/sad/ - Depressed

everything i try to do leads to failure

i should probably see a therapist but that will just end with me ranting about how my problems range from myself to the world at large, and how everything just makes me depressed or angry because it's either a result of my own failures or a result of the collective failures of the rest of humanity to do something constructive, and i've already seen six different therapists who either just listen and nod and tell me to come back next week or give me some bullshit prescription for yet-another SSRI that will do nothing but make me feel even less than i already do

anything i'm even decent at, someone else is already doing and doing it better than i can

every space for a social/industrial role i've ever seen in my life is already filled by someone else who, again, does it better than i can and seems to do it with far less effort than i'd need to expend

every friendship i've ever had has ended either with the other person dropping me because i'm too fucking autistic and self-critical to cooperate in a constructive way that isn't just straight up consumer consumption, or with me dropping them because the relationship has dragged on forever with nothing fun happening and tons of downtime and a mutual understanding of my failures and depression which leads directly and solely to the conclusion that they pity me and fear my eventual suicide if they're the one to drop me first

i've been on a bunch of SSRIs but they all make me feel like a robot, and ever since the first one gave me inorgasmia i've had permanent superorgasmia or whatever where i can't last more than 30 seconds

on top of that i've wanted to die since i was 4 because i want to be a girl, but because of my constant failure i've been afraid of taking the dive into full transness, and these delays have progressively obliterated my chances of success in the only thing that stands a chance of making me happy

i'm a huge fucking NEET and all the skills i used to have are neglected to the point of complete atrophy, and the music and visuals that used to occupy my imagination have been replaced with static noise

the only thing on the planet that makes me feel like not wanting to die is cannabis, but that doesn't get me anywhere because once i feel even the slightest bit of contentness with myself i just want to sleep and not do anything productive because it's the easiest way out of immediate failure, although it's not like anything productive i ever do is of any meaningful quality whether i'm high or not

the only thing that keeps me living is my cats who only love me because i give them food and are fucking autistic and don't understand how to play with toys despite me trying to play with them every fucking day since they were 8 weeks old and are afraid of affection despite me being nothing but nice to them since the day i knew them, and tangentially the possibility of getting high in the future so i can have a temporary reprieve from wanting to die every single second of my entire existence

i cannot focus on anything because of suicidal ideation, it's already too late to transition successfully, i have no skills because i could never focus, i have no job connections because i have no friends because i have inverse confidence because i've never known anything but failure and rejection, i've dropped out of every single postsecondary program i've ever enrolled in, and i only have enough money to subsist for another six months

this is pretty much the end because the next six months are going to be even more empty and unconstructive than the last 312 months of my life and i don't know what to do because anything i do will almost certainly fail and leave me with even less money than before and an even greater reason to end my life immediately