/sad/ - Depressed

I am a loser:

"Losing" is defined here as "not winning". It is clearly the case that I have lost many things, I have failed auditions into symphony orchestras, in show choirs, in bands, in musicals. When I was in highschool, my dream was to become a Broadway singer. I was a good singer and a decent actor. Yet, I have never made it into a single musical despite auditioning for more than twenty of them. I have applied for hundreds of teaching positions and never been called back, much less hired at any of them. I believe "loser" is therefore applicable.

I am a failure.

Of all of the aspirations I had in life, none of them have come to fruition. I wanted to be a Broadway singer. No. I wanted to be in an opera. No. I wanted to be in an acappella group. No. I want to be a singer in a band. No. I want to be a teacher. No. I want to run a successful business. No. I want to work at a university. No. I want to be respected. No. I want to be able to stand on my own and say that I've done something with my life. No.

I am weak.

Age takes its toll on everyone, and thats why we have doctors. At least thats why people who have money go see doctors. I havent had anything done on me in 15 years. My back is herniated, my knee is in two pieces, my teeth are rotting out of my head, I am dizzy, I am much more frequently physically ill than I was 10 years ago, I am certainly in no shape for the army or the police. I have depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, and Aspbergers' syndrome. There is nothing that can be done, as I do not have the ability to acquire funds to fix these problems.

I am frail.

I have deteriorated to the point to which I crumple to a heap at the slightest setback in my plans. When my back flares up, I am bedridden. When I get another rejection letter, I lose all will to do anything except sleep. I dont have the strength to confront people that I believe are wrong. I will concede to anyone who pushes me hard enough. I am a doormat.

I am unintelligent.

I hear it all the time: "If you're so smart, why aren't you rich?" Assuming that premise is true, (which it must be, since there is a majority of people believing that wealth is correllated with intelligence, creating a strong inductive subjectivity. The connotative becomes denotative, and thus exists the trend) I do not possess any wealth, therefore I must be unintelligent. I have solved puzzles slower than many of my friends, and I have an inability to express ideas to others in any sort of meaningful manner. If I cannot think in an advanced manner than others, I must not be intelligent. If I cannot think in an advanced manner or similar to others, I must be unintelligent.

I am unloved.

I exist as an idea to the people around me. I give off rather a lot of them, depending on situations. I am a dream unfulfilled to my parents, I am an example to follow to my brother, I am a white knight to my ex, I am a part-time uncle to her child. I am an unfulfilled redemption to all others that know me. Should I die today, they may cry, but it is not me they will cry for, it is the idea that they have attached to me that they will mourn. I, the person, do not exist to any of these people. Only I, the idea, is cared for. My own wants and ambitions, my self, is uncared for. That can rot.

I am unappreciated.

Just today, I had a request that was shot down. Again. I work at my jobs to do everything i can to better the work environment for myself and others. I go above and beyond, working after hours to make sure everything is done. I recieve nothing but criticism for my services. I do what i can to prove my honesty and loyalty, and get called a thief and liar. I try to teach the people around me on academia and life lessons, and I am told that I am full of shit, and that my help is not needed. My own brother will fly into a frenzy at the slightest assistance.

I am imperceptive.

I am known throughout all of my acquaintences as a person who loses things. I have no ability to keep track of my keys, my wallet, or my phone. I am hard of hearing, and I often ask people to repeat what they say. My mind wanders constantly, and I cannot keep track of my own conversations.

I am ugly.

Attractiveness is often correllated with confidence of which I have none. I am bald, I am hairy, I am old, and I am fat. I have been rated a 2 out of 10 on "HotorNot.com". I have been told that I would be less preferable to monkeys as a mate. I have been told on multiple occasions that I would still be barren if I were the last man alive.

I am cruel.

I have often been defined as a curmudgeon by people that I am acquainted with. I have also often been described as a "pretentious asshole" to many others. I do not get along well with many people, as I look at their faults often. I externalize my thoughts on others, despite how uninvited they may be. I often delight in devising insults that are so subtle that they go unnoticed. I fantasize about cutting down people to the point where they break down into tears. I am a horrible person.

I am everything that is wrong with the human race.

I am a leech.I take from others what is rightfully theirs. I am poor, I am a person with shattered dreams, and deep down, I want to see others' dreams shatter as well. I want to burn down the world and rebuild a place that is better for myself, like any good anarchist. I hate society and all of its doings, and i hate myself most of all. Should I have my way, the Earth would likely be covered with craters from all the destruction I would commit.

My hands are dirty enough.