>not over their breakup
yup.
My last girlfriend was everything I ever wanted. She challenged me, but also supported me. And I did the same to her. I met her when I lived in a sublet, we were both the odd ones out who didn't know anyone. But we clicked. Everyday I'd get home before her from work, sit on the couch and program. When she'd come home, normally a bit sweaty and suited up in her running gear. I'd look up, smile, and say: Welcome Home and she'd smile and ask me how my day was.
God I wish I could say Welcome home to her again holy shit I'm crying, damnit OP
In our last week of living together I took the plunge, kissing her in the kitchen and making love with her all night, and the rest of the week. Every night we drank our fill of each other for hours, laughing and making jokes during sex, taking nacho breaks inbetween sessions before diving back into each other.
At the end of the week she moved back to CA to goto school. But we kept in touch. I wrote her letters. Physical letters anon. We discussed tons of things, I poured myself onto the page. She used to never text at all, but she texted me everyday. We wrote small stories to each other, making them up to entertain each other. When christmas came she visited me and we had hot chocolate and shared each other's warmth. When new years came, she surprised me by taking a 9 hour bus ride just to visit me. When her spring vacation came I took a week off from work and flew to CA to spend time with her. For a week we made love, explored up and down the coast, and held each other each night.
Last summer she lived with me. We spent each day together. Waking up next to her I would roll over, her hushed breath murmoring good morning to me as she turned to face me. Our lips would meet and every morning I would tell her that I loved her. We never said I love you too like it was some automatic response. Everytime we said it, we looked straight into each others eyes and said I love you and meant it. Everyday was worth living because I had her to come home to, to talk to, to eat dinner out on the porch with and smile.
I loved her more than life itself.
Then the summer ended. Then she moved to Edinburough for a semester abroad. And our agreement ended. When we first started dating we had agreed that she couldn't do distance. She simply can't. She cannot communicate well over the ether and simply focuses only on those near her. So we had agreed to break up when she went abroad. We cried many nights leading up to it. Holding each other, saying that we didn't want to leave each other. The day that her father came to pick her up, and I helped her pack her things. Her father left us alone as he played tetris with the bags and on the small leftover mattress we layed down one last time together.
Have you ever felt a woman's tears falling onto your face? Have you ever kissed someone and wanted to hold that moment forever? To never let go? I comforted her. It was what had to be done, I had to be my woman's man. So I told her it was alright. I let some of my tears fall, but I made sure not to lose control. I hardened myself and was her rock and shoulder to cry on. When she left, and I had finished watching that car slowly fade out of site, I went inside and i sat. completely numb inside.
We've stayed in touch. I still write her letters, and she's lived in 2 other countries since then. I've visited her. And when I was in Germany we kissed in the black forest. My heart was on fire. The other weekend I visited her in portland and slept in her bed. Cuddling and holding her all night and well into the morning. But we're no longer dating.
She was perfect for me. In every way. But the distance is something she can't do. And I would never force her to love me again. She's moved on. Told me that since she's dated me (9 months ago was when we broke up) she's been the most emotional stable she's ever been. In some ways, I'm happy for her. Happy that I did what I could to make sure she wasn't dragged down by me as I fell farther and farther into depression. Happy that I kept up my bold face and continued writing her letters, mixing in the good and not letting her down. Happy that I can still see her.
But I'm broken anon. I am so broken inside. I can't love anymore. I've tried. I go on dating websites. I go out on dates. I talk to other girls. It doesn't do anything for me. Even when I meet someone nice, it just doesn't click and nothing happens. I had the opportunity to have amazing sex with a friend, but turned it down because I simply do not want anyone but her. I know the change in tone of voice OP. I know that feel. I know it too well. The one that says friend and not lover. And you hold on each time you hear it, hoping to hear that one slight inflection, that one note of affection.
But it doesn't come OP.
It doesn't come.