/onlychristian/ - Only Christians are allowed

Item #7
The Old Testament

The Old Testament is sometimes applicable, but sometimes it’s not. It is really confusing and no one perfectly knows how to interpret it except the Pope, but I will write a lot in the next item to convince you there is a solid answer.

Item #8
Levitcal/Mosaic Laws

This Catholic writer believes the juxtaposition of unequivocal purportation by the covenant of Abraham wherefore goat sacrifices of sanctification mediated greater and sometimes lesser sins in a judicial start environment, due to the authority that came from the grace and verisimilitude of supplant framework until circumvented by the new covenant that transcended our discourse rationalizing separate laws ex parte a.la sequitur ergo the adjudication for annulment pars eius….you’ve probably skipped on by now.

tl;dr: So you see? If you take the time to read what Catholics say it starts to make sense right? Cool, next point.

Item #9
Concerning Jews and Zionism

The Jews have always been special, because they say that from all the nations, their twelve tribes alone were chosen by God. God still blesses them, and they will always be our selfish overlords. Stop thinking about it, because it’s justified by our leaders, and by the book itself.

Item #10
The Trinity

God is a trinity, which is the unification of three parts. It makes me so mad when people say Christians worship paganism. They don’t understand that we only worship three things we worship – the Father who is in heaven, Jesus who came to Earth, and billions of holy spirits that reside inside of us. Oh, and we also pray for the souls of the dead and we pray to Mary and a few hundred saints. It gets messy, but the important thing is we only worship a three-headed God, and other views have already been declared heretical by the true church.

Item #11
Sola scriptura or believing in the bible alone, is something the protestants believe but Sola scriptura is self-referentially incoherent. God wants us to go to the true church and obey what our pastors and the popes tell us even if it’s not in the bible. We are supposed to confess our sins, to believe in purgatory, papal things, worshipping Mary, and that wine literally turns into blood, and bread into flesh in your mouth during communion. This was proven by a miracle in the 7th century, when a priest’s mouth filled with blood and flesh during communion. We still have the flesh and blood to this day, and you go back to Item #4 for this and other miracles.

Item #12
Sola fide means believing by faith alone. Sometimes you just have to have faith in your church leaders who know best. That’s why even if a priest told me my boy is cute and rubbed his head for a moment, and then asked me to dress him up and send him to an isolated bible camp run by celibate bishops, I would trust my elders because the church is holy & God teaches in mysterious ways.

But Catholics believe faith isn’t always enough to get into heaven, and good works can help. That’s why I always tell my boy to do whatever he’s told at bible camp, and to do his best for the church.

In conclusion there is a lot of scriptural evidence for both positions, but as usual, the Catholic position is the right one.

Item #13
Sexual Lust
Lust means looking at an attractive person, masturbating, or having unnatural sex. All of these are severe sins that are more detrimental to our society than violence. The Catholic position is to not masturbate and to go without stimulation for at least a month, giving up sex as often as you can and especially during Lent. That way you will always have an embarrassing tent in your pants around women, and have so much pent-up energy that you want sex now, and will explode in your pants if a woman even shakes your hand. The goal is for you to both be so horny you demand a vow of marriage on the spot, so you can run to the men’s room and have Missionary sex without birth control to produce many Christian babies. This is the official Catholic position, and if you have any problem with it, you’re supposed to cut off your body parts, or become a Bishop and do God’s will through teaching young boys about God and how to limit their unnatural desires.

Item #14
Masturbation

If a man doesn’t masturbate for a month he will have many wet dreams, which are still a sinful but are less of a sin than rubbing his dingaling in a bathroom. You can lessen the sin by thinking about God in your sleep. There are also many websites that can help. Personally, I try to pray for God to take away my lust for about a half hour before I sleep, and after a week of that I stop dreaming about people and dream about God. That’s when Satan visits me in my sleep….he’s a tall handsome man with stacked muscles who pins me against a wall and fondles me, trying to seduce me into ejaculating. I cry to God to come save me, but sometimes I’m too weak to hold on and ejaculate before he comes to punch away Satan and embrace me and smother me in kisses.

Item #15
Homosexuality

We all know it’s a disgusting, immortal sin, and I have a confession to make. Every week I have nightmares that force me to keep on ejaculating. Every week Satan comes whispers in my ear that he’ll be back to rape me whenever I liked, and if I come with him to hell we can do this every day. It’s terrible, and I’ve confessed this to my Catholic priest and asked him how to stop these nightmares, but he just laughs at me and asks me to repeat the story, and I do while he makes pants and gasps behind the confessional probably trying to exorcise evil spirits from me. Then he tells me it will eventually get better, but be sure to tell him if Satan comes to me again. This is my greatest sin, I can’t control my mind yet and sometimes I look at men and think he’s almost as big as Satan before I catch myself. I’m telling you this embarrassing story so you know you’re not alone in you. But if you pray for me I’ll pray for you too, that we may all come together so together we can get over our addiction to lust.

Item # 16
Mary is the mother of all Christians even if they won’t admit it. She’s also beautiful and there are people that bow before her statue repeatedly and gaze upon her bosom in admiration, which is a pure and Christian thing to do. We don’t like it when people disrespect our mother, so we’ve killed Protestants and gone to holy war because of the disrespect.

Item #17
The Pope

The pope is the boss that runs our holy syndicate. We have to obey him even if it he orders something different from the last pope, or it doesn’t seem right at the time.

Item #18
Catholic Church Corruption

I’m so tired of hearing bad people bad mouth our church. Our church may do corrupt things, but so does your government! That doesn’t mean we can’t trust them with our soul.

I hope that clarifies what all Christians believe, or at least what real Christians should believe.(USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST)

>>38
I consulted the holy spirit during a shower, and He said He only wanted me. Sorry, but it's not my choice to make.

>>32
That seems like a lot of effort
>>35
There are 3 mods, anyone who stalks me and the board online should know that.