/monster/ - The Last Bastion of Romance

How many succubi here like eating normal food, and not in the Really Happy Meal way?

How many morons are going to fail their reading comprehension roll and try to say that I'm telling monsters to NEVER EVER SLURP THE GORILLA MILK AGAIN DUR HUR?

>work as a fry cook at some burger joint

>recently the manager hired a new waitress after one quit

>she's a salamander

>always eats lunch at the restaurant

I swear to god if she asks for "plenty of special sauce" with that fucking look on her face one more time.

>>151256

Can't afford any Tobasco?

>>151259

That seems like it'd just exacerbate the problem.

>>151261

Would that even work on a fire lizard?

>>151263

Fight fire with fire buddy.

See if you can get your hands on some real Horseradish too.

>>151268

>Fight fire with fire buddy

Well if this anon here >>151263 is interested in her then giving the burning bonnet tipper some liquid pain on her food would get her attention real quick. I'm all for this idea, so that anon should do it and tell us what happened after. Go on anon, this extra special sauce isn't going to put itself on the salamander's food, someone's got to do it!

Bloody hell. Uncle just called. A drunk harpy flew into his shop's window, and things are a little messy. She's pretty shaken up and my uncle doesn't deal well with this sort of stuff (you can't expect a 42 year old wizard to know much about comforting someone) so looks like I'm the lucky monster to calm her down. Hooray. At least Herpybird mcderpface isn't seriously hurt, just some road rash from falling on her ass when she kissed the storefront midair. Oh, and fuck my uncle because I wanted to stay indoors tonight. Why he didn't call one of my younger sisters is beyond me. Time to cut the funposting short, I have to go out and be mama snake to a harpy that's three sheets to the wind.

kobold wearing the tinfoil collar

I love that this spread so much

>First day on new job

>Know kobolds live in this neighborhood

>Friends with one of them and she keeps going on about mailmen

>Went running with her often enough (no, not chasing mailmen, just exercise)

>Thinks we couldn't go running anymore with a new job wanting me during our usual times

>Good thing her house is early in the route

>Go up to her door and knock with mail ready in hand

>She opens it and I throw the mail her face and just start sprinting, giggling like crazy at first

>She's shouting about how the mailmen are finally attacking to the whole neighborhood

>Oh shit, I didn't think this through

>Several kobolds rush out of their houses and start chasing me

>Have mob of crazy kobolds chasing me through their neighborhood

>Several other mgs look outside their doors to see the commotion going on

>Running out of breathe, kobolds catching up to me

>See a crosswalk across a busy street just turn to warning

>Straining to pick up speed to make it across

>Get halfway through then the green light turns for the street I'm crossing

>Some jack ass turning right didn't see me coming and hits me

>Black out on the street pretty much instantly

>Wake up that night in hospital with friend kobold sitting by the bed

>She's both worried as fuck and pissed as hell to see me here

>Concussion and moderate blood lost is a pretty bad combo so I'm here for a while

>Other than that, just bruised a bit

>Friend kobold starts giving me the third degree about being a mailman and trying to make sense of it all

>Make up some story about how I'm trying to get deep undercover to find out more about them

>Tell her that she still needs to keep chasing me while on my route to keep up appearances as well as saying it was a huge risk for her to visit me

>Gives bad act of cutting ties with me to some unknown (non-existent) watching entity

>Unfortunately probation period for hiring doesn't allow me to get hospitalized on first day, and off route

Did not think that through but damn was it fun.

>>151268

>Fight fire with fire buddy

>>151297

>giving the burning bonnet tipper some liquid pain on her food would get her attention real quick

>>151318

>you gotta go big or go home

I'm like 90% you faggots are just trying to get me raped.

>>151327

Oh like you don't want that Salamander pussy

>>151327

LoL! Yeah, I found out that Sarah's a HUGE chilly-head…She then gave me head…There was pain and sadness.

>>151235

>more about finding out who's shit disturbing

I think I am having a stroke, I'm not sure what you are asking from me here. do you want me to try and find out who made it? because it looked hand-made, and rather poorly at that. kinda like whoever made it did not know what they are doing.

and if anyone here needs to contact one another, we can use cock.li

Also, I'm still laughing about how you named this thread, you madman.

>>151337

all this talk of spicy food reminds me, I do have a story about how someone opened up a particularly potent can of anti-demihuman pepper spray in the store, if you guys want to hear.

>>151608

Forgot to reply to spoiler'd stuff. Duly noted about that stuff in the spoilers for chat. And someone had to call the third thread by its title, it was fucking gold

>>151248

It's mostly a habit that formerly human succubi have, and gradually lose. Born succubi rarely bother with food, because it just isn't satisfying. At least according to some mamono I've talked to at alpification therapy group.

In other service industry related news, we're gearing up for another season of witch scout cookies, and the five of us, I guess we're a little coven now, we got assigned to the main production bakery. And it's fuckin weird.

First, the dress code is skin. Almost completely naked, save what's required by law. Ball caps or hair nets, and non-slip slippers, and that's it. Second, on that skin, runes, sigils, and lines are painted food-safe of course. Third, only baphos and witches allowed on the production lines. (Though the baphos usually stay away from the lines if they can help it because they have to wear hair-net leggings.)) That's really as much as I can describe of what it's like in there without running afoul of some very interesting non-disclosure curses.

So I slipped horseradish and tabasco in the salamander's food like you fags told me too. Don't know how much she ate before she noticed, but it was enough to get her pissed off at me. Just kinda glared at me the rest of the day. The manager asked me what I did to her. Of course I played dumb.

>>151734

The fuck is a dindu broad?

>>151942

>At least according to some mamono I've talked to at alpification therapy group.

Thaaaaaat just might have something to do with it.

>>151956

She asked for special sauce. What the fuck were you and we supposed to think? :^)

>>151734

>a tactless and tasteless individual is making rude and inappropriate remarks to you at work

>think of her feefees

Yeah, like you thought of those two alp's feefees.

>>151942

Can you at least tell us if there are any cookies that are safe to eat with one's family? My mom loves the cookies, but she happens to have more innate magic resistance than an army of Paladindus for some reason. I did not inherit her gifts and incest makes me nauseous.

>>151976

It does, actually. Alps tend to hold on to the habit of eating food longer than regular succubi.

But if you're saying it's a limited sample, it isn't really, because there are plenty of non-alp mamono I talk to as a result. Like this one Alice-alp's mom. They turned at about the same time.

>>151985

Check the archive of the first thread ( https://archive.is/dSKLC ), I listed certain combinations to avoid. And even with that, there's nothing that'll cause significant effects, unless you're already borderline in line with certain Sabbath ideals. The reaction you have now means there's not much to worry about. unless you hoard the cookies between seasons and eat large quantities of them year-round. Remember, these things have to pass below the legal limit of magical residue in a food product.

>>152004

So a black girl? Ew, not even with a rented cock.

>you need to step it up a notch and drop a not so subtle hint that this is a food related challenge of some sort

Not a bad idea. Could be fuck to mess with her.

>>152010

>could be fun

Proof reading is your friend.

>>151734

Right, I'll see if I can sneak a picture of that purse soon, but andrea has it on lockdown. it may be a while.

>>151942

>a commercial bakery

>no Clothing

yeah sure don't worry, it's not like you are working around very hot ovens, heavy objects, and large machines or anything.

>>151992

I think I will stick to eating Templar scout cookies. with them I don't have to worry about it turning into a frog and running away, or for my condition to flare up.

mostly I'm just a cheap fucker and they are everywhere in this town.

>>152010

you know, you can buy capsaicin raw. get some and add a healthy scoop next tome she shows up.

also, consolidate your damn posts people!

by the way, whatever happened to Italian plumber anon? that story was adorable.

>>152013

Oh no anon. We all know you're hoping that this could be fuck.

>>151248

Yes, me and most of the other succubi I'm friends with still do more or less. It's just that we usually go for the more expensive and good shit, because we want to fucking taste it. So putting semen on it would be a waste as its sweetness tends to completely overwrite the taste of the food itself. Now for sweets or desserts, then hmmm yes, give me lots of that sweet whipped cream on top of it~

>>151942

hey, remember: we feed on spirit energy, and not the semen itself. Plants, animals and shit all have their own spirit energy, so as long as its not heavily processed stuff like most fast food, it's perfectly possible for us to survive from just regular food.

And it doesn't even need much willpower or anything. It's just that there's no bloody reason to do so for us

>>152025

>yeah sure don't worry, it's not like you are working around very hot ovens, heavy objects, and large machines or anything.

It's magic, man. I could fuck those very hot machines safely without harm. you have no idea how closely that sentence skirts non-disclosure consequences OSHA goes over these places with a fine-toothed comb. File it under "weird shit".

>>152156

Probably, then, it's because I'm in an urban area where even the "fresh" food has lost its mojo by the time it gets to us.

>>152156

Thank you! That's the point I was TRYING to make!

It is possible indeed, granted, you don't WANT to.

So, I've been lurking here for a while, but I've gotta bitch about this to someone and it might as well be you lot.

>be working in combined call-center/warehouse for a small internet retailer

>answering calls and emails from dumbasses who can't read the website

>bosslady comes in, says she needs me to unpack and check stock from new shipment of glorified scales for people who are anal-retentive about precision

>whatever, my brain was rotting from talking to customers anyway

>open first box of scales, notice the load shafts are all fucked up

>Maybe it's just bad luck?

>NOPE.AVI

>of the first 10 scales, the load shaft on every single one is fucked up beyond repair

>spend like 15 minutes trying to think of how to put a positive spin on things

>cant think of anything

>walk into bosslady's office while commenting "shafts are fucked"

>Bosslady is talking to a blue oni

"Anon, this is Kazumi. She'll be joining us as of today. Show her around, then have her help you with inspecting the rest of the shipment."

>oh joy, now I've got even more shit to do.

>Kazumi eyes me up and gives a faint grin

"Let's go anon, I can't wait to have you teach me about the finer points of inspecting shafts."

So, how fucked am I?

>>152010

Keep us posted anon, this should get good soon

>>152025

Take your time, and don't do stupid shit like sneaking about to get a pic. One, getting caught doing that sort of thing is not very helpful for Elizabeth, much harder for her to spend time with you if you're running from a Bubba in the shower. Two? Andrea might hide her head somewhere and scare another five pounds of shit out of you. But speaking of Elizabeth, that reminds me: had a chance to get some alone time for that demonic energy issue? Would be a big help to know for sure what's going on with that. Would also be a big help if you made sure that the rest of the evening was open, you need to thank her after all (and getting laid is always a plus). I'll check in later to see if you did manage to get Elizabeth's help. Not like I have anything else to do besides nurse Mr Hero. Husband got the flu, and he's giving the toilet all the face that he was planning on giving me before he wanted to heave his guts all over the place.

>>152156

About time a succubus came and cleared the air. No way that the other anon listened to anything else. Thanks, you explained it really well … and looks like Witchychan was able to get some good info from you at the same time.

>>152336

There is a bright side. You're dealing with a blue oni so you've got quite the personality. They're a lot more level headed and smart than their red cousins, and as long as they're not too drunk they keep themselves mostly in check if they're feeding you the V. You won't have any trips to the hospital for a broken/bruised/crushed whatever. They'll still fuck you pretty hard though, y'know. Because oni.

>Work once as a park cleaning crew

>I heard rumors about this park, two rumors precise

>First, that this was the hive for the biggest oni gang in town

>The second one about a crazy old hobo that chase them out

>Didn't believe any of them until I saw it

>It was a monday and i been there for about two weeks since my first day

>I get a call from my supervisor to clean up sector D as someone tip over the thrash bins

>I got there with my broom and dust pan

>Then out of no where I got knock to the side

>Holy fuck, that shit hurt

>I saw a bunch of onis running with panicky look on their faces and yeah I do remember that they were wearing gang colors

>Then I saw him

>A naked glistening old man holding on a bag

>He was screaming from the top of his lungs something about being and I quote "I'm the motherfucking Howl's Moving Castle!"

>Funny thing too that he slip and slide onto one of the onis and grabbing her by the ankle

>The oni fell and her fellow just left her with naked old man

>The old man then grab a fistful of whatever he had on that bag shove it into that girl face

>After finish her, he just get up, look at me and ran away but not before falling onto his ass once more

>I don't know what I just saw and there a monster cover in oil with whatever that was

>I call my supervisor to come the sector where I was and he end up calling the meat wagon for this poor girl

>After that day, I never when back to sector D

>Long after I left for college I saw an article on national inquiry about a old man that was arrested for hate crime but that article end up turning into a rant about how we as society have neglected the homeless

>I hope that old bastard is doing better, wherever he is

>>152366

>Keep us posted anon, this should get good soon

She was even more aggressive then usual today. All she'd done up until me putting spicy stuff in her food was drop innuendo. Annoying, but ultimately harmless. But now she's gotten kinda grabby. You'd be surprised how many times someone can "accidentally" brush your inner thigh in one day. Didn't have a chance to put anything in her food. She decided to spend part of her break "seeing how it's done" and watched over my shoulder the whole time. The manager didn't see a problem with a waitress, even on break, being in the kitchen so my complaints fell on deaf ears.

And have some of you have guessed, yes I wouldn't mind fucking her. She's pretty cute. But at this point it's a battle of wills and I have no intention of losing.

>>152383

Don't worry anon, you only get to fuck her if you win

Which means you'd best be prepared for her counterattack

>>152383

Just don't put on any cologne. :^)

>>152163

>File it under "weird shit".

man, I'm gonna need to get more binders for this stuff at this rate.

>>152366

>Take your time, and don't do stupid shit

yeah, I guess i'm not strapped for time or anything. I doubt that the arch-imp is going to try anything for a while given her injury.

> had a chance to get some alone time for that demonic energy issue?

I couldn't meet up on the day we had originally planned, as she had something come up about one of her pets. But I will check if she has any other free time.

>>152894

go on…

>>152369

> sector D

Hehehehehe

>>152382

Please tell me you're going to Ask her out on a date and give her a good long Ice skating session

>>152894

>Is this common

Yes. Disgustingly so. And to this day I have no idea why. I've heard the whole "Magic and Technology don't mix" but fuck's sake, it's just a keyboard, and they're just fingers, it's not like she's trying to type using telekinesis or some shit.

>>152992

>And to this day I have no idea why.

Because it's made by humans, that's why. The Demonic Energy wants to keep humanity down, even if the monster doesn't know it.

I got some capsaicin powder into her food like one of the anons here suggested. I tried not to use too much because I've heard it can actually do real damage if you use too much and I'm evidently a huge pussy and don't actually want to hurt her. Let's just say it was eventful. I thought it was a good idea until I got a text saying, "wish u were here" attached to a close up photo of her open mouth after work.

I don't think I can take the spice too much further here without getting into something potentially harmful so I need a new angle.

>>152704

Why? What happens if I put on cologne?

>>153237

>she is a monster, so not like she's going to keel over and die

I suppose. It seem to be fanning the flames though. It pisses her off, but at the same time makes her more aggressive.

>you've got to challenge her to something that she's interested in BUT …. it has to be something you could beat her at if you put in some effort

I honestly don't much about her outside of the pretty constant stream of sexual harassment thrown my way. Seems like an awkward time to get to know her, but I can give it a shot.

>Start sending the same kinds of text messages to her. Can't lose that battle either.

So, dick pics? Well I'm not a politician so the amount of trouble they can get me into is minimum. Gotta think of something clever to go with it.

>>153249

If you can, hang a shoe off of it.

>>153254

This, show her the strength of your dong

>>153254

Why a shoe?

>>153259

That way she knows you're a real person and not some spambot pretending to be a guy.

>>153200

Kek, please forgive this palanigger wannabe his unworthy dubs.

Look kid, I know it seems edgy as hell to virtue signal to the Ilian JUSTICE Warriors on Stalkbook, but the real world is nothing like those cloistered shitcans want you to think.

I'll avoid going into too much detail, but Mamono are, by and large, behaving themselves admirably. If Mamono wanted to subvert Humanity into a slave-caste, they could do it inside a month, especially now that they've lived amongst us as long as they have.

>>153241

>I'm thinking you might've run into a string of unlucky monsters in general though.

Uh huh… That's why whenever the Kitsune at work gets laid everything on the 2.4GHz band goes to utter shit.

Theres got to be some kind of sympathetic radiation to magic, and some asshole smarter than yours truly is going to make a packet off it when he finally isolates it.

>>153347

>Dat pic

You give my sides back right now!

In all seriousness, Your theory shows a good ability to think outside the box, I like that.

Unfortunately though I wasn't detailed enough. She's not getting laid AT work (boss is a dragon… literally… so if she ain't getting her vitamin D, nobody is.), its when her and her husband/boyfriend/whatever have a little good morning fun. She walks into the office and anything with a wireless card goes fucking berserk. 5GHz is passable, though it drops packets like an embarrassed oomakude.

Christ, let her anywhere near the comms cabinet and the damn alarm systems start going mental. It's driving my department mental, but we can't fire her because 1, she's damn good at her job, 2, we can't exactly police an employee's sex life and 3, she's a fucking wonderful little sheila. Even when you wanna throttle her, she sticks her head in with that "Ohaiyo Minasan!" And all you can do is go 'awwwww'.

>>153352

Sounds like she might be the plant actually. You should still look into why this is happening, she may actually be trying to disrupt something. Or maybe your boss is only keeping her as a decoy, besides, dragons only have 4 claws on their feet so she could be working for the mailmen. Just watch yourself since they're always watching.

>>153352

Tech manager at the studio is a lich and she did her doctoral thesis on this very subject. (How do I know this? EVERYBODY she talks to knows this.)

Gist of it is, computers depend on their bits and pieces behaving in predictable ways, and a magical aura makes these things behave in ways that it can't handle. But according to her there's hope. She would recommend investing in a computer hardware basics crash course for your kitsune coworker. If she understands and internalizes how these things are supposed to fundamentally work and expects them to work that way, then her aura will start to subconsciously work to make that happen. You should see these effects lessen at the very least, and if she takes to the subject you might even notice the hardware working better when she's around.

>>153453

>Pray, but pause just a moment, m'lord

>Dost thou mean

>My lord, a moment

>Dost thou mean

>In years past, the peasantry asuumed the role of Orks?

>>153407

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>>153475

Sorry about that. She gets riled up pretty easily. Last time I let her use my laptop.

>>153475

Holy shit that was great please keep kobold anon around

Wow. I've been sticking my dick in crazy for nearly 8 years, but this is a little scary even by my standards.

>>153509

>calling your waifu crazy

BOY are you going to have fun tonight.

>>152980

People like my shitposting? Sweet!

Update from >>152894 :

>been stuck answering customer emails since Kazumi demonstrated that she's a walking EMP

>Feel kinda bad for her, it's not like she can control it

>Whatever, I'll try to find a workaround next week

>no way in hell I'm gonna stick around late on a Friday

>Emails are boring as hell, so I start to shoot the shit with Kazumi

>She mentions that she's new to the area, and hasn't found a decent bar yet.

>What a coincidence, that's gonna my first stop after work.

>invite her along

>then realize I've offered to go drinking with an oni

Well, I'm not backing out now. Wish me luck.

>>153423

That sounds just crazy enough to be true, so I'll give it a shot. If I'm stuck doing nothing but emails next week as well I think my brain will start to rot.

>>153510

You haven't had the pleasure of dealing with her less than stellar conduct over the past two weeks. I've had enough "fun" to quench my thirst for excitement for the foreseeable future. Especially that little incident that happened Wednesday. I'm very well aware of what my wife could've done to stop those dark elves, and I'm stupefied that she decided to get into what amounted to a street brawl to stop them. Considering she could've easily bound those elves from moving a millimeter by looking at them I'm left scratching my head over her decision making process.

Echidna Anon, I know you're reading this with your uncle in the store right now. When you get home we're going to have a discussion about some things. Wednesday afternoon in particular. Don't even think of trying to squirm your way out of this. We're going to have this discussion tonight.

>>153601

We will now pause for the mamono in attendance to change underwear…

Sneaking onto Jim's lappy while he's asleep

I can't believe this is the character that's gonna stick, holy shit

>>153482

Good luck, mailman, I'm behind 7,000 pixies.

>>153509

Go away MMIDF

Anyways, I saw my sister in the cafeteria earlier. Some shit seems to be going down with one of her co-workers and a guy crazy enough to go in some heavy snow in little more than a shirt and jeans. She's a bit of a freak about romantic things, like mero tier freak, so I'm taking Janet's story with a bit of salt

>Janet woke up one morning and saw her roommate hadn't come home

>Goes to check on the guy, who she had to add was just visiting, since he was depressed about the yuki-onna left him at the top of a waterfall

>Saw a great moment to try to act out one of her day-time drama dreams and talked him into going to look for her

>She got excited when she saw him going out in freezing temperatures more lightly dressed than she usually saw him

>Let's him lead her around looking for her co-worker even though she knows where she went

>Something about needing to see how dedicated he is

>After a while, she leads him to a non-trail where she usually goes

>Gives him a speech about trying to see if he really does love her co-worker and approves the pointless search

>Dumbass just gives a silent thanks and "walks heroically" into the forest

>Meanwhile she runs off and decides to skip work so that she can catch another co-worker at her car right before she gets off

>Sits on her car for 4 hours waiting, her butt hair froze to the car

>Car's owner is a skeleton and helps get her unstuck

>Tells her how she just sent a guy to freeze to death and they need to catch up with them so they can help him recover (or recover his body)

>Turns out, a helicopter is already in bound to airlift someone out to a hospital

>Find Taylor and gets skeleton's boyfriend to go see him.

>They got here and shortly after the cops came and started questioning all of them because a frozen body was found not very far from where Taylor was hiding and the guy who got airlifted had the dead guy's id for some reason.

Cops are hanging around so everything feels a bit tense. All of this could've been avoided if my retarded sister just led him straight to the yuki-onna in the first place.

Right, I’m making another post after the fact here since I suck at typing.

>my Friday lab let out super early because the one machine we were working went Kaput.

>Decided to give Elizabeth a text and see if she was available.

>she was, since she managed to track down her pet.

>get in my truck and start driving to her neighborhood.

>lives in an old townhouse that is being rented out, just outside of a suburban area.

>I rang the doorbell, and after a moment was greeted by ‘Eric’

>they invited me in and started to take off their disguise.

>”sorry I had to cancel our original meeting. Tot-To got out of the house, and I Don’t want her running around the neighborhood.”

>”nah, that’s fine. I can understand wanting to keep a dog out of trouble”

>”huh? She is not a dog anon, she is a dire huntsman-tarantula mix”

>”I… what?”

>sure enough, as I walk down the hall, there is a two foot tall black and gray spider on top of a bookshelf, staring down at me.

>”uhh… Niiice spider… Goood spider…”

>”oh, don’t worry anon. she may be a bit timid around new people, but she is just the sweetest thing.”

>”well, I just never dealt with exotic pets quite like this before.”

>"ever had a cat? she acts rather similar to one."

>”I mean, she once stepped on her own foot by accident and was inconsolable for an hour.”

>she led me into the living room and let me use her desk while she would sit on the couch and use the coffee table.

>she brought a small box labeled “lodestones” and took out a small triangular rock with a hole in the center.

>she then took it and pressed it against the center of my forehead where it stuck.

> After a moment, it then began to float outward and spin. It then cracked into pieces and fell to the ground.

>”Dang. Well, there goes the easy way. Well, get yourself comfortable. I need to grab some more books.”

>I start pulling out some of my workbooks, as Elizabeth starts bringing out a variety of large old books, and my laptop.

>"hey! I want that laptop back a some point!"

>we both go at our studies for about couple of hours, but we both end up crashing hard.

>this lens is a bit more complicated than I thought.

>Ihavespecialeyes.WEBM

>I lean back in my chair and see Elizabeth face down in a book with her head in her arms.

>her eye-stalks are lazily looking around at other books and at me.

>I reach over and scratch her head, ruffling her hair.

>”hey, want me to make some tea or something?”

>”mmh? Yeah sure, some chamomile would be nice. Feel free to help yourself to something too.”

>I get up and walk into her kitchen.

>I notice that she has an opened package with B.O.R. written on the side.

>I set a kettle to boil and start looking around for where she keeps the tea.

>probably should have asked where she keeps the stuff.

>I come across a cabinet full of these odd little jars.

>I open one of them and see that it is this really syrupy orange liquid

>must be concentrate orange juice or something

>I grab one of the clear jars in there and dilute it a bit.

>I find the tea, and set it to steep.

>I check my phone for a few moments, and then bring the teapot, a mug and my drink back into the living room.

>”here you go Elizabeth.”

>”oh thank you. I was just about to-!”

>”anon. what are you drinking?”

>”oh, just some fruit juice that you had in your cabinet.”

>”that’s not juice anon.”

>” what do you mean, I… oh… uuuUURRGGRHELMPH

>I wake up feeling stiff as a board, and like my organs are tying knots in themselves.

>and I’m stuck face-up on the ceiling

>”urghh… what… happened?”

>”Anon, you took a triple dose of tentacle potion and Doppelganger medicine.”

>”urgh, what even is… you know what, never mind. Did I break anything?”

>”you pretty much collapsed on the spot, started convulsing and saying really weird stuff. But I kind of panicked and got you stuck up there.”

>”what exactly was I saying?”

>”I’m not sure, most of it sounded like a foreign language. But I do remember you saying something like; “ah new chicken break-in If donkey”

>”huh. Gibberish I guess.”

>”anyway, wanna let me down from here?”

>”sure, just let me just fold out the futon for something for you to land on.”

>as she was fiddling with the couch, I started to float down, and landed rather gently.

>”is this gonna make my situation any worse or something?”

>”No, don’t worry. It is a bit of a sucker punch to your kidneys though.”

>”why do you even have those sort of things anyway?”

>*sigh* ”It’s a gag gift that my sisters send every Valentine’s Day. I usually just re-gift them or spill them out. I didn’t have much need to use them.”

>”oh that’s right! I did manage to make some headway into things while you were out.”

>”as it turns out, the magic you have on you from your accident at work is insulating you from the effects of this demonic energy.”

>”It’s sort of like… well, like you have a bowl balanced on your head with a big block of ice on it.”

>”right, and what if this ‘ice cube’ falls off of my head?”

>”well… it could do one of a few things. It would either condense into raw Demonic energy, you could absorb it along with all of its unstable affects, or it would ‘aggressively seek equilibrium’ as one of my books put it.”

>”none of that sounds very pleasant.”

>”well, it’s probably the reason why your boss and his wife have been so cloak and dagger with you.”

>"I did treat you a bit while you were out, but you still need to be careful anon."

>"anyway anon, It's getting really late and I don't think you are in any condition to drive home. you probably should just stay the night"

>"yeah, no objections here. I still can't really move my legs much."

>I hear her go off and brush her teeth and such.

>she comes back dressed in Pajamas

>"huh? shouldn't you be going to bed Elizabeth?"

>"this is my bed anon."

>spaghettiintensifies.gif

>"uhh, it's just that I, well… uh…"

>"anon, It's been a long day, I'm not going to try anything tonight."

>she fell asleep really quickly, while I am wide awake freaking out about what could go wrong about this DE I have on me.

>at some point during the night she rolled over onto my side, draping her arm over my chest.

>I look over and see her lying there, breathing softly.

>she looks content.

>you know, she knows what she is doing. I think I will be fine.

>eventually I nodded off as well.

So, yeah. I poisoned myself, learned that I could be a walking bomb, and had my girlfriend fall asleep ontop of me. How was your Friday night everyone?

>>153561

So, um, wow.

I guess I'm writing this as a way of trying to process what happened last night, and try to remember as much as I can.

>last night, Kazumi & I just got off work

>hop in my car, a dark blue '97 Mercedes E420 I inherited from my grandfather

>love that car, still has the classy hood ornament and everything

>I'd left the disc in and radio on, so the Feynman lectures resumes playing where I'd left off

>Kazumi immediately recognizes them

>we end up discussing the lectures the whole way to the pub

>I knew she was bright, but turns out she's fucking brilliant

>pull into the parking lot and see Kazumi raise an eyebrow

"The Wander Inn? Really?"

> yeah, it's kinda a dumb name, but Seamus likes it, and it's his place, so whatever

>Walk through the door and hear the faint pause in the buzz

> hear Seamus call out in his thick brogue

"WELL, if it isn't me favorite leprechaun. And he brought a lady with him! 'Bout time lad, soon people were gonna wonder if yeh were into menfolk."

>He moved here before I was born, but you'd never know it from his accent

"Oh come on, man, you're worse than my parents."

"Than those teetotalers? Not likely. The usual?"

"If you can find the time"

"Oh, I'll manage somehow, I'm sure. What can I get for you, lass?"

>See Kazumi quickly look around to see that he's referring to her

"I'll have what he's having"

"2 pints coming right up. Table in the corner 's free if you 2 starstruck lovers want to gaze into each others eyes"

>Was about to say we were just coworkers when Kazumi grabs my hand and almost drags me to the corner table

>never knew someone with blue skin could blush that red

>god it's cute, and I can't resist saying so

"Don't get the wrong idea! It's not like I like you or anything…"

>Seamus brings over a pint in each hand

"Right then. You two know where to find me when you're wanting more."

>With a wink, he whispers to me:

"Don't mess this up, lad. Even you're not so dense as to miss that she's sweet on you."

>Thanks for the vote of confidence there

>as the night wore on, Kazumi started to get rather handsy

>I'm having a hard time remembering most of what happened, but I'll never forget her breathy, insistent whisper in my hear that we head to my place

>we had to walk home, Seamus confiscated my keys after the fifth pint

>we walked in the door nearly falling over one another

>as soon as we got through the door she practically ripped my pants off

That's pretty much the last thing I remember. I don't think anything is broken, but it feels like everything from my waist down is bruised. Bear with me on any spelling mistakes, I'm rather hungover and writing this on mobile because Kazumi's still asleep and squeezing me like a teddy bear, so I won't be able to get to my pc for a while.

>>153423

>She would recommend investing in a computer hardware basics crash course for your kitsune coworker.

I suggested this to the boss, who promptly spat fire at me (literally) with howling cries of "WHY WOULD I WASTE THE TRAINING BUDGET SENDING AIKO TO BABBY'S FIRST FUCKING IT CLASS?! JUST FIX IT!"

Someone got stood up on their date last night it seems…

…Any of you lovely and magically talented sheilas able to help a bloke out with shielding options? Like a diadem or something she can wear that will stop her happy afterglow aura ruining my shit?

>>153342

No you don't understand!!!

Demonic Energy itself is sentient! It WANTS to oppress and enslave, and nobody will realize it until it is too late!

Human, not human, doesn't matter, IT'LL EAT US ALL and it's too late

takes off tinfoil hat

>>153974

Hatter tea's no good for you, son… Best leave that shit behind while you've still got the chance for a future.

>>153975

I don't drink that good sir.

Just like I don't drink the tap water.

>>153993

let me guess, you drink from bottles from a same company that produces fluoride. I guess plebeians will never be able to understand the basic of distilling and osmosis water.

>>153972

Maybe you guys could find a course at a community center or something and do it together on your off-hours?

Or you could get a lich IT. Nothing DARES to malfunction when they're on the job.

>>154046

I'm a network analyst, why in the name of Ammit would I pay for a basic hardware course, let alone one for a colleague, a taken colleague at that?

I just need a workaround until Dragon-boss manages to get a dick up her and calm tits enough to see the need for the hardware training (assuming it works!)

And they trialled a lich as a sysadmin last year… had to let her go after she started painting the black runes of yog-sothtoth on the sides of the cabinets. I don't mind, but there's only so many cases of face-peeling insanity the danukis in insurance are willing to write off on workers compensation as 'stress related'.

>>153974

And people call me crazy. fixes tinfoil collar

>>153958

Sorry to hear about that, miss.

Anyways, about those symbols. They look like upsidedown crosses and that's a sign of the anti-christ. Not only that, but because they're corrupted version of the cross with more than 4 points (two more points coming off the edges of each of the larger points). My guess is maybe they're some anti-postal agency, or at least posing as one. If I could, I would keep an eye on them and see how they treat the mailmen. You may have just had a misunderstanding if they really are anti-postal.

And no, I only smoke the buds the druid down the street grows. That's some legit shit there, all natural too, so it actually good for you.

>>154075

>taken

Missed that little detail. My bad.

>>153259

Say, did this anon get proactively dated into a hospital room? Seems like he was because he hasn't posted in a while and salamanders aren't the most gentle of monsters if they want the D.

>>154075

>Stuff about monsters and computers not playing nice

Since I was curious about monsters having issues with computers because of IT anon and Witchychan I've been asking random monsters and/or their husbands about it. Turns out my family and I are a bunch of freaks because most of those monsters can't use anything and have issues like what IT anon and Witchychan said. My family and I have had problems with things but it was always apple stuff because the danuki accountants are in charge of engineering. My family didn't waste too much money on their computers and phones because bloody hell is that stuff expensive. And apple stuff breaks like it's made out of tissue paper too, it's SO not monster (or human) friendly.

note: I don't actually live in the hammer. Live in Canada though

>Any of you lovely and magically talented sheilas able to help a bloke out with shielding options?

Actually IT anon, do you live around Hamilton, Ontario, Canada? If you do send the fox to my uncle's store. We're downtown near Jackson square but if you need an address just ask. It's not that hard to find, since the store is monster friendly the floor space is huge (for being right downtown in a major city). My uncle can make whatever would apply to Akio's (that's the fox, right?) needs. And if I don't happen to be at the store at the time: my uncle is a secret jewcoon so if he tries to overcharge her tell him that Sophia knows where the unicorn stalker he's dealing with lives and she might "accidentally" let his home address slip into her mailbox. Now if you don't live near there then tell Akio to email the shop (sales@wizard.com). Worst case is she'll have to snail mail a few strands of fur.

>>154077

It's Mrs. actually, I've been married almost 8 years. And I'm gonna pass on the drugs thing because I'm just a little bit pregnant. Already got in a massive pile of shit for Wednesday, and the last thing I need is for my husband to find out I'm doing something else that's equally as stupid as that day. Don't know about you but most monsters really don't like it when we're on the shitlist with our husbands. And I'll keep an eye out for what they're doing if anybody with that tat comes around the store.

>>154135

You're a sweetheart. My family hasn't had much luck in tracking anything down and not like the police are going to tell us anything if they did know either. And I see you got on the good side of Elizabeth's fur child so looks like you don't need any relationship help. And let me know whenever you find something, not like those knife ears are going to come near the store for a little while.

>>153958

That hangover stuff is good shit. I tried to ask what exactly is in it, but she won't tell me and I'm starting to get the feeling that I might not want to know.

In other news, Kazumi revealed that she'd been barely restraining herself since we were introduced. Apparently my lovely lady has a bit of a shota fetish and I was unknowingly pushing her buttons.

>>154235

> do you live around Hamilton, Ontario, Canada?

I'm surprised you didn't pick it up from the dialect, but no I'm in Australia. I'll have a look, considering snail-mail back and forth, but if all goes well, Dragon-boss MIGHT have finally found a date tonight who won't jilt her or run screaming in terror.

(Honestly, one of our subsidiaries is a fucking MATCHMAKING SERVICE, you'd think the bitch could swallow her pride and sign up!)

>>154528

Shaddup fuckya. Coming in here being all right and shit… :^)

Anyway, as luck would have it I'm actually grabbing a few drinks with the project managers tonight. Aiko and her boyfriend(? fucktoy? partner? husbando?) will probably be there so I'll float the ideas past them.

>>154288

Yeah, I don't know what goes in it either and I definitely don't want to know either. Works great though, but ignorance is bliss

>>154524

Considering how my life has gone I wasn't going to assume where you lived. I originally lived in a different country, and my best friends were originally from Jamaica. Not to mention all the other monsters I know that lived somewhere else before moving to Canada. This is the internet, and nobody knows you're a matango so unless you tell me where you live then I wouldn't know. Speaking of Aussies: there's a couple of drop bears that are regulars at my uncle's store. If it weren't for partying with them one night I'd have never met my husband. Holy hell I was loaded, had a case of whiskey womb that night otherwise I'd have been proactive with Mr. Hero a lot sooner than I was. Anyways, float the idea to Akio and see if she's ok with it. For the record, I'm going to guess that her man is either a boyfriend that's hubby material or an actual hubby.

Before I forget: it’s going to cost 40 bucks in Canadian dollars, taxes and shipping included. This doesn’t matter what option Akio goes with, and my uncle backs his shit so if it’s not working like it should adjustments are free until Akio stops being a walking EMP (valid for as long as my uncle’s still a wizard). She can sort that stuff out with my uncle however she wants. Not like my uncle has a life outside of his store and shitposting on both the internet AND the communion matrix, so he’s free whenever he's not in the store.

>>154857

>This is the internet, and nobody knows you're a matango

They Don't?

Hel҉lo fellow mamono-who-isn't-Matango(EVER S҉P҉READ THE MOHOROVI҉CIC)

I love doing not-matango thi҉ngs, do҉n't you? Lik҉e walking through th҉e woods at -2.2163509,-60.҉8322466 wi҉thout silly face masks. We ҉should total҉ly do that sometime toge҉ther, with a whole bunch of ҉hum҉an friends!

>>154878

Sounds legit lol

That's a bad sporehead. Bad.

>>154857

Actually as it turns out, shit got a little interesting. To give you the bit that's relevant to you, the boyfriend (soon to be fiancee but don't tell Aiko, it's a secret) is actually Canadian and is actually taking Aiko back to Canada in a fortnight to meet his family. (And propose but shhh) I gave him a quick rundown of the situation, and he said they can probably make their way past your Uncle's store to discuss that in person.

(Well it was more 'Oh so that's what the internet going crazy was all aboot, eh' but you get the idea.)

The interesting part is what happened when I left them to have an early night, and spotted Dragon-Boss crying alone at a table in the restaurant next door.

I'm on my phone at the moment, I'll finish this when I get back to the office. But I think I might be in a bit of a pickle, guys and girls…

>>154895

>Was out drinking

>get told secret (one meant ot be a surprise but still)

>Still random strangers on internet about it

I think you're drunk, go home an

>spotted Dragon-Boss crying alone at a table in the restaurant next door.

And treat her to a nice dinner. Even if you have to make it clear it's out of pity so you don't get dommed by the undercover postal-dragon.

>>154896

>Still random strangers on internet about it

>Thinking a girl EVER doesn't know when a guy's gonna propose

>I shiggy diggy

hey fluffy, who do you think TOLD me about the possible engagement in the first place? I'll give you a clue, it was either her or him, and it certainly wasn't him, hence the overly ridiculous "Shh it's a secret". It was a running gag all night.

>I think you're drunk, go home an

I was drunk YESTERDAY.

>And treat her to a nice dinner.

Ooh boy, gather around boys and girls, this one's a fucker.

>See Dragon-Boss (DB now for short) crying in the restaurant.

>Shake my head, poor thing, about to keep walking when I see the faces of evil staring at her with open avarice.

>Oh Shit. Lilim Q. Seimendaemann and Danuki T. Shekelgruber. Our company's biggest corporate rivals

>How do I know what they look like? Because we got an all staff e-mail with their pictures and a "not within 100 metres of the office ever on pain of disembowelment" order. Who's telling the fucking story here?

>Thank Ammit I had a meeting with some 3rd party service providers today and had worn a suit.

>Straighten my shit, walk in casually

"Darling! I am SO sorry I'm late! Traffic was an utter BEAST this evening."

>DB looks at me with complete shock

"Anon?! What in the name of Maou…"

"What makes me think you'll let me off so easily? All I can do is throw myself upon your mercy, I fear."

>DB is completely taken aback.

"Play it cool, boss"

"What are you doing?!"

"Saving your dignity, and my job."

>I give a slight inclination of my head towards the table where Lilim and Danuki are quietly fuming.

"Reckon they had the press release about halfway written by now, complete with photos."

>DB's expression softens, and she hides a smile behind her wineglass.

"Thank you."

"Remember it at my performance appraisal, yeah?"

"Are you drunk?"

"Only a little, now play along, will you?"

>Waitress comes over, clearly relieved that she's not dealing with a jilted dragon who's been filling up on red wine

>I nonchalantly open the menu

>My wallet shrieks in terror.

>Shaddupfuckya

"Yes, I'll have the rib-eye with the spring vegetables, and for you dear?"

>DB gives me a mischevious look

"I believe I will have the Sirloin with the seared King Prawns and the Foie Gras"

>FUCK MY SHIT UP she just ordered a $250 main.

"…And a bottle of Veuve Clicquot Reserve. Why not, we're celebrating, right dear?"

>I think I must have looked a little green as I smiled.

"S-sure, why not."

>The waitress returns quickly with the champagne, filling our glasses. I take a quick sip to steady my nerves.

"Do you always bully people who are trying to pull your butt out of the fire, boss?"

"I had to take it out on SOMEONE…"

>Whatthefuckamievendoing.png

>We make small-talk for a while, and as we progress it becomes less and less of an act and more just us sitting and talking together.

>She's fucking terrifying, don't get me wrong, but she's quick, and there's nothing that gets my brain-boner throbbing like an intelligent woman.

>Also holy shit that dress. Probably cost more than I earn in three months but DAMN did she look good.

"Anon are you ogling me?"

"Not at all, You look amazing and I was totally not staring at your cleavage just now."

>She laughs

>Oh fuck, did I just say that?

>Did anyone order the pasta? Check the floor under my pockets.

>Mains arrive.

>This is gonna hit me hard in the pocket but FUCK. This is damn good.

>Continue talking, she's got an avid interest in yachts, I've done a little bit of boating so manage to get her babbling enthusiastically about how she's going to buy some stupidly expensive monstrosity of a thing.

>Coffee and dessert

>Oh shit.

>Mamono and Caffeine.

>Sure enough, she starts licking her lips and staring at me coquettishly.

"I think it's about time to call it an evening, wouldn't you say… dear?"

>I nod, getting the waitresses attention and asking for the bill. She places it in front of me and I make a perfunctory glance at the total before placing my credit card inside and handing it back to her.

>I'm screaming inside. I had JUST paid that fucking plastic jew off!

>Pull out my phone, punch in a call for a limousine

>Can't have the bastards see her getting into a common cab, also fucking taxis are thieves and the cost isn't much more than a standard cab, all things considered.

>>154925

>She's got her hand on my leg the entire way back to her place.

>I walk her to the door, not entirely sure why. I blame the booze, or the way her arse was moving inside that dress.

>Two cats fighting in a bag, I swear to Ammit.

"Thank you, anon. Put the expense in tomorrow under 'Executive Development'. It'll come straight to me for approval."

"I dunno… Doesn't seem right."

>Anon you dumb nigger what the fuck are you doing?!

"Oh?"

"Yeah, I mean, I had a really nice time with you tonight."

>No. No mouth, you were told to say 'Yes Ms. Dragon-Boss, Thank you Ms. Dragon-Boss.' Traitorous cunt.

"Me too… Would you maybe… Like to come in for a while?"

"That's the coffee talking, DB, it wouldn't be right of me."

"Maybe…"

>She grabs me by the collar, pulling me in for a rough kiss

"Maybe not."

>I'm sure none of you are interested in the details of a coffee-drunk dragon ripping off my clothes, hauling my ass into the bedroom, pulling off that stupidly expensive designer dress and riding my shit halfway to the afterlife.

>I'm pretty sure at one point I forgot my own name.

>I'm pretty sure at another point she opened the balcony window and had us join the mile high club

>Without the benefit of a plane.

>Wake up the next morning

>The pain… Sweet Ammit the pain.

>See a note on the pillow next to me

"Early meeting with the Zippangu partners, lock the door when you leave, DON'T BE LATE!"

>Much generous, so understand, such empathetic

>I avail myself of her palatial bathroom, check myself out in the mirror

>Fuck, I look like I'm wearing boxers made of bruising.

>Make my way into the office. Fuck public transport. At least my car's still in the carpark from last night.

"Hey anon where were you last night?"

"Nonayerfuckinbusiness."

"Are those the pants you were wearing yesterday?"

"Shaddupfuckya"

"She must've been something… He's walking funny!"

>I will fucking kill all of you.

>E-mail comes in

'A position has become vacant for an Executive Assistant in the Director's office blah blah blah applications to HR wank wank.'

>Yeah nah fuck off

>Wifi drops.

>3…2…1…

"Ohaiyo Minasan!"

>Hey_aiko_plz_fuck_off_you're_breaking_everything.wav

"Anon-san, why didn't you come to Karaoke last night?"

"Yeah, uh… Sorry Aiko, I kinda got… tied up with something else."

"SomeONE else!"

>I will fucking kill your whole fucking family dammit shut up!

"Anon-san has a girlfriend? KAWAII~"

>That's it, I'm bailing.

>Grab jacket and wallet, go down the street for a coffee.

>Come back, post-it note on my monitor

"Why hasn't HR received your application for the EA role yet?

-DB"

>Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck

Is she trying to hoard me? Date me? Or is she just trying to scratch my back after saving her face last night?

In short, wat do?

>>154926

pretend you didn't see it and hope it all blows over

i'd get your will in order though in case you get a memo demanding you come to her office.

>>154926

Reap the rewards of sexual harassment in the workplace

>>154926

>wat do?

Nigga is you stupid? She's offering to make you a kept man, and if she sours on you and tries to ruin your life, you have blackmail material. Do not fuck this up.

>>154926

>Is she trying to hoard me? Date me?

Probably both. From what I've heard dragons don't really make a distinction.

>>154926

>race known for being faithful is trying to be your sugar momma

sounds like the opposite of a problem

>>154878

Sent a screenshot to the CDC's Matango Sighting Tipline. Cheers.

>>154926

>In short, wat do?

First, thank Goddess Eris in her Divine Insanity for all she has brought you to. Second, submit that application. Third, be happy for the rest of your life.

So, last week my boy and I saw Deadpool, and I'm pretty sure afterward we saw a drug deal. We passed two succubutts walking in the opposite direction as us, and there was a distinct whiff of green on the breeze. As we were pulling out, the pickup in front of us stopped for a second, and I think the troll inside was counting money.

>>154931

I was going to be obscenely harsh on you until I realized you don't know DB. Trust me, "Pretend I don't know about it and hope it goes away" is NEVER a viable option around here.

>>154947

>put myself in a situation

>continue putting myself in a situation

>Fail to extricate myself from said situation regardless of multiple opportunities to do so that are well within the bounds of propriety.

>Consent to intercourse

>cry sexual harrassment

You're a human chick, aren't ya?

>>154950

>>154972

Motherfuckers this is the really real world. I've got a mortgage and a cat, I can't just change my life just because a Dragon fucked me one time.

>>154956

No. I am a strong independent man who don't need no monster, dammit!

…Ok, that was cheesy. But seriously, I'm not interested in being a showpiece. If I'm gonna date someone I want it to be for more than just my dick and something to occasionally trot out to impress the family.

>>154986

>thank Goddess Eris

I don't want that mad bitch anywhere near the threads of my destiny, thank you very much.

(She doesn't read imageboards right?)

>>155213

>I've got a mortgage

And you're turning down money because….? Is your strategy "Work shitty minimun wage job while growing ever deeper in debt"?

And besides, you are aware banks let you move, right? A mortgage is basically a rent-to-own deal on a house, and the doesn't care beyond that. Take the job, sell your house back to the bank (or more properly, just cede it back to them) and move in with DB.

> and a cat

How the fuck is this a problem? Is she allergic to cats? Or will Fluffles get jealous of you seeing more than one pussy?

>>155213

The sexual harassment thing was a joke m8

Just fuck your boss again. She wants your dick and you're pussyfooting around.

>>155226

>"Work shitty minimun wage job while growing ever deeper in debt"?

Who said I was minimum wage?

>And you're turning down money because….?

The EA role, even if the boss wasn't trying to fuck me, earns about 5K a year more than I'm currently getting, with likely triple the work.

Also EA TO A FUCKING DRAGON I REALLY CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH HOW HARD THIS WOULD SUCK.

>Mortgage/Cat a problem.

I was trying to get across that I have my own life. If I take this role, I'm hers. I don't have my own life any more.

>She wants your dick and you're pussyfooting around.

Does anyone in this thread actually WORK? This is not as simple as just taking her to plow town and shit will just magically turn out rainbows. I am staring down the gullet of a major fucking professional decision here, and that's without the added stigma of LITERALLY FUCKING THE BOSS.

Also you seem to be overlooking the fact that after 1 night I'm purple from knee to navel. That shit might work in your mongolian tapestries but in real life that's a fucking problem.

>>155230

Holy shit son, are you gay? It's fine if you are, you'll feel a lot better if you're more honest with yourself :^)

She was probably rough with you the first night because she was drunk and wanted to show she was grateful for your bailing her out. Maybe you should describe her personality a bit more, because what it sounds like to me is you're going to turn down an extra 5k a year and a sexy dragon waifu because you're scared to commit. That kind of fear won't do you well, with relationships or your career.

>>155230

You see your fist problem, and you even pointed it out when you told us the story, was not putting the bill on the company account. Then you just spiraled it out of control telling her she was nice and not leaving it at saving your jobs. But you might be able to work this to your advantage yet, though it won't be easy. You can't work the rape angle (and why would you do that, it helps the postal-industrial complex) and blackmailing a dragon is a bad idea (I know, I tried, don't ask, it just ended badly) so the way you want to proceed is sugar baby.

Now hear me out, getting free stuff is good and all but that's not your focus. You want to find out as much as you can about her (and the mailmen if she happens to have connections) and twist your personality to something she finds repulsive. It won't be easy, but kinda necessary as she not only a dragon but your boss as well.

never thought about the way proactive dating could negatively affect a life, interesting angle

>>155244

Dubs of truth I guess… Plus all the caffeine I had this morning to compensate for the lack of sleep made me twitchy as fuck.

Also my fucking throbbing pelvis is pissing me off.

No, I'm not gay. I've had a long hard (shaddup) think about the situation and I think what bothers me most is the potential that if I took the position I'd be completely useless at it. I've always prided myself on a certain level of competency with my work, regardless of the role, and the thought of being a fuckup is FAR scarier than she could ever be.

I've set up a meeting with DB tomorrow, one on one, I'll ask her straight out what she's looking for here, with the position initially, and if the matter arises, us too. She's a professional, she'll appreciate the candor.

I fucking hope…

>>155277

I've used that phrase about the internet verbatim IRL when shit went south. kek.

Hey IT anon, just wanted to confirm that Akio and her other half should be starting their visit to the land of milk in bags on March 22 (roughly)? And one thing about dragon boss (and all dragons really): being a showpiece isn't any different than being her boyfriend/husband. Dragons struggle with the fact that their boyfriends/husbands aren't supposed to be literal treasures. So if she does plan on making you a showpiece then she also plans on being serious with you about stuff.

As much fun as it is to funpost from my phone, city buses and I don't mix very well. Having my truck in the shop does not make me a happy snake, but if I don't take care of the basic shit it'll come back to stab me in the back later. Since today had some things happen I'd also rather post at home. I think the bus driver is thinking of kicking me off the bus for scaring the humans, I'm talking into my phone in my first language like I do my computer at home. Not like these idiots live in buttfuck nowhere, and not like I'm the first monster they've ever seen. Holy shit would you people staring before I get stabby? Fuckers.

>>155445

>March 22 (roughly)?

Yeh about there, they fly out monday of that week. I have zero idea of their itinerary sorry. I mentioned the store near jackson square and whilst he wasn't familiar with it specifically he seemed to be familiar enough with the general area. If your uncle needs some notice and not just a great lumberjack looking motherfucker and a cute fox girl walking up and asking 'aboot th'missus blowing up the wifi, eh' then I'll get a bit more detail about when they're going to be in the area, if it helps.

>Dragons struggle with the fact that their boyfriends/husbands aren't supposed to be literal treasures.

They also HATE feeling like they're under obligation to someone… as I found out today, just to segue into the recount of the meeting, hehe.

>Head into the meeting

>Ammit_is_my_Shepherd_Ill_not_want.mp3

>DB is at the end of the table looking fidgety.

>Shake her hand, thank her for meeting with me.

>She starts looking flustered.

>Shoot me, she's cute as fuck when she's uncomfortable

>I hate my brain.

"So. The EA role. You seem pretty keen on me applying for it."

>She seems to calm down a little, and there's even a hint of surprise on her face.

"Well, yes."

"Can I ask why?"

>hint of a blush on her face

"I think that should be self-evident."

"Doesn't strike you as a bit unprofessional, DB?"

"WHAT?"

>Oh fuck me she goes from zero to spitting embers in half a second flat.

>Libera_me_Domina_ex_tenebreum.doc

"Giving me some joke position to keep a handle on me?"

"YOU… You… think I insisted just to keep you around?"

>Oh wow she actually looks hurt

>Did I fuck up there?

"T-The other night. You saw what needed to be done and you did it. A-At dinner… I mean…"

>She clears her throat, forcing the emotion down.

"I need someone I can trust to do what needs to be done, regardless of my feelings on the matter. To schedule the meeting with the Danukis in accounting even though I want to set their tails on fire and watch them running around screaming "Oy Veeyyyyy!", but who also knows the necessity of a management heirarchy. I thought we'd have some luck with that Hellhound last year, but she just challenged me on EVERYTHING. Even had that Lich we were trialling keep painting those horrible things down there in IT when I TOLD her to stop."

>Oh wow, she knew about that?

"You are the only person who hasn't acted… Well…"

"Acted what?"

"A-afraid of me."

"DB… You do tend to fly off the handle a lot. Just look at the other day when I asked you about IT training for Aiko and…"

"THAT WAS THE MOST RIDICULOUS THING I EVER HEARD!"

"Quod Erat Demonstrandum"

"And don't try and use magic on me either!"

>Wat

"Huh?"

>She calms down again… I really need to stop pissing her off.

"The Latin"

"Oh, no… that's a math thing, pretty much means 'This proves my point"

>We both sit in silence for a minute

"So… You think I'd be a good fit for the role."

>DB nods

"I've seen your organization skills, I've looked over your change management reports, you've got the administrative ability in spades."

>Fuck yeah Best Practice

>I swear to Ammit that course has paid for itself like 5 times over

"Well… I guess if there's nobody else."

>DB looks at me like I've got three heads.

"Anon do you not want to be around me or something?"

>Oh fuck here we go.

"That's… Complicated and I think we should talk about the role before addressing that Ushi-Oni in the room."

>DB blinks before going 'Oh!' and blushing furiously

"N-no… not like that, I mean, didn't you read the EOI?"

>Not really, I had glanced at it briefly enough to see the 5k payrise which wasn't enough to interest me.

>Even if I didn't have my dick in the Boss the night before.

>DB actually laughs and takes a sheet of paper from her briefcase, it's a hard-copy of the EOI

"Read the perks"

>Oh fuck me.

>>155561

>Fleet Car with fuel card

>HOLY SHIT THE COMPANY LEARJET

>Cab vouchers

>Wardrobe allowance

>Expense account for meals when away from home

>New Phone

>New Laptop

>New Tablet

>Overtime paid at 40 hours instead of 50

>I think I'm actually shaking as I pull my phone out and hit 'send' on the draft application I had typed up.

>DB grins.

"Thank you, Anon."

"You can thank a rude prick on the internet for calling me a pussy."

"What?"

"Never mind, it's nothing."

>DB's grin turns lazy, looks almost sharklike.

"Good, you start Monday"

"What about handover?"

"Dealt with"

"Training?"

"Sorted"

"I only own one suit that's not a tux"

"We'll go shopping on the weekend."

>Fuck she's good at this.

"Why do you even need an EA HeheheWAIT did you just say we?"

"Well you did say we needed to address the Ushi-Oni… I'd say out in public would be a better place to discuss it than my boardroom, wouldn't you?"

>Fuck, can't fault her on that.

"It's a date then, I guess."

>Her eyes go real wide

"R-Really?"

>Oh shit spaghetti so fucking cuuuuute!

>She clearly sees my expression and starts laughing

"Oh you are just TOO easy to tease. By the way, I noticed you hadn't submitted the expense for the other night so I roughed one up for you. You'll see it in tonight's pay."

>FUCKING WOMAN

"Look DB, I said don't worry abou…"

"Anon, I don't like feeling like I owe you… It's… a bit of a thing."

>It's right about here I start realizing we might have a bit more in common than I thought initially.

"Yeah well, that goes for me too so don't think you're going to be draping me in some stupidly expensive italian shit I can't pronounce."

>She looks slightly offended

"Anon, I would never force italian designer suits on you."

>Whew, that's a relief

>DB crosses behind me, pushing a peice of paper into my pocket and kissing me briefly on the cheek.

"Zippangan tailors are MUCH better."

>DB leaves, humming happily to herself.

>I unfold the paper

>ZA-2304, leaves 1025 Sat, tickets at the counter, bring your passport.

>DB

…I have the distinct feeling I have just been played.

>>155540

Witchychan, Gunshop anon and I are working together via email for certain thread related things. It's to keep the "tangentially related stories" thing happening. If you're interested then here's the email addresses: echidnaanon@cock.lu or reallylazyname@cock.lu

Now that I'm home I can funpost properly. Apparently bluetooth earpieces, city buses, and I are a scary combination. I'm going to take a bloody taxi to get my truck in the morning, to hell with the bus.

>Isn't "fur child" a bit demeaning coming from someone who could potentially have anything as a kid?

Nope. Dad explained why he used the term when I was little and me be being the biggest daddy's girl ever just kept using it. Nobody in my family really questioned it: be nice to the animals in the house because they're family too. He also explained that if one of the fur kids bit us or whatever then we'd get in shit twice (once from the critter, once from the parent) because we were supposed to know better.

But some of my extended family have brought up some odd things going on with the whole "leave thing in shop, bad things happen" stuff from a little while ago. Seems that these little fun sized bags are causing a bit of haywire. These purses interfere with the binding processes certain magic items use and cause the normal process to go screwy. Instead of an item being bound to the individual who bought it, it's being bound to something else. My more magically inclined relatives picked up on the fact that these little purses are a proxy. Someone's binding items to themselves that other people should normally have bound to them if a purse is near the store. Other stores from extended families are saying that simple raw magic supplies (the stereotypical eye of newt kind of shit) are going missing overnight followed by finding one of these purses a day or two later. Problem with these little buggers is that my family thinks they're passive devices so that means the purse has to do its thing before it can be detected, unless it's not hidden very well. Magic stuff that's tangible like charms, small daggers, and whatever are also disappearing but only my family from near you are reporting actual items going missing. Man, this is a bit strange.

TL;DR: someone's using these purses to "steal" random magic items, and more powerful items go missing the closer the store is to your area.

>Reads stuff Gunshop anon found out

So a bunch of dumbass bull dykes that think roving around in packs to mess with other people wants to fuck with me? And my family? My husband was right about me making idiot decisions …. I should've dismembered those knife ears so violently the police would've needed a chronomancer to stop time in order to find all the pieces. Other families might be intimidated. My family? Let's just say we've dealt with far scarier things than a bunch of vanilla monsters with edgelady tats. Either way I'll be passing this information along and see what I can dig up. And since you've been a damn fine help I'm going to have to come up with something for you as thanks. Now let's hope that these dykes want to stop by the store again. I've got some questions for them, and a pissed off echidna with an uncle who can ignore his moral compass should be able to get some answers. If I get anything useful I'll pass it on to you and Andrea because edgelady monsters are the same as 'Dins to me.

Speaking of some of those "far scarier things": IT anon, Eris loves shitposting on certain anonymous image boards. What with her like of things that aren't exactly predictable and all. Thought you'd like to know.

>>151248

Heh. Slurp.

>>155577

>Eris loves shitposting on certain anonymous image boards.

I'm not sure what's more concerning. DB playing me like a damn fiddle this morning or the fact that Eris might have just soaked her in concentrated Serendipity.

Welp, an apology's just as likely to offend Her as doubling down, so fuck it, let's see where this goes. :)

Kazumi just texted me that she found my doujins. I don't think a winking smiley has ever made me this nervous before.

What do?

>>155577

>If you're interested then here's the email addresses:

Eh, too much work.

I heard from somebody a Wallyworld that a wild harpy got into the store, flew around in a panic for a while, and then smacked into the glass above the doors trying to get back out, knocking herself silly.

>>155592

Prepare for potential Cosupray? :^)

>>155592

go innawoods

>>155593

It's mostly just to bounce writing ideas off of each other. It's not like we are training for a novel writing competition. but you don't have to if you don't want to

although, it seems like remembering to put on your trip was 'too much work' :^)

>>155577

Sounds like you're on the razor's edge of needing to make a point.

>>155609

You didn't say what brand of razors. On a serious note, I fucked right up on the paragragh after the greentext part

>>155577

I'd join but I like the idea of the one outside observer always being blatantly wrong everytime

Thinking about it again though, it might have given me an idea to finish up the yuki-onna story I have on hold

>Go to a GamePup yesterday to get a replacement a/v cable

>Hate them but noone else in town has any for Nii's

>Get home and as soon as I open the bag it came in, one of the prongs break off

>Pissed already and have to wait till tomorrow to return it

>Get to the other GamePup and explain what happened

>Explains they could refund me, or order another online

>"Even with shipping it's cheaper than the one we have right now"

>Everything went red for a moment

>Come to and see that I'm in the parking lot and the employee I was talking to is halfway up a lightpost

>Realize what happened and got the fuck out

Shit, I really hope they can't id me with those cameras.

>>155598

That was pretty much the best case scenario I could think of. I hope so.

>>155600

I have literally no wilderness survival knowledge, so I'd likely be eaten or raped by a feral. With my luck, probably both.

Update:

>drive home while panicking about what exactly she found

>Calm down a bit after remembering the only doujins I have in hard copy are pretty vanilla

>still pretty nervous though

>walk in the door, flip on the light

>silence.mp3

>damn, was kinda hoping she would berate me over how disgusted she was, then at least this would be over with

>go check my doujin stash to assess what exactly she read, and thus, how fucked I am

>everything is exactly how I left it

>wat.jpg

>maybe she was just screwing with me?

>maybe she found it but was waiting until I got home to go through it for maximum awkwardness?

>hear my mouse click

>surely that isn't Kazumi, she's technological anathema

>but who the fuck is in my house then?

>head upstairs

>Kazumi is sitting in front of my old IBM T61p

"Ara ara, I didn't know you had a sister fetish Anon. Maybe I should have you start calling me Onee-chan."

>DespairButAlsoAnErection.png

>That T61p was my apocalypse proofed backup laptop

>which naturally included a full copy of my doujin folder

>All 1.5 TB of it

>Sweet merciful Ammit take me now, spare me this

>>155849

Kobold keyboard frenzy in 3… 2… 1…

>>155849

ALRIGHTYOULITTLESHITTHATMAILMANJUSTLOVESYOURPURTYMOUTHAROUNDHISNUTSACKWHILEHESHOVESTHATTWOFOOTLONGDILDOINTOYOUREARCANALALLTHEWHILEYOUJUSTKEEPTHINKINGALLHEWANTSISTOHELPYOUYOUREFORCINGGOODMOSNTERSINTOFIGHTINGOVERREALMENBECAUSEYOUJUSTKEEPTRYINGTOPLEASURETHATPSYCHOTICPOSTALPORTERSPROSTATEBUTITSPROBABLYBETTERFORUSSINCEYOUBOWSOEASILYTOSUCHEVILNOWLISTENHEREIFYOUCANTAKEENOUGHOFHISPUBESOUTOFYOUREARSFORAMOMENTTHATISTHOSECOURIERSAREPLOTTINGOUTTHEIRINVASIONROUTESFORTHEMOMENTTHEYSTARTTAKINGPEOPLEOUTOFTHEIRHOMESANDENSLAVEUSINTOTHEIRMAILSORTINGROOMSANDYOURKINDWILLBETHEFIRSTSUBJECTEDTOTHEPAPERCUTLASHINGSKEEPINGYOUINLINEFORSOMUCHASLOOKINGATTHEWRONGBOXONCETHOSESTAMPSCOMPLETELYBLOCKYOURBLADDERYOURPISSWILLBEREDIRECTEDTOFLOWOUTYOURNOSEFORTHEENTERTAINMENTOFYOURLETTERLORDSIBETYOURMOVIESARENTEVENPANANDSCANSINCEYOULOVETHEMAILMENSTUFFINGYOURLETTERBOXSOMUCHHOWRETARDEDDOYOUHAVETOBETOBELIEVEMAILMENCAREABOUTYOUIVEMETACTUALRETARDSMOREINFORMEDABOUTTHEIRCONSPIRACYTHANYOUHAVEACTUALBRAINSITSAMAZINGYOUCANEVENBLINKWITHYOURMINDLESSNESSHOWMUCHPAPERDOYOUSTUFFINTOYOUREYESOCKETSTOBESOBLINDTOTHEWRITINGONTHEWALLYOUEATTHESHITDIRECTLYOUTOFAMAILMANSANUSANDCLAIMITTOBEAFIVESTARRESTAURANTANDMAYBEYOUFOOLSOMEPEOPLEBUTTHETRUTHWILLCOMEOUTSOMEDAY

>>155874

Don't get me wrong, I like Kazumi a lot.

The only problem is that she wants me to call her Onee-chan, and while I love that in the bedroom, and am ok with it most of the rest of the time, she wants me to call her that when we're both at work as well, and I REALLY don't want bosslady to find out about my fetishes.

>>155577

>These Purses are doing crazy shit.

Right, thanks for the info. For the life of me I can't seem to find a decent source of info on magic in this town, and the internet seems to contradict itself on everything. maybe I'll ask 'Liz If I can borrow one of her tomes that she has.

I tried giving that info about the purses you found to andrea, But she kinda just chastised me for telling her things she already knew. Even though she has not told me squat about what is going on with this mess. she is just secretive with her work I guess.

But shit, Sorry if I Brought up some harsh memories by looking into that badge for you.

>>155874

You drive a Serburban? TIL that Monsters have Plebeian taste in trucks :^)

But my dad swears by his Ferd Fifteenthousand, So to each their own I guess.

In other news, I finally managed to Finish Elizabeth's corrective lens. It was a royal pain getting it to fit in our machine, and it for-freakin EVER to run. But it is at least done. and my professor was impressed by how much work I but into it as well.

I just need to make up some frames for them. But I'm no craftsman, so I don't know how well it will turn out.

>>155961

>Oni wants to be called Onee-chan

Is that you carlos?

holy fucking shit. Fix your damned website hotweels

>>154986

Hey Witchychan… So I had an interesting Friday. Turns out one of our call centers employed a fucking CONSTRUCT who proceeded to modify her head to take a Cat6 cable directly. Needless to say the network went mental and I ended up having to go in, spent a good hour trying to explain to the dear thing that the switch config isn't quite capable of recognizing her ability to act as a VM host in her own right.

I think Lady Eris might be fucking with me a little. As a fervent Justician I don't know much in terms of appeasement rituals for other deities. Little help?

In other news, Hello from Zipangu, I guess. DB met me in the boarding lounge, and it was a rather uneventful Business Class flight over here. She was a little annoyed at my propensity to pass the fuck out as soon as the plane left the ground (Shit's soothing, sue me) but we ended up in a suite at some obscenely expensive looking hotel.

She almost broke out in tears when she saw my pelvis and the bruising. Took a good hour of cuddling her to convince her I didn't hold it against her. Lovemaking was… Gentle.

I think the other anons who told me to just grab my nose and jump in had the right of it… Looking in those eyes as she sighs and moans beneath me… I'm not inexperienced, but that's a kind of passion I've not been privy to before. Fucking noice.

Anyway, will fill yez in on the inevitable suit-based bully tomorrow. DB is tapping away at her laptop and I think it's likely my duty to drag her into bed at a somewhat reasonable hour.

>>156332

>Eris

>appeasement

You are a piece of string trying to figure out how to appease a bored cat lazily batting at it. If you go to great lengths to "appease" her, you will simply gain her greater and more active attention.

>>156336

So grin, bear it, and hope something shiny distracts Her sooner rather than later. Gotcha.

Back to the subject, DB was remarkably… Sedate today. We went shopping, minor smalltalk, nothing really too momentous. (Zipangu is so QUIET! I was expecting new york level traffic and bustle but wow, colour me pleasantly surprised.)

That being said, she bullied the tailors notoriously and we nearly came to blows over pinstripe vs no pinstripe. (It's fine if you're a skinny manlet but if you're anything resembling an actual adult male it just looks ridiculous.)

Now I know what you're thinking, did we address the Ushi-Oni in the room. Short answer, yes we did, I think the fact that we pretty much fell into bed the night before, and that morning… twice… cemented the fact that clearly there was a mutual attraction there.

I was a little disappointed that I didn't get to use my spiel though. I had this whole speech lined up about how I was a man with my own life and I wasn't about to be turned into some trophy, et cetera and so on and so forth, but as soon as I opened with "now I'm not just interested in being some pretty little thing on your shelf" she bursts out laughing and goes "One, you've watched too many bad movies, and two, you're not THAT pretty."

Turns out she admires me for my forthrightness and the fact that I come with very little filter. Gets lonely at the top, I suppose.

Anyway, we're getting ready for dinner now, DB is asking me to come look at something.

I hope it's not more lingerie, we're never going to get out of this hotel room at this rate…

>>155961

I never seen you post about what species boss lady was so no wonder you don’t want the boss lady to hear you call Kazumi her Onee-chan. A human woman would fire you and throw the book at you for sexual harassment. If she’s a monster she might pick up on a few other things with the smell of sex in the air and she’d be too busy giving her camel toe a pedicure to be an issue. Or she might end up like IT anon’s dragon boss when she was single, which would also mean you’d get fired. Upside to that is the dragon should have the sense to know that it’s impossible for a single man to sexually assault a single monster. Probably a good idea to keep a lid on it at work at least.

>>156120

>I have poor taste in trucks

>Comes from a ferd family

Oh, it’s on now. You’re overdue for an ass whopping kiddo. Fite me IRL. :^)

Seriously though? I need something that’s big enough to deal with all 12.5 meters of me while still having a bit of room for my husband if we need to take only one vehicle somewhere. And with the way things are in Canada if you want to go somewhere you drive. Just going to a city next to you takes about an hour on a highway, and leaving Ontario takes several hours to a full day depending on where you live and where you’re going. Still, your family needs to get something that won’t die on the side of the road because ferd a shit. At least they circled the problem so they've figured out what's wrong.

And don’t be sorry about the other stuff from my life back home because I don’t have any love lost. Living in both Greece and Peru had their good moments I admit, I can’t put a price on stuff like being able to play in both Greek and Incan ruins when I was a kid. I don’t consider Greece home because I was only four when my family moved and don’t remember much about my actual homeland. Too bad about Peru being rotten from the inside, living there wouldn’t be too bad if you could actually trust monsters and people to not kill you for some random reason. While I’m on the subject, family is working on a way to deal with the knife ears that isn’t illegal. We’re already under the microscope for the last incident that happened, and Canada isn’t Peru. Can’t just make your problems meet quiet and questionable ends and use all sorts of shady stuff to have what you did ignored. Based off of a college friend who's from Colombia and actually had to deal with guerrillas kidnapping his relatives and political corruption everywhere

Time to unpack from the trip I went on, it wasn’t horrifically cold yesterday so there was a random trip to the Niagara escarpment (wasn’t about to buy stuff there to eat, and took a few extra things cause it’s still not my “warm”). Not as comfy as a rainforest but still fun to get outside without being dressed in enough layers to look like a sandworm. Ladies: if you live close enough to the escarpment then there are tons of places to get proactive in public there. Not like the conservation people can keep an eye on the parts some of us can get to using our abilities, innawoods sex is great. Just needs to warm up a bit more and I can go swimming, public pools get to be a bit over crowded the second I get in one so can't really stretch out and get my swim on.

>>157174

Of course you wouldn't have noticed many cameras. That's the point of having them hidden! Besides, you just admitted that the conservation people don't need abilities to sit back and watch. :^)

Your husband knows that you and him can give pizza dude and his walking sex offender registry a run for their money. After what you just posted, you're going to draw a lot of eyes that aren't mine~

>>157174

Oh! EchidnaAnon, while you're funposting, I got a call from HR for DB while she was busily trading the most sweet-sounding threats with a fox-girl who had more tails than inches in her skirt length.

(Seriously my Zipangan a shit but I'm pretty sure some of those threats violated three international conventions. Talk about brutal negotiations!)

Aaaanyway, getting sidetracked. Point is Aiko and the soon-to-be-fiancee left earlier than expected. Like yesterday early, sooo… probably tell your uncle to expect them soon if Aiko hasn't already contacted you. (I gave her exactly what was going on to forward your uncle but wether she HAS or not is anyone's guess.)

HR girl was remarkably tight lipped, but I get the feeling that Aiko sprouted another tail from all the canoodling and broke something expensive from the resulting magical wharblgarbl.

Ok, insane thought here: Mindreaders and psychich monster girls working to take care of people with dementia, autism, Down's, etc., and general psychiatry work. Good thing? They can go deeper into the subject, actually help them by probing their mind and stuff. I can actually imagine many MGs taking such works. It builds trust.

On the other hand, they also go straight up in their subjects heads, which can lead to various troubles. I'm sure police would love to hire such MGs to help with murderers and stuff, but the mental pressure on the MG is probably really high. Would be really stressful. Best example I can make up is this guy I met in Shadowrun Hong Kong, during my visit to the hackers, investigating a series of serial murders. Dude had worked for police, looked at murderweapons and SEEN and EXPERIENCED that objects last moments; the frightened begging of the victim, the sensation of the weapons piercing the abdomen, etc. Dude was not happy.

What do you guys thing?

>>157219

Μια άλλη ουρά; Ακριβώς πόσες ουρές είναι αυτή την ευρεία μέχρι τώρα; Είναι Akio πρόκειται να έχει εννιά ουρές όταν παίρνει στο κατάστημα; Αν το κάνει τότε αυτή η επίσκεψη θα είναι της πουτἀνας το κἀγκελο …

Another tail? Just how many tails is this broad up to now? Is Akio going to have nine tails when she gets to the store? If she does then this visit is going to be rough…

Oh, shit. Thinking out loud with my mic turned on. Sorry about that EA anon, pretty sure you’d rather read English than echidna. Just out of curiosity though: how many tails are we talking here?

Anyways, thanks for the heads up. I’m hoping that Akio hasn’t been getting any practice at baby making right before she visits in case she decides that wired equipment will also suffer through her love life. But going to be ready with one of them extra fancy writin’ sticks and a pad of paper because I don’t think Akio’s planning on joining a nunnery. At least things appear to be going well with them otherwise Akio wouldn’t be giving everybody she works with a perpetual eye tick.

The lumberjack called us by the way, and to quote stuff that won’t give away personal details: “The missus tried to email ya, but she got thinkin’ ‘bout havin’ a time and the hotel’s wifi was buggered after that. We’ll stop by in the next couple ‘o days dependin’ on how it’s going with time. Sorry ‘bout the short notice, eh?”. I’m guessing they’ll here either tomorrow or Friday so I’ll be around to help. I’m also guessing that the lumberjack is a newfie. That accent of his was as subtle as a shot of screech.

>>157228

Well we did have a cop with a hellhound partner posting until she turned his pelvis into a memory. Guess being in a K9 unit has its pitfalls, but not like cop had too many issues with it. If I were to guess I’d say they’re trying for pups. But what kinds of monsters are you thinking of? My answer will depend heavily on what species you were thinking of. Most of them would be very welcome. A select few should be dealt with using the business end of a weapon.

>>157203

Well I hope they’re using good equipment, would hate for them to miss some of the more interesting things a snake can do. If some of you boys could see the trick I do with unhinging my jaw today then you’d be begging for a snake to claim you ‘’yesterday’’. But that other part about having more admirers sounds incredibly attractive, so if any of you boys can be civil why don’t you stop hiding behind your keyboard and type a hello.

>>157807

>How many tails

Well unless she sprouted a bunch of them all at once (which I doubt because there was no news report about a 'localized EMP event') this'll be three.

(Yeah, she did get the 'GenkiCopter' pet names. In fact if you want to reduce her to spluttering inarticulate fury just play 'Ride of the Valkyries' at any point. Do tell her we love her afterwards though.)

So I got back from Zipangu this morning, surprised my cousin who was cat-sitting with a bottle of Zipangan whiskey, showered, got glared at by my pissed off cat, poured coffee in my head and now I'm heading over to pick up the fleet car.

(Honestly wondering if I should just sell mine and keep a log for personal trips in this one… depends what I get I s'pose.)

Stopped in on my team… well, my OLD team I guess… I got a whole 30 seconds before the rape jokes started. Guess they missed me.

Would you believe it? That fucking Construct from the call centre's the new hire to fill the hole I'm leaving. I warned the guys to test her on the sandbox before they succumb to her pleading to jam an OM3 fibre link into the side of her skull… she pouted adorably at that.

Those poor doomed bastards.

Sorry I've been away for a few days. The cops managed to get me from those cameras at the mall the other day and now I'm doing community service for a few weeks. Also, ever see when a dog turns into a cu sith? In public? Pretty awkward.

>Just wondering a pet store with Jim

>Coincidentally a dog obedience class is taking place

>one of the dogs are on their last day and the trainer is about to give it's owner that dumb certificate

>Owner compliments dog and it starts glowing

>Like evolution in fucking pokemon

>Turns into a cu sith

>naked in the middle of the store

>everyone's speechless for a moment

>nearby person with weinnerschtilze comments "welp, I'm done eating"

>Trainer calls for someone to bring a blanket or something

>all the dog owners are looking at each other really concerned

Just fucking awkward

>>157845

So when are you going to evolve? And what moves are you going to need to forget soon?

>>157807

>unhinged snake lady has great big ego, news at eleven :^)

Given your inclinations, you likely already think you're perfect as is, but why not exploit the "sexifying" quirk of DEMONIC ENERGY SON and start thinking of say, having superpowers as sexy and leading to better sex?

>>157174

hey, maybe if you got yourself a better truck you would save enough on fuel to buy yourself some class. :^)

>>157886

>lul why need a car guise?

>just run errywher

try carrying a pallet of bricks around town for eight hours straight and then get back to me on that.

yeah, it's a real shame that copanon has not showed up recently. or orphananon for that matter. they both had a good thing going for them, and I really liked it.

In other news; After weeks of screwing around trying to make the lens itself, and trying to construct something strong enough for the frame, I finally managed to finish up Elizabeth’s corrective lens! I'll see if I can set up some sort of meeting with her soon so i can give it to her. but I really want to get this to her as soon as I can.

>>157890

>try carrying a pallet of bricks around town for eight hours straight and then get back to me on that.

Don't worry, she just needs the Strength HM and she can just push it everywhere. It'll take a very long time, granted. :p

>>157886

>But I'm not a dog, I'm a kobold. completely different, buddy.

You mean that you have NOTHING in common whatsoever? But if that's true, how will you get your evolutions or learn the important TM moves?

>>157886

>That will not end well.

Actually my first experience with a 'Mamono Tolerance Meeting' back when I was a desktop tech sprung from a similar assumption. I bitched out some poor construct for head-cabling, reduced the poor thing to tears. Turns out that the network guy was sweet on her and had set up a series of ports to handle her 'traffic'.

The way it was explained to me, after I dumped line and paragraph about 'supported devices' on the HR rep and team lead (who were building up a head of steam to chew me out,) is that Constructs have a very unique way of thinking. Ever heard of the 'Memory Palace' mnemonic technique? Well apparently Constructs do that shit by default. They can build a 'room' inside their heads which functions almost exactly like a terminal environment. Give them a TS to connect to and they're basically able to run 'instances' of themselves within their own brains. Really brilliant stuff.

(Of course they couldn't even reprimand me because I was right on the 'unsupported device' front. Nobody had stress-tested her or checked her ability to 'secure' her mental instance, so 'haha can't touch me cunt' for me and wrist-slappage for network guy, but that's by the by.)

The problem with 'our' Construct was that she did that shit on her own. The MAC she presented to the RODC was in some fucking language I've never even seen before (Also ever heard of IPv8.333333? Me either.)

So after I (gently this time) told Call-centre-Construct "Meatspace only until someone tells you otherwise", she got proactive. Decided to gain her CCNA and CCNP in the course of 2 days (!!!) and promptly approached HR about filling the hole I was leaving in the networks team at Head Office. (Apparently Workforce Management decided arbitrarily that they were going to see how the workload spread out over the remaining Networks team before 'Wasting more money on 'The Google'. DB was NOT FUCKING HAPPY about that, especially after I got frowny with her about leaving my guys swinging in the breeze.)

Of course someone mentioned 'Muh Mamono in Tech' and practically the entire HR department fell all over themselves to get her name on the COR form.

So, she learns to play nicely with a twenty-first century enterprise environment instead of whatever the hell kind of firmware she's running in that head of hers, we MIGHT just save the company close to a million a year in panel integrator costs. Hence the "Stress test her in the sandbox before you let her be a cowboy… girl… curvy artificial intelligence… whatever" instruction.

>>157845

Hmm… My cat is still mad at me. Can animals 'Sith' out of jealousy? Ammit I fucking hope not. Shit's complicated enough WITHOUT having to deal with worst-version-of-a-neko suddenly becoming my roommate.

>Be me

>Work as a courier

>Delivering large package

>Address is the other side of the city

>Arrive at the destination

>Go knock on the door

>It immediately gets opened by qt gazer

"Hey, delivery for Anon."

>I offer the papers to be signed.

"Sign here."

>gazers signs the papers before looking directly at me.

"Do you have girlfriend?"

"uuh, no."

"You do now!"

>Before I get to say anything I get pulled inside.

>>156120

Dammit, I didn't even notice the pun until you pointed it out.

>>156640

Bosslady was human and rather Pro-Order when I first met her. About a year ago, she was gone for a week, and when she came back she was a unicorn. I still haven't had the guts to ask her exactly what happened, and frankly I doubt she'd tell me even if I did ask. I don't know if it's because unicorn or just lingering Order beliefs, but she's a total prude.

Also, I did a little digging on how Kazumi was able to use my backup laptop. Turns out it had 17 of those tech-unfucking runes etched into various points of the chassis. I knew they were built tough, but I wasn't expecting that level of overkill. Guess it's time to start etching some into the machines at work.

>>158340

Stuff like that is why I bought a set of stun knuckles a while back. I'm all for a girl being proactive, but I expect to have a say in who I date. Anyway, what happened next?

Man i don't know if this counts or not, but working with queen slimes in accounting is a fucking legal hell. There are still a bunch of old crones bickering about weather to count them as individuals or groups, some people trying to say they should be their own companies. Just selling a bag of chips to one of them is a nightmare

>one of the checkout guys at the fast food restaurant i work at needs time off

>wife got pregnant, we threw a small party, he said he was going to be away for a while

>new guy comes to fill position in the mean time

>clearly new to the city, flirting with mgs probably looking for a quick lay

>doesnt know how stuff works, thinks he can just walk away

>doesn't know how quickly monsters fall in love if they take a liking to you

should i tell him or is this something he needs to learn on his own? Guys probably gonna end up married to a succubus in like a week.

>>158355

Nah. He'll end up raped or alped if he goes too far. It's a self-resolving problem.

But in all seriousness a little flirting's not gonna hurt anyone. Not like he's confessing feelings to any of them or fucking 'em of a weekend, right?

Man i know default MGE says monsters usually get hooked on one guy but working in a monster girl restaurant with special seasonings always turned me on

http://exhentai.org/tag/group:chitei+no%20nikuya

>>158344

First I obviously fought back and tried to leave, but then I glanced at her mono-eye and I got sudden urge to lay down on the bed. Before I knew it she was top of me. If she had not been bleeding from the penetration and for the whimpering I could have told she was virgin because she kept stopping to ask every 10 second "I'm I doing it right?" "Does this feel good?" All I could do was nod silently, I just wasn't able to say anything even how hard I tried to tell her get off me.

I don't know how long she went. I woke up next morning to her sleeping next to me. I was able to sneak out and get to work. Obviously bossman was mad at me for disappearing mid of a work day. Though he calmed down when I told what happened and congratulated me for some reason.

Checked my phone and noticed she had used it to take 256 pictures of me and her. I have no memory of taking of the pictures even though in some of them I look like i'm awake because my eyes are open and I have this stupid grin on them. She even had changed my facebook picture to same as her where i'm grinning like idiot with her along with my relationship status. Apparently her full name is Anondra Raymond good to know at this point.

She is coming later today to my place, no idea how she got my address or phone number or my facebook password. Going to have talk to her about basic human decency, concept of consent and how things are going way too fast.

>>158353

I'm courier not a mailman. There is big difference! Why do I have to explain this to every kobold I come across and I don't think I had any propaganda on my post?

>>158389

>Why do I have to explain this to every kobold I come across and I don't think I had any propaganda on my post?

Because they're fucking obsessed.

Seriously. I work retail, and go out delivering groceries when someone needs help. Usually when someone's been attacked by a Kobold and needs someone to do the heavy lifting for a while.

Seeing the conflict between 'someone delivering shit' and 'HE HAS FOOD' is adorable sometimes. Kinda makes up for being dumped into the warehouse away from all the cute mamonos on the shop floor.

>>157203

>>157886

>walking sex offender registry

It's only an offense if it offends me, and sistahs, sex does not offend me. Which is a good thing, because door to door Witch Scout Cookie selling is a sexy business. And let me tell you, it isn't just dudes into barely teen cookiemongers. We were served clam as well as sausage, often at the same time.

>>157886

>Kobold anon’s sister is single

>Doesn't kobold anon lives with a guy named Jim who might be her husband?

The fuck is she saying “for my sister” for? If kobold anon really wanted to ask not like I’d be a cunt about it … she does sound sincere. Meh, will play along. Not like good marriages and sexy times just fall out of the sky. Girls than can fly are different though

I can’t help you your sister out with the whole unhinging thing, it’s something that I was born with. But kobolds ‘’do’’ have large and dexterous tongues. You Your sister could do things like lick their husband’s balls while still having enough tongue length to work the rest of their husband’s dick at the same time. Or you your sister could wrap their husband’s dick up from base to tip with your tongue and do a bit of pseudo deep throat, you your sister may not able to do the real thing (or be capable of moving your own jaw out of the way like me). But every monster has their own little tricks only their species can do so make sure that you your sister pays attention to your their instincts because they might give you your sister a few hints if you your sister listens to that gut feeling that came from nowhere.

This last thing is important though: the monster on the giving end needs to be paying attention to their husband and communicating. I know this is babby tier advice but humans aren’t psychic and not all monsters are mind readers so some sort of info’s gotta be shared. Doesn’t mean words need to be involved. If some random monster’s husband is grabbing the back of their head and moving their hips into that monster’s face then that’s a big “holy shit you’re doing great keep doing that” even if they’re not saying it. Unlike what the smartass here >>157868 is saying monster magic doesn’t automatically lead to better sex. It helps a lot, but if you want the ‘’really’’ mind blowing stuff then that means talking and/or paying attention to nonverbal communication. That’s one thing human only couples share with us human/monster ones even if us monsters are that much better at sex than human women.

>>158342

>Boss lady was pro order human woman

>Becomes unicorn

>Still a prude

Going from a female ‘Din to a unicorn doesn’t need much of a mental change when it comes to sex. Unicorns that aren’t picky prudes end up bicorns. Don’t think I need to say anything else on the subject unless someone can recommend a glue factory to send bicorns to. Harems a shit.

>All for a monster being proactive

>Thinks that human men get a say

I’m afraid it doesn’t work like that warehouse anon, as I’m sure you’re aware. You did buy the stun knuckles for a reason after all.

>>158389

Things were done, mistakes were made, but in the end she’s taking responsibility for being a bit rape-y. And there’s nothing wrong with fucking someone the first time you meet them either. You’re sounding a bit like a human woman over this little thing. Enjoy not being single any more, and if you wonder how she got your personal info: she could’ve asked you using her eye magic, or she could’ve dug up stuff through your facebook account. She ‘’did’’ change stuff on your facebook page. Or you did it with her watching.

Will tell you all what happened when the walking EMP and her lumberjack visited the store later, it did involve death to the store’s computer related things though.

>>158549

>the point

>your head

For being a spellcaster, you sure are dense, not getting the point and proving me right. I sincerely doubt there are as many pedophiles in your neighborhood as you imply - just how many cookies did they eat?

>>158571

>monster double standards

So if a complete stranger walked up to you meeting you for the first time, used funky mojo to fuck you, and screw with your social media accounts. you'd be just fine with it? Don't assume he attached, either. For all you know, the Gazer would end up being a terrible match with him. Mindrape and actual rape aren't endearing dont'cha know.

>>158576

Did you consider the possibility she just fucked the shit out of him and he forgot the social media stuff in a post-coital delerium?

I mean I'm AWARE of the fact that me and DB have fucked in mid-air a frightening distance from the ground. Actual details of the event though? Shaky as hell.

>>158571

Awww shit I can't wait.

(Also if you wanna forward me a receipt for the repairs I can probably make sure I'm whispering filth into DB's ear when she's doing expense approvals… I can probably justify it legitimately too if she's not playing that shit for some reason that day.)

>>158576

> your neighborhood

All five of our neighborhoods, plus a half dozen randomly assigned neighborhoods.

>I sincerely doubt there are as many pedophiles

We ended up schtoinking at about a third of all the houses we canvassed, were invited in immediately at a quarter of them, and if you count all the ones with long appreciative looks that broadcast the flavor of lust then at least half of the houses around you now contain those who commit thoughtcrime, citizen. (And we didn't do any persuading, magical or otherwise, to make it happen at any of them, because it just would have made our job longer.)

>just how many cookies did they eat?

I didn't bother keeping track of how many times my cookie was eaten, but I assure you all five of us were as thoroughly sampled as our wares by the time our areas were covered.

>>158389

>>158453

I'm watching you two. Always watching…

Always…

>>158549

>It's only an offense if it offends me

Who said I was trying to offend? I just found it funny after a shitty day.

>>158571

>Doesn't kobold anon lives with a guy named Jim who might be her husband?

It's not like that, Jim is dense as fuck about anything involving romance. Seriously, guy thought a march hare talking about a pizza with extra sausage and cleaning drainpipes in the same sentence was innocent. It's not like I don't want to bury his bone but the guy could probably take manticore venom without it taking effect. And the dog training thing was suggested by my mom to him. Extra levels of embarrassment there.

Janet is a delusional girl who wants to have a daytime drama romance and the whole family is just telling her to jump on a guy she fancies. Maybe if we can give her some advice she'll just try it. Who are we kidding, she tried to cause a car accident one time just so she can go visit the guy in a hospital. Fortunately she's an idiot and just took out the spark plug. I think the restraining order is still in effect too.

>>158634

>Who said I was trying to offend?

No, see, I was talking about the "sex offenders" offending me, saying they're only offenders if THEY offend me, and now that I've explained the joke it's dead. Look at its corpse, just laying there. It wasn't much, but it was, and now it isn't. Its murder is on all of us, we can only try to move on and be swifter on the uptake in the future, for the sake of all the jokes that have yet to be made.

>>158629

>has a boyfriend

>goes around fucking men/being a dyke on the job

I knew the Sabbath sucked in general but damn, you just took it to a new low. Congratulations.

>>158629

fuck off to the mge wiki you stupid kike faggot.

>>158629

Now it's obvious that you're just full of shit. Just like the bapho shit who murdered half your grey matter amirite?

>>158582

Did you consider the possibility that none of this would have happened if the Gazer kept it in her pants?

>>158629

>NTR

>>158582

Hey EA anon, before I forget (again, was going to say something last post): passed the word onto my uncle and he'll deal with all that stuff.

After seeing Akio and her fiancee in the shop I'm wondering something: are they doing the ceremony for kicks? When they came into the store I didn't sense anything or smell anything that would hint that they're NOT married (with a few years under the sheets as it were). If I were to assume I'd think that the only problems those two have are molehill sized at worst. Either way, wish them a happy wedding day when they get back.

Now if anybody can help me get the lizard in law off my back about having a humie wedding for her son then that would be great. Don't see the point, not like I want anybody else. Love that man way too much.

>>158725

The mother-in-law was monsterized, hm? What's wrong with a human wedding ceremony, anyway? You get to dress up in a big expensive dress and your hubby is all dapper, and you get many faces admiring the both of you - not to mention the gifts! It'd make your man's mom happy at least.

Besides, don't you want more people happy with you?

>>154235

>Say, did this anon get proactively dated into a hospital room?

Sorry no death by snu-snu yet. After a bit of back and forth with the sexting Is that how's it's spelled? Is it even still called that? we started hanging out so we've been spending a lot time together. And I haven't had a lot of time to shitpost. I gotta do it when she's not around or she'll try to turn it into a fucking contest. She turns everything into a fucking contest.

>>158644

>fucking men

The three of us that are taken only do oral on other guys, remember? And it goes both ways, Pizza Boy is free to go down on any of us, and at the last Black Mass a dozen other witches must have taken turns on his face while I rode his pepperoni. As for dyking it up, I do that much already on my camwhore stream.

>>158679

Does it make you uncomfortable that so many people would look at a teen appreciatively? Few of them, of course, would act on those impulses with an actual non-magical kid, but it's there, and it's much more common that most people like to admit. How many times have you seen a "countdown until (child celebrity) is legal"?

>>158682

I dunno mate. I've seen a guy with Psoriasis so bad everybody only knew him as 'the leper' get jumped. Whatever they're looking for, they're finding it in us in spades.

Gazers are smart, witty, a little vicious at times and reserved to the point of autism around strangers, but fuck me. I'VE got more chance of being mistreated than this bloke.

They are what they are, it is what it is, and at the end of the day the sheep can preach the goodness of a diet of grass until their throats bleed, the wolves are still going to eat them.

>>158725

Brilliant. I'll be waiting with baited breath. If it works I'm pretty sure the ICT departments will have you deified within a week.

>Aiko and the lumberjack's appearance.

They look like a fucking royal couple out of some fantasy novel, don't they? Doesn't help I'm pretty sure Aiko can trace her line back to some Inari so there's always the slight urge to genuflect when she's pissed off about something.

>>158725

Oh Ammit… Are you one of those 'why do I need a peice of paper I'm already married in my heart blablabla' people Echidna Anon?

There's a few reasons for it.

I dunno if Canuckistan is as blissfuly tolerant as ever but over here there have been some… issues relating to next of kin. Marriage provides a legally binding 'what cunt' to human supremacists if they happen to be in a position to engage in fuckery.

Also, as >>158735 said, It's a chance for the bride to be admired and treated like a princess, a chance for the groom to strut a little, and a chance for the blue rinse brigade and secret-cocktails-at-lunchtime club to blub over how big they got before hoeing into free drinks.

Also also, I think there might be a… thing… about marrying a kit. From what Lumberjack said, well, what I could understand through his slightly drunken canadianese, "Something" happens at wedding ceremonies involving a Kitsune. What that 'something' is, I have no idea, but it was important enough to have them do what amounted to a round-the-world trip to tell both sets of parents in person. (Hence why the trip got moved forward)

>>158815

This? This right here is why I order Witch scout cookies online. Witchy, I'm sure you're a lovely Jailbai… er, lady, but that's the kind of shit to leave a man unshaven and weeping into a glass of scotch while "Hurt" plays in the background somewhere.

>>158815

You're still an absolutely shit waifu and girlfriend, and Pizza Boy sucks too. Loli a shit, lesbians are fucking awful in every way, and an open relationship is a sin against everything good and holy in this world and all possible afterlives and alternate universes. I would recommend a murder/suicide with you and Pizza Boy, but even that may not be enough to wipe the stain of your crimes against decency, healthy sexual relationships, abd society at large. I hope whatever gods rule this world show you mercy in the afterlife, but the two of you likely do not desere it.

>>158815

By the way, "only doing oral" is still fucking cheating. And it doesn't matter if you're boyfriend is as fond of being cucked as a fucking bicorn, you're still fucking terrible and should dump his ass to become the bisexual STD collector you were always meant to be without hurting anyone who doesn't deserve it in the process, you waste of MAMONO MANA.

Sorry that I've been away for so long but a fucking toxic slime blew up in the back of my squad and I had to be quarantined for two weeks. Seriously, think of Papa Nurgle taking an explosive shit all over my back and you'll get why I was none too impressed with the rest of my day. Seriously, the CDC was called because I had fever and some kind of mutant pinkeye and a rash all over my everything.

>>158887

Inb4 spongebath stories

FUCK YEAH COPFAG!

What did you guys think happens at Black Mass, hopscotch and tiddlywinks?

>>158822

>I don't find what you do appealing, so I don't think I'll get involved with a witch.

This is a reasonable, rational response.

>>158828

>>158829

>We don't find you appealing, so REMOVE YOURSELF! CRUSADE! PURGE HERETICS!

This isn't. Stay mad, Pallies.

>>158887

Welcome back Copper. You never did say what happened after I sent you that collar, did you guys drain the charge yet?

>>158892

>What did you guys think happens at Black Mass, hopscotch and tiddlywinks?

War pigs?

Not yet actually. I'm really surprised that it's lasted as long as it has. Anyway, Sarah LOVED that collar. Loved it. Also, is there like two or three species loaded (I don't know about magic) into it? Because I became a German Sheppard and Sarah turned int a Husky.

>>158892

>assuming that the only reason to hate Sabbath is religion

>thinks she knows shit about reason

>>158908

>Copfag goes to the dogs

Do you think he'll go to heaven, guys?

this is a bad end waiting to happen

>>158892

>cucking

You have to go back to the mge wiki, you old hag..

>>158735

My husband’s biological mother and the monster that earned the right to be called “mom” are two different individuals. The lizard in law might be screwy, but what lizard isn’t tipping her bonnet so hard that she’s knocked a few bits loose upstairs? My husband’s biological mother died because of an accident. A deer tried to dart across a country highway she was driving on at the time, and went right through her car’s windshield. This happened during the night so the wreck wasn’t discovered until a day later. Cell phones and cars auto dialing EMT’s weren’t around in 1985 otherwise it might’ve ended differently. A couple of years later the lizard in law met my father in law, and things for my husband were about as normal as they could get after that. Well, as normal as it can get for a human having a lizard for a mom with three younger sisters.

On one hand that deer hitting his biological mother’s car was horrible. On the other hand if that didn’t happen my life would’ve been very different so it’s hard to talk about it without bias. If his biological mother were alive he wouldn’t have learned to speak the reptilian languages he did growing up. And that was one of the most important things that led to where the both of us are now, so I’m not the best one to ask about this subject.

She’s only been getting tippy lately because I’m pregnant. Lizard in law never really brought it up until Iittle miss monster lord decided to make an appearance. Every time I’ve heard from her or seen her I’m dodging flying lace like a touhou protagonist.

>>158822

I'm hoping that everything works as much as you do, especially since I gave Akio a bit of advice on how to handle them new fangled computin' devices on top of the filter. If it works then please let me know.

>Are you one of those "Why do I need a piece of paper …"

The “paper and party” part of marriage is something I have trouble wrapping my head around. It’s a culture shock to say the least, and that's the second biggest issue with a humie wedding. The biggest problem with this thing is me: I’m too scared to pop the question. Before someone says “well what if he asks?”: asking that question is one of the only things I asked him to let me do when it comes to our relationship. I just didn’t think that saying four little words would be as frightening as it is. How in the hell do you human men do it?

>Questions about legalese in the land of milk in bags

Here’s how it works in my province: because my husband and I have been living together for more than six months we have the exact same legal status as an actual married couple. But you do bring up a point about extremists shaking their sticks to cause problems. Usually most people bring up the “it’s the best day of your life”, “you get to be pretty with your husband”, and “you have all that attention on you two” reasons. Believe it or not you’re the first individual to bring up a practical legal reason for carrying Mr. Hero to the altar so I’m definitely going digging for more details.

I’m getting the impression that I’ll have to buy a ring and ask the question no matter how terrified I am. I have a good husband, and have no interest in being a philosopher so I’m going to have to suck it up, aren’t I?

>>158835

If shounen animus base their protagonists off of Jim then looks like you've got your work cut out for you. I'm sure it's nothing that pinning him down and riding him into the sunset can't fix …. you just might have to do a bit more than the average monster.

>>158766

Oh, hey! Looks like your pelvis wasn't liquified under your fire lizard's baby maker. Just so you know sexting is what you'd call what you're doing. You’re also a smart man for not letting her see you shitpost, there’s far more entertaining (and sexy) contests you could get into with your fire lizard. So have you given her some sour cream in her enchilada yet? If not then tick tock honey, no time like the present.

>>159158

You sure are going to have to suck it up. Your fear is irrational! You have every reason to utter those words.

>>159158

Shia has some advice for you on popping the question…

>>159046

It's only cuckolding if it's behind his back. If he knows about it, it's wittolding.

>>159018

A fanatical response to people who are truly happy doing something you don't like that doesn't hurt anybody is a fanatical response whether you're a fundie wackjob or just a quit-liking-what-I-don't-like autist. If you don't want to be called a Social JUSTICE Paladumb, refrain from acting like one.

>>158908

It just kind of decides on it's own, based on various temperamental and physical traits of the wearer, within limits of size, because it's a temp transformation. It can only squeeze you down so much. Which is a bit off, considering the inspiration for it was a mistyped request for "sharpei in poopper".

>>158908

I guess you two really are lawdogs. FNAR FNAR.

>>159207

Since when is deriding obvious braggarts, manipulators, loli, and Shitbath shills fanaticism? This isn't a case of stop-liking-what-I-don't-like, this is calling you out for being an untrustworthy shithead and a walking sex offender registry.

This is the worst thread in /monster/. Congratulations!

>>159207

So… You gave CopAnon a collar that turns him and smoulderwan into actual DOGS?!

You need Ammit in your life, Witchy. Seriously. That's a new kind of fucked.

>>159295

Doesn't help that when saner heads try to tell her what's wrong, she plugs her ears and cries persecution while doing ridiculous mental gymnastics to justify her behavior.

>>159237

>calling you out

Nope, you guys are totally telling me to kill myself. That's a visceral, intimate response there. Thou art emotionally compromised.

As for untrustworthy, when in these threads have I ever lied?

>>159295

Hey, they wanted to borrow it, who am I to say no?

And no, I really don't need Ammit. Ammit did jack shit to keep me from being assaulted. And who made it so that crazy bapho couldn't hurt anybody else? It wasn't Ammit, it was all me. My efforts. Ammit can go spread muck, which is probably what she was somewhere doing when I was being tied to the ground.

>>159366

You sound mad. Are you sure you're not sinking to their level?

>>159380

Dude… Don't fuck with an angry witch…

>it's not as spectacular looking as it normally would be, since there is still a lot of sludgy gray snow around

>but most of the plants are starting to bud up, and Elizabeth was ecstatic over the fact that she could actually notice them now.

>a templar scout troop passed us going the other way and she seemed to tense up as they were going by.

>”you know, something has been bothering me.”

>”Oh?

>”so these paIadins right? They keep going on and on and on about how mamono are the source of all our troubles, and that this city is to be a safe haven from them. I mean, there were a few arrests back in October over some of them accosting people in Halloween costumes.so, wouldn’t this be one of the last places you would want to be?

>she looked off into the distance, a bit forlorn. ”well it’s as good of a time as any to tell you since it’s because of my eye condition.”

>”you see, monoeyes are not exactly high up on the social ladder, but gazers like me get by because of our affinity for magic.”

>”I had a fairly average childhood, but as I started into my teenage years I found I had to sit closer and closer to the front of the classroom, and that I was struggling to use magic at the level of my peers. Even the one of the things gazers are known for; hypnosis was something I had trouble with. And so far all the magic you have seen me do so far is literal babby tier magic.”

>”I got bullied because of it, and any guy I tried to approach would just get snatched up by some other monster, them saying something like; “eww Lizzy! Nobody wants damaged goods!” or, “ugh get out of here bullybait!”

>”after a while, I just… couldn’t deal with it. So I thought that if people would keep harassing me, maybe I would be left alone If I wasn’t “me”. “So I looked into polymorphing magics, and it turned out that disguising myself was something I actually could do despite my disability.”

>”I finally did it. No more name calling, no more bullies, no more harassment. I could go about my business and be left alone. And it was nice for a while.”

>”but I got found out.” She said matter-of-factly. “A doppelganger moved into town, and she saw straight through me. I guess you just can’t best someone who lives and breathes it every waking moment of their life.”

>” but by then it was about time for me to look at what college to go to, so I applied to a variety of schools that supported my degree and had a low demi-human population under the persona of “Eric” the fat, old gay man that you first met. Though I probably should have looked at the Paladindu population too. But I doubt that they will be a problem unless I walk around undisguised.”

>”So that’s why I’m here. To get away from the mamono that were going to ruin my life.”

>”Heh, I guess that makes me more like the people here than I thought.”

>”This just… this just helps so much” she said, her Maroon eye starting to water.

>”Thank You.”

>she leans into me and gives me a deep hug, pressing her face into my chest.

>i'm a bit taken back, so i just put my arms around her and caress her hair.

>we stay there for a good long moment, enjoying each other’s company.

>geez, even her eye-stalks had teared up.

>”hey, are you alright?”

>”yeah, *Sniff* yeah, I’m good. Thanks.” She says, wiping away her tears with the sleeve of her sweater.

>"come on, I think we have walked enough today. Let’s go home"

Man, it really takes me way too long to write some of these more story-like posts. if anyone has any criticisms, I would like to hear them.

Oh and by the way, Bravo witchychan. Bravo.

You did more to convert people here to Paladindury than half the people I know in the order. And while I agree that your shit's fucked, how about we just shut the fuck up about this okay?

Also, copanon? That collar thing is weird as hell, but if the two of you like it then its fine I guess. Just be careful with it around your more excitable coworkers, namely any self-proclaimed warrior cops.

>WOOF WOOF BANG ect.

>>159423

>Also, copanon? That collar thing is weird as hell, but if the two of you like it then its fine I guess. Just be careful with it around your more excitable coworkers, namely any self-proclaimed warrior cops.

>WOOF WOOF BANG ect.

Almost all of the officers here are actually not very Paladindu.

>>159490

Aint that the fucking truth. But Cap's pretty good on that shit. If you shoot a dog or do something equally stupid, you'll need to have a good fucking explanation about it.

>>159158

>So have you given her some sour cream in her enchilada yet?

What did you think I meant by, "spending a lot of time together?" Rabbits, anon. Rabbits.

>>159492

yeah, my boss; Mark was an officer for a while, but he decided to quit because of what a shitshow the whole thing was turning into here.

also, you would think that if you get a job that requires you to carry a sidearm on the job, you would know how to use it. but I only ever see cops at the range for their mandatory annual qualification. and then they almost always are the shittiest shot there, barely getting half of their shots on paper.

>>159492

yeah, my boss; Mark was an officer for a while, but he decided to quit because of what a shitshow the whole thing was turning into here.

also, you would think that if you get a job that requires you to carry a sidearm on the job, you would know how to use it. but I only ever see cops at the range for their mandatory annual qualification. and then they almost always are the shittiest shot there, barely getting half of their shots on paper.

what the shit hotwheels

>>159413

>Angry witch

>who's just finished shittalking a REAL Goddess.

Yeah nah my only concern is not being on the same continent if and when Ammit decides to give her the 'Heard you been talking shit' speech.

>>159423

Also got the thread bump locked with that Heresy, but fuck me, right?

>>159366

Witchy. Darling. Sweety. Petal. Treasure. You're either a competant and predatory magic user or you're an asshurt little girl. Pick a damn lane.

Also please tell me where in the Justician Doctrines it mentions anything about Ammit delivering us from life's tribulations?

>>159515

If Ammit can do nothing material for me, what good is she? I'm with Conan, if she does not listen, then to hell with her. I'm more genuinely happy and content with "An It Harm None, Do As Thou Wilt" and the Pentabarf than I ever was with the Justician Doctrines.

>>159506

LOL! Yeah, we've got a lot of that. I make sure to keep my skills in tip-top shape so when I pull, I can do so effectively and safely…Except for the bad guy…Fuck him.

>>159524

Who said she doesn't listen? Your problems in this world are yours to deal with, and hey, assault aside, who won? That's right. JUSTICE prevails. (PBHT)

>>159524

so if people won't give you free shit they can go fuck themselves?

sounds like you need a nap and a juicebox kid.

>>159536

that's good to hear, but i'm sure that if you go to a IDPA, 3-gun match or any other competition literally anyone there will preform better than the average cop.

>>159550

Well thats clearly how that works since the Sabbath allowed witchy to achieve her lifelong dream of being a cuckolding whore

>>159550

>IDPA, 3-gun match or any other competition

Of that, I have no doubt. Hell, I don't even want to go up against those guys and I think I'm pretty accurate.

>>159550

>a nap and a juicebox

Honestly, that sounds pretty nice right about now.

You know what? I admit it. I got fucking broken. And I'm cracked. I pretty much had to put myself back together with duct tape and superglue. But I'm still me. And I don't like how I had to get here, but I like where I am. And I dived down the Sabbath rabbit hole, drank that koolaid, but I did it because I was determined to make sure that nobody could ever do something like that to me again, and that the batshit bapho couldn't ever do that to anybody else.

And I can understand the guy who says "hey, that's shit's cray and it ain't for me", because I have met some real wackos in the Sabbath. But when you say that me and the witches should kill ourselves, I'll tell you to shove it up your ass, because I'm still alive thanks to those girls, and other honestly good people who happen to be in the Sabbath.

Also, I fully admit I am involved in some fucked-up shit, but I stand behind the good stuff I've said that parts of the Sabbath do.

(And I'm a wittolding whore, as I've said. Get it roight, m80s. winking emoji)

Wow, I've textbarfed. But anyway, you guys do you, I'll do me, and if that really bugs you, well, you probably weren't going to attend a good dirty Black Mass anyway so it shouldn't matter.

>>159593

Muck me in the asshole! Is that you? Motherfucker, this guy may actually be the one!

>>159163

>>159197

I'm also going to have to get extra creative when it comes to getting (and hiding) the ring. The only thing that my marriage doesn't have is secrets, my husband and I are well beyond the event horizon that’s newlywed bliss. If one of us is hiding something then the other one just knows, living together for seven years does that. Before anybody asks: conception day was January 18th so all of the stuff that’s happening as a result of my daughter is pretty recent. I’d also like to take care of it all before she gets here because my husband and I won’t have a whole lot of free time any more.

>>159422

>I did manage to meet up with her back on Sunday. But I was a bit erm… busy the rest of the day, and a bit into Monday too

Wait … are you implying what I think you’re implying? If you are then spill it! I want to know how Elizabeth getting proactive went! And it's about time you got some loving. Was worried you’d become a wizard at some point.

>>159501

Well you’re probably halfway across the world and I can’t pick up on the scent of sex from an internet connection. If you don’t’ mind me asking, what is it about anything sex related that makes you humans so nervous? Besides the crushed pelvises I mean, because that seems like a good reason. Constant contest making aside I'd say things are going well?

>>159515

EA anon: witchychan was … “wienerchan” until a couple of months ago. So I believe that asshurt little girl is the best way to put it, even if it has the subtlety of a baseball bat to the head.

>>159594

As for you Witchychan? I won't bug you after this but you need to hear it: I hoped you were going to turn out to be a better monster. But it seems the sabbath has you glued to its fried egg it tries to pass off for a tit. This is in spite of the sabbath being responsible for raping you and taking everything away from you. No, you didn't have a say in whether or not you became a monster. But you're one hundred percent responsible for the kind of monster you decide to be. So are you going to continue acting like a selfish little shit with your monster on the inside? Or are you going to grow a set of ovaries, mon up, and start doing something good with your own power? Keep sucking off the sabbath’s tit if you want, but that Stockholm style dependency is ugly.

TL;DR: If you actually want to deal with everything then ask for help. If not? We’re not the ones dumb enough to stay dependent on the group responsible for screwing up your life, so not our loss.

Moving on to the Bellona sorellanza: I was right about them eventually coming back to the store, and I was right about laying some traps to immobilize them. Some regular customers threw them under the bus by telling my uncle that they were hanging around a couple of blocks away and casing the store. At least if they decide to ply their trade they’re going to be in for a surprise, because there’s no record of any living thing escaping my family’s version of promethean chains unless the caster or trap setter allows it. As a bonus, this won’t get me yelled at by Mr. Hero because I didn’t build them to do that. I did promise my husband that I’d be on the up and up for this so only their pride is going to be bruised. Still struggling with other details about them that I’d need like names, they keep secrets almost as well as echidnae do. I did find out that they’re just starting to come into Canada, so this won’t be nearly as hard to deal with as similar situations back home were.

>>159559

Oh I forgot the most important part, being a cuckolding whore for the very same people that screwed you over in the first place

>>159607

>the sabbath being responsible for raping you and taking everything away from you

See, even you're doing it too. The Sabbath isn't responsible. One crazy bitch was responsible, and I took care of her. And "The Sabbath" recognized that I was within my right to do so.

As for you 'hoping I was going to turn out to be a better monster', you can shove that noise straight back up your righteous cloaca where it came from. There's only one person in the world that has any meaning to the measure of how 'good' of a monster I am, and that's my boy, and he is happy with me.

>>159612

>Dat 'Mon up' rant

…Echidna are you SURE you're not related to any dragons? I swear to Ammit DB just gave the exact same speech to an Oomakude from records.

>>159593

Dude. Removalist as FUCK! Nice work!

>>159607

>If you don’t’ mind me asking, what is it about anything sex related that makes you humans so nervous?

I do mind actually. Not really. I don't really think it's sex that makes humans nervous. It's sex with something that's strong enough to snap you like a twig or breaths fire or whatever supernatural powers that particular monster has. I've never had a problem when it comes to human women because when they inevitably lose their minds the worst I'm gonna see is her talking shit about me to her friends. But that's just my opinion, I could be wrong. I suppose some people's religion or upbringing could have a lot to do with their views on anything sexual and sex with non-humans.

>Constant contest making aside I'd say things are going well?

So far. She's definitely a hell of a lot more active in every sense of the word then anyone I've dated before. I actually don't mind competition. I'm fairly competitive myself. It's just pretty tiring for every little thing to be a contest.

>>159859

>Human Women

>the worst I'm gonna see is her talking shit about me to her friends.

You have no idea about how crazy shit can get…

>>159859

I have never seen any creature on Gods green earth capable of sucking the life, soul, and will to live from a man quite as thoroughly as the human female.

>Spent Monday night at the pub instead of shitposting

>come back to almost 50 new posts

The fuck just happened?

>>159870

>>159965

Sounds like I've been lucky and just gotten the crazy ones rather then the crazy crazy ones. I don't think I could go back to humans after this anyway. It'd be like going back to cheap microwaved hotdogs after eating full course meals prepared by a world renown chef.

>>160005

Something magical.

>>160005

Some of us were responsible for Aux bump locking this thread. Mostly the cuckfaggotry I assume, but I won't presume innocence either unless I'm told I wasn't part of the tumblr tier faggotry either

>>160015

>cuckfaggotry

Is that what happened? Disgusting. I'll never understand how someone could get off to that.

You should just ignore cuckfags. Just like their women.

>>160024

read Witchychan's cucky posts from saturday/sunday, and check the meta thread for when Aux called out this thread for being cancerous

>>160009

What you're calling magical is what I would call a massive Charlie Foxtrot, and I'll leave it at that.

On an unrelated note, Paddy's day was… interesting … this year. Before some smartass points out that it's an Order holiday, it's also my heritage, and no I'm not an Orderfag anymore.

>at Seamus' Pub with Kazumi

>She's pretty excited, it's the first time she's celebrating St. Patrick's day

>Pub's pretty busy considering it's early evening , but it's mostly regulars.

>Watching Seamus trying to prep for what he knows is coming

>Also eating the soda bread his wife made for the occasion, and generally being merry

>decide I need to ask for the recipe, since Kazumi looks like she's having a foodgasm

>suddenly I hear a jingle from the bell on the door

>it's a plastic Paddy in one of them stupid looking green top hats

>ITBEGINS.png

>he comes up to the bar, asks for green Guinness

>of fucking course he does

>Seamus informs him that he doesn't dye his beer

"What the hell, bro, I thought this was a real Irish pub. Fine, I'll have a normal one."

>Dude sits at the bar bitching about the music and the lack of green beer

>Very soon there are more, both man and mamono

>all of them loud and bragging about how Irish they are in painfully fake accents

> Poor Seamus is trying not to let it get under his skin

>the constant requests for green beer and extravagant cocktails are clearly pissing him off though

>And then I hear a brawl break out behind me

>a hellhound sporting a "Kiss me I'm Irish" shirt is going at it with a Manticore over which of them saw the top hatted idiot first

>things look like they're going to get pretty bad when Kazumi stepped in and encouraged them to take it outside

>Poor girl basically ended up playing bouncer for the rest of the night

I feel kinda bad about the way things turned out, anyone have ideas on how I can make it up to her?

>>160072

>Feast of Naiomh Padraig

>Having anything to do with Order

Nah m8.

>anyone have ideas on how I can make it up to her?

If your local haunt's an irish pub, I'd say she's not adverse to a cheeky brewski. (All the Onis I know are spirits only girls, so just a guess.) Take her on a beer appreciation tour?

Oh, Echidna Anon, Aiko dropped into the office today… Not even a dropped packet on the wireless according to networks. When I relayed what had happened to DB her eyes went really wide and she immediately ordered me to go look up our holdings in any magic stores.

Hide. She's looking to poach you, or your uncle… Or your entire family.

Also the design was really popular. Did your uncle dabble in jewelry or fashion design prior to the robes and the spurning of sexy-time? It certainly spawned enough gushing of 'Oh my gawwwwdess where did you get that?!'

>>160072

>>160132

>St. Patrick's day

>is/is not part of the order

It's not officially an Order holiday, but so many people in the order celebrate it, it may as well be.

and st. Patrick banishing all "snakes" from ireland fits their ideals somewhat.

around where I live it is celebrated a bit more like how ireland itself does; a small quiet church festival.

and Honestly, it's one of the few things that I agree with them on. I'm not even Irish, but the way some people use it as an excuse to get obnoxiously drunk and act like an enormous stereotype. but that's not the worst thing though.

Green beer. that's a Goddamned travesty that's what that is.

>>160253

Couldn't agree more on that. Why the hell would you ruin a perfectly good beer with some horrible food coloring. I mean, I like Guinness (I'm not Irish) and I had it once when it got dyed. It tasted fucking awful. Like horrible sour food chemicals overpowering everything else.

>>160132

>DB on the hunt because of filter working

>Are you SURE you're not related to a dragon?

Glad to hear that everything worked! But as far as the design goes? That was me, wizards and fashion are usually a null set. My uncle's great and all but using bedsheets with an 800 thread count would be his idea of a black tie outfit. I chewed him out when it came to designing the filter's "frame" and did it all from scratch myself. What he thought up would make an eldrich abomination think about the pain they've caused in the world so they could mend it. So what has your other half have planned with the magic shop poaching out of curiosity? Hasn't she seen a proper magical item before? Just curious, that's all.

>Are you SURE you're not related to a dragon?

And I'm certainly related to a few dragons, someone has to tell them how to give those speeches:^). Seriously though everyone, if there's any questions then ask. We're all anonymous so the meatspace rules I need to follow about what to keep secret because of my species doesn't apply to the same degree here. Funny enough, I do have an aunt who's a dragon by the way, so I did get a good chuckle out of that.

>>159653

>Implying Elizabeth got proactive

>Yep

ΘΕΜΑ ΧΡΟΝΟΥ! I'm hoping that you were in the air for more amorous reasons than the last time gravity was ignored. Counting the flecks on Elizabeth's ceiling in super slav didn't sound like it was a fun time.

>You could get someone to hold the ring for you

Working around this ring problem is halfway solved: having a lizard in law is a good thing in the end. I told her how the plan was going to work, and how I needed her help in hiding the ring from my husband. And to make sure she could believe me the pair of us went out yesterday and picked one. Ring is staying at my in laws until my husband has a solid three days off, because no matter how mentally prepared I am for his answer I'm going to get extra proactive when I actually hear it. In theory he could give me a no, but there's a better chance the world's oni will go teetotaler overnight. Still freaking out over this a little but after getting my husband's mom involved I (willingly) crossed a point of no return.

And if you didn't give Elizabeth the entire money shot (or shots) when you two were cheeki to cheeki I'm going to come down there and hit you twice. Once for not listening to me about sex advice, and once for Elizabeth because you used the latex bully.

>>159859

For the record, most monsters try not to break their men …intentionally at least. Some of us aren't as good at self control as others (ushi oni, you know exactly what I'm talking about ladies) but we really do try, honest. But human women are fucking crazy without the benefits of having a monster pussy. You should've been a fly on the wall when a couple of human women screaming about soggy knees to my husband this one day. When they saw me they tried to recruit me to this cult called femrad. What I remember from that day was the verbal vomit about how my husband was oppressing me and how I'd have true strength without him … blah, blah … etc. I got tired of this cult's clerics real quick, so gave them a show of my strength. Apparently lifting their Mitsayobaru echobox with my tail and moving it over a few parking spots didn't qualify. They called university security but that didn't end well either, one of my husband's sisters works as a security guard. Guess who answered the call. My husband and his sister had the biggest grins on their faces for the surprise "visit", those to cult clerics were in hysterics while trying to get away from us as fast as possible, and I was laughing so hard I was crying. I couldn't breathe properly for almost ten minutes either, that situation was comedy gold. Had to have been there.