I'm depressed as fuck. More than usual.I need to just fucking get this shit out.It has been over seven months now since the time when I had a perfect lgf the likes of which I could probably never find again, and I feel such utter despair for the cu

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Anonymous 08/09/15 (Sun) 21:21:51 4fe763 No.3490

I'm depressed as fuck. More than usual.

I need to just fucking get this shit out.

It has been over seven months now since the time when I had a perfect lgf the likes of which I could probably never find again, and I feel such utter despair for the current situation.

What the fuck am I yammering on about? I can't do anything about this shit, right now it's about making loli friends, but it's not working out exactly how I want it to.

Basically, one little comment fucking destroyed me. Well, two, actually. And now I'm really messed up again. More than usual, anyway.

This girl who's like a second best, very cute, into a lot of the same things as me, but with some rather negative traits as well, she is going to be moving at the end of this month, halfway across the country to somewhere in the eastern part of the Midwest. And that totally blows, as she was the closest girl to me now that I can never see my lgf for an indefinite amount of time because her mom turned out to be fucking insane. We will certainly still be friends, but it's going to be mostly long distance, which means I don't get that relaxing aura that almost all young girls give off, you know?

So I was sad about this, and the topic of me not having chick friends came up, and she was like, "I'm too young for you," and I was like, "That's not what I was thinking at all." That was pretty much true. But what I wanted to say and couldn't was that, hell, she isn't too young, not that I'd go for her anyway. She said some other thing that I won't get too specific about as well. I'm being very paranoid, actually, but that's a part of this most recent major triggering, I guess. The second thing messed me up even worse. It had to do with the thing I fear the most, which is distrust. No, it wasn't that anyone in the present moment distrusted me. It was a comment that just made it clear that distrust might have previously occurred on someone's part. And that is the. scariest. thing.

So, how did I react? Well, I got depressed. I even said, "Wow, I'm really depressed now." I was being surprisingly open. It turns out, I believe, that something changed in me right then and there. Later that night, I also had to deal with a crazy family emergency also, which may have further played into this change, but I basically am thinking and acting in a different way now, and I hope that it will work better and make me come off as more trustworthy and "normal."

All this time since the horrible disaster near the start of the year, I've been thinking about how I'm going to proceed. Do I hide more than ever, or do I be as open as possible? I still don't know for sure, but I was leaning towards openness. But the two stupid fucking comments made me feel once again like I have no choice but to completely hide who I am and all of my feelings, just like I used to. And, of course, that hadn't worked out for me well, as I was depressed as fuck from the last semester of high school until I met the literal girl of my dreams, and then more depressed than ever before after I fucked up the most basic of information control and lost her.

(Continued next post.)

Anonymous 08/09/15 (Sun) 21:22:17 4fe763 No.3491

>>3490

Now, what actually seems to have happened is me breaking much more in the assertive and open direction than the closed-off passive introvert direction. I found it so much easier a couple of days after the fact to go to a crowded place where people of similar interests were gathered, and talk to almost every random person there. I made a point of talking to as many of the girls I could, but didn't ignore the guys, either, and talked to ones I already knew, as well as ones I didn't know. But I focused more on the girls, and it was good. I found myself possibly coming off as awkward just one time, but I fixed it. (If you're interested in the details, it was with a AZN loli maybe about thirteen years old who seemed pretty intense. A different aura than most. She was interesting. I look forward to talking to her more in the near future.)

But I remain worried. Soon I may be down to just one in person loli friend. Back to square one, basically. And I wonder about it all. The comment the other girl made, what does it indicate, I wonder. Do a lot of girls think that way? Anyone who does is probably already ruined and off the table. And I guess that's okay. As long as I have loli friends, and get to see them frequently, I could be sort of almost okay. And it isn't like I'm not going to always be in love with the miraculous girl I found in the first place, so even if I had a shot with some other girl, I'd really have to think about it. It would feel almost like I was a cheat. But for the future, I need SOMEONE! It may be the original girl, it may be a different girl, but I'm terrified. I don't want to be rejected by anyone else, girl or parent. (Not saying the friend of mine rejected me or anything, since I never asked anything. Hell, she might have even been talking herself out of it, like I once tried to do. Why would her mind go there out of the blue like that otherwise?)

Questions/tl;dr version

>A girl I'm very close to got the wrong idea about something I said and said she was too young for me.

What does that mean? Does she actually like me, but not want to stir the pot? Does she not like me because I'm too old? (I'm not THAT old, you know!)

Furthermore, how many girls actually think that way? Any girl who does is probably a girl I can never be with.

>I wonder how many people if any are suspicious of me. That's incredibly dangerous. Every single suspicious person is someone who can fuck your shit up. Nevertheless, I've proceeded to break down my mental barriers some more and get a little more assertive and outgoing.

How many people are suspicious types? Are there any tells that such people have?

Is trying to be more outgoing and friendlier to pretty much everyone a good plan? (I strongly believe that it is. It just feels like the smarter thing to do. A female friend near my age has even, according to a third party, referred to my closed-off extra-introverted mode by "the C word," "creepy," and the C-word is the word we all want to avoid the most.)

>My general situation is still pretty ass.

What else can I do to improve matters in my life?

>That short bit of conversation that has me so distraught makes me wonder if I can really confide in any of the lolis I know currently. My estranged lgf and another girl I know who is of age and turned out to not be worth trusting are the only two females I'd ever confided in before. I really, REALLY want to confide in the two lolis I'm decent friends with currently, but I don't know if it's safe to do so. It would either bring us closer, or have the opposite effect and add distance. Also, I don't want to push anything too heavy on the younger of the two.

Wat do?