/r9trip/ - The Complete Robot

wish I had some gin
holy shit, those are some major cuts. I've tried cutting myself at various points in my life, but the thought of putting anything sharp to my skin is abhorrent to me. now, when I'm really fucked up by emotions, I throw/smash shit or bash my head against the wall (rarely do that though, throwing shit is far more common)

>>681
(my landlady's kitchen that is)

38 staples and a few stitches. i'm taking a break until thursday, staying with family.
i get to take my dressings off then, so might get a snap of the staples.

Any blood pics?
If not, estimation of how much lost?

>>701
Honestly, I couldn't tell you. I was drunk as fuck by that point, and it wasn't as if the nurses were holding a jug under me.

I remember steadily dripping on the kitchen floor. It wasn't gushing, but it was dripping at a fair pace. Blood got smeared over my gin bottle.
My landlady got me a towel to bleed into, which thoroughly wrecked it.
I was bleeding for a lot of time in the hospital as they stapled me up. I got blood on the floor there too, a couple of smears on the wall, and absolutely loads over the bed/trolley thing (whatever you call them) that I was lying in.

I should be able to get a photo of my now undressed wounds tomorrow. Sunday at the absolute latest.

>>718
What did you use to make these? They seem kind of like box knife wounds.
I think I'd fidget more with staples than I would with stitches.

>>721
sterile disposable scalpels.
because i was drunk, some of the cuts slipped onto my hands. i had a couple of those cuts on my left hand stitched.
the stitches are a fucking pain, moreso than the staples. 3 of the stitches have already come out.

>>723
I stitched my own toe shut after splitting it with an axe as a kid, only really started itching when enough skin grew back to hold everything together.

Since I'm practically using this as a diary already, I may as well.
The last week's been… different. A lot of positive stuff should come of it, this is a turning point, but I can't say it's been easy.
I'm kind of relieved that family know, that college know and that I have more people on board.
But my dad's gone full-on gestapo-mode on me. He wants me to manage every second of my time and put it all on a google calendar for him to keep tabs on me. He's completely fucking mental, he doesn't realise I can't just be shoehorned into a new routine overnight.
My landlady's laid down the law too, but that's perfectly reasonable. I live under her roof, she has her grandkids visit on weekends and it'd be all to easy for her to find another tenant if she kicked me out, but she's being really understanding and knows that wouldn't help me at all to put me out, especially since I'd have nowhere to go except my dad's which would be a nightmare.
One demand she's made is to screen every package addressed to me that arrives. After all, I had ordered my scalpels online.
Kinda scuppers my plan to grow cubes though, haha. That was already a bit dodge though, I need my own place before I start doing that.
As for alcohol, sod's law, that this week of all, after having not seen it for months, maybe even over a year, I spotted my favourite Port (Taylor's Select Reserve) on sale again. I've had to stick to bloody First Estate Reserve which is alright but not quite the same.
It's scary, all of a sudden the draw of seeing a bottle of my favourite beers, (hard) ciders, port or even spirits has become too great. I dare not drink any alcohol now because the feeling of euphoria I had on Monday when I got drunk and cut was addictive. I've got drunk before, I've cut before, but doing both together was new, and I don't feel I can moderate my alcohol intake. The temptation to enter a cycle of self destruction is too great. So I'm going tee-total, at least for the meantime.

I'm getting my staples out tomorrow.
Gym induction and picking up my membership card on Tuesday.

So… the history.
Social struggles and getting completely mindfucked by a girl at school (oh yeah, and the subsequent heavy drinking) kick-started my depression back in September 2008.
It was becoming apparent to me that I was failing half my classes, I didn't see how I could enjoy life anymore, I didn't know what I'd do with myself after leaving school so I got the hair-brained idea to try and get into the army.
2009 came along, I got into the most disciplined, regular exercise routine I'd ever been on. I bought an old 2nd-hand multi-gym from this old bloke at the fishing tackle shop who couldn't use it anymore because elbow surgery or some shit. It was pretty fucking basic. The grips on the handles were coming off, it had limited adjustability and the cables needed switching over in between every exercise, but hell, I stuck with it. I got into running and I saw significant improvements in my cardio ability.
I've never been ripped, I've never got a solid 6-pack, but that's the closest I've ever been to lean and ripped.
Exams came along, I failed half of them as expected, although I bossed maths and the sciences and did alright in ICT. I knew I was leaving that school for good that summer, and I couldn't have been more glad. Fuck the time I spent there. I hated it, it's behind me.
Over summer I waited to hear back RE my army application. The recruitment officer had got me to put down for junior enrolment and go through Harrogate even though I was sure I had missed the deadline for it by a mile.
Sure enough, I wasn't worth the inconvenience and my application was rejected on some bullshit medical grounds because my doctor had fucked up the forms he was supposed to fill in. I could have contested it, but I felt I still needed time to get in good shape, so I dropped it.
Last minute I got into another school that was willing to put me through maths and science A levels and an English GCSE resit despite my shitty grades.
From an education POV, they were a lot better.
I turned 17 and 2 things happened. My exercise tailed off. My gran had to move house, and her library of books were boxed up and stored in our garage. I couldn't use the multi gym anymore.
My metabolism changed though, and despite not exercising, I saw some pretty significant structural change and muscle gain.
But the new school had a shitty lunch rota. I was on the 2nd sitting and there was no food left, so we'd head out into town. the grocery was too fucking expensive, so we'd buy junk from the newsagents and chippies.
I began piling on the pounds.

Fast forward to April 2012. I had moved up to live with my dad's and had been working for his company. I was making good money, and the idea of setting up another home gym was tempting. Not least because
STATS TIME
Height: 192cm
Weight: 94kg
That put my BMI on the borderline of overweight.
My dad had introduced me to proper ale in 2011 so in spite of eating healthier, I was maintaining a beer gut.

Oh yeah, it's worth mentioning that in the same period of time (from September 2008) I've had nasty digestive issues, feeling sluggish, bloated, having inconsistent shits and seriously nasty wind.

So around the same time that I set up a home gym in my dad's garage and started running again, I quit dairy in the hope that it was dairy causing the problems.
It became clear that it wasn't. But I lived off dairy, especially cheese, I'd habitually snack on the stuff. The drop in caloric intake along with the rigorous regular exercise saw me go from 94kg to 78kg in 3 months.

I have maintained that weight constantly, despite the fact that in summer 2012, my dad wanted the garage clear so it was ready for the cars to be parked in during winter and ready for a bit of refurbishment, so he forced me to sell my damn equipment on gumtree, and once again my exercise tailed off.

I have a problem with food. I overthink what I need to be eating. I know to sustain a healthy lifestyle with exercise, to actually gain muscle instead of atrophying, I need to eat lots, but I also need to eat well for general health and my gut.
But good food is so expensive, and so not knowing what to eat, I just don't. It's too much to think about, so I just lose my appetite, and I lose any energy to do anything.
So despite not being anywhere near obese now, and at least having the beginnings of tone even if I'm nowhere near my 16 year old self, I'm constantly tired and it doesn't take much to put me out of breath.

>>743
I sympathize with your situation, but at the risk of sounding inconsiderate, since you're on the subject of school career and how your's went sour:
[spoiler]
While we don't do GCSEs and A-Levels in Scotland, I had pretty mediocre Standard Grades (all my subjects were equivalent to your Bs except for English and Mathematics, where I got As; that's 2 and 1 in our system respectively) but by the time I was submitted for Higher (your A-Level) courses and enrolled for the next year, I dropped out half way during that year due to a spiralling descent into psychotic depression.
I think my last grades, per the preliminary exams, for my Highers before dropping out, was a C for English, A for Biology, and D for Mathematics; I had dropped Computing and Chemistry well ahead of time.
I absolutely deplore all forms of mathematics which require overly transformative thought. I'm a very derivative rote-thinker. You might not think it due to the nature of my ramblings, which seem rather abstruse; I find it easier to transcend the boundaries of derivation with language than I do symbolic abstract subjects, which require me to follow things inflexibly logically.
That might embarassingly enough be an indicator of borderline-neurofemininity. Discrete logic > sustained logic and all that.
The only science I liked at school was biology, which shows in my talk of hormones, neurochemicals and neuroendocrinological receptor systems as well as their interaction with the greater physiological homeostasis. I was something of a savant in it, despite being anywhere between mediocre to idiotic in other subjects.
Even so, it is for me only a hobby now. Being inveterately pseudointellectual has led me to read and idealize far above the authority of my station these biological ideas, as well as connecting it with my greater metapolitical outlook.
I took a deep interest in politics after dropping out of school, considering, 'if a dunce like Hitler made himself through politics, why can't I?' My first forays were into Marxism, but then I had encountered David Chac who, although not having a single unique thought of his own, gave me an impressive reading list on which to build upon. He was useful if only as a rather vacuous professerial talking head.
I had spent many years immersing myself in the school of imageboard debate, whence my Autphag persona was born. David had initially helped me for all of the first 2 months (I was so nervous it paralyzed my ability to think; got over that soon enough), with everything else carried solo by myself hitherto.
A battlefield of mutual trolling attrition between myself and Jason had eventually erupted into my guilt finally being exhausted enough to doxx myself, last year.
Despite the horrible, horrible treatment Jason has subjected me to, he was actually kind enough in private to advise that I study law, which is what I do today (it's a mixed ON/HNC course; units from both). He noted my strengths in argumentation. This seemed to have been the thing that most tore asunder his expectations of an autist's capability, at one point doubting that I had it.
Still, he refuses to acknowledge that he had inflicted upon me any trauma and proceeds to call me self-absorbed and spoilt behind my back.
Law might be what I do, but I spend nearly no time thinking about it; that's pretty easy to do, it's a boring, rote, laborious subject that only requires your ability to read convolutedly long texts and commit them directly to the hippocampus.
[/spoiler]

So now that this week's happened, and my mum's aware that not only for self-image but also for general health and the positive mental effects of exercise, she's just told me to stop worrying about the cost of food, stop over-analysing nutrition (which is stupid considering anything would be better than the maintenance diet I've been on for ages). she'll financially support me so I can buy better food and is paying for gym membership on direct debit for me.
I don't feel amazing about being so dependent on my mum, but I hope this will just be a leg-up until I find work again and get into a routine where I'm not constantly second-guessing myself.

My long term goal is to get back up to 94kg, but at 8% bodyfat with enough muscle for me not to be a lank.
What's stupid is that I'm so adverse to putting on weight now because I don't just want to get fat, so I've always tried exercising before increasing my caloric intake, which is stupid.

So since Friday, I've just gone nuts. I think I had a normal breakfast, fruit and fibre with coconut milk.
Lunch I had a footlong hearty italian, steak and chorizo sub with peppers and sweet onion sauce, and i got this big mixed fruit drink from one of those juice bars (they've finally got a decent item on the menu with no milk/yogurt).
Dinner I just got a chicken and chorizo ready meal thing from tesco, because fuck buying chicken from tesco anymore, my landlady can hook me up with some really nice bulk catering industry chicken. had that with pasta and a drop of mayo, and had a separate plate with a bag of sugarsnap peas, a red bell pepper, and 4 carrots.
oh yeah, and a whole packet of popcorn my mum had gotten me. and probably a couple of fruit bars.
Yesterday again, nothing out of the ordinary for breakfast and lunch, but I polished off seconds and stripped the carcass from our chicken roast, had the same veg on top of that (pepper, carrots, sugarsnap peas) despite also having sprouts, squash and peas with the roast. plenty of mash and gravy too.
everyone else went to bed and I got peckish. I ate through a third of a packet of cream crackers (fun fact, they don't have any cream in them), a third of a gluten free loaf of bread that my dad got for my stepmum but she didn't want, a banana, an apple… probably some other shit too, i just kept eating.

had some cereal with coconut milk, some of that gluten free bread toasted and with mayo and another bell pepper for breakfast.
did i have lunch? nahh not really, but my mum had also gotten me some almonds so i finished them off, as well as some more shit she'd got me (some funny german biscuits for example).
dinner was a pulled pork ready meal from tesco, couple of roast onions, probably… 200g of rice, a chopped and fried leek, a bell pepper, bag of sugarsnap peas, a peach, i still have to eat my carrots and i think i'll have some more of that gluten free bread.
took the landlady's dog for a walk and got a surprising amount of cardio out of it so will probably make that a more regular thing.
so yeah, carbs, fruit and veg are being sorted, definitely increasing calories, but need to increase the protein too (catering bulk chicken pls)

I don't think I can do such a massive bulk and simultaneously get ripped, i'll have to put the tone to one side while i dirty bulk and get muscle mass first. can't recomp, that takes some serious dedication and calorie counting that'd have me over-analysing shit again.

Here's to hoping my gym induction goes well, that i can get into a routine, and see at least the beginnings of results by the end of the year.

>>747
You're cute, any naked/dick pics?

>>745
What American retards don't get about being a secondary dropout in our system is that our final two years are actually harder than their first year of college. I've had arseholish comments from them saying I was a retard for dropping out in our equivalent to the 11th grade, except it#'s not equivalent.

>>745
lmao you tried to spoiler a ridiculous amount of text there.
so you're in Scotland too? Yeah, I had most of my schooling in England thanks to my mum dragging us south of the border. I've just resettled.
I only did AS (first year A levels) before dropping out. they required a lot of extended writing in the sciences.
I too really like certain aspects of Biology (primarily anything relating to genetics and working out from that point - ie, how does ones genome affect everything you've talked about), but the 2 tutors i had for it were complete dicks setting a shit tonne of assignments every single week. I dropped out swiftly. Ironically, the week I did we got our marks back from our last unit assessment - I got at least the second best, if not the best mark, in the class.
I was always a physics wanker in high school, it was silly how spergy i got over it. straight A*'s. the extended writing required at A level brought me down to a D though.
chemistry was fun too, i enjoyed both the theory (even when it got challenging), and the practical side (blowing shit up with bunsen burners ftw). practical physics, especially anything with electricity, was a fucking ass-ache. I had a really good chemistry teacher. while i was dropping out of biology, fearing the next week of school, i thought "ahh well, at least i have chemistry with mr whatever-he-was called".
came in for physics the next day, we had heard a lot of noise coming from the science offices.
teacher came in, red eyes, had obviously been crying. he was a mate of our chemistry teacher. he had died of one of those rare, undetectable heart conditions in his sleep. we got a different teacher, I got an E in chemistry.

i can sympathise with your disdain for maths, at least as far as how incredibly abstract and formal the Core maths unit was. holy shit, that was horrible. but I loved mechanics. so much fun, supplementary to physics too. anyway, because of the core unit, i came away with an E in that.

as for politics. yeah, my interest in that developed rapidly around my moving schools and being rejected from the army. I would have been a textbook utopian leftist if it weren't for… well, reality. haha.
i'm still very much economically leftist, but the only school of leftism i was ever comfortable with was more culturally conservative communitarianism.
in time, i've placed more and more emphasis on that conservative, nationalistic, fundamentalist, reactionary aspect. i'm also interested in ethics.
i feel the communitarian juxtaposition to the great man theory is a bit of an irrelevant chicken-and-egg game. society shapes the individual, the individual shapes society, does it really matter where the seed for original thought comes from if the end point is the same? maybe it does. i don't know how we'd transition from our current state of affairs.

one thing has remained constant throughout all of this. i have always defined myself as staunchly anti-liberal…. and i absolutely hate the guts out of ayn rand, although i guess i can thank her for one thing. in being so vocal and articulate about the "moral virtue of selfishness", it did draw my attention to this - it doesn't matter which way you slice the cake. at the end of the day, it's altruism vs selfishness which lies at the root of things. if people just became more selfless, we would transition into a golden age of society, swiftly out of our current spiritual dark-age. but how? it's probably the biggest pitfall of the communitarian argument, as the only feasible way i can see of it happening is for a superhuman, a demigod, someone of such profound strength and wisdom, someone who inspires awe in the population to the point where at a deep, subconscious level they finally stop chasing after self-gratification that leads to a hollow, meaningless life, and realise what would truly fulfill them.

anyway, that won't be me. i'm fucking about on a forestry HND that i'm actually dropping out of/deferring until i become scottish domiciled again.

>>748
>canada
you better not be who I think you are…

>>748
another reason for no naked pics just reminded me of one stat i forgot to give with my height-weight stats. waist.

when i was 94kg i was at least a 36" waist.
since dropping down, i'm a solid 32" waist.

however, since i stopped squats and hyperextensions in 2012, my backside has atrophied so not only is my waist 32", my hip measurement isn't much better either.

the arse is, IMO, a brilliant way of judging someone's attractiveness. not only do we already innately find the arse attractive for sexual reasons, but it's a good indicator of how healthy and dedicated to exercise a person is. a woman of healthy weight is still lumped with a lot of genetic predisposition when it comes to her breasts. a man can't change the size of his dick.
but the arse is something you can work on.
the best looking ones are usually on people who exercise regularly.

it makes sense. they're an important bunch of muscles when it comes to running, which would have been of importance when judging a potential mate back in the pre-neolithic days.

so yeah. no naked/dick pics in general, but especially none until i've got back in shape and have an arse that can hold my trousers up without a belt and without them slipping.

>>755
Post cock pics then?

>>753
Probably not. Was browsing /cow/ and noticed that you're qt, so browsed your board too and noticed another qt. Can you post some naked/dick pics too pls?

>>754
You're really good looking fwiw.

>>757
It's triptych or ducky.
Reported for breaking the first rule. Enjoy your ban, faggot.

>>758
Just an Legion Faggot, don't have a trip. S-sorry ;_;

>>759
Make one.

Sorry for jumping the gun. I'm touchy today.

>>760
I don't actually know how.

>>761
Affix # after your name followed by any password (no spaces after #), this is converted to a tripcode. You must use this same password to produce the corresponding tripcode.

>>762
Giving it a go.

>>764
Hnng. How hung are you? Do you have any more pics?
>tfw I'll never be able to play with it

>>765
7x5in. I do have some other pics, but not many

>>766
Post the rest? Pls?

>>756
no, and thanks a tonne for fucking up my thread. i didn't plan on seeing samson's knob

>>766
7x5 hard? how on earth does it look so large soft then? those are my measurements (granted it hasn't shrunk in the last few years) and yet it's a struggle to even get a semi that long without it going erect…
at least i have an intact foreskin HAH

>>782
>uncut
Pics plsplspls

>>788
shut up you persistent faggot, how many times do i have to tell you i'm not posting a dick pic?

>>782
it's hard in the pic, just can't support itself well

>>791
…well, i guess that's what happens when you jelq

damn, i've already failed to sustain an increased caloric intake. i've hardly eaten anything today.
why is eating so hard?

>>813
different for everyone. for me it's because of my allergies and stomach problems; even if I find something I can eat, I rarely have the appetite to eat much of it

Well, today isn't getting any better.
The membership I've applied for covers me for multiple gyms.
I've seen 2 of them in the past, both adequately fitted out, but both of them are 2 bus journeys away.
This one, which is only a 25 minute walk away, just so happens to be the shittest one of the lot.
It's tiny. There are literally no benches. The dumbbell selection is… 3 sets, none of them particularly heavy, you know, the kind intended for use by middle aged women to perform curls to supposedly get rid of their bingo wings while on a cardio machine.
Speaking of which, the vast majority of machines there are cardio machines. Cycling machines, cross trainers, and only one of my favourite cardio machine (rowing machine).
They have 2 machines for legs. One for hamstrings (admittedly useful), one for quads (are you serious? what's wrong with squats?).
They have 2 machines the instructor described as "arm" machines, a shoulder press, and (what she called opposite to that), a chest press.
For a start, they're not arm machines. One does delts, one does pecs. And they're not opposite either. Both are push exercises, so the only arm muscles you're hitting on both are triceps.
Absolutely nothing for back exercises.
Erector spinae are often neglected by gyms. Traditional freeweight gyms often still allow for the now controversial deadlift. I have yet to see a single gym that accommodates my absolute favourite, the hyperextension.
Nothing for lats and biceps. No pullup bars, no cable pulldowns.
Nothing for posterior delts and rhomboids (which I sorely need to exercise to match my chest and maintain balance).
And abs? Well, I guess you don't need anything for abs, but the great thing about adjustable benches is that it's so much easier to hit those muscles and get a good pump on a decline.

So yeah. Slightly pissed off.
I don't know what to do. I don't think I can get away with throwing a classic r9k hissy fit and demanding that my mum couriers my dumbbells and weight plates 500 miles, especially since most couriers set 25kg limit per package and charge through the nose.
I can't really afford to go and buy the same again locally, especially if I now need to find a compact enough collapsible bench to use in my digs.
I can't bear to wait until April to pick them up myself when I'm next down there.

Well, fuck, this one has me stumped. I don't understand why any gym wouldn't have a decent rack of dumbbells and a couple of benches at least. It would have fit in that place, even if it is a small place, and the range of exercises and muscle groups you can target far exceeds anything you can do with these fancy, expensive, 1-exercise-only machines.