I just want to quit. I see everyone leaving me. Slowly I see them change. Conversations cut shot, making no effort to talk to me, only using me because I have the ability to give advice even though I can't advise myself to stop being depressed or to atleast control it. I am addicted to self harm. It's like I give myself a reason to cut myself. I just can't stop. I have a lot of built up anger and i'm pretty much classed as insane by this point. I feel everyone has a reason to die and if I was given the opportunity i'd probably kill someone. I have a few people in mind. I have a family but I can't trust them and I feel shitty because some people have less than I do and i'm not talking about the whole African bullshit where they don't go without water cause it's not just people in Africa who go without as you can see by actually reading this site.
I've wanted to die for years. I only ever started self harming 2-3 years ago. I have been depressed for a while but I never knew it I felt the sadness I did but I didn't understand it. I can't sustain a relationship for more than 2 months. I feel bad for saying that too because some of you haven't even had a girl but this shit hurts so much.
I have 3 friends left. 3 true friends. 1 lives close but we don't talk or see eachother much. The other 2 live in Arizona. Considering i'm in Britain I have no chance of seeing them anytime soon. I have an Ex who claims to still love me but she's stopped giving a shit about me which is what happens when you become friends with your ex. They ALWAYS stop giving a shit. I'm quite attractive and know my way around a woman to get her to like me but it never lasts.
I want to move to America for the soul reason I want to be shot to death. I want to break into someone's house, threaten their kid and be shot by their father or some shit like that.
I'm too much of a pussy to kill myself and I know jumping and tablets aren't always effective. Hanging with that too. I was thinking of ordering something to quickly poison myself with but my dad is always home and I would never get it passed him and it's not like i'm going to mail it too a friends house even if I do actually get it delivered.
I thought that life would be interesting. I thought everything would get better as they say it will. Even when I had a girl suicide was always on my mind. I've tried so much to help myself get better but it never works. I wanted to be a Therapist. I see now though that the whole worlds fucked. I know all the shit a Therapist does I know how to fix myself but I can't. No matter how hard I try I can't. People love me I know that but it's impossible for me to live like this. I can't live for other people especially when I can't even live for myself.
I'm a lost cause I do not belong here. My life is probably a life people envy. I'm intelligent. Not motivated but intelligent which is why i'm only using fullstops and capital letters here because I am so unmotivated to do anything.
I know i'm going to end up alone no matter what happens. I will never get the girl I want. I will never find true love and be happy. I will never get the job I want and I will never be able to help anyone when I can't help myself. I am truly better off dead. I know it's going to be tough on the people who do care about me when I die but when i've been shot and i'm slowly bleeding out I will be smiling. I will have no regrets apart from not dying sooner. I'm only a teenager is what i'm usually told and that I have a lot to live for but what kind of teenager no what kind of person is going to have a happy life when all they can think about is ending it? How can anyone be happy when they just want to die.
I'm a cheat and a liar. I've threatened someone with a knife before in my street because I just snapped. I have bullied people I have ignored people who needed me and I have failed in saving peoples lives. A man is dead because I couldn't save him. Some people are too far gone I guess. I've wasted my whole life playing video games and that's all people see out of me. I sit indoors and play video games. I am a waste of resources. I wish I could die. I really wish I could die. I've just been used and i'm a backdrop for the lonely and because I am lonely myself I accept it. I wanted a nice girl and a few kids. I wanted a life. I wanted to be happy but I see that is never going to happen.
I've made my decision. I want to die. Now it's just a clock ticking to the end. I think the last thought I will have will be about my ex. She's a nice girl. She hurt me so much but she's a nice girl. The stupid thing about it is she probably wont even find out i'm dead. Not until after a long while and when she does then I doubt highly it will upset her. The one thing I wish though the only thing I wish is for her to care more. But I know that wish wont ever come true.