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/say/ - Sayaka

The Study of Sayachology


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I met someone just like me today, I could tell by the way they had talked to people. So I went to find them and they were just like a clone. I could predict everything they would say but that didn't help me stop what I knew would happen in the end. I wish I could tell them what I wanted, but I couldn't. How can I approach someone so prickly. Maybe I should have done what would have gotten my attention and just started stepping all over him. People like myself don't get along with each other, I think most people don't get along with their exact counterparts though I think everyone is the same anyways, all the normals and losers can be with their large groupings.

It has left me with an empty feeling, not being able to be with someone rare like that. I can't stand people, annoying liars boring as fuck. everyone else is the same person just done over again.


last time I had friends, in middle school and the last thing I let them do was basically let them steal my D&D books and they always ignored me in the hall and it was an odd group so I was the one left without a partner still I was never their friend I was just some fucking pussy piece of shit I fucking hate myself, and I fucking hate kyle, if he didn't fuck with me so much I probably would have stayed in highschool he's the reason everything started falling apart and then after all that a year later I saw him and his friends when I was walking out of the public library for internet and he just fucking smiles at me I want to kill him, he thinks he's won something you'll be dead you're going to hell. you'll burn forever in pain.


I was on discord doing some stuff trying to have fun with people and of course no one is fun everyone is just some normalfag brick that doesn't want to do anything, and someone hurt my feelings waaah my sensitive baby fucking retarded feelings that I don't even need because I don't have a need for feelings when I hate everyone and have no one to talk to. and then he made me get panicked and I still have this panicked feeling and messed breathing, which is why I needed to start posting about it I like writing about these for myself.

reminds me of this my little pony fanfiction, man can't believe I'm making that kind of reference I don't even remember the title but I listened to this guy read it on youtube, it was actually really good, like a real author telling this dark story but unfortunately in the equestria universe, anyways the point is there was a character that wrote her life story down each day and she mentions she knows no one will read it, so I for some reason remember that.

but too when I go anywhere like I posted on s4s and even r9k for the first time in a few months and I just can't stand everyone there even s4s. and it's worked me up and sometimes I want to delete my youtube account because that's the only thing I can right now, I just want to destroy things I have, I don't do it in real life anymore thankfully. I used to lose a lot of things I liked by breaking them in anger. and I only get more reluctant overtime however is that really because I'm getting less destructive or because everytime I destroy something to rebuild I just make it better and want to destroy it again less the next time, it is that.


when I think about work I feel like I'm suffering from post traumatic stress, I just can't help but give even just a little "aahh" it's just horrible work was horrible. I can't believe I did it for that time, the people were horrible, workers and shoppers holy fuck


I really don't understand why the universe would create life if it supports it so little, it really doesn't support it at all, the universe is meant for empty space-ness. giving life to a fly for a few weeks seems pretty fucking bizarre, I hope to god they aren't given the thoughts necessary to pursue purpose and meaning. Seems odd and cruel for the universe to create things in itself just to fool them and harm them. The universe doesn't care, it's just one big question mark where nothing will ever make any sense, why anything is the way it is, it really has no sense or reasoning, the universe comes off like a script written by an 8 year old.


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it's just an annoying stressful pain that won't go away probably until I finally sleep. the fucking shakes and just feeling of dread, go away already, I'm not even worried about anything right now I don't feel alone or angry or anything, just go away


people take the internet way too seriously, actually they just take life too seriously, they can't take any humour probably because I make them realise just how boring and dull they are and they think they can feel better by trying to hurt me they always do


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oh this is bad, I'm not doing anything and things are boiling and I'm just ignoring it. I think part of my dream this night was to do with my parents talking to me about not working but I don't remember exactly. I know it was something like that and I'm like a jedi that sees the future in dreams, not to say my mom hasn't already annoyed me with stupid shit, I am not doing anything wrong, it's impossible to "do wrong" in this world, I will not live forever by being "successful" or even anything close to it so then it won't have any meaning to me in the end, I am the happiest I could possibly be right now.

which isn't too good because I'm not happy anyways. I find people to be very irritating when they try to say everyone is the same and feels the same, it really goes to show just how normals assume everyone is like them, and if they were really bothered all the time it would actually show, no you're not the same you don't think the same in fact you don't think at all because you don't want to talk about it you just want to do stupid meaningless boring shit that you see everyone else doing so you can be part of your friend circle and not talk about anything taboo, believe me you're not even close, you're a fucking pig don't ever fucking think you're like me.


people want that bad though and I've said it many different ways before, they want to be accepted into the biggest and most elitist grouping they can, and don't think it has to do with something like individual identity, dont' think anonymous shit and reddit accounting is any different, yes on the surface and the way it operates is some times different, but it's the same idea, because on image boards want so badly an identity, not personal, just like everyone they want a group identity, so they can repeat what 4chan tells them to repeat and think the way they think from growing up on 4chan. It's a core that makes people so unentertaining because they are all the same because they want to be the same just like a person saying good morning to someone they live in the same house with, it's like an alien race trying to communicate "let me use the secret passcode to confirm we are of both the same breed, nenu nenu" I have yet to make a real list of normalfag confirm words and phrases because they're so fluid and I'm not them so I can't know everything, they themselves don't even realise what they are doing. they are so far gone they can't realise how fucking crazy and yet stale they act. A lot of it too is not even thinking about death, you actually think your life is important because you go to college and whatever so you don't need to think about death and therefore you don't realise you actually can be different, what people think doesn't matter, maybe they are just born that way though. I think everyone has it in them including me, that's why I still try so hard to be accepted and try to find people to communicate with and be with but I only do it out of thoughtless instinct like everyone else, I dont' want it at all so it just falls apart anyways.


my grandmother went to some operation yesterday for 5 hours or something, she didst' tell me, my father didn't tell me but my father did tell my older sister who told my mom and then told me, which I mention because then my mother like a fucking idiot as always kept trying to tell me to go see her before the operation. She didn't fucking tell me! no one but you told me so they don't know that I know and clearly dont' want me to know so why the fuck would I other than to make it feel like I think she's going to die, I would not fucking want people to come to me like that before going for something. My mother is just a retard and she knows too she just wants to be able to tell me to go, she wouldn't do anything of she was in my situation, yes normals are like that such hypocrites and fucking annoying.

So the reason is my grandmother might have cancer which means if it's true I guess I have the cancer genes. but I'll be dead long before cancer can get me, I'll just die of a heartattack the next time I need to run. being a sorry sack of shit that does nothing all day.

Next point if my grandmother does die soon that means a lot less things for me at birthdays and christmas, which would be a really bad thing and makes me realise how dependent I am on others, makes me realise I have no fucking clue how to do anything


I really like when it's windy, it means it's not seething heat killing me, just wind blowing everything in the room around


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oh right I watched parasyte in the last 3 days, it was a good anime and makes me want to watch other anime, but anime isn't usually good so that's a real problem. I'm also stopping katoura-san again, I got all the way to episode 9 since it first aired I just am not doing it, I wanted to finish it so I could add it to my downloaded anime because I liked that opening, but that's when the anime stops is 15 minutes in. it's insulting to everyone's intelligence. look we can make this unique story, but we're not going to, YA FUCKS, here's your generic garbage, we ain't even gonna do anything with the mind reading bit, oh she's reading dirty thoughts ecchi ecchi echhi, who cares you'll watch it anyways you pigs, bllaaaalalalalagh.

Well I will be fooled no longer with that.

there's of course a few other anime I need to finish and hopefully I will and I'll once again try to only watch anime that I will actually like but man is it all so bad, and don't think it's just anime, everything is bad certainly nothing is interesting, I don't even know what I do all day to stay entertained, that's why I fuck with people and actually want to have fun and talk whereas other people love the trash they are fed like all the dumb masses are so they just don't care about being interesting or doing anything but eating shit.


it's been almost a year since anime burnout. parasyte it's actually pretty creepy, there's some things that keep it from being a horror story but if it wanted to I think they did it right, lots of times anime fails at being really scary. I think Pet Shop and Higurashi are the only ones I can remember that actually scared me. but I thought parasyte was suppose to be bad, but then I guess I realised it's just an anime people say is too popular and is therefor normie and bad while they watch yuru yuri. I don't think I can sit through another slice of life highschool anime, which is one thing that fucked parastye even, I just can't stand the sight of a school itself.

lots of times it's just more distrubing and gross or gory. parasyte does a pretty good job in all fields, there's this overarching feeling that keeps it from being really good though, it's hard to say what it is, there's a feeling of disconnect I think because I don't like any of the characters or the settings, this is alien silent take over like the movie They Live or Invasion of the Body Snatchers, the aliens remind me of The Thing too

I don't want to go any further into it, that's part of what probably ruined anime for me. anime is so trashy and ridiculous it's usually not worth looking into it too much


now speaking of that kind of thing, somewhat maybe I should just go into 4chan since that's what I will end up saying, 4chan is like run by probably about 3 mods now, Hiro seems to have forgotten he even bought 4chan, in fact I don't think he thinks of anything and just sleeps all day. I was thinking certainly maintaining a site like that is hard when you grow up, the mods must not get paid very much so when they grow out of 4chan they need to be replaced, just like even moot himself. 4chan isn't mature, it's for edgy self-important young adults and teens. and I can talk and think about how things will go when finally we reach the point where everyone born before the year 2000 is dead, which will be the time when the internet can really be evaluated as everyone has definitely grown up with it at that point.


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wind is just kicking up the smell of rotten piss now. when I used to wet my bed it'd smell pretty bad I don't really remember but I think I would be embarrassed and try to hide it and usually sleep in it or on the other side whatever. but I think the smell was similar to this smell I get for just never washing the bed sheets. Also the first black beetles have appeared recently already. during the summer I get little black beetles that crawl on the bed and me until I wash the sheets and sterilise the room


summer is the worst all the spiders are coming out my room is just a greenhouse for them


no no no summer already I've had to go outside and helped with the house garden stuff, by lifting huge branches into the forest I'm so fucking tired and hot. I was feeling so nice earlier, then even more bugs showed up, I need to keep my vacuum cleaner just out at all times ready. but I don't get it it's hardly summer, this is going to be bad


I'm just going to start laying and sleeping I have no energy in this heat, this room even if I open the door it just is an oven, carpets have no good purpose.


went places people didn't like me, day's over, I'll probably watch youtube videos and get more images for avatarfagging with another girl


got a headache now, probably from temperature change again


really angry and upset now with memories, I'm going to have to find somewhere with people to let it out


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people are really weird I don't understand motivations at all, people act like inhuman robots. they don't touch any humanity they hide everything away from even themselves until they forget that they are even individuals. they become uninteresting stones incapable of independent thought, they just want to go along and do whatever unless boring crap until they die, they want so badly to be cows and pigs.


I went to /sw/. people defending the prequels unironically. it was a joke on /tv/ after the new movie came out that george lucas was a secret mastermind but apparently the memes are real now. it's embarrassing because you know these people just haven't watched the movies in a long time. I tried seeing episode 1 again when it was in threatres 3D and it was still a bad movie it's just bad in fact it was worse than I remembered


I think my libido is maybe a a core problem, everything and everywhere is always porn and lewdness for me. all my folders it doesn't matter if it's pictures or videos or music folders for some reason I manage to have naked anime girls everywhere like an easter egg hunt. I'm not as bad as I was before and I'm still trying to limit myself but I still like to try to find people to talk lewd with


things have been very hectic and strange

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