>one positive thing, $ starts getting better, I'm not going out with friends, and S and myself have basically stopped eating.
>she starts to get all motivated, out of nowhere starts working out. D probably said he'd date her if she wasn't so fat or something.
>I realize this is better for everyone, I have to leave,
>I'm at work January 27th when I get a call from S, she's out by the lake and going to jump in. basically suicide, says goodbye.
>I bolt out of the office and run over while she's on the phone.
>dark as fuck, where the hell am I? It's cold and icy.
>I never actually get to to lake, but I'm able to get her to go to my room
>she apologizes and says that D wants nothing to do with the drama, and it's just us.
>I….I won… by dating a girl who's so messed up that the cheater cant deal with our shit.
>things get grey for a while, that's the best way to put it
> we don't have a relationship, this isn't a victory.
>all the while S is getting worse about her weight and more anal with me.
>I try to build up some resolve, I know this has to end.
>my life is partnered isolation now. I dream and daydream about dark souls, I lose myself in thoughts of roaming lordran for eternity, dying and coming back.
>these fantasies don't get better, but mid March she ends it, once she starts complaining that I got her a shitty b-day present, some game I don't remember.
>now it's my room, dark souls, and the draining feeling i have when I have to deal with people.
>S continues to work out and turn her life around, losing weight and hanging out with her friends.
>I continue to live more and more in lordran.
> at this point I will sometimes hallucinate soapstone messages and summons, which cause me to space out and again get lost.
>S starts facebooking how amazing her life is
>what the fuck do I do to people, this has happened before
>I've never felt good about my fetish for sure, but this is just a monstrous, inhuman feeling
>i'm at once glad she's rid of me, and furious at her too.
>I start to get pretty self abusive. I don't remember the specific nature of the progression, but march into april began what was cathartic starvation
>I'd eat before i slept, wake up hungry, and enjoy the hunger pangs throughout the day
>it made me feel happy that I wasn't getting any fatter, and I felt like I deserved the pain anyway
>it's around this time I meet M, a chad guy who was my roommate this entire time.
>M has a smash party in the living room, I get roped into playing a match.
>I am absolutely disgusting at smash from my tournament days in highschool, I pulverize everyone
>"wow anon you're a beast, you gotta teach me how to play"
>M and his bro actually turn out to be really amazing guys
> we hang out most weekends, which is to say I stay in the living room instead of my room, and he talks to me and we play brawl
>one night he invites me to come to a fire
>drugs and booze all around, but I'm a complete shut in and still think that they damage your mental capacity
>we go to more and more fires, they turn out to be actually quite boring.
>If you ever wanted to know how college chads have fun, they set things on fire and talk about sports/being drunk/wanting to be more drunk/and banging
>i had no idea it could actually be so stereotypical
>my hallucinations haven't stopped, but now instead of just dark souls stuff I'm seeing some scary shit.
>mouths appear on my face when I look in mirrors, I see people staring at me far off in the distance, I feel hands grab me all across my body when I'm trying to sleep, or when I get distracted.
>paranoia starts to set in, I start having a hard time walking around at night
>I start to have a hard time being alone in general, always checking behind me and standing in the corners of my room