms are now completely consumed, but for the bones and connective tissues. Now we have to figure out what to do with the rest. Just burying them would open the possibility of an investigation at some point, as (to my untrained eye) they are indistinguishable from the same bones from a petite human.

Speaking of the arms, Harper filled Jake in on what went down last week, and Jake wanted to see the remains. She took only a minimal piece of skin as a symbolic consumption and said "I always suspected I'd be seeing Aunt Kai again, and under unpleasant circumstances. I'm just glad the unpleasantness is all on her side."

Jake's laptop checks out clean on the hardware end, but we still insisted that she wipe the drive and reinstall. Her media files have been pushed to flash drives. Heaven forbid she lose her soap operas.

anon laughed at jake when she said she'd hide from someone. she got pretty upset, and i almost jumped in to defend her, but no, she's a big girl and can do that herself. she proved it too when she faked a trip to the garage and stowed away in the furnace closet. a few minutes later when anon went to see what she was doing, she burst out of the closet and startled the hell out of him. jake 1, anon 0.

anyone who wants to reach me, i'm at harpsnek@waifu.club.

Ho boy. For the past two days things have been anything but dull with the conjoined twin snakes.

First off Garnet and Ivory are still doing everything they can to sexually arouse me. Yesterday I caught Garnet and Ivory kissing each other in plain sight. Luckily I have exclusive control over the thermostat remotely. So I occasionally drop the temperature a few degrees if the twins get too aggressive.

However this Friday I'm required by contract to take Garnet and Ivory into town. I decided to take Garnet and Ivory to the WWII museum here. Right now we're constantly practicing public manners for both rattlers and humans.

Today Garnet and Ivory dropped a tablet into my lap with the weather forecast. Friday looks like it is going to be a very warm day. I can feel the twins stare at me thinking "soon".

Ms. Corona has "business" this weekend. And with no thermostat to protect me I suppose I'll have to deal with their behavior sooner than later. I'm betting that the twin snakes praying on the weak is a self-esteem thing.

I hope I'm right.

>>155548

>praying on the weak

prey.

pray is what you need to be doing because i have yet to meet conjoined twins of any species that weren't completely off their rockers. there is a reason we leave ours as an offering to the buzzards, if they don't get eaten in utero by a non-freakshow sibling.

anon says if i don't write about this, he will, so i suppose the best defense is a good offense. i'm not always "the biggest squirter ever" as anon put it. it's just an innate form of contraception we have at our disposal. he found that out lat night when we did some things that didn't involve leaving a deposit at the bank and i didn't feel compelled to flush. he almost wouldn't stop because he couldn't believe i'd had enough. he has quite a nimble tongue for a human. i don't know if i am capable of conceiving a child with a human, or indeed at all after my treatment. i was past breeding age before it. but i wasn't inclined to take any chances.

jake knows what's going on, though she pretends not to. she has been going on about how she wants to meet a nice boy but the laws are so unfair. i pointed out that while the laws here prohibit sex between people and non-people, they don't say anything about non-people and non-people. this means there is nothing on the books to keep her from chasing the minotaur boy that was on her flight, for example. i also pointed out that if push comes to shove, being able to swear in court that she consented will most likely serve as proof of legal personhood, and she said the legal assistance folks agree with me, although there is no telling with this supreme court. it's certainly something i'm keeping in mind if someone makes an issue of it.

>>155548

>WW2 museum

make sure they dont try to get in the tanks if its hands on, bad things will happen

>>155603

Sneks und Panzer LOL

/j

>>153799

I never thought I'd be the type to do so, but Karen said yes.

I decided to take Karen out on another date again yesterday, except this time it was one of those real fancy dates. The one with the sparkling dress for her and monkey suit for me, romantic candle-lit dinner with a wine/entree combo that costs the same amount of money as I make in a month, and then some pretentious Broadway show afterwards.

Dinner was pretty damn good, and I didn't understand the show's plot at all because I was staring at Karen too much. Who knew a minotaur could wear a sleeveless and backless ruby red dress so well. Didn't help that thanks to the fact that it had been a few days since I had helped Karen, her breasts were a bit bigger than they normally are and she was nearly falling out of her dress for half the night.

Anyways, after we got back to my our home and put most of our things away, we cuddled on the couch a bit and I eventually steered the conversation over to marriage. The culture surrounding marriage with minotaurs is different but also the same as with humans. The male courts the female, and then the male has to "prove" himself to the female's parents. How that's done varies between families, but it boils down to: is she happy with him, is he "strong" enough to handle her, and can he provide for his family.

Another tradition with marriage is that the father passes down the ring he used to propose to his wife to his eldest daughter's suitor when he has "proven" himself, or the suitor of whichever daughter gets proposed to first. It's also a social norm for the eldest daughter to get married first, as it's some sort of mother-to-daughter thing, and she also wears the inheritance ring until the point in time where it and the wedding ring – picked by her husband of course – are swapped during the ceremony. Then the cycle repeats.

After talking for a bit on that, I asked her if she had any plans for getting married, and she said she had none at the moment. Being a cheeky fucker, I took the little black box with her mother's inheritance ring out of my pocket, opened it up, and told her she has plans now. She nearly crushed my spine when she hugged me before letting go and choked out an "I love you." with tears in her eyes. As per minotaur tradition, I then put the ring on her left ring finger, and then I broke tradition and kissed her.

Our self-control lasted all of thirty seconds before we were in the bedroom, our outfits were on the floor, and I was making sweet, passionate love to my fiancée while switching from kissing her on the lips over and over to kissing her everywhere else or sucking on her heavenly bosom. She meanwhile either reciprocated my kisses or gasped and moaned into my ear while hugging me tenderly.

>>155648

Bom Chicka Bow Wow

I gotta listen to this shit going on in the next room too.

/j

It's like monsoon season here. Rain going sideways and shit.

I've always liked the rain though. Rain means another year of survival in Slithen. From what I understand, they needed it almost as badly here.

And no mere weather could keep me down. I GOT THE JOB! I start Monday! They're going to help me find my own place closer to the office so I don't have to drive, but that can't happen until 1 April so I told them to find a place with a pool.

Until then, Anon will have to take me to the Universal City station every morning, and I'll get picked up at Pershing Square. Since I won't know my end time each day until it happens, I get cab fare back to the house from the station.

/j

Man my updates arre infrequent aren't they? my job's had me move from my comfy zone low risk shit into more desk work

In any case about last tuesday after finalizing paper work I took Millie to the new home we're set to move in once DHEP does some upgrading I requisitioned.

I Tell her to head upstairs to the master bedroom, lying about forgetting something in there, told her I had to check the circuit breaker in the basement to see if it's still using the old fuse type system.

So she goes upstairs and I try to figure her place. She shouts down she found a small black box and asks if it's what I left. Of course I tell her yeah and to open it.

Ahead of time I had stuck a piece of paper with "Will you?" inside the box with the ring I had picked out with her birthstone set in it.

By this time I've started to walk upstairs myself and she's standing there holding the box, she turns around and sees me standing in the door way. I've got this massive shit eating grin on my face, meanwhile she's tearing up. So I repeat the question to her, this time face to face.

She runs over to me, pretty much crushes me in a squeeze and answers yes.

We're still working out a date, most likely in spring, she wants her ring refitted with my birthstone in it to make it a bit more symbolic. Fine by me really, the last few days have been a bit tiring too, Millie seems to be a bit more into sex lately.

Friday night she was wearing pretty much nothing but a see through babydoll when she came to bed, mounted me and had me drink from her breasts while she rode me.

All in all pretty good week, minor incident in having to wrangle an escape kitsune that has a track record of running from it's host family

>>156397

>mounted me and had me drink from her breasts while she rode me

What is with the cow-based monstergirls and riding their husbandos while said husbando drinks directly from her chest? Same damn thing happened to me with Karen later that night when I proposed to her.

Anyways, nice going man!

>>156404

I do not know and I do not mind.

Though I think I've been a bit too serious maybe, I asked her how she felt about having children, her eyes seemed to light up at that. I can cash in on all that paid vacation for when/if we have a kid

>>156411

I was planning on asking Karen what she thought of children closer to our wedding, since I'm planning on seeing if she wants to get off birth control a bit before so we can consummate our marriage that night, if you know what I mean. And yes, I mean more missionary while holding hands with the lights off, except this time with the added purpose of procreation. It's her favorite position, so don't blame me.

>>156413

didn't you already knock her up or am I confusing you with someone else?

speaking of holstaur, I've been mixing Millie's milk with my iced tea lately and it's a unique flavor to say the least

>>156428

Nah, that was just a scare and the reason why she decided to go on birth control since neither of us were ready for a child at that point.

A few months from now though might be a little different though.

>>156430

Fair enough. Best of luck to you two I'll post whenever

>>156439

Likewise.

Something I just looked up though might be useful to know. No idea if it's true for all holstaurs or just purely anecdotal, but apparently when a holstaur is with child her milk production increases to something that might be a little difficult to manage, if you catch my drift. Also thanks to the hormones she might be more amorous than usual.

Might ask Karen about this and see if it's actually true, not just for holstaurs but minotaurs as well.

>>156389

Yeah, nothing in the world like an evening of "I could have been killed" sex.

I'm glad you were able to resolve the situation without actually having to kill anyone though. I'm still having nightmares about it almost every night.

On the bright side, there are exactly zero cases on the record of successful slith-human hybrids. The mega-squirting has ceased. Now it's just a little bit, some of the time.

Harper has worked out that it would be better if she and Jake have different driving seats, rather than relying on adjustments, even if they did share a car. For one thing, they don't sit the same distance from the wheel. So, she has been working on a prototype for herself alone. I do own an old but still quite functional sewing machine, and we got a large roll of seat belt strap, and she has been making her hammock seat out of that.

Her little fingers have really accelerated their growth, and not surprisingly, she has been more protein-hungry. The webbing she tore in the pool started to heal then started disappearing at the same time, which was kind of strange. While still connected, each of the double-fingers is starting to separate, from the claws downward, and they're becoming more flexible and useful. She complains about the constant itching, but apparently that's the price of regeneration. "New neurons mean new maps have to be drawn. Numbing the itch means these maps don't get drawn." Makes sense, but it still sounds really annoying.

Going to speed through last weeks events as brief as I can.

Last Friday Garnet, Ivory, and I went to WWII Museum. The museum was paid heavily to let only the twins and I in for three hours. I'm starting to question where the funds are coming from. Either way the paparazzi-proofing worked.

Garnet was bored out of her mind. Meanwhile Ivory was heavily enthusiastic. Ivory spent most of her time talking to the curators about where the tanks and plane came from, what were they used for, ect. Well until Garnet started to pull Ivory away it was a fairly good time.

We left the museum about noon. Garnet asked if we can go see a movie or something since the theatre was close enough to walk. I reluctantly agreed to follow Garnet's plan despite Ivory's protest. Hopefully there isn't a paparazzi ambush waiting for us.

All the way down the road the twins did nothing but bicker at each other. It would have been fine if the bickering was about the museum but no. No it wasn't. It was two snakes having a non-stop bitch fest about each other's habits, and why they hate living together, and why life could have been better without one or the other. It wouldn't have bern so bad if the twins didn't drag the issue on and on.

Then I had to pull the twins by the tail to get them out of the street because they were almost hit by an eighteen wheeler. After spending about half an hour lecturing them the twins just gave me that "yeah, I get it look. Had to drill it into their heads they were almost fucking roadkill just minutes ago! If I wasn't looking out for the twins they'd be dead by now.

And then they had the nerve, the fucking nerve, to congratulate me for doing my job. No empathy in that statement.

"Thanks for looking out for us."

"Please look out for us in the future."

I called our ride at that moment. Garnet and Ivory tried to coil around me trying to keep me from speed dialing. Too late. I told the ride that we need to be picked up immediately to head home. Of course this caused the twins to make a scene by having them wrap around me.

Did I mention they scared the band of niglets walking past us? Yeah. The niglets called their friends from the hood to surround us. They were all recording with their smart phones as I tried to slip out of the twins' grasp. This caused Ivory and Garnet to coil around me and rattle their tail so loud it caused everyone to cover their eats. One of the kids tried to confront Garnet. Garnet unhinged her jaw and drew fangs. The kid ran away while his shit asshole friends recorded everything. Gee thanks guys. You're such good friends I can't wait for the social media lynch mob to bully the kid into suicide.

And if word gets out then I'll have a literal lynch mob at my door steps.

Luckily we were in a part of the neighborhood that has zero cell phone reception. Because our ride showed up, along with three other vehicles. The niglet down the street has been detained. Meanwhile the gang was starting to break away as the human agents pulled their bagdes and began questioning the situation. Ms. Corona arrived and sprayed the twins with ice cold water to get them to release me. Luckily I was so strong that I could resist the coil. My shoulder still hurts to this day.

Ms. Corona quickly moved us into her vehicle before the city police and the news team arrived.

Probably should keep my mouth shut until the heat clears because we just had an anti-monster protest this Sunday on live radio. Gawker goons are probably in town today trying to get the scoop on the twins. Luckily no one knows where they live.

I was told that I did the right thing all they way through. But it wasn't the best way. Not for the twins.

I need to try to sleep tonight. This is the third day in a row I couldn't sleep at night.

>>157622

If you have any issues you feel are not being adequately addressed by your client representative, or if you find that the health and well-being of your exchange student(s) is/are in jeopardy, please contact DHEP Legal Assistance at (888) 867-5309. For less urgent matters, please feel free to contact me personally at jakedasnake@firemail.cc.

Thank you, keep calm, and carry on.

/j

Police are all over the neighborhood, particularly in the yard of the neighbors across the street – the ones that had been renting a room to the two assassin sliths. I don't blame the neighbors, they didn't know why those two were here, but has it really taken this long for someone too notice they're missing? Or is this just the first time anyone has officially investigated it? They didn't care to check when the reconstruction was taking place on the house.

I am dreading a knock on the door.

>>157873

Take her to a nice restaurant

>>155648

Not much of an update this time around, but Karen and I more or less have our wedding planned. Should be happening in a few months if everything goes according to plan.

Managed to find a place on the coast that did weddings, and they were kind enough to add on a small bungalow-type house thing that had a bedroom with windows facing both east and west. That way she and I could relax in bed and watch either the sunrise, sunset, or both. It's also about a five minute walk from the beach, so that's a plus.

Ceremony itself won't be much, just your standard thing. Only real thing special about it is that it's on a cliffside close to where Karen and I will be staying for a few days afterwards.

Planning on having the reception down on the beach, and the whole thing is going to be in the evening so we can do a bonfire during the reception.

Don't tell Karen, but I plan on princess-carrying her over the threshold of our bungalow thing after we turn in for the night and inevitably make love all night long.I'm also planning on princess-carrying her over the threshold of my our home when we finally get back to it and knowing her she's gonna wanna break in our bed, even though we've already used it.

>>157873

And so it begins.

Sorry I haven't been posting much, and this one isn't going to be terribly upbeat either.

Suffice to say that the human (or at least Western) and slith attitudes toward violence and the value of life may prove to be… problematic for the continued relationship between the two species. I suppose some degree of this is baked into our biology. I mean sliths literally have to eat their own siblings just to make it to birth, and then aren't treated as individuals – or even given a name – until they are three years old. Until then, they are regarded as the property of the mother, to do with as she pleases. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that life is relatively cheap among them, even with relatively enlightened individuals like Harper. For someone who rails against government mistreatment of the population, including her, she sure does seem to have internalized the fundamental principles of their society.

It started when I found some lead shot that had made it through the wall into the bedroom, and had enough energy to embed itself pretty firmly into the carpet. I kept kicking at it, not knowing what it was, until I got down there and checked. I had to crush it with pliers to get it unwrapped from the fibers. It probably wouldn't have hurt anyone in that room if they had been directly struck by it unless it landed in an eye or something, but that wasn't the point. It was a tangible, physical reminder that I had to use lethal force against two home invaders two weeks ago. I've been sort of unsettled about the whole thing since it happened, but this put me on tilt.

I was listening to death metal (which is exceptionally rare for me) at an unhealthy volume level, and Harper wandered in. I didn't even notice, I guess I was staring straight through the world rather than at it. She stood there for I don't know how long before turning the amplifier down to a level she could talk over. That's when I finally noticed she was there, and she wanted to kow what was wrong with me. I tried explaining the problems I have been experiencing, and she said it's something that I have to get used to.

I said excuse me, but what? I'm not going to "get used to" gunning down assassins in my own home. I'm not going to "get used to" keeping a loaded shotgun at the side of the bed at night. She said that this is "just life" and I said I didn't sign up for this. She tried to reassure me that I had made the right decisions under extreme pressure, and been able to shoot sufficiently straight as well. She added that she had not forgotten what I had done for her, but it was time to move on. I took exception to the idea that I should just be able to say "oh well, they deserved it" and stick to the patterns that got us in that mess in the first place.

She pointed out that while they are undoubtedly taking their time to carefully consider their next move, they will try again. I said that we were damn lucky I was already set up to defend against one perceived threat – Ned – when the next one arrived. We couldn't count on being that lucky twice. I didn't sign on for this, either. Who is going to pick up the bodies and scrub the floor next time? What if they're ours?

She just said "I understand," and went outside to make a call, or possibly several calls. She was out there over an hour. Hours later, when Jake came back, she announced that "it had been decided" that it would be simpler for all concerned if she stayed with one of her co-workers until the end of the month, since they already live in the apartment complex DHEPLA has chosen for her. The movers will be along in the morning. I just gave her a hug and told her "congratulations". An hour or so after that, Harper asked if I would prefer if she moved in with Jake when the time comes. I said I needed time to think about that, and she said "That's enough of an answer for me. I'll make it happen."

It is noteworthy that she still went to sleep in my bed. I'm not sure what to make of this. I guess we'll figure it out tomorrow.

Looks like today is going to be interesting.

First, an update from last week. St. Pattie's was fun. Apparently three people tried to start a riot outside of my house. It was the niglette and I guess his girlfriend and his mom raising signs. Luckily the town was too drunk to care to give much attention. They tried to get the news channel here but luckily the Mexicans chased the trio out of the neighborhood.

We did get a call from the news nation. They were more interested in interviewing the twins than the viral video of the kids surrounding them (which got deleted from Youtube for guidelines violations). I declined. I'll have to consult Ms. Corona whether or not I'm allowed to communicate with the news network. We'll call them once we get confirmation (pretty much never).

As for today as I was reading the mamono shitpost chat logs a six foot tall crate was delivered to my door. The crate is now sitting in the living room. There is no return address but it seems the package was sent to "Ms. MeTWOsa" (classy pen name girls).

The twins are at their appointment with their therapist. I'll have to ask…

Hold on. There's knocking. And it sounds like it's coming from inside the crate.

The fuck is in here?

>>158663

It doesn't matter if you are "allowed" to talk to the press. You are not working on the Manhattan Project. If there are any terms in your contract that claim you may not communicate with certain parties, they will not stand up in court. You can be restricted from discussing certain topics, if your employment involves trade secrets or the like, but this is predicated upon receiving compensation for your work. If you are not being compensated, you cannot be contractually obligated to just keep your mouth shut. This is a favorite tactic of government and corporations alike, but it only works because people don't know when these clauses can and cannot be enforced.

We at DHEPLA, however, do.

You know where to reach me.

/j

>>158666

I'll contact you after I figure out what the hell is inside the crate.

Ouch…

My back…

Is going to hate me tomorrow.

Why?

Well, the more I think about it the more I realize that Ms. Corona might not be too happy with the twins ordering a crate that knocks back at you. I tested it myself by knocking pints and a half pint or however you say it. Two cents knocked back.

The crate is in my office behind locked doors. Looks like the twin snakes are back from their appointment now. Hope they don't mind me laying flat on the floor right now.

I just finished taking a tepid shower. I'm having a bit of trouble falling asleep. It's kind of hard to when I'm cuddling a lovely woman.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

The woman currently next to.me is what you call a PDA, or Personal Doll Assistant. She's quite similar to a living doll except that she's a limited AI. So her soul is articicially engineered and programed.

What does the shower have to do with her you might ask. Well this PDA is anatomically correct. It's also required maintenance that she has sex on a periodical basis for sensory calibration.

At first I asked if she could legally have sex with the twins because I thought that's what she was for.

Well…

The woman was also just my type. She not only had fair hair tied into twin tails. She also had freckles dotting all over her body. While I did notice the joints at first the way she moved, the way she spoke, and especially the way her body felt and responded to my foreplay was surprisingly natural. As for the body well she obviously has breasts and hips. Her breasts are clearly E-cup at least but her legs and arms were well toned, not muscular, but not weak either. And she had this gentle hourglass figure that I traced that made her feel like a youthful nee-san than ara-ara.

Did I also mention that I could any time take her apart and she could still feel everything even when her body parts are detatched?

I'm going to have to give the PDA a name. I asked the twins as I was assembling her. But they giggled and said the doll is best used to help me rather than them.

Hope I don't get in trouble for this.

>>158859

I had to consult with Tony, but he says that as long as you're not in the 13th Appellate Court jurisdiction – because they have not ruled definitively on the Texas Obscenity Statute – this is legal. It doesn't particularly feel right to me, but my feels are irrelevant.

That presumes, of course, that you are being honest about the lady's level of AI. But be warned that, like age of consent laws, the liability is solely yours for any violations of the law even if she is lying to you.

/j

Great, this is just the news I needed.

http://www.medicaldaily.com/nightmares-ptsd-suicidal-thoughts-378437

I hope this really refers to chronic nightmares. I have no way of knowing how long mine are going to go on, but I don't imagine it will be anything like the problems soldiers end up with.

I hope.

>>158666

Are you seriously implying the DHEP makes people sign unenforceable contracts? Talk about biting the hand that feeds you. I sure hope your boss has your back on this one, Jake.

>>159126

LOL he's got my back and my front and my bottom too.

To us, PDA means Public Display of Affection, and it is strongly discouraged between co-workers. It's difficult though.

/j

>>159329

I heard in Sweden a public display of affection is a criminal offense. Either that or it can be warped into a bullying charge.

So May, the personal doll assistant, has been a great help around the house in general. The only thing May cannot do is cook. Not because she can't, but because she's programmed to follow recipes at sea level (story behind that is May ended up burning the biscuits for breakfast this morning).

However Garnet and Ivory seem to be more "irritable" lately. We've been going on neighborhood walks about every day to hopefully blow off some steam.

Yesterday I got a sinus infection and had to stay in bed to burn the fever. That entire day Garnet and Ivory fought with May and each other over who can nurse me back to health. It gotten to the point where the twins drew fangs at each other. I had to step in.

I laid myself between the twins hoping that they have enough sense to stop. Garnet and Ivory withdrew their fangs. They know the consequences of their bite at least.

I think the twins are more jealous of May. I'm glad that Garnet and Ivory are warming up to me. I'm considering giving the twins more work around the house hoping to train their cooperation.

I think they must have felt so useless at home. I took a sneak peek at the twins' progress reports. They aren't exactly outstanding grades.

I'll have to council the twins tomorrow about that. They can't join the military. So academics is the next best thing to prove mom they aren't a mistake.

>>159789

>MAGA hat

I'd love to get one of those, but my state sold out to fucking Rat Cruz and Hillary.

The twins are washing dishes by hand today. I found out the twins work together individual tasks instead of sharing one. Makes sense that both sisters want to be independent.

I have to change clothes now. Garnet and Ivory gave me a warm soapy hug. And you know how snek hugs go by now.

>>159789

You realize of course that part of MAGA would be to deport all mamonos along with anyone with a religion that isn't on the Officially Approved List, right? Go ahead, keep supporting interests diametrically opposed to your own.

>>159991

His words now. Not comparing them to the other things he has already said that are in direct contradiction to what he says now. That's unbiased? No, that's letting him cherry-pick his statements to best fit the audience in front of him right that moment – something he admittedly does as well as any politician I've ever seen.

While it is true you're not going to get an unbiased view from any news outlet, you're also not going to get it from him.

>>160111

>Paladindudus

Never shitpost drunk, anons.

>>159923

Alunya pls

>>>/leftymonster/

>>160112

>Paladindudududus

How far can we take this?

>>160178

Paladindudoodooheads

>>160178

Not far enough

>>160178

>>160181

Paladidindunutinhewasagoodboijustgointochoirpracticeafterprayerschool

Oh man… So glad for that wind change. Otherwise we might have to have evacuate town. Both in fiction and IRL.

>>160352

Finally home. Perhaps I should elaborate more.

Today around three in the afternoon the sky became dark. At first I thought the time was around now. However I noticed smoke in the streets. I stepped outside to see that the neighborhood, nay the entire city, was full of smoke. Garnet and Ivory slithered outside to see where the smoke was. At that moment Ms. Corona drove by next to use with a sizable SUV. "Wild grass fires are approaching the city from the west side. I had to assist evacuating Ms. Unicorn. Mind if we crash here?"

I could see Ms. Unicorn hunched over inside of the SUV. I couldn't let her stay in there. It's at least an hour and a half drive to the city.

"Sure, come in."

As I turned around I noticed that the door had been shut. Must be the wind, I thought. Until I turned the knob; door's locked. I didn't lock the door.

Ms. Corona examined the door. "Oh my! Did you accidentally lock yourself out?"

I chuckled nervously. "I think I might have, mam," I said. "Garnet and Ivory should be inside. I can just call them and…"

Ms. Corona brandished some sort of skeleton key. It literally has a skull at the end. However the key itself has no teeth. "I always wanted to try this out," Ms. Corona said with a wink. "Don't worry, if it breaks your lock we'll buy you a replacement."

I tried to persuade Ms. Corona. "You could get Ms. Unicorn out of the van while I get the twins. I mean they're both adults." Ms. Corona lowered her sunglasses to stare. "To human standards at least. Anyway even as children the twins are capable of undoing a couple of locks, right?"

Ms. Corona slipped the key into the lock regardless. Once she twists the skull's head she then turned the key and the door unlocks. "Wonderful! It actually does work. Those gnomes know what they were talking about." Ms. Corona turns the knob to the door and pushed.

Door doesn't budge.

She then turns her head to me with a frown. She whined, "door's stuck."

Okay, now I know that I have been locked out of my own home. "Well then I must have accidentally found out how to dead bolt the door. Probably the first human in current year plus to do so." Ms. Corona rolls her eyes.

"Umm… We can try the back door if you wish."

Ms. Corona lifted her leg. Oh shit! She's going to break down the door. "Sorry, but I now have a suspicion that I need to break into your house. DHEP rules."

God damn it DHEP…

I closed my eyes. I didn't want to watch this beautiful door frame get splintered. Just then the door clicked. And shortly after I hear a thud. I was expecting to hear a crack. When I opened my eyes I see Ms. Corona has fallen on the white underbelly of a giant snake tail. Garnet and Ivory apologize profusely. The twins alternated their lines so fast I couldn't tell who was who speaking.

"We're sorry."

"We're so sorry."

"We didn't know who you were so we dead bolted the door."

"Then we left a moment to handle some things."

"Then we remembered anon was out the door."

"We opened the door for him and…"

Ms. Corona stood up and brushed her suit. "Easy girls. I'm alright. You're not hurt are you."

The twins looked at each other confused.

"I meant your tail." Ms. Corona pointed out.

The twins stand attentively. "Oh! We're fine."

I step inside the house. "I'll make sure the door doesn't lock while you get Ms. Unicorn." Ms. Corona bows. "Of course."

Ms. Corona quickly goes outside and opens the trunk of the SUV. Ms. Corona carefully helps Ms. Unicorn climb out of the trunk. There Ms. Unicorn wobbles herself on the yard where she collapses in the turf. As Ms. Unicorn spreads herself over the grass she said, "grass, sweet grass, and earth, and open air. Oh how I miss thee."

Ms. Corona heads back inside. "Give her about five minutes. Ms. Unicorn cannot stand car rides."

I said nothing. Ms. Corona is still looking around my house at this moment as I type. I'll have to get you back later.

>>160396

>Ms. Corona quickly goes outside and opens the trunk of the SUV. Ms. Corona carefully helps Ms. Unicorn climb out of the trunk. There Ms. Unicorn wobbles herself on the yard where she collapses in the turf. As Ms. Unicorn spreads herself over the grass she said, "grass, sweet grass, and earth, and open air. Oh how I miss thee."

This is why Joe and Ida (the couple we met at the fleabag motel) had a horse trailer towed by his truck. They had to communicate by intercom and poor Ida got her views of the landscape ahead by camera. At least she could see to the sides, which she said was still better than flying. There's plenty to see out the window of a plane, but not in any detail.

This also neatly avoids any trouble from law enforcement. A truck towing a horse trailer is not particularly unusual, and if the occupant is facing forward so as to leave the horse tail showing from behind, nobody is the wiser. Just the same, Joe confided to me that he's modifying an RV for their future travels, Namely, it just needs doors and a ramp big enough to accommodate the loading of motorcycles, which is also not an unusual request.

I'm pretty sure he'd be willing (happy, probably) to share the details of a centaur-suitable road vehicle with DHEP, or anyone else that will listen.

Another week here, then Harper will join Jake in her new apartment. Still she's acting like nothing substantial has changed. The way she sees it, we weren't really a couple before, we are just friends who happen to share a favorite activity. I asked if she thought this situation would continue after she moves, and she said "if I were in your band and I moved out, would I still be in your band?" I suppose that's valid logic, if you see sex without the possibility of reproduction as something to be enjoyed for its own sake.

>>160396

>grass fires

do you live in one of those areas where people have astroturf on their lawns