Going on a rant.
Last fall some girl in my classes (university) slowly began to act in a manner as if she liked me and I began to like her too. Among the things she did include constantly touching me and rubbing against me, playful teasing, even though she never spoke to me in the few years before and she wasn’t nearly like this with anyone else nor had I ever had a girl do something like this to me. I asked a few of my real life friends (who didn’t know her) and they agreed that there was something there, I asked /r9k/ and they agreed too. Anyway I asked her out on a pseudo-date and it turned out the bitch had a boyfriend and felt nothing for me, why she agreed to meet me is anyone’s guess. And that leads to why I’m so pissed off.
I can’t shake the feeling that she’s holding back something. This happened in December, she was away during winter session in January and we’ve been back for about a month now and I haven’t spoken to her since. She barely ever talks to the guy anymore who I found out was her boyfriend and I get the feeling that they might have broken up, although they weren’t that close before to the point that I couldn’t tell that they were dating. She seemed genuinely hurt while rejecting me which is something succubi almost never do and I can’t shake the feeling that if they broke up, I must have had something to do with it, there’s no way that would be a coincidence.
But I want it to end already. She broke my heart like no one ever has before and I don’t want to forgive her for that, but I’ve never had a girlfriend before so naturally a part of me wants it. It’s just too much to take, and I keep going back and forth, day after day, several times a day, even in this very post. This manifests in part of my behavior, I try to leave lectures not too early that she’s far behind but if she gets too close I go into “fuck I gotta get the hell out of here” mode. God forbid she somehow makes it just ahead of me, then I have to awkwardly keep my distance behind and not say anything. All the time she does shit to fuck with me too, like turning around to talk to people while facing me, forcing me to look down because I can’t bear directly looking at her anymore, or walking into my lab section that she wasn’t in, looking at me for a few seconds, and then leaving. Before she had an excuse that she didn’t know I liked her, but now she knows and she’s doing this shit on purpose.
It doesn’t help that the group of normies that I latched on to just so I’m not alone twiddling my thumbs all the time are a bunch of Chad’s that while I get along with, it’s obvious that I don’t fit in at all. And I feel like all of the time I see couples walking around including a few friends and I am reminded that I’ll never have that and none of them will ever understand that.
Obviously I can’t do anything about these feels permanently, and the last thing I want to do is find someone else. I know that it’s just going to play out the same way again. Are there any oldfags around that have managed to keep these feels under control? At this point I want to get rid of all sexual desire and become a priest or something, but I know that I can’t keep going with the way things are any longer.
Share similar feels I guess, I don't want to make this a blog post just about me.