I can't find ways to talk to people about what is destroying me internally. Even people I'm out to. Even other MAPs. There's a barrier of understanding, and in the case of people I'm not out to, there's a barrier of secrecy. I'm frozen in place. There's seemingly nothing I can do. But I can't just leave things the way they are, either. And I want to talk about it, but I can't even find the words a lot of the time, and it's not helpful when your MAP group on Skype just wants to constantly shitpost, or just outright ignore you. Yeah, you know who you are, assholes.
So I fall asleep. I'm starting to fall asleep right now writing this thread. But gay-ass school started back up, so I can't even have that right now, even though I tried for a bit to go back to sleep and could not. This relatively early starting schedule was probably not a good idea, but I want to get shit done.
But this feels like falling into the pit I fell into last year, just a few weeks early. I don't want to deal with the reality. I don't want to leave my bed. I can't think of anything to do to change the situation.
I should probably try to write something some of you will understand.
It has now been almost a year since I lost my lgf, and those of you who've been following the 8chan MAP boards for a while know the story. And I can't handle it anymore. But I also have my hands fairly tied. I can try one more thing safely, and after that, I can't do anything without help, lest I risk my physical and mental safety and the girl's mental safety.
A lot of people know about this in a limited capacity. But I have a new set of friends who don't know anything about it. But once you've been outed once, it's hard to go back or consider anyone a friend unless they know your story and are on your side of it.
Yet any person I tell I risk completely losing. It's such a huge conflict. What could create a legitimate bond could also cause the very same relationship to be totally severed.
What am I going to do? I guess I need to talk to all my closest friends about this. But I rarely see them. One of them I can't get alone very easily at all. One of them I haven't told about this, but I think he would accept it. The other I need to see more often.
This isn't very coherent, and I might as well make breakfast, so I guess I'll stop now.