/pone/ - My Little Pony

bump

>>198150

Oi faggot! Bumbs require some form of content, read the rules you fucking git!

>>198158

sorry, forgot.

>>198169

>>198184

Why the fuck not?

>you got approximately no sleep last night

>apparently, this Spike that you're bunking with is a little dragon

>that's not a fucking figure of speech

>he spent four hours ranting and raving about "number one assistant" and "being replaced" and oh fuck why please shut the fuck up kid

>with no warning whatsoever, he passed out and spent the next four hours snoring like a fucking rock grinder

>you'd have made another attempt if the little reptile hadn't killed your ability to think

>it was only just as, against all odds, you finally found yourself drifting toward sleep that your new fucking mistress burst through the door and pulled back the curtains on the windows

>a horrible, blinding sensation emanated from the glass

"AHH FUCK SHIT WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT"

>"It's… the Sun, Anon."

>"And watch your language around Spike! He's just a baby you know."

>upon a more careful inspection of the window, you can now see that the Sun does, in fact, still exist

>you mumble something, roll over, and pull the blanket over your head

>the blanket glows purple for an instant and is whisked off of you

>"No more time for sleep, Anon! There's lots to do. Come on!"

"Why doesn't Spike have to get up?"

>"Well he is just a baby dragon, you know. He needs his rest."

>you can't even argue at this point

>so you get up for a fresh day of fresh hell

>"Excellent. Now if you'll put some clothes on you can follow me to the table for breakfast."

>your ugly ass is in tighty-fucking-whiteys, because you just don't give a shit

"You ponies go around naked all day. What makes you so sure that humans wear clothes on a regular basis?"

>she grins a grin that seems to know too much

>"Oh, you'll see how I know soon enough."

>FUCK

>you reckon she must have recorded you fapping all day in that yurt somehow

>without a word, you head over to your trunk to grab some pants

"What the fuck is this?"

>you hold up a shirt that seems to belong more at a renaissance fair than in daily wear

"Where are my clothes?"

>"Oh, those were all ragged and ruined. Don't worry, I had a good friend make you some new ones yesterday while you were, uh"

>"unconscious."

>whatever

>so you head down to breakfast dressed up like a fucking merry man of King Fagsalot's court

>upon entering the dining room, you see a round, glass table surrounded by seven chairs, six with pastel symbols on them

>five of these are already filled

>Twilight greets her guests and sits down in the chair with the purple star on it

>and all the ponies stare at you

>oh fuck

>you have to sit down to eat

>but the only seat left is a little chair right next to Twilight

>autism locks you in place and keeps you from moving

>Twilight coughs

>"Uhh, are you going to sit down, Anon?"

"Y-y-yeah"

>you shuffle awkwardly to the open chair

>but things only get more awkward as the chair seems to push you out of it and you end up face down on the floor

>Twilight giggles nervously

>"Well, uh, that's never happened before. I guess that throne is for Spike only."

>fucking Spike

>a moment of silence passes

>"Uh that should be all right. Just let me get you your own chair here."

>her horn glows purple and a rickety, wooden chair also glowing purple floats into the room and lands right next to Twilight's chair

>"There we go. That should do it."

>you plop down unceremoniously into your chair, too far gone to feel shame

>purple glowing plates of pancakes come streaming into the room

>nobody says a word as the meal commences

>but eventually the white pony speaks up

>"So, Anon, darling"

>she pauses when your dull gaze meets her glassy stare

>"How do you like the clothes I made you?"

>your dull gaze becomes an apparently annoyed one

>"Uuh, I mean, how do they fit, and, stuff…?"

>you pull your arms across your chest and the white unicorn cringes violently as the sound of stretching and slight tearing fills the air

>"Uh right. Too tight then. Be sure to stop by my boutique later for a refitting."

>she breaks eye contact and becomes very interested in the arrangement of fruit on top of her pancakes

>the meal ends without another word

>Pinkie the pink pony grinned a shiteating grin and inhaled loudly as if to say something stupid at one point, but the orange pony put a stop to that by shoving her hoof into Pinkie's mouth

>when the pancakes are no longer being eaten, the five ponies get up and leave without a word

>are the symbols on those chairs duller than they were before?

>Twilight purples your shirt and drags you away

>"Come on, Anon. Why can't you have been a little more outgoing? Those are my closest friends, and they want to be your friend too!"

>>they want to be your friend too

>>implying

>she groans

>"All right, that's fine. This next exercise is sure to do you some good."

>she takes you into an empty room, save for a mirror and a fuck-ugly contraption attached to it

Part 3: Anon Fucking Hates EqG tomorrow

>>198444

Check'd.

>>198409

>anon is suicidal

>let's send him to high school, that never made anyone depressed, right?

>>198169

Three words: sic semper tyrannis. It's your only chance at freedom.

>>198409

>fuckcuntering shitdicking jewniggers on a lavacock

>you have never felt so much physical agony in all your life

>you find yourself lying on a surprisingly familiar surface

>a cement sidewalk

>a dull thud to your right informs you that your damned slavedriver has a arrived

>"Oh dear…"

>you snap your head around to see a purple girl with massive eyes and a tacky skirt towering over you

>is that Twilight?

>HOW THE FUCK IS SHE TOWERING OVER YOU?

>you scramble to your feet to find that your hands are still touching the ground

>you're afraid to look down but you have to, damnit

>your arms are covered in shaggy, red fur

>your jaw is so long that you can see your lips

>your feet have thumbs

>you let loose with a string of curse words that would make even the most hardcore shitposter cringe, attracting the attention of other colorful, bug-eyed people

>Twilight just looks disappointed

>"Well, come on Anon. We've still got business here."

>she gives you the cuntiest grin she can muster

>"And no monkey business."

>wishing unmentionable things on Twilight Sparkle, you follow her into a venerable brick building

>to be greeted by another Twilight Sparkle

>oh fucking balls the world does not need two

>"Twilight, I'm glad you made it. And I see you brought a friend?"

>"I'm always glad to meet a good friend, Twilight. And this is Anon."

>"Fascinating. What was he in Equestria?"

>"Well, that's just the thing. He looked almost exactly like the people here."

>"A human?"

>"Exactly!"

>"Incredible. I see no reason for why he should be an ape in this universe."

>fortunately these two fucking nerds are too deeply engrossed in their conversation to address you

>"So, Anon"

>shit fucking fucksticks

>"Do you have any idea why this may have happened to you?"

>fucking dumb cunt asking obvious questions

"Probably because humans are closely related to chimps, dumbass."

>otherTwilight is either too autistic or too shocked to take offense

>"What? No, humans have no particularly close relatives, but we are descended from Eohippus, an ancient ancestor of horses."

>before you can angrily tell her that that's fucking wrong, your Twilight buts in

>"Really? That's fascinating! Ponies are also descended from a creature called Eohippus!"

>you're given the privilege of listening to a discussion about magic horse evolution for the next eight hours

>noticing that Twilight doesn't have a horn here, you wonder if she can still purple you, and this thought leads you to entertain yourself with elaborate mental experiments of suicide

>you think you're about dead set on sticking your chimpdick in Twilight's mouth, ripping off her head with ape strength, allowing the biting down reflex to rip off your penis, and bleeding to death

>but before you can come up with another plan, Twilight grabs your hand and leads you out of the building

>"Well, I'm sorry, Anon. I'm sure you're very disappointed about not being able to live here as a human."

>yeah, right

>"Are you sure you don't want to stay anyway?"

>she seems way too hopeful

>so all you do is glare

>Twilight sighs and leads you through the mirror

>you're fucking stuck with me now, bitch

Part 4: Anon Fucking Hates Fun tomorrow probably

>>198573

MOAR!

>>198899

>"WhenTwilightsaiddhewasbringingyouovertovisitIgotsoexcitedbutalsoalittlebitnervousbecauseforasecondthereIcouldn'tthinkofwhattodoandthenIrealizedthatthebestthingtodowhenafriendtriestokillthemselfistothrowapleasedon'ttrytokillyourselfagainslashyouareanappreciatedandvaluedmemberofourcommunitypartyandIjustwannasaythat…"

>your mind blanks out the torrential downpour of ADHD somewhere around this point

>you stand there gripping your tie tightly, eyes darting in all directions

>holy fuck why are there so many horses?

>Twilight's hoof nudges your hand

>"Anon, would you like me to introduce you to some of the ponies?"

"S-sure."

>keeping her torso against your leg, she takes you around the room to see a group of four ponies, all of them from the breakfast yesterday

>"Hi everyone, this is Anon."

>a chorus of cheery greetings emanates from the little clique

>"Anon, these are my closest and dearest friends. With their help, I went from a standoffish shutin to the pony I am today."

>it's obvious what she's trying to imply here

>"This is Applejack,"

>"How d'ye do, Mr. Anon?"

>"and Rarity,"

>"I'm truly glad to make your acquaintance, darling."

>"and Rainbow Dash,"

>"'Sup?"

>"and Fluttershy."

>"Hello."

>like the scene from yesterday never even happened

>except that it did happen

"Uh…"

>the girls turn away from you and resume their conversation without missing a beat

>you're not sure if you should be offended or relieved

>"Oh, well, that's all right, Anon. Why don't we go get some refreshments?"

>now you know what this is like

>this is like that time your mother tried to bring you to her friend's house for her friend's daughter's birthday party

>you have to be more social, Anon

>if this goes anything like that, all you have to do is silently follow Twilight around until the embarrassment of being associated with such a collassal failure at life drives her out of the party

>Twilight doesn't realize that her training will fail because you are aspergers incarnate, and your will to be autistic is unconquerable

>but as you reach the table, something unexpected happens

>"HEY NONNY!"

>the pink mass hits you before the floor does

>unexpected_intimacy.jpg

>you catch Twilight's face, somewher between concern and amusement

>"Nonny, you look a little bit uncomfortable."

"W-well you are pinning me down…"

>"Not like that, silly! Like in general!"

>you have no reply

>"That's okay, Anon, sometimes I feel uncomfortable at parties too, and I really really really love parties! But do you know what always helps me get over it?"

>a pink hoof produces a plastic cup full of amber nectar

>Twilight's voice develops a slight trill

>"Pinkie, are you sure this should be that kind of party?"

>Pinkie ignores her princess, focusing intently on you

"Wh-wh-what?"

>"ALCOHOL!"

cont'd later probably

>>199021

Alkohol

ist dein Sanitäter in der Not

Alkohol

ist dein Fallschirm und dein Rettungsboot

Alkohol

ist das Drahtseil, auf dem du stehst

Alkohol, Alkohol

>>199021

>Pinkie Pie gets off of you and offers you the cup

>you've actually never drank before

>you always heard that drinking alone results in mind-crushing alcoholism, and, well, you didn't have any social gatherings to go to

>but now might be a good time to try it

>you glance at Twilight

>she seems to be pleading with you in her eyes not to do it

>and that sinches it

>you take the cup and chug it down in one gulp

>OH MOTHER FUCK BALLS SHITDICKING NIGGERS IN HELL

>you spend the next fifty years wheezing, tearing up, clutching at your throat, and stumbling around

>after that's all said and done, Twilight and Pinkie are staring at you, seeming somewhat concerned

>"ANON! Are you okay?!"

"Y… y-y…. yeah, totally."

>Pinkie starts giggling

>"Oh, Nonny, you silly head. You're not supposed to chug it down like that? Haven't you ever had a drink before?"

"O-of course I have!"

>the blue one, Rainbow Dash, swoops down near you, holding a whole cupful of that horrible poison

>"Then have another."

>Twilight rushes to your side

>"Anon, you don't have to if you don't want to!"

>Pinkie Pie is less than helpful

>"DO IT!"

>naturally, you take the cup

>knowing full well that no good will come of this, you drink it all up

>at a more reasonable speed this time, of course

>"YYYEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHH"

>"Hey Twilight, you want one?"

>"Oh, I don't know, girls. Someone has to be in her right mind here."

>"Oh, come on, egghead. Everybody's doing it. Have a little fun for once in your life."

>"Oh dear."

>Twilight, apparently, is just as susceptible to peer pressure as you are

>now you know everything's going to go wrong

>the rest of Twilight's friends come trotting over

>the white one Rarity distributes drinks to all of you and speaks up

>"I do hereby propose a toast. To Anon, our new friend, that he may find happiness and fulfillment in this new chapter of his life!"

>disorderly "hear, hears" ring out, and all take another drink

>now things start to blur a little bit

>the next thing you remember is a red pony with berries on her butt

>"Wow, Anon, you can drink so much! How do you do it?"

>a blue pony with a black mane answers

>"He's a big guy!"

"FOR YOU"

>blurs and blackness

>you're in a basement with a green unicorn with a harp thingy on her butt, a pink unicorn with gems on her butt, Twilight Sparkle, and Pinkie Pie

>a banner that reads "Ponyville Extraequestrial Life Club"

>the green one is all over you

>she's explaining how, for the past year, she's been camping outside of your yurt doing nothing but watching you

>"aw shit nigga," says the alcohol, "you've got a stalker! fuckin awesome, dude!"

>aawwwww yeeeeeeh, you reply, gonna lose the v-card tonight brih

>the other mares are just sitting there giggling, Twilight taking sloppy notes on a clipboard

>the doors burst open and a morbidly obese teal unicorn bursts in, giving her best attempt at bedroom eyes

>"HEY THERE, HOT STUFF"

>the green pone leaps at her

>"FUCK OFF, TUMBLE HOOVES, THIS XENO IS MINE!"

>more blurry incoherence

>you're in what seems like a darkened palace, following a pink unicorn with a giant mane

>in your hands is a jar that holds what seems to be a floating picture of the Sun

>she suddenly motions for you to be quiet

>"Anon, give me the mark. Take out that guard!"

>more blackness, but this time with some red and a little more pain

>you're standing at the entrance of the forest

>ponies in golden armor are launching a merciless campaign against you

>but they are no match for you

>you are trained in gorilla warfare and you're the top sniper in the entire US armed forces

>but somehow you got surrounded, and it's all over now

>a mighty battle cry sounds

>it's Tumble Hooves

>she proceeds to rip and tear some guts

>sweet, merciful, blankness

>morning

>you're in your bed in Spike's room

>and so is Tumble Hooves

>you feel something around your dick, but nothing in your heart except shame

>pulling out, you reach down and feel lint on your member

>and there is no doubt in your mind that you fucked this horse in the bellybutton last night

Anon Fucking Hates the Spa tomorrow probably

>>199254

>recoiling, you leap out of bed

>this, you come to realize, was a horrible idea

>your senses are overwhelmed with pain and sickness and bright light

>time for some magic of your own

>it comes rushing up and out of your esophagus and right onto your unfortunate partner

>Tumble Hooves gets a full blast broadside

>but she's as steady a ship as there ever were, and she takes without a pitch or a roll

>that horse is passed the fuck out

"S-s-s-s-s-s..sorry…"

>you limp weakly from your room toward the kitchen

>you see that Twilight's night must have been comparable to yours

>she's visibly frazzled, and she's rushing around the kitchen with quill pens and paperwork galore flying about

>you stand there for a full five minutes or so before she notices you

>"Oh, Anon, good morning"

>there's a horsecock drawn on her eyelid

"So… how was… you're, uh, night?"

>her hair is a clumpy apocalypse

>"Oh, it was fine, fine, just great! I just need to fill out a few forms here, sign a few waivers, make a few court appearances, hunt down a communist terrorist, and there'll be no legal consequences for either of us!"

>an overpowering scent of stale maple syrup floats off of her body and into your nostrils

>a flash of green flame alerts you to Spike's presence

>he lies on the ground in agony as his fire materializes into another legal document

>holy shit, is that where all these papers came from?

"I'm sorry, Twilight."

>"Oh-ho-ho, don't worry about it, little buddy! It's fine, just fine, fine fine! So fine!"

>a purple eyelid twitches

>"It's really not your fault. I should have kept a closer eye on you. And also I probably shouldn't have chugged a whole keg of Grey Mare. Or given you the key to our nation's capitol palace. You probably weren't ready for a Pinkie party, and that one went way more out of control than ususal."

>a whole keg of vodka?

>geez-o-fucking-loo

>Twilight clearly wasn't much better adapted for such things than you were

>maybe it was true what she said about having been a "standoffish shutin" once

"I guess a big crazy party like that really wasn't a cup of tea for either of us."

>she looks you in the eye with a smile

>"No, I guess it really wasn't."

>a sensible chuckle is shared

>but it's cut short by another blast of green flame

>Twilight grabs the paper and her eyes pop out of her skull

>"SWEET FANCY STARSWIRL! ONE HUNDRED?!"

>Twilight purples her horn and a scalpel, a petri dish, a micropipette, a vial of liquid, and a list of adoption centers in the greater Ponyville area float into the room

>"Anon, I need to get to Fluttershy's right away! Rarity's coming over to take you to the spa. I'm sure you'll like it a lot more than last night. Bye!"

>a flash of light and she's gone

>another and she's back

>"Oh, and get Spike to his bed. Poor thing must have the most awful tummyache right now."

>and she's gone again

>you decide not to take Spike back to his own bed, as the room is somewhat less than decent right now

>so you enter the royal bedchamber and set him down on a deep amethyst pillow

>apart from a strong scent of maple syrup, it's surprisingly clean in here

>you head down and wait outside the door

>AGH, THE SUN, IT BURNS

>you forgot you were still hungover like a motherfuck

>fortunately you're not left waiting too long

>"Ah, Anonymous, darling. I had such a wonderful time with you at the party last night. Ready to go?"

>how is this horse in such good shape?

>and how in hell did she have a "wonderful time" with you?

>you grunt a wordless greeting, get up and walk over to her

>"Wonderful! Twilight told me you'd be in terrible condition this morning, and I figured that a nice afternoon at the spa would work wonders for you!"

>"Ah, it's right around this corner"

>"Annnd, here we are!"

>you follow the white pony into a garishly posh facility

>and you're greeted by two ponies in headbands who remind you of Trix yogurt

>"Aaaahhhhh, Miss Rarity! What can we do for you and your friend today?"

>"Hm, I'm caught between the hot rocks, the mudbath, and the seaweed wrap…"

>she turns to you

>"Anonymous, darling, what do you think we should get here?"

Anon Fucking Hates the Spa, pt 2 tomorrow probably

>>199700

MOAR PLS!!!

>>201002

All of it was interesting.

I request more, please.

>>201002

it's already been tomorrow, please post more

>>201002

"So"

>fuck

>Fluttershy bolts upright and stares wide-eyed at you

>fuuuuck

"S-so, uh, how's that life?"

>a wordless noise of uncertainty escapes her lips and strikes you like a newspaper might strike a misbehaving puppy

"Well, uh, that's good I guess."

>she's still staring right at you, her eyes big as saucers

>literally

>these ponies can be freaky as shit

>her massive pupils aren't quite meeting your eyes though

>they're a little bit

>lower

>and suddenly you're overcome with the sensation of an autistic yellow horse staring at your nipples

>fucking Twilight with her "nobody's gonna judge you" shit

>you grab a pillow and hug it to your torso in an attempt to hide your shame

>Fluttershy bites her lip and her eye twitches slightly

>what the fuck

>was she enjoying the view

>is she attracted to you?

>plsbeinlondon.jpg

"I-I'm sorry, did you want to see?"

>Fluttershy's eyes become as big as the fucking sun

>"OH, NO! I'm just… not sure if that's…"

>she cringes a little

>"sanitary…"

"O-o-o-oh…"

>of fucking course she was grossed out by your misshapen body on her pillow, you autist

>after a moment of staring at the wall to your left, her soft voice sounds in your ear

>"Anon, your tea looks cold. Would you like me to get some more?"

>you jump like a fucking skeleton just grabbed your shoulder

"S-sure"

>"I'll be right back."

>a minute passes

>she's probably sneaking out

>hoofsteps

>it's Fluttershy, she actually came right back with more tea

>oh fuck why didn't she just sneak out?

>she sets down the tea in front of you and returns to her seat

>"So Anon."

>

"Yes?"

>"What are the animals like where you're from?"

>you notice now that several dozen birds, bunnies, rodents, and even a massive bear are approaching Fluttershy's chair, staring at you

>one white rabbit stands on top of the back rest, gazing angrily into your soul

"Well, the rabbits are fatter."

>Fluttershy's eyes take on both the size and the brilliance of the sun

>"Oh, you have bunnies where you're from? I thought you came from another world?"

"I don't really know where I came from, relative to here."

>"But you have bunnies?"

"Yes."

>"What else do you have"

>you mentally prepare yourself

>for the best explanation of Earth's wildlife you can possibly give

>and for the longest conversation with a female you've ever had

pt 3 tomorrow probably :^)

We are waiting Anon

>>201965

>"No!"

"Yes, all of them."

>Fluttershy's composure devolves into a fit of giggles

>"Oh Anon, I can't possibly see why you were so sad. You're just so lovable."

>she's sitting next to you now, and currently mockingly pinching your cheeck with an impossibly dextrous hoof

>small talk is great

>you can't say just what exactly you've been talking about for the past two hours

>but you're having a nice time for once

>Fluttershy's comment makes you feel a little more reserved

>you grunt to express some emotion you don't know the word for, but the giggling mare doesn't notice

>it is at this moment that your eyes are stabbed by the flash of a neon light

>in between you and Fluttershy sits a monstrous creature

>serpentine in shape, with a horse's head and a myriad of other parts that don't belong on the same body

>"Fluttershy! You've missed our evening stroll entirely! I've been positively sick with anxiety!"

>"Oh, I'm so sorry Discord. I've just been so caught up in talking with Anon here."

>the snakelike neck whips around, bringing its head inches from your face

>"Anon, eh?"

>the words "good evening" form in your lungs, but never make it past your throat despite several tries

>"How d'you do."

>totally disinterested, he turns back to his horse to resume his discussion

>y-you too

>"Fluttershy! You know how busy I've become lately, this is the only time I'm able to spend with you anymore!"

>"What exactly do you do all day?"

>Discord ignores the question, continuing his rant

>"And I'm nigh on five thousand years old! I need my excercise to stay healthy! I simply can't keep it off like the young, beautiful folks do anymore."

>now might be the time for a smartass comment

"R-really? Y-y-you don't look a day over fourteen hundred!"

>Discord turns to look at you again, this time seeming a bit pissed off

>he sizes you up, top to bottom

>"You should really consider wearing a shirt."

>Discord snaps his fingers and a hideous, yellow polka-dot sweatervest materializes over your bare chest

>Fluttershy poorly conceals a giggle

>you've always read that, in these sorts of situations, a man is supposed to feel a burning sensation in his face

>yet you feel nothing but the return of an old, familiar pit in your stomach

>something that had previously been there so long you'd simply stopped noticing it

"I should probably get going now."

>Fluttershy manages to look a little bit disappointed

>"Please come back any time you-"

>"Yes, yes, it is getting quite late, isn't it? You should really run along back to your princess now."

>snap

>and you're outside of Fluttershy's little cottage

>all the blinds and curtains close, and the door clicks locked

>oh, and just in time, too

>Twilight is walking back to the cottage, carrying what seems to be a box of wafer cookies

>she hasn't noticed you yet

>so you dash off of the beaten path and make your escape behind a cover of trees, bushes, and darkness

>once you're out of the cottage's general vicinity, you wonder where you can even go

>your yurt has been taken down; you went past the spot where it once stood

>nowhere to go but back to your shitty little bed in Princess Twilight's crystal castle

>it's time for bed anyways

>you're just so tired

Anon Fucking Hates /fit/ tomorrow™.

There's a good chance that the next few updates will come from a different ID. If that's the case, you'll know it's me by the tripcode above.

>>198169

Something tells me being forced into a position of servitude under threat of sodomy-by-zebra-cock in a dungeon wouldn't help anyone in being less suicidal.

>>198573

I'm convinced by now that Twilight is fucking sadistic and evil. I like it.

>>200183

You know what? I'm pretty sure the whole Ponyville is sadistic and evil.

>>202345

What if Discord is the one causing everything to go wrong for an already autistic manchild? Between the spa throwing searing hot rocks at Anon, the morbidly obese throwing themselves at Anon, and Twilight being a complete sociopath, I'd reckon that's the most plausible explanation for all this.

>>202345

You know at this point point I just want Anon to flip out in homicidal rage.

>>202444 (checked)

Death trips has spoken

>>202345

>"Anon, how was Fluttershy's last night? I came back with refreshments, but you'd already left."

"I-it was"

"fine."

>"Are ypu sure, Anon? I know Discord showed up, and I know he can be a little bit…"

>she bites her lip here

>the look on your face probably tells her everything that happened

>"… possessive."

"A little bit."

>a minute of silent breakfasting ensues

>"Anon, I'm asking because I don't really know if you should be wandering off on your own like that yet. There's just no telling what you might, you know,"

>you very intentionally give her the most morose, pissy face you can give

>"do to yourself."

"Thanks for the concern, princess, but as you can see, I haven't fucking killed myself yet."

>more silent eating

>it is at this, the least appropriate moment, that a bolt obnoxious blue lightning zips into the dining room

>"TWILIGHT. You have got to see this!"

>Rainbow Dash shoves a piece of paper into her princess's face

>Twilight takes hold of the letter and reads aloud

>"Dear Rainbow Dash, we are pleased to inform you that your service has been transferred from the Equestrian Wonderbolts Skyfleet Reserve to the Equestrian Wonderbolts Regular Reserve. Bi-monthly musters will be held…"

>"Rainbow, this is great!"

>the two hug

>"But what exactly does it mean?"

>"It means that I am one step closer to being a real Wonderbolt!"

>"Oh, Rainbow, I'm so happy for you!"

>what the fuck is a wonderbolt

>"But that's not the only reason why I came here!"

>Rainbow turns her attention to you

>fucking why

>"You know half of Ponyville saw you walking around without a shirt on last night, right?"

>your gaze drops and you groan a little bit

>"Rainbow, what are you doing?!"

>Rainbow Dash ignores the royal question

>"That's right. You seriously need to get in better shape. Fortunately for you, I am Ponyville's leading expert in fitness!"

"Wh-wh-wh-what are you saying?"

>she bumps your chest with her hoof

>"I'm saying you should come work out with me today, Anon."

>Twilight's visible concern evaporates

>Rainbow smiles eggingly

>you don't really want to be here with Twilight all day

>but you only ever worked out alone back home

>before you got here, you'd even built up a respectable home gym just to avoid interacting with gym-goers

>a workout partner just sounds…

"I'm down."

>YES!

>fuck

Anon Fucking Hates /fit/, pt 2 tomorrow possibly maybe if the stars align just right

>>202482

MOAR!

>>203147

>can do forty pushups

>barely does a single five rep bench press set of fifty pounds

And just like that, my willing suspension of disbelief is broken.

>>203160

But after working your chest to failure wouldn't it be difficult to do benches?

>>203898

>you once read that most predators won't chase you unless you run

>it's like a reflex or something

>unfortunately your brain is too fucked from seeing wood monsters to remember that right now

>and you take off sprinting before any of them get within ten feet of you

>fuckfuckfuckfuck

>you're running faster than you ever thought you possibly could

>but FUCK there's no way you can outrun these things

>so you get a stupid idea

>you reach down hoping to grab a rock or a stick or something

>you grab hold of a rock, but your feet lose their traction and you slip

>you scramble into a sitting upright position and throw a rock at the nearest wolf

>they pause long enough for you to stand up and grab more rocks

>time to die

>you throw another rock and the wolves run away like the pansies they are

>blood and iron, lmao

>wait, if you're safe then what's that roaring behind you?

>oh, it's nothing

>just a fucking scorpion-bat-lion motherfucker

>JUST

>you hastily throw your rocks at its face and run after the wolves

>by slipping between narrow spaces between the trees, you can slow it down a little bit

>but FUCK it's gonna get you if you don't find a hiding spot

>nothing good in sight

>the ground trembles in front of you as a massive four-headed dragon thing smashes its way toward you

>why the fuck do you even bother?

>you half hope the lion thing is gonna fight for its right to eat you

>but no, it's running away like a little bitch

>whatever

>you just stand there

"Fuck you, you fucking cunt."

>it fails to take offense

>just as one of its heads is about to snap you up, an axe smashes into its eye and distracts it

>you look to the left, certain that fucking yog sothoth is here just to make sure your day gets fucked up

>it's one of Twilight's friends, the orange one with the hat

>"Mr. Anon, this way now! Come on now get a move on there ain't much time!"

>oh fuck yes

>she leads you through a narrow winding path away from the shrieking monsters of the forest

>there is silence from both of you until you come upon the entrance to a great orchard of apple trees

>"Now just what in tarnation were ya doin' out in the middle of the Everfree Forest, Mr. Anon?"

>you're still looking around frantically to make sure no more abominations appear

>the orange pony sighs

>"Yer safe here, Mr. Anon. This is my farm. Welcome to Sweet Apple Acres."

Anon Fucking Hates Apples, pt 2 tomorrow probably

>>203899 (checked)

Aren't the manticore supposed to be friendly or something?

>>203147

WEAK

>>203900

Manticore likes fluttershy because she fucks literally every animal

everyone else can piss off

>>203283

Anon did one continuous set of forty. That's really not bad, especially compared to his bench. Fifty pounds is literally just the bar. It's what 10 year old girls should bench. Unless Anon's been doing assisted/modified pushups, one set of five with the bar is ridiculous.

>>203899

Have Anon sneak off and go on some blind, haphazard train ride and end up in a really bad spot that his scrawny autistic ass can't handle, then have Twilight come and save him. That would be funny.

>>204222

I never count the bar.

>>204253

Sounds like an inefficient and self-depreciating to track your progress. Tell people you bench 100 lbs, and people will laugh at you. Tell people you bench 50 lbs, and people will wonder if you have some kind of disorder.

>>203898

Unfortunately, Anon must not want to kill himself anymore, or he would've taken a kitchen knife and slit his own throat while he had the chance.

>>204286

Or jumped out a castle window. (Though maybe he doesn't want to traumatize any foals.)

>>204308

>implying he'd give a shit

Anon should allahu akbar the schoolhouse tbh.

>>203899

>you calm down your heartrate slows itself to about six million miles per hour

>and you get down to earth just enough to hear Applejack's reproaching question

>"Now just what in tarnation were ya doin in the Everfree Forest, Anon?"

"I-I, I was, I was taking a walk."

>"A walk? You mean like a stroll? A Sunday mornin stroll through the most dangerous neck o woods in all Equestria?"

>her eyes radiate a concentrated beam of doubt into your soul

"Well how was I supposed to know it would be full of horrible monsters?"

>Applejack considers this for a moment and her gaze softens a bit

>"Well, I guess you are new round these parts."

>smiling gently as though absolving you of a minor social blunder, she gestures with her head

>"Come on then, sugarcube. I was gonna take the day off too, after gettin some firewood. Course, now my axe is gone. Why don't you stay for breakfast?"

>she leisurely saunters toward the big red barn in the center of the property

"S-sure."

>and you follow alongside her, but slightly behind her center

>"So what do ya think o the good princess? She treatin ya well?"

>the chaos of the past week flashes past your consciousness in an instant

"Uh, yeah, I guess so."

>"That's good."

>she spies a big red pony by the little farmhouse

>"Hey, Big Mac! Tell Granny to whip up an extra plate. We got company."

>the big guy wordlessly and casually walks inside

>"Hoo-ey. Granny Smith's the best cook this side o Canterlot. You're gonna love her cookin, I promise."

>her green eyes quickly examine your form

>"An you look like you could use a good breakfast. Good golly, boy, have you been eatin right?"

>your depression-induced lack of appetite over the past year would have been the envy of most ascetic monks

"N-not really, I guess."

>you're just about at the simple screen door now

>Applejack nudges your side with a playful hoof

>"Aw-haw, well we'll see what we can do bout that! You'll be fuller n a bit box durin cider season!"

>the countryism is lost on you

>"Let's get in there, now, Anon. It'll get cold!"

>with an exaggerated trot, the horse who just saved your life goes inside and makes loud greetings to her kinsfolk

>oh dear

>there's nothing for it but to follow her inside

>instantly, a little yellow pony finds her way to your feet

>"Hi! Are you Mr. Anon? I'm Apple Bloom and I'm glad to meet ya! The whole town has been buzzin ever since Pinkie Pie's p-"

>"Apple Bloom! Give our guest some space!"

>"Just sit right there, sugarcube. Breakfast'll be out in a pinch."

>>204755

>Applejack was right

>Granny Smith makes some bomb ass breakfast

>you honestly didn't realize how fast you were eating

>and your plate is empty

>"Shoot Anon. Y'all weren't kiddin about not eatin right. You must've been starvin!"

>the old green pony who must be Granny Smith interjects

>"A great big feller like that needs his vittles, darlin! You want some more apple fritters, Anonymous?"

"Uh, n-no thank you."

>you nervously glance out the window

"I should probably get going now."

>Applejack responds uproariously

>"Nonsense! You should stick around for a spell! We're gonna have a nice, relaxin Sunday and we want you to join us."

>they want you to join them?

"O-okay."

>you sure do hope they don't change their minds

>the family finishes eating and giving their best compliments to the cook

>then things move to the front porch

>there's three rocking chairs and a two-seat swing set up

>you take a seat on the swing, hoping that it wasn't anybody's chosen spot

>the adults all find their chairs

>and Apple Bloom jumps up next to you

>and it's quiet

>you nervously observe for a moment before realizing

>it's not a bad quiet

>usually when you're with company and it's quiet, it's because you're an awkward sperglord who doesn't know what to say

>but here, nothing needs to be said

>after a week of hard work, the ponies of a farming family have stuffed themselves

>they intend to sit in the pleasant, quiet company of each other until the slight ache in their stomachs goes away

>it takes you a few moments more to relax yourself

>when it happens, you notice it

>your muscles seem to slide into a more comfortable position under your skin

>your back sinks into the cushion behind you until it hits the resistance of the wooden frame

>your vision expands as the skin around your eyes and mouth simply revert to a natural state of non-use

>the sound of your own breath sounds in your ears as you allow yourself to exhale fully

>you didn't even notice what you felt like until it went away

>okay

>"Mr. Anon?"

>and it all comes rushing back

>it's Apple Bloom

>you look at her attentively, unsure what, if anything, you're supposed to say here

>"Do you have your cutie mark?"

>what

"My what?"

>"You know,"

>the underage horse enthusiastically shoves her butt in your face

>"your cutie mark!"

>she seems to be proudly displaying the picture on it

>it's a tricolor shield with an apple in the center

>"It's what shows your special talent! The one thing you can do that makes you unique."

>Applejack chuckles

>"Heh, this little'un just got hers, and she's prounder'n a peach over it. It's a right special mark too."

"What is it?"

>"It means that I can help you understand what your cutie mark means and who you're supposed to be! I spent so long searchin for my own special talent that I guess searchin for special talents became my special talent!"

>that's a hell of a talent

cont'd

>>205236

>Applejack introduces more examples to you, gesturing to her own impressive hips

>"These here apples mean that I'm supposed to be an apple farmer, and Big Mac's got the same talent. Granny Smith, as you surely already know, is the greatest apple chef in all Equestria."

>you look and see that the mentioned ponies have butt stamps coinciding with Applejack's claims

>Apple Bloom turns to you

>"So what's your special talent? Oh wait, don't tell me! I wanna see, I wanna see your mark!"

>she starts frantically pawing at your wasteband in an attempt to see the alleged goods within

>you freeze the fuck up

>"Apple Bloom! Ya can't go round disrobin folks! Anon's not like us; he probably doesn't have one. Do ya?"

"N-no."

>Apple Bloom looks disappointed

>"Oh."

>"Well you can still have a special talent, right? What is it?"

>special talent?

>the child's question prompts some serious thought on your part

>you spent your childhood shirking off homework and avoiding people

>you've spent your adult life flitting from activity to activity depending on what your interest of the week was

>hiking, cooking, lifting, gardening, drawing, writing, programming, even philosophical thought, to name just a few

>you sometimes even came back to some of them every few months or so

>but you never really stuck with anything long enough to get good at anything

>just long enough to know how to shitpost about it

>but a single special talent?

>you certainly didn't lack any of the physical traits necessary to get one

>you weren't short, ugly, prone to obesity, or unintelligent

>you just

>never did anything

>Apple Bloom gets tired of waiting for your train of thought to come to a stop

>"What's yer special talent, Anon? What are ya good at?"

>her massive, glimmering eyes meet your tiny, darting ones

>the silence is oppressive once again

"U-uh, let me get back to you on that."

>and you get up

>and you leave

>and you can almost feel the awkward tension radiating from the porch into the back of your head until you're out of sight

>what the fuck are you good at?

Anon Fucking Hates Friendship tomorrow probably

>>205247

I can easily relate to Anon here. Despite a place being comfortable, it can be made uncomfortable, silly. And some people (such as Anon and I) cannot think when feeling stressed. Anon felt that the Apples' attention was on him, and he didn't have an answer, and so felt like a weight was pushing him down.

>>her massive, glimmering eyes meet your tiny, darting ones

>>the silence is oppressive once again

I hope I made some sense. It's 1:00 AM where I live and I'm tired as fuck.

>>205253

I see.

Also, I forgot that Anon is still a stranger or feel like a stranger to them.

Makes more sense.

>>205802

You better make it the map fixes something about anon.

If so, that just break a major canon of the show.

>>205807

Since when do we give a damn about breaking show canon?

>>205834

I do, fag.

>>205838

But that's just you.

>>205802

>you get out of bed and head downstairs

>the six ponies are gathered around the table with the map

>in the same marked thrones where they sat during that awful breakfast

>their faces are deadly serious

>Twilight's cutie mark hovers over the Crystal Empire

>it seems to notice you and brighten up considerably

>Rainbow speaks up

>"Well, that settles it. Anon is supposed to go with you on this one."

>Twilight agrees

>"I can't really see any other interpretation to this. Anon has to be the one to come with me on this quest."

>she looks to you

>"I think I can kind of see why. Anon, you've made progress over the past week. I understand that you've opened up considerably more than I expected you would this early on."

>"I know it must not feel like it, but a lot of ponies around town know who you are, Anon. They think you're great. Not only for the things you never meant to do at the party, but also from your amazing display of strength at the gym. You can't see it yet, but you're giving an aura, Anon. An aura that draws ponies in."

>"You're not ready to fully integrate into a friendship-based society, but you're getting there. And I certainly think you're ready to help me solve whatever friendship problem may arise in the Crystal Empire."

>there's a tightness in your throat

>there's a lead weight in your gut

>there's a wet heat in your eyes

>never in all your life

>have you ever heard

>such a nice-sounding pile of horseshit

>you don't believe a fucking word of it

>you're about to start feeling pissed when Rarity pipes up

>"Oh, Twilight. An excursion to the Crystal Empire could easily turn out to be dangerous! Anonymous is just so… delicate."

>Fluttershy adds her two cents

>"Oh, it's true! Anon is so sensitive! What if he can't take it?!"

>Rainbow Dash disagrees

>"Of course he can take it! Anon is strong!"

>Pinkie Pie also leaps to your defense

>"Yeah! Anon is a ka-razy party animal!"

>Applejack is the only one who doesn't voice an opinion

>she just stares at you

>the orange farm pony delivers a perfect poker face in your direction

>Twilight interrupts the debate

>"It doesn't matter. We have to trust the map's judgement. If it says I take Anon, then I'll take Anon. There's nothing else to be said for it, girls."

>"Twilight, please let us come with you then! Anon isn't prepared for whatever's coming!"

>"No, Fluttershy. If you were supposed to come, we would know. This is the end of the discussion."

>a tense silence fills the air

>all this bickering over some faggot like you

>you suppress a cynical giggle

"All right, let's go then!"

>you're so not ready for whatever this shit is

>you don't even know what the fuck it's supposed to be

>like it fucking matters

pt 3 tomorrow probably

>>206289

Excuse my faggotry

>>206289

Nothing really matters, Anyone can see

Nothing really matters

Nothing really matters to me

>>206289

>for a while the chugging of the train is all there is

>your mind is blank

>there is only rapid, repetitive, regular sound of the locomotive

>and the quickly sliding landscape, moving ever backward

>the way it's peppered with constantly changing distortion from little beads of rain gathering on a pane of glass

>but there's nothing in your mind

>at least, not until the thought of "I'm not thinking of anything at all" crosses your mind

>fuck shit no damnit why fuck you fucking thoughts go away

>the more frantically you try to suppress your brain's activity, the more words it produces

>shit fucking damnit

>now you have to think about it

>think about what exactly?

>you look around the train cabin

>you see Twilight Sparkle sitting next to you

>she's clearly just as "deep in thought" as you were a minute ago

>Twilight's as good a place as any to start internally griping from

>you're sitting next to a magic unicorn princess with wings in a train on your way to a crystal city that calls itself an empire

>you are sitting next to a literal princess like you just don't give a shit

>and she is a talking horse

>this is all so fucking wierd

>you remember now that, when you were in high school, you had to read Gulliver's Travels

>most people didn't really get it past Lilliput

>but the part that had gotten to you the most was the last part

>with the Houyhnhnms

>essentially, a utopic nation of talking horses

>no stealing, no violence, no dishonesty

>they just couldn't comprehend these concepts

"Twilight?"

>it takes her a moment to realize she's been addressed

>she briefly mumbles something and looking around until her eyes settle on you

>"Yes, Anon?"

"Have you ever heard of 'lying'?"

>she gives you a look

>"Lying?"

"You know, saying that which is not."

>"No, I-I know what lying is, but… why would you ask me that?"

>well, Mr. Swift

>your vision was a little off

"No reason."

>"Do you wanna talk or something?"

"Sure."

>fuck

>you answered before you could think about it

>now comes the brief, awkward period where you stare at Twilight

>and she stares at you

>and you try to think of something to talk about

>fortunately, you're saved by the whistle of the train

>and a stallion with olympian ivory sideburns trots through the cabin

>"We have reached the Crystal Empire. All ashore who's goin' ashore."

>"We can talk in a little bit, Anon. Let's go. I didn't send word that I was coming, so hopefully Princess Cadance doesn't hold us up."

pt 4 tomorrow

probably

>>207650

"And all my life I've been like this. Alone. The others all just… knew that I wasn't like them somehow, and they stayed as far away as possible. All of my deepest interactions with others haven't involved anything more intimate that shooting bullshit with someone who was forced to be around me daily for work or school reasons. Nobody would ever try to to reach out to me, least of all someone important like you."

>Twilight abruptly stops walking, forcing you to halt in your tracks and turn to face her

>"Nobody? Nobody at all? Not even your family? Anon, up until a few years ago I'd spent my whole life avoiding getting close to others, but I always had my family to turn to when I needed support."

>your family

>there's a shitfest you've given no thought to in a long time

>if Twilight was ever anything like you she'll answer this question the way you think she will

"How often did you turn to them after moving out?"

>"N-not very often."

>"But Spike was always around! And I kept in constant correspondance with Princess Celestia! It's something, Anon! You had somebody!"

>you think hard for a moment, prompted by the unexpected display of passion

>your family again comes to mind, but you rapidly banish the thought from your brain

>you had a few friends when you were little, but early on you started developing in a radically different direction from the way they went

>when high school started some folks briefly tried to recruit you into their social circles

>but those circles were just too loud, too bright, and too hot for you

>after a couple weeks you - almost involuntarily - would actively avoid them, and they always stopped talking to you after that

>college was much of the same

>by the time you got your first job it was too late for you

>by this point you'd stopped giving a shit, you crafted an entertaining mask and displayed it whenever your coworkers tried to see you

>they appreciated you to some extent at work, but not one of them really viewed you as an equal

>water cooler bullshit or not, they still knew that you weren't like them

>at least, that's the impression you got

>and after you quit that hellhole, you went NEET and lost all contact with everyone you'd ever known

>and now you're here

"None that I can think of, Twilight."

>you've practiced this conversation a billion times

>but never, in all the years since you first conceived it, did you ever dare to speak it aloud

>it's left you feeling squishy, cold, and vulnerable

>"Anon, I-"

>she's interrupted by a mighty roar of displeasure

>you both look across the street to see a gray and black stallion being goaded along down the sidewalk by an elderly, onyx crystal pony

>he doesn't have a cutie mark

>you want to label him a pathetic autist, but all you can do right now is feel

>Twilight, on the other hand, is petrified at the sight

End Act I, How Anon Learned to Stop Being an Autist and Love the Horses

Act II, The Time is Coming When Betas Will Decide the Fate of Us All, tomorrow probably

>>207651

I did not feel a feel. I think I've been watching too many cringe videos, because the entire time I had edgy teen screaming in my head.

My waifu keeps me from an heroing every day ;~;

>>207864

I actually made this thread too. I feel like I've created a monster. I was actually enjoying this thing back when it was just about Twilight putting a mentally retarded Anon through sadistic torture under the guise of mental help/therapy. But now I'm suspecting that was unintentional and a result of ham-fisted writing.

>>207651

>the grey stallion shouts at his elderly companion

>"I DEMAND THE TENDIES THAT ARE RIGHTFULLY MINE"

>the old mare tut-tuts in reply

>"Now Sombra, darling. You know that crystal tenders are ten good boy points, not five."

>"LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE CRYSTAL TENDIES IS WHAT I DESIRE"

>"Sombra, sweetheart, you're making a scene. Let's get back home and I'll make you some haygel bites."

>grumbling about grave insults and scowling, Sombra lowers his head and follows his mother quietly

>goodness fucking gracious

>that poor, poor mother

>Twilight shoves you with her hoof

>"Anon, get behind me!"

"Wh-why?"

>"Do it!"

>without checking to see if you obeyed her order, the princess of friendship stretches her wings, tearing the flimsy raincoat from her body

>her horn glows an increasingly brilliant purple

>"King Sombra! You are not welcome in this land!"

>holy fucking niggers

>she's going to murder that autistic pony

>you should do something about this

>"T-Twilight! Is that you?"

>seemingly out of nowhere, a pink princess pony puts her hoof on Twilight's shoulder with a nervous smile

>"Cadance, what are you doing? That's King Sombra!"

>"Y-yeah, that's him all right. He's been back for a couple weeks now."

>"A couple weeks? How come there hasn't been any news about this?"

>Cadance looks between Twilight and Sombra a few times

>"He's… not really doing anything newsworthy is he?"

>Twilight looks between Cadance and Sombra a few times

>he's just standing there scowling

>her horn stops glowing

>"I-I guess not."

>"Well, why don't you and your friend here come visit for dinner in the castle? I'll explain everything there."

>Cadance calls out across the street

>"Oh, Bismuth, would you and your son care to join me and Princess Twilight for dinner?"

>"Why, that would be lovely! Sombra, come along now. We're going to eat with the princesses."

>all of Sombra's rage dissipates and he timidly shuffles behind his mother across the street toward you

>Twilight looks to you, evidently distressed

>"Is this what the map sent us here for? What's going on?"

>you shrug, grunt, and follow the group toward a crystal castle that's arguably uglier than the one you've been living in for the past week

Do you guys want me to go on? Or move it to some dead pony board or something? I can take it if my writing is shit.

>>207906

Your writing is awesome, put it where you want but leave a note where you write next.

>>207906

>"I DEMAND THE TENDIES THAT ARE RIGHTFULLY MINE"

Okay, this is getting good. Keep going.

>>207906

I've been enjoying myself

>>207906

>autistic Sombra

K-keep going…

>>207906

If you want my honest opinion, it has an undeniable sense of being pulled out of a certain rear-facing bodily orifice of the excretory system, and not having much thought put into it. I mean, it's not functionally bad, but it's having somewhat of an identity crisis and the humour (at least the intentional humor) falls flat pretty much all the time.

>>207906

>you don't know how the fuck this happened

>this is the second royal banquet hall in which you've sat down to a meal

>you feel fancy as hell

>you're pulled out of this thought when you hear someone reference you

>"Hey, Twily! You didn't say you were coming over. Who's your friend?"

>"Oh, um, Anon? He's just, uh, you know."

>the stocky, blue-haired chad pony apparently doesn't know

>he stares at Twilight to get her to make him know until it becomes apparent that she's unwilling to elaborate any further

>thanks for the glowing introduction, you purple bastard

>"Okay then. Well, Anon, I'm Shining Armor. Twilight's brother. It's nice to meet you."

>you intended to say something that didn't sound severely socially retarded

"Y-you too."

>but it just didn't come out that way

>fortunately, the important folks have much more important things to discuss as dinner is brought out on platters

>oh boy, various grasses and flowers

>de-fucking-licious

>Twilight is anxious to get down to business right away

>"So Cadance, care to explain why he's here?"

>in obvious reference to Sombra

>"He showed up a couple of weeks ago. We were going to banish him to the frozen wastes, but his mother pleaded with us to let him stay. He doesn't seem to have his dark powers anymore, so we put him on a sort of probation."

>"Cadance, that stallion is a war-criminal and a despot! Dark powers or not, he's too dangerous to just be let loose on the Crystal Empire."

>Sombra's mother butts in

>"He's a good boy! He's just always had a hard time ever since his father and I broke up. Conquering the Crystal Empire was just a cry for help!"

>she's talking about a grown ass adult like he's a little boy

>Sombra himself doesn't seem to care about the apparent slight, busying himself with the arrangement of the blue flower petals on his plate

>Cadance puts out another case for Sombra

>"Twilight, don't be so quick to judge Sombra. It's my understanding that you're good friends with at least one war criminal and attempted despot yourself."

>"W-well, Discord is more Fluttershy's friend than mine…"

>fucking Discord

>what kind of cuck nation lets multiple would-be-tyrants walk around free within its borders?

>aw shit they're bringing out the deserts now

>it looks like something you can digest this time

>brownies next to hot coacoa

>awww yeeee

>the princesses continue their discussion, ignoring the bountiful cache laid out on the table

>only you and Sombra grab some

>unfortunately, your hand finds its way onto one brownie that Sombra has already magic'd

>"REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"

>you don't fucking know how this happened

>you're under heavy fire from brownie projectiles

>general quarters, general quarters, all hands man your battle stations

>warning status: red

>you're normally too much of a beta pushover to get mad

>but this is too fucking much

>you attempt to beat the shit out of the little shit

>perhaps fortunately for you, you find yourself whisked away to another room in a bright flash of purple

>Twilight is glaring daggers at you

>"ANON"

>time to get bitched at, son

What I Learned in Friendship School tomorrow probably

>>208460

Pit Sombra and Anon against each other in a competition to see who's the biggest autistic manchild. Naturally, that would mean pitting Cadence and Twilight against each other in a competition to see who's the best handler of an autistic manchild. That could redeem this overly drawn out joke if done decently.

>>208499

Sombra.

>>208514

http://pastebin.com/Au5fWen3

>>208828

Is writefag kill?

>>210099

OP please come back, we are waiting for you!

>>208460

Well, hope you have a great Christmas with your fam tbqh.

>>208460

>reeeeeee

>cuck

I can tell this was written in the current year

Daily reminder for OP to come back!

>>208460

using tripcode I used up here >>202345 because new ID

>"ANON"

>your resolve vanishes at the prospect of a stern talking to

>you shake and shudder and simply stare in response

>"YOU CAN'T GO AROUND ASSAULTING PONIES"

"H-h-h-h-h-h-hhe threw brownies and hot coacoa at me though…"

>"THAT'S… THAT'S…"

>"Look, Anon. I really think this is what the map sent us up here for. It would just mean so much to me if you just helped me help Sombra here."

>how are you supposed to help the bastard?

>you're barely more adjusted than he is

"What can I possibly do to help him?"

>Twilight is momentarily stumped

>she magics up a pen and parchment

>"I know you're not very far along yet, but I think it would be really helpful to Sombra if he could get some advice from another junior student in friendship."

>junior student in friendship?

>goodness fucking gracious

"Advice?"

>"Yeah. Just write down what you've learned this week."

>you haven't learned anything

>after an awkward pause, she places the pen into your hand

>"You must have learned something, Anon. Here, let me start it for you."

>she magics your hand and the pen within and begins reciting what she's writing

>"Dear Princess Twilight, this week I learned…"

>she admires her handiwork for a second and giggles

>"There. I'm gonna go apologize to Cadance for you. I'll be back in a bit when you're done."

>oh fuck

>alone with nothing but this awful task, you panic a little and start talking to yourself

"Okay."

"Okay."

"What the fuck did I learn?"

>…

>inspiration strikes you

"That's fukken it, son."

>and you compose what must be, in your humble opinion, your most masterful shitpost ever

Sorry for flaking. You know how this real life shit goes.

Next part soon(tm).

>>210255

>not noticing the ebin awww yeeee meme

>not keeping up on bleeding edge meme culture

fucking casual

>>210435

this shitpost better be good

>>210435

HE RETURNS

>>204222

It's 50 plus the bar

>>210435

"Done."

>"R-really?"

"Yep."

>she seems disappointed

>"Are you sure? I have some good writing tips for you."

"It's done."

>"Okay then, let's see what you've got so far."

>she reads the opening line with a great big smile

>"Dear Princess Twilight, this week I learned…"

>and her face transforms into one that grows increasingly frustrated

>"The fat chicks really do eat dick the best…"

>"The disadvantages of not having a coat of fur…"

>"That, no matter how hard you try to be friends with someone, there will always be a… chad?… to fuck everything up…"

>"That… sloots love… gloots…"

>"And that some people aren't good at anything and should probably just not even try…"

>the paper whips into the floor

>she looks pissed

>"ANON!"

>you are 'abbin the giggle of your life right now

>"This isn't funny!"

>you clearly think it's pretty funny

>even after the paper slaps into your face multiple times

>"Anon, this is important! I'm sure Sombra is the reason why the map sent us here, and I know it picked you to come for a reason!"

>the genuine frustration beats you back into beta mode, and you pay attention

>"Look, Anon, I know you're not quite a social butterfly like the rest of us"

>damn son

>"But you don't seem to want to hurt yourself anymore."

>"So, as per our agreement, I can release you from your servitude."

>AW SHIT NIGGA

>"You won't have to live in the castle, you can have your tent back, and I won't be constantly breathing down your neck anymore."

>fuckin nice, son

>"You will, of course, receive visits from me on a semi-weekly basis. To make sure you're doing okay and to continue your education in friendship."

>i-it's still a better deal than what you've got now

>"But first"

>shit

>"You have to help me with Sombra."

"But how will we know when we're done?"

>Twilight waves her ass in your face like it's a perfectly normal thing to do

>When this"

>she touches the purple star on her butt

>"starts flashing again, we'll know we're done here."

>you take it all in for a moment

>"You don't have to have that paper written up today, but you do need to have it done, and you will interact with Sombra until we're done here."

"And then I'm free?"

>"And then you're free. Good night, Anon."

>she leaves

>a yellow pegasus pony wearing crystal armor walks in and gives you a face somewhere between a friendly smile and a superior smirk

>"Let me show you to your room, sir."

Next part soon(tm)

>>210435

HE RETURNS

>>203160

I cannot believe Anon can't do at least a hundred crunches. I'm a fucking autist and I can do at least 150.

Somebody screen cap this thread. this is too glorious to be lost to the aether.

>>213850

Anon here's a little trick i learned off /pol/

If you've got Mozilla firefox

Press Shift+F2

Then type:

Screenshot filename.png –fullpage

then press enter and your done

you wouldn't believe the amount of time this saved me when saving news articles

>>213980

Firefox's command line won't cap a page that's too big.

OP will deliver.

>>207651

That got super deep, super quick. I love it though. It speaks to me.

>>216609

>This thread is dead

>It is no more

>It died a little each day

>Like a Normie the feels stole it away

>It is a ghost

>Just a mirage

>That traces lie in /pone/

Will HALtSBaAaLtH be back soon?

>>218181

Probably

Real life can steal someone for a month or two

Probably wouldn't give a shit.

>11/1/2015

This board is not dead.

>>211861

Anon, come back, I need to know how this ends.

If, you don't I'm gonna have to try to finish it. Trust me, nobody wants that.

>>211861

>You manage to make it to the room without incident.

>That's where your good luck ends though.

>Sombra is there… because of course he is.

>"You! You tried to take my dessert. Don't mess with me again…"

>'normie' ouch

>"or you'll have a bad time."

>badass.jpg

>You consider giving the little shit a peice of your mind, but the pegasus is faster on the uptake than you.

>"Alright lets get you back where you belong"

>She hooks a wing around Sombra and starts to guide him out.

>"Will you be ok Anon?"

"Y-yeah"

>Sombra doesn't protest the pressure, in fact he seems to be smirking.

>Whatever, too tired for more shit today.

>Right now you have to piss

>The bathroom is nice enough

>Your stream arches it's way toward the water

>And stops before it gets there.

>MOTHERFUCKER is that plastic wrap?!

>It is, and now your pants are full of piss

"That little shit!"

>Some part of you recognizes that you're pissed off, the pun just makes you even more pissy.

>Whatever, you take your pants off rip the plastic off and throw it away.

>When your done you search the bed for more traps.

>Finding non, you lie down and fall asleep after a good 30 or 40 minutes of fuming at nobody in particular.

>>220510

>>220545

>>224021

Holy fuck it's literally been two months you autists.

Fuck fine I'll get my lazy ass back to work.

tommorrow

probably

>>211861

>the smirking, blue-haired stallion holds the door open for you

>you tentatively step toward the yellow pegasus guard

>you pause before the doorway, hoping he stops holding the door

>he doesn't

>so you step through

>and you pause again, allowing the flashy sentry to close the door and get in front of you

>"All right now, buddy, it's right this way, just follow me."

>you follow in silence

>he keeps glancing back at you

>"You all right, buddy? You look a little confused."

>FUCK

>RIGHT OFF

>YOU CUNT

"U-uh… I'm fine."

>"Okay then, bud."

>you continue on a little further, hoping desperately that he doesn't speak to you again

>"So I heard you tried to kill yourself."

>the audacity of this nigger

"W-well, a little bit, yeah."

>"What do you mean 'a little bit'?"

"Well, uh, in a manner of speaking-"

>"Did you get the rope? Try your hoof at the ol' hangin' tango?"

"Y-y-yes…"

>"Ah, man, that's rough. I know guys that've been there."

>"I knew one guy who did himself in. PSTD, you know. Battle of Canterlot"

>"Poor guy saw twelve of his battle buddies ripped limb from limb and had to put down eleven more who couldn't be saved."

>"Never quite got over it."

>"So why'd you do it?"

>because you were sad because you didn't have any friends

>because tfw no gf

>because of a change in scenery

>fuck that all sounds pathetic compared to what you just heard

>the fuck are you supposed to say?

>you stay silent for a bit, hoping he'll just dismiss it as the very private thing that it is

>he doesn't

"N-no reason."

>"No reason?! Well, all right then. We're at your room."

>he gestures at a solid crystal door

"Thanks."

>"No problem, buddy."

>you try the door

>damn it's heavy

>you begin tugging harder

>"Want me to get that for you, buddy?"

>fuck why hasn't he gone away?

"No it's f-"

>your fingers slip on the smooth crystal handle

>your ass busts on the hard crystal floor

>"Aw damn, wipeout. Lemme help you up there, buddy."

>your spaghetti spills onto the clean crystal finish

next part tomorrow probably

>>224357

Hi anon, thanks-for-getting-back-to-the-story-and-sorry-for-kinda-sorta-trying-to-steal-it-from-you.

No hard feeling right?

All right Anons I have a plan for the rest of the story but somehow I don't know what my next post should be about. I need a prompt.

Dubs decides how Anon feels when he wakes up.

>>225234

Itchy, like someone smeared his bed with poison ivy.

>>224357

>you wake up in intense agony

>it's as if the entirety of your skin decided to peel off and become dandruff at once

>you spend a good ten minutes doing nothing but frantically scratching yourself

>"Anoooooooon!"

>Twilight calls you

>you're still itching like a nigger in a job center

>but there's nothing for it but to suck it the fuck up

>holy fuck why is this happening to you?

>you walk down the crystal staircase like a retard, making sure you rub against yourself as much as possible

>so when you enter the dining room everyone stares at you

>you don't like Sombra's smirk

>or Twilight's concern

>"Uh… Anon?"

>you grunt in response

>"You look a little red… redder than usual…"

"D-do I?"

>"M-hm. Isn't that uncomfortable?"

"W-well, it itches a little bit."

>"Itches?"

>Sombra sees his way into your A B conversation

>"Maybe it's scabies!"

>Cadance smacks the back of his head

>Twilight's eyes widen

"Shut the fuck up."

>Twilight's eyes widen even more

>"Anon! I haven't heard you use foul language before!"

>you're pretty sure she has

>her horn purples a patch of your skin

>and the purple ball travels over to Twilight's eye, carrying something you can't see

>"Hmm… Sarcoptes scabiei… It is scabies!"

>a crystal servant drops a platter from her mouth

>"Groooooss!"

>she runs out of the dining room

>Twilight glares at you

>"Anon! Don't you bathe yourself?"

"Of course!"

>"Really? When's the last time you did?"

>you realize that it's been longer than you thought

"W-well…"

>Shining Armor laughs

>"ANON!"

"W-well this has never happened before!"

>wrong answer kid

>Twilight's eyes look kinda red when you squint

>you're grabbed by the great field of purple

>"Well it's not gonna happen again! Cadance, where's the bathing chamber?"

>Cadance is apparently suppressing laughter

>"U-upstairs and two doors to the left."

>as Twilight drags you from breakfast, you see Sombra smirk and scratch his chin at you

>a puff of scabies, visible from ten feet away appears off the edge of his hoof

>you understand now

>you've been pitted against a force, ancient, powerful, autistic, and above all:

>smug

>>226336

Glad to see more green.