/sad/ - Depressed

Not expecting replies, don't tell me to go to therapy because it's never worked before and it wouldn't work now, either.

I don't know what the point is in trying anymore. I failed exams this week, despite putting in 40 hour weeks studying for my classes. I don't know if I fucking panicked, or if I'm really so fucking retarded that I failed despite working harder than anyone else in the class.
And I'm not saying that to make myself look like a fucking victim, I have two piles of notes for every class. Despite that, I'm still doing like shit. Go me. My IQ is fucking abysmal and shit, so it's the cards I've been dealt, but I'm still pissed at myself.

All the GamerGate and other drama is making me snap. SJW are making me want to fucking kill myself because of the way they just are. You can't go into any community without them shitting up the place and ruining everything.

I draw but I'm not creative. At all. I've considered just drawing random requests on 8chan but then I'm too fucking socially anxious to post the shit because my drawings aren't fucking terrible, but they're not perfect and I don't want to let people down. Also, I'm slow as fucking shit at drawing. A half body (torso-only) takes me like 7 fucking hours.

I need a job but have no time for it.
My social life is shit.
No one will just let me tell them I'm a fucking idiot without them knee-jerk reacting like I told them I want to fucking kill myself. It's not a secret I'm dumb as fuck. I just want to tell people how the fuck I genuinely feel without them trying to reassure me away from the truth.
My boyfriend seems to think it's fucking funny to go offline for days at a time without contacting me, despite the fact he knows I'm dying inside due to stress. Usually, I'm fine with us not chatting at all for days. Right now, I'm not.
When I spend time off studies, I feel so fucking guilty I'm not studying, that I either waste fucking time on anon image boards, or I go back to it. I haven't had a break in over a month, between this and gamergate.
My teacher found out today that I'm not the bright student he thought I was and that the flawless 100% marks I've been getting all semester have been a facade. I cried the whole 30 minute drive home.

I'm 21 fucking years old and I still don't know who the fuck I am. I constantly ask people what the fuck my personality is and no one has a compartmentalised answer for me, so I feel fucked up all the time. I just want someone to fucking lay it down and tell me 'there, that's what you are, now be it'. It's fucking stupid but I want someone to just tell me what's acceptable of me, what is expected of me and to basically program me to fucking do it. I want someone to just tell me 'here, these are the clothes I think are cute on you, wear those. Here, these are the thoughts that represent you best. Here, this is the best you fucking have to offer, so do it, not whatever the fuck you're doing here'. But no one is willing to do so.

I'm pretty sure I'm relapsing into anorexia again. I don't even care about being thinner. The problem is not being adequate. I try hard and I fail and like every other time I relapsed, it has always been because I don't feel like I can manage myself unless I can control myself under the worst conditions. If I'm not perfect to everyone and myself, then eating sure as fuck won't help that.

I don't feel like I deserve to even be here or be depressed because the reason I don't have friends is because I don't fucking want any, I have a boyfriend, my job opportunities are great and I still have some sliver of family left. I'm not a real minority and everyone coddles the minority I'm part of. I could be making double minimum wage here if I put myself out there. I'll be beginning the trek of pestering people soon for a job. My mom's depressed as fuck but she doesn't completely hate me. I can still function and despite having crippling anxiety for the past decade, I don't really mind it as long as I can lock that shit away for when it's important. I have no fucking right to be depressed and I know it.

Therapy doesn't work because I put on a huge fucking mental block and actually come off as a normal, relatively cheerful human being. Don't suggest it. Can't smoke weed because it makes me self-harm. I'm just fucked.