OP here
Well my life is slowly going round the bend I feel I'm a little paranoid about everything.
I had the intention of becoming an animator and leading a more healthy lifestyle.
I know being an animator is tough in its own right and I was prepared for long hours and weeks of development however the issue arises where I just cannot get started. I have no money for Flash Professional in Adobes creative cloud and I have struggled to save up for a graphics tablet that doesn't want to work with the current open source animation software I have. That being Krita with the animation beta. Haven't found a solution for it so basically a waste of money now.
On top of that I cannot draw perfectly as well so I took drawing and art classes to improve my skill and I have seen no improvement. The other students excel in drawing amazing and outstanding pictures and I'm left with a crummy and crudely drawn face. I have been doing this for a year now.
For a healthy lifestyle I tried all sorts of diets that I could work with daily and tried a daily run as well as a few gym sessions. But due to the incapability to create anything in animation or draw a simple picture, my self esteem dropped and I began reverting to my old sluggish ways. It has been months seen I had properly cleaned my teeth and washed and I live off microwave meals all the while sitting in front of my computer.
I don't really have anyone to blame except for my lack of motivation to continue and poor confidence.
For paranoia, I began thinking that everything I come across is automatically poised against me. By that I mean I worry and over exaggerate over little things. If I can buy food from a market I usually think to myself whether or not the food I am buying is contaminated by something or whether I'm going trip in public and listen to everyone laugh at me.
That goes in hand with my general anxiety as well.
My life isn't in a terrible state at the moment but I honestly feel I am going to fail in everything I want to try and get good at or create something. Another example would be trying to create some small samples of my own music and ended up failing to even begin to understand how to work out and even try to use the software/hardware.
Compared to some others here I would count myself lucky as I am able to lead a lifestyle with luxuries. Good PC, games, a nice place to sleep and plenty to read (Fiction mostly)
I guess this stems from my aspiration to create something and put it out there in the world. I have tried all sorts of methods like animation, drawings, music. I even tried to get into modding, writing code to put something out there at least for others to use or see. I would spend a good time on these things to ensure I can properly understand how to create with but something all ways gets in my way that seems beyond my control.
Basically that is it. I apologise for the lack of proper grammar here too.